Does this forum legitimize cheating?

[EmeraldI's]

What you'll get is someone who wants to stay with a married man...won't come right out and say, "help me sustain this affair"..it will be more like. "how should I handle the situation" with regards to dealing with a MM...for example...one OW was pissed off that she wasn't getting enough time with her MM and wanted to know how to get more out of him...can't remember who said it, but it was a long time ago.

 

I am wondering, why would that be such a crazy question to be found in the OW/OM forum? Isn't that what this place is for? For OP's to be able to seek the support that they need and be with others in the same predicament? Isn't that what SI is for betrayed spouses? If was posted in another forum, I could see the reason for raised eyebrows but here? I should think not...

 

Besides from what I can see, there weren't very many OW posting on this thread anyways...

[Curmudgeon]

As much as I'm against EMRs, I have to disagree. they happen -- always have -- always will. That's an unfortunate fact of life.

 

Just as addicts need support, so, too, do those embroiled in affairs.

 

One size doesn't fit all!

 

For the record, I'm a former betrayed spouse so don't think I condone such activities.

[Tony]

I mentioned to one of my friends that there exists an Other Man/Other Woman Forum, and he pointed out that it kind of legitimizes it. Thoughts? I kind of agree with him, to be honest. It's one thing if it's an open relationship, but shouldn't that be it's own forum, since cheating involves deception?

 

Just some thoughts. What do you guys think?

 

This category doesn't legitimize anything. Rather, it provides a place for those involved in these types of relationships to come to vent and to receive advice. Unfortunately, there is a LOT of judgment made here. People seldom go anywhere for that but most understand those are only a reflection of the mentality of the person(s) making the judgment. It's truly sad that even though we've made a place for people to come and talk about their situations, there are many just waiting to pounce upon them.

 

We are here to provide a place for people to come and anonymously talk about their situations, no matter what they are. We no more legitimize infidelity than Weight Watchers legitimizes obesity.

[OpenBook]

This category doesn't legitimize anything. Rather, it provides a place for those involved in these types of relationships to come to vent and to receive advice. Unfortunately, there is a LOT of judgment made here. People seldom go anywhere for that but most understand those are only a reflection of the mentality of the person(s) making the judgment. It's truly sad that even though we've made a place for people to come and talk about their situations, there are many just waiting to pounce upon them.

 

We are here to provide a place for people to come and anonymously talk about their situations, no matter what they are. We no more legitimize infidelity than Weight Watchers legitimizes obesity.

 

Tony I'm so madly in love with you I can't stand it. :love: Ok, back on topic... I thought this was a particularly odd question for a thread. Especially when you consider that 60% of MM cheat on their W's. That is a clear majority of all MM. If "most of society" still looks down their noses at infidelity, then why is it so prevalent?? And I hear it's viewed differently from country to country. Meaning, it's more "legitimate" depending on where you live. Either way, it's been around for as long as marriage has been. So whether cheating is legitimate or illegitimate is rather irrelevant, in my book. It happens frequently, regardless of how society views it.

[White Flower]

Thanks, Tony, for clarifying the subject. I heard a great song from the 50s this evening and it and the sassy lady singer sang something like this, "Tony spelled backwards says, Y-Not?!" It was cute.

 

And when I said, "Some of us do not see ourselves as cheaters because how can we be cheating when all we are doing is getting something from someone new when our spouses have cheated us out of (fill in the blank.)", I was merely demonstrating to the OP that some people involved in As do not consider themselves "cheaters." That would again be lumping everyone into one category.

 

And Tony is right, there are those who are so ready to pounce in this forum; they make sure that the A is not condoned.

[Phateless]

This category doesn't legitimize anything. Rather, it provides a place for those involved in these types of relationships to come to vent and to receive advice. Unfortunately, there is a LOT of judgment made here. People seldom go anywhere for that but most understand those are only a reflection of the mentality of the person(s) making the judgment. It's truly sad that even though we've made a place for people to come and talk about their situations, there are many just waiting to pounce upon them.

 

We are here to provide a place for people to come and anonymously talk about their situations, no matter what they are. We no more legitimize infidelity than Weight Watchers legitimizes obesity.

