How can I learn to trust fully again?

[OD3]

About a year ago my ex ripped my heart out in the most horrible and prolonged way. (Cheated on me behind my back, said that she needed time but was going to take me back, carried on cheating etc) Resulted in me moving out, having nothing and pretty much having to start over again.

 

It totally messed up my trust in any woman, because I loved her dearly and I thought that she loved me until I found out she was cheating.

 

Now, I am going out with the most wonderful girl ive ever met. Marriage material. She is overseas atm, and I am going to see her in 29 days.

 

Constantly I have horrible daydreams about her phoning me between now and then, telling me shes got back together with an ex-bf, or she has cheated or has somehow lost interest.

 

We have only been apart for a week and I feel this way. I love this girl with all my heart and it terrifies me the thought of losing her. I have quit everything here to go and live with her overseas in less than a month.

 

She loves me and tells me everyday. Her dad cheated on her mom, so I know she would never do that to me. But Why do I still feel so untrusting?

 

Its horrible because when she calls, I am so sad and I have to pretend like im 100% fine and happy (I dont want her to know about my paranoia, because its messed up).

 

Its ironic that when you finall find real love, you spend most of your time stressing that you are going to lose it.

[spooty]

you don't learn to trust. people have to earn it, and the only way to do that is though consistent actions and time. you just have to build the relationship with her to the point that you don't worry. until trust is effortless, try imagining more positive possibilities.

i've started doing this, and you know what, it feels really good when you're right! like my bf had to tell my roommate something but said "no, you can't listen" but instead of thinking he was cheating or planning something dubious, i thought, "well maybe he's planning something nice for me?" and he was!! he got me a new wii because my old was was stolen! he had asked my roommate to set it up so that i'd see it when we got back.

 

if she's marriage material then i'm sure she does great things for you all the time, so just try to think positive, a few times of being right and you'll start feeling a lot more secure.

[spike7165]

Hi

I am currently going through what you endured before, cheating, lies, break ups with someone I was very much in love with. I can't imagine finding anyone else ever again so I am happy you can show it is possible.

WHat I would say though is that I changed my life for this woman and moved across the world to her, from a career and money point of view it didnt work and caused strain on the relationship. I wish now I had waited and she had come to me, but I was desperate to be with her like you are now.

I know how you feel, how I felt everynight worrying about what she was doing so far away, but please listen and make sure you have sound foundations to go to when you go overseas.

I dont know if you lived together before, but one piece of excellent advice i heard was to go overseas but to live apart for a month or two so you get settled in a job and you build up some friends and date her. Otherwise you will do what I did and she becomes your focus for everything and to her it becomes overwhelming.

Please try and tailor this to your situation but I know you sound like me and if you put your whole being into this woman it will only fail. Make sure your career and personal foundations will be solid at home and abroad.

Good luck and you give me hope.

[OD3]

Thanks spike.

 

Well, i know how you feel. When my ex left me I couldnt imagine loving someone else again. I just wanted to die and I felt so rejected it was horrible. Worst time of my life for sure.

 

But. I think you will notice it is possible to love again. Its not the same as the previous time, but its different. But thats not a bad thing. i love this girl even more than I did my previous gf. When you fall in love most of the negativity from the previous relationship just evaporates.

 

You still carrry around the scars though. And this girl and I practically did live together and it was her who first:

 

1) Told me she loved me.

2) Suggested she wanted me to come to her in Oz

3) Suggested we live together.

 

So I know her heart is in it. But I will take your words on board and establish friends, a proper career etc. I dont want to make her feel "obligated" to be with me just because I came over for her. I want her to feel, techincally, if she left me there would be no guilt on her part.

 

But dont worry mate. It tears you up when someone cheats on you, but eventually when someone else loves you, you begin to think, hey, maybe im not that bad after all....

[spike7165]

Thanks for your words for me, I know it will get better but right now its horrible.

You sound like you have a great girl and future, just be careful. I would never have dreamed that all the nice words I heard back then would turn so horrible now.

My one is a seriously crazy messed up bitch, but back then I thought she was wonderful, so I was ready to rush off to her. Although she is crazy I know that part of it was my fault because I was too dependent on her for my social life, and general support in a foreign country. It will be easier for you because I had a language barrier, but just build your foundations quickly and don't make the same mistake I made. Good luck!