not sure what to do anymore

[sadgirl16]

hi,

i'm new here. I'm 17 yrs old, and i've been so depressed lately. for alittle while now. my mom, constantly bugs me about school, and if i did tons of hours of work per day i am. recently, i've had stomach issues and skin problems. it keeps me up at night and i can't sleep much. my stomach is better now like a bit more better, and i have missed 2 and a half months of school. that is tons especially since school ends in 3 weeks or so.

 

during these weeks, my mom has been constantly asking if i did my hw, and of course i have, and talks nothing but school. it frustrates me alot. i just talked to my teachers today, and she said she thinks i should take french again since its kinda late to make up all the work now. i have this whole dilemma. i have to take chem also again, probably cause when at home i can't do the labs which are required and so, thats another class.

 

my mom blames me for everything, and even her marriage issues. I seriously, don't have anything to do with that, but its my fault. i guess. my brother is in college at U.C davis in his apartment so he is far away from the torture. I don't get along with him pretty much at all either so its like i'm all alone. she hits me lots especially when she's pissed which is alot. and says nasty things to me like i'm evil, and that i talk bad to her, and i'm just like my dad which is a bad thing in this case, and if i wasn't her daughter she'd hate me, and how much of a failure i am and a disappointment to her i am.

 

There is way more that i haven't mentioned yet. everything i say to her somehow comes out to her as something bad. Since i'm under aged i can't really leave the house or anything. she always rants on about moving and all, and how bad this house is even though its alright. i've lived here for 10 or 11 yrs. like for instance, one time around 3 or 4 yrs ago or more i was at my grandmas house and accidently left a egg on her chair pad, well above it cause it could hold i was busy doing something and forgot it there, and later on the maid my grandma has, found it and claimed it was raw which it wasn't and my mom got helllla mad, at me and still talks about it now. that is her explanation of me ruining her marriage over leaving an egg on the chair pad accidently.

 

she brings it up alot,and is convinced my dad likes the maid and he's 60 yrs old, and she said he still has a chance with her since she married a 83 yr old man which is gross. she's like 40 ish the maid i mean. its all just messed up. its like she pre assumes everything and does stuff on her little info. i have no clue what to do anymore. i care about her, but she won't listen to me at all, she is so mean and weird to me, that sometimes i hate to admit it but i really don't like her, or hate her at some point.

 

she compares me to other people and my cousins saying how smart they are and how they are all in good colleges and how my friend lisa is so smart and didn't get any help with her school work and she's getting good grades, and etc.

 

i've gotten to the point i don't wanna live anymore. i won't do anything of course to hurt or do worse to myself i just feel bad inside. like i'm crying inside. sorry for the never ending post, i just want someone to talk to. thanks for listening. bye

 

-keri

[sadgirl16]

not tryin to bug anyone, but i really need some advice

[Tony T]

Your mother is very screwed up and there's not much you can do about it except try not to take what she says at heart. In other words listen to it, do what she tells you, but ignore that which is not relevant.

 

You will require a great deal of counselling when you are able to afford it. You are in a highly abusive, dysfunctional environment. Your mother is terrifying.

 

Do your best to endure and get out of this situation as soon as possible. If you had a nice relative to live with, that would be nice.

 

By all means do plan to spend a lot of time working on yourself to heal from the abuse you are taking.

 

On the other hand, I'm only getting your side of this and I am assuming it's accurate. If you're doing things to cause your mother to be like this, then that's a whole other story.

 

Don't say or do things to antagonize her. And do something nice for her once in a while. It sounds like she didn't get much love as a child. Sometimes people like this are calling out for love and help. She didn't get this way by coming from a nice, supportive, emotionally healthy family.

 

And if you don't want to be the way she is, you'll have to get counselling in order to heal and straighten yourself out.

 

Good luck...and hang in there. You've got less than a year before you can move out. It goes by fast.

