she needed space, i pushed it, she wants space again..

[mindsurfer]

She is my close buddy’s gf.. we met some 6 yrs ago.. she was not seeing my buddy at that time but was seeing another guy.. we just hung out a few times and were just acquaintances before she left the city to attend school.. she was in school for 4 yrs and during this time we were never in touch except for one brief accidental meeting.. before she left for school there was a huge misunderstanding between us bcoz of something that I had said to my buddy in a lighter vein about an incident which was taken seriously by him as well as her..

 

couple of yrs ago, she returned to the city.. she had just broken up with that guy whom she was seeing for close to 7 yrs.. my buddy always wanted to be in a romantic relationship with her and was devastated when she had left for school.. so, i was happy when she came back.. they are now seeing each other since the last 2 yrs and I am really happy for the both of them..

 

I’m her biggest crush ever (she said that she fell for me the first time she met me).. but i've never really been attracted to her.. around an year ago, she initiated our friendship.. we slowly got to know each other and she is a wonderful person.. she told me even though what i had said 6 yrs ago had hurt her, she still loved me and also always harbored the desire to be friends with me.. she made me very comfortable and we loved each other's company.. she said with every passing day, her love towards me was increasing.. she used to plan a lot of things together.. we used to hang out a lot.. sometimes just the two of us and at other times with her bf (my buddy) and a couple of his other buddies.. she is also close to those two guys (my buddy's buddies).. our relationship was very platonic.. we used to text each other a great deal.. she showered me with a lot of love and affection.. i still remember the first time she hugged me and also the first time she gave an affectionate peck on my cheek (she initiated both the hug and the kiss)..

 

I’m a very emotional person.. i don’t make friends that easily.. i have few friends and i love them dearly.. i have had certain priorities and had made a conscious decision to stay out of the dating game for an year.. in the past one year she has become a very close buddy and as i haven’t been seeing anyone during this time (and also 3 of my other close friends have temporarily moved to other cities), i used to share everything with her.. but she is the kind of person who always wears a smile on her face even when she is going through tough times but never talks about it.. in the last 2 months we've hardly spent any time together and i had been complaining about it.. i give it my all to my relationships and expect the same from the other person (i know its not fair to have such expectations).. she kept telling me that she was busy with work and going through tough times and as soon as she would fix those issues she’d hang out with me more often.. but we never stopped texting each other.. during this time, she still used to still hang out with my buddy’s buddies.. and i kept complaining that she had time for everybody but me (on earlier occasions, she had categorically told me that I meant more to her than those 2 guys)

 

We’ve had a lot of misunderstandings in the past year and i take responsibility for most of them as i am a very sensitive person.. she has always made the effort to broker peace.. and everytime we used to patch up, we used to tell each other how much we love each other.. she has on numerous occasions said that she wanted me with her all her life.. i was supposed to live in a foreign country for a year (but i didnt go) and she had almost cried when i had told her that.. she used to say that she couldn’t believe we were friends.. she also said that she loved me as mush as she loved her parents, her dog, and her bf.. i even had an affectionate pet name for her which she simply loved..

 

On a weekend, around three weeks ago, she told me that she was going to hang out with my buddy’s buddies and i snapped and reminded her how i had been asking her to spend time with me and she was ignoring me.. as she had told me that she was going thru tough times, i realzed my mistake and apologized the next evening by texting her as she didn’t answer her phone when i repeatedly called her.. the next morning, i called her from another number but she disconnected the call after hearing my voice.. after a while, she called me and we spoke close to an hour.. she said certain things which made me feel that i was less important to her than my buddy’s buddies.. but she did say that i was very important to her.. i was devastated and told her that we should re-evaluate our relationship and take things slowly.. we used to text each other good morning and good night.. so i just continued with it.. she stopped responding to them 2 days after this incident.. i felt bad because of this and sent her a text message begging her to bury the past.. she was probably under a lot of stress and replied that she regretted initiating our friendship.. she spoke as though i was a psychopath… this angered me and i said things like “you don’t deserve my love”.. i sent her a lot of text messages apologizing for that but didn’t get a reply.. she finally apologized and said that she would explain things to me in a few days and i thought she was ready for a patch up which wasnt the case..

