Engaged, he cheated

[3rdI]

Read many of the other posts about cheating and marriage. The knee jerk reaction is to dump the person. I did not do that when I found out that he was cheating over three weeks ago. I do not trust him and I dont feel much towards him right now except for occassional anger.

 

I am not sure if I was actually the otherwoman. Met him at work and he claimed that he broke up with live-in over 18 months ago. What he neglected to say was that they were sharing a place until 6 months ago and were still talking (and/or meeting, who knows) until 1 month ago.

 

I did not discover it. He confessed. We have been dating for a year and engaged since 2 months ago, living in my place for 5 months. He was, of course, totally remorseful and self-loathing. He said that there is no excuse for what he did...the numeruos lies on so many levels.

 

We have not entered counseling and I have told him that I probably will NOT marry him. I am going to enter individual therapy....without even thinking about couples therapy because I want to sort out my wants and needs.

 

I really believe that the problem stems in part from this. I make 30% more than what he does and have all the resouces and power in the relationship...but I do not flaunt this for the most part. This is only going to increase when I make my next job move. I am confident and I do not watch or chase men. I refuse to check up on him or be insecure. But I do not think that I can trust him because he always feels inadequate next to me.

 

The lies and intricate web that he weaved was not laudable, I sensed it but was too busy to confront him. I feel like he is riding my coattails and I do not forsee how he will handle himself any differently in the future....he doesn't feel good about himself, put on a front to hide it and no feels much worse now that I know about the other dirty deeds.

 

How do I navigate this mess?

[spooty]

if he found you as the other woman, then that's a good idea of how he moves into all new relationships. do you know of any times when he was single for a long period of time? some people will date a person but then line up the next person and start dating them before breaking up with the previous, so everyone at different points is both the girlfriend and the other woman. kinda disrespectful to everyone isn't it?

people like that don't change, they need the security and excitement of that kind of new relationship. and the other woman probably made him feel superior, which is honey to an insecure person like him. if his every relationship has begun with him cheating on the last... well you know what they say, once a cheater always a cheater. he was taking advantage of your security (not checking up) and your busy schedule.

 

i can't tell you to dump him or to marry him, you both need to go through a whole lot of soul searching before you could consider marrying him. if you decide to marry him make sure you write up a prenup to protect yourself since you're more successful than him. but you could do much better than him, alone or with someone else.

[3rdI]

She did and probably does make him feel secure. He claims that she knew about me and did not care. She has tried to meet with him since we have been living together and engaged. I have tried not to focus on her because all the Bull should have stopped with him.

 

People who lack self-esteem are extremely toxic and he claims that that was her problem and I feel like they were then a perfect match...two peas in a pod.

 

My issue is that I am super intuitive and I ignored the big sign of his "bravado" which was masking a Napoleon syndrome from a career and financial standpoint. I rue the day I was fooled by someone tripping overthemselves to please me while living a double-life right under my nose.

 

He is a stranger to me and I find it replusive. I just do not want to be undignified in extricating myself from this sham.

 

You provided great insight when you stated that he has probably done this before. I asked him if his lack of tranparency had been a problem with me because he felt pressure to live up to my lifestyle and standards...he said it was a consistent problem in all previous relationships but NO ONE had ever challenged him on this before.

[whichwayisup]

I think you have your answer - As disappointed, hurt and betrayed you feel now, imagine if you had found this out in 10 years with afew children in the mix. This man is weak and yah, great that he confessed to you, came clean so in that respect he woke up, but it may now be too late. He has issues and the way he handles relationships is not honest and pure, so don't waste your time on him right now. IF in the future he can prove to you that he is worthy of another chance, and you want to give him that chance, then go for it - But right now, look out for yourself.

[3rdI]

I still need to figure out how to get out of it. Right now, he is under the impression that we are going to stay together and work on the relationship. I do not want to live with him right now and I have expressed that I can't live like this, but did not ask him to move out.

 

He saw where it was going and broke down and said that he felt like killing himself but concluded that it would be the ultimate selfish act even more selfish than lying to and cheating on me(her).

 

The answer that I am looking for it how do I ask him to break and move apart for some time when it went so badly before. He has nothing...I even asked him if he could live with the x and he said he did not want to although he knew that he could.

 

I am in my forties with a grandchild and he does not have children. We were going to try for a child for him, but at this late stage with this set back it is unlikely although I am still very fertile.