[sadgirl16]

alright. i hear ya. Well honestly, everything i have said is quite true. If you thought that sounded bad, it gets worse. But i won't keep going on about it. When u said abusive do u mean, verbally, mentally, or physically? she does hit me but not all the time. I don't do something to make her blow up super like she does. Now that you mention it, as a child she grew up with her dad in the military well, he was home alot too, and he hit my grandma and they didn't get along a ton, and each of my mom's siblings helped my grandma out.

 

My moms dad, tried to punch my grandma but one time my aunt blocked him and she got her eye hit real hard and her eye doesn't work good anymore in one side. Plus my uncle has a scar on his arm from helping out too. So i guess her household was pretty violent as a child. but she has told me of good times as a kid, so it wasn't a all the time bad family life thing. She hung out with my grandma and all and her brother and sisters. so, it was just a bit of her life it was like that, her being the youngest.

 

 

doesn't it count if, u witness abuse or something like that, and even if u don't want to you imprint it into your mind like that like as if thats correct to do and u do it when angry? she gets mad all the time, or alot, and treats my bro better than me and i'm the one that gets the heavy blows and the punishments. i'm seriously not a bad person.

 

 

she over reacts tons of times, if i make a tiny not worth getting angry mistake she blows up. like for example well another example not of her getting mad easily, at a meeting w/my french teacher, my teacher was all "if your daugher wanted she can take the GED and never have to step foot in to school again....................and later she can go into a junior college and be able to go to a UC if she wants UCLA if she wanted." and my mom looked at me and said "in your dreams" like in a mean tone. i do show her love, i buy her gifts on mothers day good ones some expensive, and this year i bought her a orchid her favorite plant. she liked it a bit, but very little bits of time she is nice and i cuddle with her a bit, but most times she acts real mean and nasty to me and hits me tons not hard enough to get bruised but it hurts, and she verbally abuses me too. My self esteem is very very low and i am seeing a counselor but it isn't really helping. i can't tell everything cause my mom would practically kill me. true, she might not find out about what i tell the guy but, some of her badness has to do with hitting me but not evidence bruises. thats the issue. kinda. well done typin for now....hope that clears a few things up.....thanks a bunch.

[Tony T]

You didn't need to clear anything up. It is extremely clear that you are in a significantly abusive family. Your mother is abusive in every way possible.

 

The only alternative you have to putting up with it the best you can and then getting yourself some heavy duty counselling so you can unscrew yourself up is to call Children's Services in your area and report the abuse. You and your siblings, if you have any, will be placed in foster homes until you are 18. Usually, a hearing is held to confirm the abuse.

 

What you are going through is extremely serious and will have very major effects on your life to come. That's why I emphasize that you have a lot of work and healing to do when you get away from your mother.

 

Besides the abuse, you have been emotionally abandoned my your mother and basically have no mother. You have a witch who gives you lots of hell but no emotional support or visible love. That is tragic.

 

Let us know if there are other ways we can help you. Meanwhile, you may want to discuss this with your school counsellor. You need to get started on your healing process as soon as possible. This abuse will affect your relationships for years to come.

 

You don't say anything about your father. Were you abandoned by him as well. If he's around and doesn't do anything about this abuse, that's really bad as well and will affect your relationships with men all the days of your life...unless you get counselling. You've got a lot of healing ahead of you.

[cindy0039]

I am so sorry to hear about the way you are feeling. I know it must be hard for you. It sounds like you are the only one left in the house with your mom much of the time and that she tends to take out her unhappiness on you. But I can also tell from your post that you do love your mom and are genuinely concerned for her and want to have a relationship with her, just not under the current circumstances. Do you think you could sit down with her sometime when she's in one of her happier moods and tell her how you feel when she hits you or talks nasty to you and maybe even suggest that she go to counseling herself? She really needs it.

 

First and foremost you must understand that no matter what, you have done nothing to deserve being abused. This is not about you, it is about her. Like Tony pointed out, it is probably as a result of her upbringing and things that have happened in her life (including with your dad) that have caused her to be an unhappy person. You can feel sorry for her but you DO NOT have to take abuse from her. You are old enough now to stand up for yourself and tell her that you know the difference between discipline and abuse and that you will not tolerate it. Also, Tony is right, you should tell someone in authority what is going on at home.

