No job, no car, and maybe... no home?

[moredeborah]

For the sake of making this too long, I thought to post as a list:

 

1) Me and my boyfriend (Dave) are 6 months into a 1 year lease.

2) I declared bankruptcy so it will be hard for me to find a new place.

3) Dave and I have been dating for over 2 years.

4) When I met him he had a car, a job, a cellphone and peers that respected him.

5) He has none of those right now.

6) Dave's friends lost respect for him because he became super super religious and speaks constantly about the "coming of Christ."

7) I am not religious and his born-again-Christian ways annoy the hell out of me.

8) Dave does a minimum to help me around the house, despite the fact that he does not have a job.

9) Dave will not get a job that requires a schedule because he has the hardest time being places on time. Which annoys me.

9) b) I am very successful for my age and am very very self-sufficient. I hate that he's totally the opposite.

10) I haven't gotten oral sex from in in over a month because he has a toothache but doesn't have dental insurance to take care of it.

11) Since he's been out of work, money's been tight yet he insisted all day on Saturday that we should spend $50 on puffing the magic dragon, not getting myself some clothes for a new job.

12) He's actually very sweet and WORSHIPS me. I would be crazy to doubt that he loves me.

13) I don't want to break up with him, I am at a time in my life where I have to learn some things instead of running away.

14) Besides, I love him so much and despite his flaws, I want this to work.

15) But I can't deny the fact that I want him to move out sometimes.

16) I've brought up that I think he should move out and he always talks me out of it.

17) I worry sometimes though, if I do stay with him that I will always be the one that works and it will never be my time to relax because of his ways.

 

What should I do? Please respond with REAL answers. "Just break up with him" and "He's a loser you can do better" will not help. I try to respond to problems with helpful insight and I hope to get the same. Thanks so much guys.

[MissMaris]

I can't think of a more difficult situation.....where you truly truly love someone, yet dislike many of their basic traits and habits, to the point that you question being together.

 

There is no easy answer. Your BF obviously has some major problems. NOT being able to hold a job that requires punctuality is HUGE....because most employers demand that.

 

The fact that none of his friends respect him right now is very disturbing. Religion shouldn't alienate people....why is your BF pushing people away via his so-called 'spirituality'? It may be a sign of severe depression.

 

Using limited funds for drug use as opposed to practical things, like clothes, indicates a lack of maturity, responsibility and respect. Again, he may be very depressed. Has he ever had problems with depression before?

 

He may love you, but a relationship is a two-way street. You can't pick up all the pieces for him, he needs to pull his weight. Otherwise you do not have a partnership...you have a situation where you are the caretaker and he is the patient. Don't fall into that.

 

Try writing a letter to him, so that you can get your thoughts organized. A lot of times when you try to speak to a loved one about disturbing feelings, it's hard to maintain clarity. So try the letter approach and then ask him to sit and listen to you while you read it to him.

 

The letter should include (at the ending) specific actions that you'd like to see....such as keeping a job, reaching out to friends again and taking care of his health issues.

 

You may need a temporary seperation to clearly assess whether having this man in your life is the right thing or not.

[Enema]

2) I declared bankruptcy so it will be hard for me to find a new place.

9) b) I am very successful for my age and am very very self-sufficient.

 

Something doesn't add up.

 

13) I don't want to break up with him, I am at a time in my life where I have to learn some things instead of running away.

 

I don't know what you think you're going to learn from this relationship that's worth sticking around for.

 

One of the biggest life lessons is learning when to cut and run from a dead end. This relationship is clearly one of them and as much as you don't want to hear it... break up with him.

 

From your description he doesn't appear to be bringing anything of value to the relationship and his new religious zealot / laze-a-bout personality doesn't match yours. This has disaster written all over it, save yourself!

[tinktronik]

Something doesn't add up.

 

 

 

I don't know what you think you're going to learn from this relationship that's worth sticking around for.

 

One of the biggest life lessons is learning when to cut and run from a dead end. This relationship is clearly one of them and as much as you don't want to hear it... break up with him.

 

From your description he doesn't appear to be bringing anything of value to the relationship and his new religious zealot / laze-a-bout personality doesn't match yours. This has disaster written all over it, save yourself!

You have posted my exact thoughts. The hardest lesson is when to cut and run.

On a side note what qualities does this Relationship as a seperate entity have that are redeeming?