Feelings For Her Best Friend.

[Advent]

I have been married for 5 years and have a 8 month old baby girl. I am 36 and my better half is 30. Through out our years of dating we had lot of quarells almost on a daily basis and the sex was amazing. When ever we fight it is very ugly and heart breaking, my wife is a complex person and does everything by the book and always hitting below the belt but nothing physical during the fighrs. She is always upset about things that i do and nothing seems to please her and very insecure all the time. back in the days while were dating i have told her that 90% of my friends are women and i have also told her the amount of women that i have dated due to a break up with my ex 2 years before we met. No i am not on a rebound and she called of her wedding with her ex-fiance before she met me.

 

Before marrige.

 

One day after a fight i decided to call her best friend to learn more about my girlfriend who is now my wife, and have been doing that ever since, I always confide in A. A will always take the time to listen and give me piece of her when the need arises. She has always been there for me emotionaly and like wise. I hooked A up with my best friend and they didn't last. During that time A will always be the first on my calling list. There were times when we almost kissed but i didn't let it happen. I will call her out of the blue and chat with for hours and flirt at times. We go out on double dates almost on a regular basis. Now A is single after being dumped again by some jack *ss.

 

I am very close to A and my wife knows it. She had a dream that A and i had a affair and was extremely upset about it. The thing is A is very petit, nice and jovial, caring, sweet but not drop dead i feel a lot of comfort when i am with her and calm talking to her I don't have to worry about what I say where as when i talk to my wife it like walking on egg shells. I have alwasy known that i have feelings for A and she very lay back when she is with me. It is not a physical attraction. I care about A as she is very special to me.

 

My question is, do i tell A how i feel about her or just keep it to myself and concentrate all my energy on my little family that I have. I feel that A is more a soulmate than a friend I share thing with her that i don't with anyone else and encourage her when ever she tells me about guys that she meets cause i want her to be happy as she comes from a broken home.

 

The feelings that i have for A has been bugging me lately and A is my daughter's God Mother. Not seeing her is impossible. I need A in my life as she give me strength when to dealing with my very complex wife on extended family issues.

 

And if I tell A about my feelings, can things be the same. I do not want to say or do something that i regret my whole life and at the same time I want A to know how i feel about her and A knows that she can be totaly honest with me about everthing in her life as she has been. I love my wife as she has been my pillar and I do not doubt that she will take a bullet for me and to tell my wife about my feelings about A will cause her to tear A apart.

 

What do I do.

[MissMaris]

I think you and your wife need to attend marital counseling TOGETHER.....

 

What you are doing is having an emotional affair with A. It's unfair to your wife an detrimental to your marriage.

 

You and your wife should be trying a team approach to learn how to communicate. Talking to A about your wife is not problem solving...it's merely you venting to a sympathetic ear. I understand A has been kind and helpful with regards to your marital issues, but she is not a counselor and you are putting your marriage in severe jeopardy.

 

Should you tell A how you feel? NO

Leave it be.

 

Tell A that you plan to committ fully to fixing what's wrong in your marriage and that rather than discuss it with her you plan to discuss these problems with a trained counselor.

 

Thank her for listening for as long as she has.

But tell her you believe you are straying into dangerous territory.

[Advent]

Miss Maris thank you for your post. I will do what I have to for my sake and those that are involved and especially my little 8 months old daughter. I do not want to her to grow up in a disfunctional home and hold on to my vows towards my wife.

[michaelk]

I agree with MissMaris. You're in an emotional affair with A. It sounds as if you have a closeness with her that you've never had with your W, and if this is true it's sad. On the one hand, it's amazing to find a person you can connect with at that level. On the other hand, you have a new family and if you care for your daughter you owe it to her to make things work at home.

 

I'll also say you're in a time that most people find extremely difficult. The first year of a new child's life can be the most stressful that a marriage endures. My W and I found that our relationship was strained for at least 2 years after the birth of each of our children. However difficult your W was before, she's naturally going to be more so now. Many women turn all of their positive attention to the baby, leaving the H to deal with suddenly not having his spouse there for him. In such an emotional vacuum, it's easy to seek closeness somewhere else. If you want to stay with your family, turn your attention back to things at home and work on forming that close emotional bond with your W. Even if you never had it before, you can do it, perhaps with the help of a marriage counselor.

 

Best Wishes,

 

MK

[soakingitup]

I'm in a similar situation. My H of 12 years has a new friend / co-worker that is my perfect match in every way. H and I have been having problems that have built up over the years and have developed into a near divorce lately. However, the OM has to be kept outside of the issues at home, same with you. I can never get away from the OM, nor can you.

 

Do not, I repeat do not disclose your feelings to A. You need to do everything you can to make your marriage work. If it fails, you know you've given everything you can. At this point you are then free to express your feelings for someone else.

 

However, my issue is taking my own advice. Should I stay in my marriage and let the H make an attempt to right his wrongs. Or do I pursue a chance for happiness elsewhere.

 

Good luck.

[jmargel]

Never leave someone that you are with for someone else. It does not work in the long run. If you are going to leave your wife it's because your two are no longer compatible and the love between you two have faded. End it when you no longer want to invest anymore time or effort into it. Leave her if you want to move on without her, not with someone else.

 

It's easy to be in this type of situation because I was in it myself. First year of my marriage my wife's best-friend came to be an angel to me, since my wife was cheating on me and Heather was there everytime I called her. Nether of our motives were to get with each other but then at one point heather did tell me that her & I would be better for each other then what I am dealing with now.

 

Fast forward 3 years and she is with someone and I am still with my wife. I did tell my wife what heather said but in all honestly my wife didn't have much to say about it. She couldn't, not with the way she was treating me. Numerous occasions heather would tell my wife how lucky of a woman she was to be with me.

 

Myself I was at a breaking point in my marriage even though it was only the first year. Though I knew and told heather if I divorced that I did not want to date anyone for awhile, that I would need time.

 

When you start to have better communication with someone other than your wife it will eventually lead to what you are facing now. IMO I think what you need to do is emotionally push yourself away from this other chick and start marriage counseling with your wife. I would not bring up your attachment to this other chick to your wife right now since things are so edgy as it is. I would sit down, have a heart to heart talk with your wife and if she starts yelling or hitting below the belt just tell her that you will finish this conversation later and walk away.

 

When you wife does start talking, don't interrupt her. LISTEN. She tells you things because they are important to her. When she talks, say these words 'I understand' even if you feel like you have to correct her or debate her on why she shouldn't feel a particular way. Mention to her about the counseling.

 

Going to another chick is not the answer. It's great this other woman is there for you but you need to keep your intentions pure right now. Like I said, the last reason to end a relationship is over another person which is what you would be doing right now.

[Keola]

About your feelings for A - it sounds to me like she knows already. She knows she is special to you and most likely feels the same about you. Let that be enough, and let it go unsaid. Verbalising it will only complicate matters for all parties and will definitely change the dynamic.

[Advent]

Thank you all. I will do what i can until there i am dead sure that there is nothing else i can do anymore as of now I realise that i have chosen this path and that I have the energy to deal with this all I needed was opinions and advises from people that i don't know and experiences that others have had to open my eyes and my heart.

 

Thank you all again