 

I also have raised teenagers and I know that kids your age have a lot of issues outside of their parents to deal with that tend to make things at home even harder to handle. My son is 22 now and I have a terrific relationship with him, but when he was a teenager he really pushed my buttons and acted out (as teenagers are prone to do) and exaggerated how "bad" things were at home when it suited his purposes. I'm not saying that is what you're doing. I'm just saying that some of what is happening within you and how you're feeling will pass when you become older. But I never hit or abused my son, so that is a big difference of course. I don't believe in telling people to abandon relationships with their family, but you don't have to stay in an abusive situation. You can try what you can to change it (without taking the blame) and if that doesn't work then by all means get out by whatever means you have to. Everybody is responsible for themselves in life and protecting themselves and making their own happiness and that is ultimately what you have to do. Your mom has to take responsibility for herself if she wants to continue to have a relationship with you in the future. That's just my opinion anyway.

[sadgirl16]

thanks for the replies. she doesn't hit me 24/7 but it isn't pretty. i constantly feel sad, or worried about alot of stuff, plus if she'll be nice today or mean. It has come up while she was in a good mood, that i ask her if she'd try to stop or stop being nasty to me, but she either ignores me saying it or gets a bit agitated. I have suggested she go get some counseling but she gets mad when i suggest it. she just says " i don't need it".

 

my dad, yes i guess i haven't mentioned him much. He lives in L.A at the moment because jobs in my area that are his type of work, isn't very easy to get here, so he got one in l.a . even when he was here, he just is a coach potato. He gets up and walks around a bit and goes on the computer, but mostly snores on the couch. He is submissive to my mom. he just sits there and watches her say or do stuff. he just tells me to not fight w/her and to just take her bs. like just don't say anything and let her talk. thats all he does, he doesn't really do any action or help any, my relationship with him isn't that great either. I don't act out, with them, i just act normal and hyper sometimes but not annoying in your face kind. THey are used to it anyway. my dad yells at me too, and in my heart i don't feel like i have a dad. i mean some people don't have father figures in their lives, but mine is here just i don't feel like he's a father to me. does that make sense? not sure.

 

my mom can't even say a mere please when she wants the remote or something and expects me to do everything she says like right away or she'll get mad. she goes "do it now!!" and repeats that till i do it. I do do it , in minutes of her saying so, but i mean i'm not her slave or a robot person.

 

i left two lights on upstairs once, and i forgot but was coming back not super long anyway, and she got hecka mad at me like blew up, due to her not wanting to waste money on energy.

 

does it count as abuse even though she doesn't always like all the time hit me? she does hit me quite a bit, but not millions of times per day, and they don't become blue or green huge painful bruises but they are painful when she whacks.

 

another time, she said "if you don't listen to me i'll shave ur hair off in your sleep". and not too long from that day, she wanted to go to zoo, or golden gate park or something, and i kinda didn't feel well, at the moment when i woke up, and i went back to sleep cause i was half asleep anyway, and next thing i know its 12 pm and she yells my name from downstairs and charges up and i see her holding scissors, and she comes into my room and since my window was open she closed them and put down the blinds and grabbed my hair, and was about to cut, but i ran out of the room and my dad kinda helped he said "the neighbors might think your trying to kill her" thats all and she backed off for that time.

 

ok, last story um,,,one time i found lysol some cleaner fluid and tried cleaning the cupboard for her, and she said it was the wrong kind, and i put some of the liquid in cups to i could sponge it out, and my mom got hella pissed and said "drink it" and all, the liquid, which would most likely kill me. All my dad said was "she might die if she drinks it" and so she didn't pursue, but there are so many other events that are worse.

 

Foster home? aren't i too old? and you need evidence of abuse. like green or blue or anything bruisy. Most of my abuse is mental, and emotional. Physical yes, but not evidency enough. Should i just stick to talkin to a counselor???