 

You're operating under the assumption that all posters in this category are asking for us to help them OUT of their situation, which is the not always the case. So again, the comparison doesn't quite work. Weight Watchers doesn't give people advice on how they can continue to eat garbage food and get away with it. Plenty of people in this category are asking for help with the relationship itself, not help to extricate themselves from it.

 

I DO understand what you mean though. The INTENT of the forum is to help people get past their affairs. I understand that, don't worry.

 

As for pouncing, that's precisely the reason I usually stay out of this category. I just can't bring myself to offer anything constructive and kind to say to someone who wants to stay in an affair. As for people asking for help out... I know I would have a hard time restraining myself from being harsh, so I just keep my mouth shut.

 

To the person who said something about how America disapproves of affairs yet overwhelmingly participates in them - lol I completely agree, America is full of hypocrites.

 

 

Again, this thread is just for discussing an interesting idea my friend brought up. Just wanted to hear what people have to say.

[Nixson]

I don't think this forum legitimizes any As. It is just a place for people to vent and share their experiences. I don't think any OW encourage OW to stay in an A, they just give their opinions on how to deal with the A. Anyone can read it any other way. It may come out as encouragement for some and just the opposite for some.

 

I know my xOW was not encouraged but she did get the support she needed from a few OW. The support she needed was just to vent her frustrations and to hear OWs experiences and how they dealt with it. Not to ask HOW to stay in an A. It is those involved in an A to make their own decision whether to stay or get out of it.

[Impudent Oyster]

This category doesn't legitimize anything. Rather, it provides a place for those involved in these types of relationships to come to vent and to receive advice. Unfortunately, there is a LOT of judgment made here.

We are here to provide a place for people to come and anonymously talk about their situations, no matter what they are. We no more legitimize infidelity than Weight Watchers legitimizes obesity.

 

That's a noble sentiment, however, the fact is, what kind of advice are people seeking? If an OP wants advice on how to best get the MP out of their marriage, should they receive it? If the OP wants advice on how to keep the MP from reconciling should they receive it? What about if the OP just wants to say that they don't care who gets hurt so long as they're happy?

 

I DON'T THINK SO.

 

Support for destructive behavior (breaking up marriages) is not something that should exist, IMO.

 

So if someone wants to vent because they only get a half hour a week with their soulmeat that's OK? Go ahead, vent, but my advice would be for that person to stop sleeping with MP and find a single person then the problem would disappear.

 

The only support OP deserve is support to end their destructive and deceitful relationships.

 

You can slap all the pretty labels you want on it, but supporting people who are intentionally deceiving, harming and destroying families is WRONG and should not be legitimzed by a website that bills itself as a "Loveshack" while promoting hate. If you don't think that infidelity is hateful, then you've never been on the receiving end of that kind of pain.

[Impudent Oyster]

I don't think this forum legitimizes any As. It is just a place for people to vent and share their experiences. I don't think any OW encourage OW to stay in an A, they just give their opinions on how to deal with the A. Anyone can read it any other way. It may come out as encouragement for some and just the opposite for some.

 

.

 

Oh really? I guess you haven't seen the cheers and high fives for when the MP's marriage is really falling apart...

[Impudent Oyster]

 

I LOVE this analogy. It's dead on.

[jj2007]

That's a noble sentiment, however, the fact is, what kind of advice are people seeking? If an OP wants advice on how to best get the MP out of their marriage, should they receive it? If the OP wants advice on how to keep the MP from reconciling should they receive it? What about if the OP just wants to say that they don't care who gets hurt so long as they're happy?

 

I DON'T THINK SO.

 

Support for destructive behavior (breaking up marriages) is not something that should exist, IMO.

 

So if someone wants to vent because they only get a half hour a week with their soulmeat that's OK? Go ahead, vent, but my advice would be for that person to stop sleeping with MP and find a single person then the problem would disappear.

 

The only support OP deserve is support to end their destructive and deceitful relationships.

 

You can slap all the pretty labels you want on it, but supporting people who are intentionally deceiving, harming and destroying families is WRONG and should not be legitimzed by a website that bills itself as a "Loveshack" while promoting hate. If you don't think that infidelity is hateful, then you've never been on the receiving end of that kind of pain.