 

I want him to be free, to be happy, but it seems like he wants to make things right and this sista is not feelin' it. Help me get out of this and preserve his dignity at the same time.

[bish]

Read many of the other posts about cheating and marriage. The knee jerk reaction is to dump the person.

 

Its not a knee jerk reaction...it is good advice. Trust me...I didn't find out my stbXW cheated while we were engaged until AFTER we were married a good number of years.

 

And after I found this out I also found out that she cheated during marriage. She got away with it and kept on doing it apparantly.

 

So no knee jerks here....DUMP THE D!CK!! Or you WILL regret it...I promise you.

[allina]

He has a history of being a liar and cheater, then he gives you excuses

 

You only have a year invested in this relationship, RUN! Run as fast as you can. He will only further complicate and ruin your life.

 

This isn't a knee jerk reaction it's common sense.

 

Good luck.

[3rdI]

I am 90% sure that I will terminate the relationship soon. However, this strong emotional reaction to me stating that I did not think that I could continue with the relationship scared me....he wanted to kill himself and he admits that it is still painful and some of those feelings are still there.

 

He is in my house with my children and he is not ready to go because he wants to work on the relationship.

 

Once again, how do I navigate this mess? Can anyone focus on this issue because it really has me concerned for my safety....that's why I ask how can I preserve his dignity and yet let him go.

[allina]

I am 90% sure that I will terminate the relationship soon. However, this strong emotional reaction to me stating that I did not think that I could continue with the relationship scared me....he wanted to kill himself and he admits that it is still painful and some of those feelings are still there.

 

He is in my house with my children and he is not ready to go because he wants to work on the relationship.

 

Once again, how do I navigate this mess? Can anyone focus on this issue because it really has me concerned for my safety....that's why I ask how can I preserve his dignity and yet let him go.

 

He's only further manipulating you by making you worry and pity him. Make him leave, who cares if "he's not ready to go" you're ready to have him out. Tell him calmly that right now he needs to leave and that you will contact him if you decide to. If he won;t leave have the police escort him out. You having children is another reason why you need to leave this unhealthy relationship.

[abeliever]

I rue the day I was fooled by someone tripping overthemselves to please me while living a double-life right under my nose.

 

Great Quote: May I use this quote for future use?!!!

 

You said it all. They are right, you could be in my shoes in 10 years from now. Go and read threads from the other groups. You are smart to figure this out now, but why you can get out now. So run and run fast!!! Go find someone who is not put off by your intellect and your personality. You deserve to be challenged in all areas of relationships. Don't you want to be challenged instead of always being the one to go to?

 

They said it all. It will be tough, but in the long run you will be grateful for not having to go thru this with children in tow and older.

 

Good luck!

abeliever

[whichwayisup]

Be honest and tell him he's killed off the desire in you to be in the relationship and that he can stay until he finds a better place to live and not to count on you for anything more than that. Be courteous, but distant and do not engage in 'personal' conversations with him in the sense of him trying to win you back.

 

Does he not have family, a brother, a cousin, a bestfriend or a male buddy he can move in with during this time? I find it hard to believe that you and this ex are his 'only' resource when it comes to staying with someone.

[american-woman]

Sorry to hear of your situation. Think of where you would be in 10 years if he stayed.

Just tell him things are not working right and you think its best for him to go

[3rdI]

No. He moved here for a job and there is no one but his ex. My former self would have called her up and told her to pick his A** up.

 

I do miss the intellectual stimulation of a man that is on my level both financially, spiritually, and emotionally. I do miss a "man's man"...someone that can meet me intellectually...someone that doesn't move his lips when he reads (found that out after he moved in as well....WTF!)

 

I will have that gentle talk with him and try to "help" him move.

[Trialbyfire]

Here's the practical side of it. The longer he stays, the closer he gets to being considered your common-law husband. Get him out...NOW...if not for yourself, for your children.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Maybe I missed something, but how is it possible that your boyfriend was living with another woman for half the duration of your entire relationship and you didn't have any idea?

 

Here is yet another case of why people should not get engaged after so short a time. Ten months is nothing.

[3rdI]

There is no common law where we live and I would need to serve him with a 30 day notice if he refuses to leave voluntarily. No problem as I am a lawyer but this is not the length of time I want to wait. I want him to see the wisdom of splitting up and leaving expediently so that he can be himself and not feel the pressure of living under my shadow.