 

thanks a bunch.

[Paul]

Hi sadgirl16,

 

You are in a crisis situation and require help beyond the scope of this forum.

 

You need to talk to a trusted teacher, your school nurse or guidance counselor at school about your present situation. Let them know what your condition at home is and ask them for assistance. Print out a copy of this thread and give them a copy if it'll make it easier to share how you're feeling and what you're experiencing at home.

 

It is imperative that you let an adult know what's going on who can support you through this.

 

You may also call Childhelp USA's National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453). It's available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and is staffed by professionals who can help guide you.

 

Get help now!

 

Best wishes,

Paul

[cindy0039]

To answer your question: YES, what you're describing IS abuse...both physical and emotional. Have you talked to your counselor about it at all?

[sadgirl16]

i have mentioned this to my counselor. but, not into the subject deeply. I didn't want my mom to get in trouble. well, actually i didn't want it to not work and me going back with my mom and her gettins majorly pissed at me forever even more cause i told on her.

 

she acts nice around guests and i told my homeschooling teacher about her, and she at first at least said "oh your moms a nice lady, you should be nice to her" well i didn't do anything not sure why she said that. So its hard to get people on my side.

 

 

i thought the abuse line, was for serious abused kids? like all the time, beatings w/objects or at least something to make horrible bruises. that isn't me. well, it has happened that she threw stuff at me like a metal garbage can, and a couple other things but most times its just hand to my body hits. all i can say is that its so hard i cry every time, does that really count as it? i might have a false impression of what abuse counts as.

[Paul]

Hi sadgirl16,

 

Originally posted by sadgirl16

i thought the abuse line, was for serious abused kids? like all the time, beatings w/objects or at least something to make horrible bruises. that isn't me. well, it has happened that she threw stuff at me like a metal garbage can, and a couple other things but most times its just hand to my body hits. all i can say is that its so hard i cry every time, does that really count as it? i might have a false impression of what abuse counts as.

 

The abuse line is for anyone to call, regardless of the type, character, severity, or frequency of the abuse. They are there to help you determine whether or not you're being abused, what steps you can take, the options you have, and to give you information about what to do next.

 

There are many ways people can abuse each other--emotionally, spiritually, and physically. What you have posted here already strongly suggests a high likelihood that what you're experiencing is abuse. If you feel most comfortable talking to strangers about it, pick up the phone when it's safe for you to talk and give them a call--if need be, visit the nearest pay phone (the hotline is a free call) or call from school or a friend's house. You can remain anonymous if you wish when you call.

 

Don't worry about getting your mom in trouble--that's not the issue here. Her problems are not your burden to carry. Your priority is to get yourself in an environment that is most beneficial to your needs as a growing young lady. Let the people at that hotline know about your concerns and discuss with them what options are available to get your mom the help it sounds she needs as well.

 

Often, it's difficult for people to know what they're going through while they're still in that same situation. We, as outsiders looking in, with many with experiences similar to your own, are in a position and frame of reference where it's easy for us to pick out the signs of abuse in what you've described.

 

Get the help you need now! Recognizing the problem is only half the battle. Now it's up to you to take action and start the journey to healing and happiness.

 

Best wishes,

Paul

[Clancy]

Sadgirl, Listen to what Paul said to you. Get help. The life you are living is extremely harmful to your well-being in all respects. You are living with an angry, unstable person in an unsafe environment.

 

If all else fails even go to the emergency clinic at a hospital. It is that serious.

 

I was raised in an abusive home and have grown up now and realize that I should have asked for help. Don't wait until you are damaged even more that you have been. Ask for help, and don't stop asking for help until you are safe from the abuse. Good Luck.

[sadgirl16]

ok, thanks. When she probably isn't watching i will try and call the hotline. and see, if they can suggest anything reasonable.

sorry for buggin but, even if she isn't mean all the time? like its around 15 out of twenty. or sometimes 16.