 

 

I couldn't agree more!

[OWoman]

I didn't come here for "legitimation", I came to ask advice on a particular situation from others who could relate.

 

I don't need legitimation. I do not feel any shame or self-loathing about being an OW, and my MM and I are very open about our R and very proud of it.

[OpenBook]

That's a noble sentiment, however, the fact is, what kind of advice are people seeking? If an OP wants advice on how to best get the MP out of their marriage, should they receive it? If the OP wants advice on how to keep the MP from reconciling should they receive it? What about if the OP just wants to say that they don't care who gets hurt so long as they're happy?

 

I DON'T THINK SO.

 

Support for destructive behavior (breaking up marriages) is not something that should exist, IMO.

 

So if someone wants to vent because they only get a half hour a week with their soulmeat that's OK? Go ahead, vent, but my advice would be for that person to stop sleeping with MP and find a single person then the problem would disappear.

 

The only support OP deserve is support to end their destructive and deceitful relationships.

 

You can slap all the pretty labels you want on it, but supporting people who are intentionally deceiving, harming and destroying families is WRONG and should not be legitimzed by a website that bills itself as a "Loveshack" while promoting hate. If you don't think that infidelity is hateful, then you've never been on the receiving end of that kind of pain.

 

So if the OP's attitude doesn't meet your approval, s/he doesn't deserve to have a forum dedicated to their situation?? "The World According To Impudent Oyster"?? If you had it all your way, everything would be hunky-dory and nobody would have any problems that aren't sanctioned as "legitimate" by you?? Boy am I glad YOU'RE not in charge.

[luvmy2ns]

And, BTW, I noticed nobody had an answer for my post, which isn't really a surprise.

[Tony]

And, BTW, I noticed nobody had an answer for my post, which isn't really a surprise.

 

Most likely, it was because most were not willing to go off topic in this thread, which is: "Does this forum legitimize cheating?"

[Tony]

I think it attempts to legitimize it.

 

Any forum that offers support for affairs is a forum that shouldn't exist, IMO. The only support affair partners need is help to get out of these trainwreck relationships and get some self-respect.

 

Does a doctor who treats AIDS legitimize homosexuality and the use of nasty syringe needles? Does a doctor who treats heart disease legitimize high cholesterol diets and lack of exercise.

 

Not every human's behavior will synchronize with our own. We can't shut out people on this forum because their morals are inconsistent with our own. I think it's really hypocritical for people who don't who say they don't condone infidelity to come into a category on that topic and give major lectures. It's like evangelists Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart and others who told their congregation week after week about the evils of adultery and then did the very thing before a national audience (Swaggart with a paid prostitute).

 

If you don't like the behavior of a person coming to rant, to get it off their chest or to get advice just stay away...it's as simple as that. Lectures only strengthen their resolve and are not effective at all.

 

The support people need who are in affairs is to get them through the ordeal because in most cases there is hell to pay but these are lessons they must learn on their own and nobody else can teach them except experience. They may need understanding and care more than others who come here.

[Ladyjane14]

I mentioned to one of my friends that there exists an Other Man/Other Woman Forum, and he pointed out that it kind of legitimizes it. Thoughts? I kind of agree with him, to be honest. It's one thing if it's an open relationship, but shouldn't that be it's own forum, since cheating involves deception?

 

Just some thoughts. What do you guys think?

 

I don't think the existence of an OM/OW forum here at LS is indicative of either approval or disapproval on the part of the site.

 

I've always interpretted the overall intent of the site to be about the discussion of human relationships. There's a place here to talk about your issues with your spouse, your boss, your mother-in-law... just about anybody you'd come into contact with. And like it or lump it, the extra-marital relationship fits the rather broad criteria of being a "human relationship".

 

I don't have to agree with Infidelity, and I'm not required to. By the same token, those who do agree with it are not required to agree with my POV.

 

Personally, I really like that about LS.

There are other formats where only ONE view is tolerated, where these 'group-think' mentalities are espoused and where those who disagree are practically burned at the stake as heretics, at least in cyber terms.