 

I even thought about leaving but it is all mine and I cannot uproot the children. His credit is so bad he probably cannot get an apartment in his name.

[3rdI]

I travel a lot for work and because of their arrangment....she spent part ofthe time at the aprtment and then stayed with friends and he spent part of the time and stayed with....well I guess I was the pick.

 

I have a huge place with a family atmoshpere and he had a small apartment...we didnt spend time there.

 

It was a short time, I agree. And now I know what the rush was....voice of a mealticket.

[XDOR]

I wouldn't dump him right away.

 

Yes, probably you started as the other woman. That's bad.

 

But he chose you. Then he had the guts to tell you, that for some time he was still living with her.

 

His relation with the previous woman is finished and he hasn't continued on it. So _maybe_ he really loves you.

 

I would suggest: TALK. Don't marry now either, but communicate, and then decide.

[InLimbo2]

ok - I had a friend in a sorta similar situation years ago - he wanted to leave the relationship, she was the financially dependent partner. He set her up in an apt - paid her security deposit - 2 months rent - 2 months of the utilities - furnished it for her - and stocked it with food. Yes, it cost him some money that he didn't really NEED to do, he didn't owe her anything - but it allowed him to walk from a relationship that wasn't going to survive and feel ok with himself that he didn't kick her out on the street homeless and starving. All his friends told him he was crazy for doing all that for her - but in the long run - very small price to pay to be able to look himself in the mirror every day.

 

 

There is no common law where we live and I would need to serve him with a 30 day notice if he refuses to leave voluntarily. No problem as I am a lawyer but this is not the length of time I want to wait. I want him to see the wisdom of splitting up and leaving expediently so that he can be himself and not feel the pressure of living under my shadow.

 

I even thought about leaving but it is all mine and I cannot uproot the children. His credit is so bad he probably cannot get an apartment in his name.

[3rdI]

I wouldn't dump him right away.

 

Yes, probably you started as the other woman. That's bad.

 

But he chose you. Then he had the guts to tell you, that for some time he was still living with her.

 

His relation with the previous woman is finished and he hasn't continued on it. So _maybe_ he really loves you.

 

I would suggest: TALK. Don't marry now either, but communicate, and then decide.

 

 

I talked to him and this was good advice. I do not know what I am going to do, but I do realize that I was going through the anger phase of grief then. It is up and down everyday. I do not know what will ultimately happen but thanks for the great advice.

[wizer]

You have two things going for you that most women don't.

 

1) Your post is titled "Engaged, he cheated" instead of "Married, he cheated"

2) He confessed, you didn't suspect him and then catch him. That makes a big difference.

 

I still think marrying this guy is a mistake, but at least you put everything on hold and you are considering your options. Only time will tell, if anything will.

 

The one thing working against you is that usually the excitement, the spark, the attraction, is greatest in the beginning. Most cheating happens much later on in the relationship. So how will you ever be sure that he isn't going to be tempted again, especially when that initial "high" wears off?

[3rdI]

Well there was a trigger that I did not discuss. But I made a big decision without consulting him and it spelled taps for the relationship b/c he felt that I did not think that he was good enough. He slept with her multiple times over the 4 month period that we were toughing it out b/c he thought that we were not going to make it.

 

So my concern is more of "when the going gets tough and he feels insecure" I get cheated on. And I can't fix his insecurity....this is a big problem for me.

[wizer]

Well there was a trigger that I did not discuss. But I made a big decision without consulting him and it spelled taps for the relationship b/c he felt that I did not think that he was good enough.

 

You made a big decision so he cheated on you. It seems that he may be justifying his actions and trying to put the blame on you. And then he throws in the part about "well, we probably weren't going to make it anyway".

 

That's not remorsefulness. That's rationalization and false justification. Don't let him do that. Please.

[3rdI]

Knowing the complexities of what I did and what happened, I can understand why he felt that we would not last at that time. So I am undecided on the point as the whether he used it as a justification.

 

He said there was no excuse for what he did. However, we did talk about the unresolved conflict and his feelings about my decision that almost led to our permanent break up.

 

What I did was much worse than him cheating. What I did was much worse than him lying and he extended grace....

 

I can understand his feelings that he had at the time.