[Arcane]

Even 1 out of 20 is too much

[Carly]

Hey Sadgirl,

 

As you can see from the replies you have been getting, we all care about your welfare and happiness. And once you start reaching out for help beyond the internet, you will find the same warmth and concern -- actually it will be even better since people nearby will be able to provide direct intervention.

 

Did you say that you are being homeschooled? What grade are you in? What have you got left to do to complete your highschool and get a diploma? Are you applying for anything beyond highschool?

 

The reason I ask is that perhaps highschool should be your focus right now.

 

As you say, there may not be sufficient evidence to prove abuse, and you may be opening a hornet's nest with child welfare authorities and your mother. The sad reality is that it DOES require substantial evidence of abuse before authorities step in. This is just to say, don't let any one of us try to judge your case in terms of how it should or will be treated by the authorities. We would hate to see you set up with false hopes. We just don't know enough.

 

 

What IS for CERTAIN though is that your most important task right now is to complete your highschool and better yourself so that you will not have to rely on your mother once you are an adult. If your mother is single and poor, then there is a good chance that you will qualify for student assistance. Believe me, honey, education may be a better ticket out of your dysfunctional family than going to welfare authorities.

 

 

Please, please go for counselling to help yourself prepare for an adulthood that is financially and emotionally free from your mother.

 

Again, I would love to hear more about your current schooling situation, and your plans for future training or education.

Looking forward to hearing your answer.

[sadgirl16]

hey,

i being homeschooled. its provided from my school. i'm in the eleventh grade (junior).

 

my mom isn't poor, but isn't rich. We are average, like most people. i don't get along with my dads side of the family real well, but my grandma sends me money for my birthday, that is coming up, and so, if i save up i guess i could, go live somewhere else when i turn eighteen.

 

my homeschooling teacher is really nice, and understanding. We have alot in common, and she doesn't get along super with her dad either, but does with her mom.

 

i just don't know how much longer i can last without having a nervous break down or something. thanks for listening

[flower]

Do seek help from a professional counsellor soonest possible.Take care!

[Dude]

Are u exagerrating any of what you said in this forum ? Are u just messing aroiund on here

[Carly]

Hi Sadgirl,

 

I am glad that you are so close to finishing high school! And to think that you did it despite your problem mother!! This just goes to show that you CAN have control over your life, and that you ARE doing the right thing for yourself. As I am sure you already know, getting that highschool diploma will make a bigger difference on the rest of your life than any thing that you can do for yourself right now.

 

And I am also happy to hear that you do have a safety zone for yourself ---your homeschool teacher. Stick with her, complete your assignments, and study hard for any statewide exams that you might have coming up.

 

Sadgirl, judging from your posts, you are in a rough situation, but you are NOT about to have a nervous break down. You are strong, and well spoken, and you have a clear picture in your mind of what is right and what is wrong. I would be proud to have a daughter like you!!

 

You have many strengths. From what I see, you simply do not have the stuff that makes people "break down." Believe me, I have professional background in the field, and from you what you are posting I can see that you are doing very well under the circumstances. So just forget about those worries!!

 

You are almost an adult, almost finished your high school, and almost ready to move out. Don't allow your mother's problems to become such a big part of your life that they take you off the track for what you should be doing for yourself: moving ahead toward a good future.

 

What are your dreams? What are you good at in school? What kind of training do you want? College? University? A trade?

 

Yes, I think that you should see a counsellor, but because you are almost an adult the focus should be more on preparing yourself for the great future that you deserve.

 

I guess since you are homeschooled, you can't go to your school counsellor. Is there a college or university nearby where you could arrange for some counselling of this type? Where I live, the universities provide free counselling on career planning -- even to outsiders -- juniors such as yourself!

 

Oh, and one last thing: Don't forget to just take time out from thinking about your mother's problems. Whenever you are away from your her, just seize the moment and enjoy all the beauty that is around you.

 

That too is part of growing up and preparing yourself for a good future.