But all anybody learns from that is how to conform to the group dynamic. Even with the squabbling, I find a free format to be more enlightening.

[Tony]

Well said, Ladyjane14!

[NoIDidn't]

Does a doctor who treats AIDS legitimize homosexuality and the use of nasty syringe needles? Does a doctor who treats heart disease legitimize high cholesterol diets and lack of exercise.

 

Not every human's behavior will synchronize with our own. We can't shut out people on this forum because their morals are inconsistent with our own. I think it's really hypocritical for people who don't who say they don't condone infidelity to come into a category on that topic and give major lectures. It's like evangelists Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart and others who told their congregation week after week about the evils of adultery and then did the very thing before a national audience (Swaggart with a paid prostitute).

 

If you don't like the behavior of a person coming to rant, to get it off their chest or to get advice just stay away...it's as simple as that. Lectures only strengthen their resolve and are not effective at all.

 

The support people need who are in affairs is to get them through the ordeal because in most cases there is hell to pay but these are lessons they must learn on their own and nobody else can teach them except experience. They may need understanding and care more than others who come here.

 

While I agree with most of what is being said (the needing more care and support than others part), I have to add this. I do not think that this forum legitimizes cheating in any way. But, oftentimes the very existence of this forum by name causes a lot of the posters that come here for *support* to respond as if it does. The constant "this is our forum" refrain whenever a post is made that they disagree with what is said.

 

So, I don't think that this forum legitimizes cheating, but it does in the eyes of those who feel it was created only for them. And people not on any side of the triangle respond strongly (judgmentally) to the same judgmental attitude displayed by many of the OP posters.

[bish]

I am wondering, why would that be such a crazy question to be found in the OW/OM forum? Isn't that what this place is for? For OP's to be able to seek the support that they need and be with others in the same predicament? Isn't that what SI is for betrayed spouses? If was posted in another forum, I could see the reason for raised eyebrows but here? I should think not...

 

Besides from what I can see, there weren't very many OW posting on this thread anyways...

 

That was the whole point of the original posters questions...does this forum try to legitimize cheating, affairs...whatever...and with alot of posters the answer is ...yes.

[PandorasBox]

IMO, I don't think it "legitmizes" it. It has been happening since the beginning of time, its nothing new, and I'm a BS too! Its not a justifcation for me to say it has been happening since the beginning of time and I don't condone it, its just a reality.

 

I think that if people are going to cheat, and become OM/OW they will, forum or no forum. I guess this forum is just like any other on here, its for advice, a place to learn about "WHY" other might do or say what they do and say. And there can be a million different reasons WHY, doesn't mean its are right or wrong I guess. It can be a place to vent as well.

 

I post here at times because I"m a BS and I just like to try to understand WHY someone would get in the situation they are in with another person who is married etc. Everyone has the reason WHY they do I suppose, just like people have their reasons for staying or not staying. I don't know that it will ever really make sense to me or if I truly will ever understand. But thats just me.

[bish]

We are here to provide a place for people to come and anonymously talk about their situations, no matter what they are. We no more legitimize infidelity than Weight Watchers legitimizes obesity.

 

the forum itself might not be intended to legitimize infidelity...but alot of its posters do.

[bish]

I don't need legitimation. I do not feel any shame or self-loathing about being an OW, and my MM and I are very open about our R and very proud of it.

 

Phatless...this post right there answers your question with a resounding...YES.

[bish]

Most likely, it was because most were not willing to go off topic in this thread, which is: "Does this forum legitimize cheating?"

 

Tony...ya know I have to ask you this....are you or ever been the OM?

[jj2007]

Does a doctor who treats AIDS legitimize homosexuality and the use of nasty syringe needles? Does a doctor who treats heart disease legitimize high cholesterol diets and lack of exercise.

 

I understand what you are saying Tony, That this forum was CREATED for support and discussion but support to get out of an affair is NOT what it is used for most of the time. I don't know ANYONE that would condone helping to lie, cheat, deceive, and break up families which is what I think is at the heart of what IO was saying. But that's just me. This forum might have been created with good intentions but that's not what some of the OW/OM use it for.