lillylove Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Hello- This is my first time here so here goes..... My husband of 4 years told me that he wanted to leave me. Reasons why? He felt lonley Felt I didn't love him Didn't feel welcome in his own home I admit that yes, I have a big fear of being close (fear of intimacy) and although I do love him, I didn't show it too often. He suffers from depression and has a very low sex drive...we hadn't had sex in 6 months We have been to a therapist, and we have talked about the above issues, but nothing ever was resolved When he told me he wanted to leave and the reasons why, I felt horrible, told him I do love him and cried. After all that we talked, creid together and have had great sex since that time....it has been 5 days of happiness. Why can't I get over the fact that he was going to leave? The thought of opening up to him and letting him see my feelings is so very scary.....I know I must sound like a horrid person, but really, I am a nice girl... Has anyone out there been in my situation? Thanks for reading my post......Peace Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 I have a few, thoughts that is. First of all, welcome aboard! It sounds to me as if he may have just been having a really bad day and it got out of hand. It's also sounds as if his depression is text book -- low self-esteem, negative thoughts, decreased libido. Since things have markedly improved over the past several days then you should do what you can to continue to momentum. Make the effort to verbally express your love and devotion. Show him how much you care in little ways. They can mean a lot and will make him feel better about hiself and about you. I would also consider trying counseling again but with a different therapist. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylove Posted November 14, 2007 Author Share Posted November 14, 2007 Thanks so much for the response and the welcome!!! I do agree with you that I shoudl continue to show him that I care, but I guess I am afraid that it won't be enough....I am afraid that he will still want to leave me, which I know I have no control over. This is all so scary for me, opening up to him and feeling so very exposed...... Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Him saying he wanted to leave sounds like a cry for help to me. And it sounds like it worked. For the moment anyway. Why are you afraid to show him you care? People that profess to love each other should show it, daily. Don't be scared. Be happy. As Gunny often says, get busy living, or get busy dying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylove Posted November 14, 2007 Author Share Posted November 14, 2007 I have always been afraid of showing any sort of feelimgs relating to "love" I can show anger no problem, but actually telling someone that I love them and letting them know that I need them, is just very hard for me. I have issues from my past that most likely contribute to this, I have been in therapy before, but it seems when the the Therapist is close to getting inside my head, I back off and stop therapy....Yes, I know this isn't healthy, and I truly would like to open up to those that I love (please note that I can show love to my animals and children!) I need to really stick with the therapy and stop be so damn afraid....... Link to post Share on other sites
Missy27 Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 From what you've posted LL ~ I've got to say that the issue here doesn't seem to be primarily about your H ~ It seems to be about YOU Your H has a history of depression and partnered with being in a marriage with minimal affection ~ its not difficult to see why he may be feeling a little neglected ~ Same goes with his sex drive ~ how often would YOU want to get intimate with someone who's emotionally void from the marriage ~ it doesn't make for good romance does it ~ ? ~ ~ To quote you ~ your H has actually come right out and said that he feels lonely and unloved within the marriage and although it's not your individual responsibility to repair the marriage single handedly ~ it IS on you to respect that your H feels this way and search out a way to try and improve YOURSELF in the respect of working on your intimacy issues and giving your H the love and appreciation that he needs ~ I think his statement about leaving you had an underlying suggestion that he wanted to know if you actually cared about him enough to be bothered by the fact that he was emotionally drained from you Individual and marriage counselling might be beneficial to you both ~ you need to work out your intimacy issues ~ you REALLY dont want to carry them around with you for the rest of your life ~ you'll miss out on SO much if you do Jeez LL ~ What happened to a bottle of wine and a pizza in front of the fire ~ we're never too old for that ~ Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylove Posted November 19, 2007 Author Share Posted November 19, 2007 I understand what you are saying and yes, I know I wasn't helping his emotional state of mind. I have never dealt with someone who suffers from depression so although he expressed to me that he was sad, had no sex drive and basically just hated life, I wasn't sure how to help him. I didn't think that if i hugged him it would help him. The past week or so has been really good, lots of crying (on my part) and lots of time just spent talking to each other. He says he loves me, but since he had already convinced himself that he was leaving, he has lost some of the good feelings for me? when he came home to tell me that he was leaving, he thought I would be my usual self, not show any feelings and tell him to go ahead and go. well, i surprised the hell out of him when I did show my true feelings! that gave him hope to stay. I just wonder if we are going to make it or not or if too much damage has been done....... Link to post Share on other sites
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