 

the next day i went to her workplace unannounced and waited for 2 hrs for her to get off from work.. i just wanted to tell her that i did not want an explanation from her and loved her a lot and would always be there for her.. she greeted me with a smile but said that she had to urgently go somewhere.. i told her what i wanted to.. i also told her that i wanted to hug her bcoz i felt that it would make her feel better.. she refused.. i just kissed her forehead and left.. an hour later she sent me a text again saying she regretted being my friend and me waiting for her near her workplace to say that i loved her, made her feel sick.. she also said that things would never be the same between us.. i didn’t reply to that message for an hour bcoz i knew she was stressed but i felt i deserved better.. it made me very angry and i had to vent out.. i told her she truly didn’t deserve my love and asked her not the do that same with her bf who is my close buddy.. i also told her that I would continue to love her as she is a wonderful person and our relationship had helped me grow as a person (which is true).. i also told her if in the future she changed her mind and wanted me back as her friend, i would say no.. i decided to let her go..

 

a week later, i started missing her and apologized once again.. i said whatever i had said and done was wrong and i could not justify those things by blaming my anger for it.. she did not reply.. i sent her an e-mail the next day apologising and explaining what her friendship meant to me.. i also sent her a few more text messages in the evening apologizing and also told her that i would stop bothering her if she told me what was it that made her regret my friendship.. she finally replied that she did not regret being friends with me but felt that even she was also partly responsible for all that had happened.. she has again asked for some space and i have decided to wait for her to get back to me bcoz i love her a lot and don't want to lose a wonderful friend like her…

 

Should i move on or wait for her to contact me? Can i expect her to? What should I do?

 

This post is really long, but i wanted to paint the complete picture so that it would help everybody to come up with suggestions.. HELP PLEASE..

[Zona76]

This girl goes and hops from guy to guy. She must know precisely what she's doing and intentionally is out to break as many hearts as she can.

I can't understand people like this. I believe she's seeing someone at work too and is afraid you showing up there has spoiled things there. She doesn't know what she wants and likely never will. She will end up old and nobody but a bucket full of regrets.

She enjoys the flirting. The thrill of the chills. But she will never be able to commit.

How old is she? Looks like she's not planning to grow up soon.

[Letranger]

Yes. I would find someone else and give this girl all the space in the world.

[mindsurfer]

@zona76

 

["This girl goes and hops from guy to guy. She must know precisely what she's doing and intentionally is out to break as many hearts as she can.

I can't understand people like this. I believe she's seeing someone at work too and is afraid you showing up there has spoiled things there. She doesn't know what she wants and likely never will. She will end up old and nobody but a bucket full of regrets.

She enjoys the flirting. The thrill of the chills. But she will never be able to commit.

How old is she? Looks like she's not planning to grow up soon."]

 

thanks for posting a reply..

 

Actually, she is just close to those 2 guys, her bf (and me before this unfortunate incident happened).. nobody else.. and she knows them for longer than she knows me..

 

i have earlier dropped at her workplace unannounced and she was very happy and had displayed a lot of affection on those occasions.. and i am quite sure that she is not seeing anyone at work..

 

after every misunderstanding, she would take the initiative to rekindle our friendship.. but this time around even though i have been trying to patch up things asking her to forgive me and professing my love for her, she hasnt once said that she loves me too...

 

if i give her the space, i cant even hang out with my buddy (her bf) as she is with him and those 2 guys all the time.. i feel like i am going to end up losing 2 close friends.. (she and her bf)..

[mindsurfer]

@Letranger

 

yes, thats what i told her.. she can have all the space in the world..

[jerbear]

if i give her the space, i cant even hang out with my buddy (her bf) as she is with him and those 2 guys all the time.. i feel like i am going to end up losing 2 close friends.. (she and her bf)..

 

It is possible to lose both friends; I would suggest making new ones.

 

When a close friend gets a SO, sometimes the other gets jealous or starts to fade into the background then disappear altogether.

[Zona76]

Hold on... she's telling you whom you can and can't be friends with? That's just wrong.

Is there something you might slip up and say to your friend and expose her? I suggest you get with your buddy, inform your friend SHE has set the rules. And when she''s done with him and wants to bounce to another guy and forbids that one from talking to anyone of her lovers...maybe, just maybe someone will get the idea and figure some-thing's not right with this chick.

Trust me... she's a player. And from my point of view, if she comes back to you(which I doubt)remain aloof and she'll be all over you.

I suggest you talk to some of the other guys she's dated and compare notes.

I can't even understand why you want her back. How many guys has she slept with? Does she keep notches carved in her bedpost?

[mindsurfer]

Hold on... she's telling you whom you can and can't be friends with? That's just wrong.

Is there something you might slip up and say to your friend and expose her? I suggest you get with your buddy, inform your friend SHE has set the rules. And when she''s done with him and wants to bounce to another guy and forbids that one from talking to anyone of her lovers...maybe, just maybe someone will get the idea and figure some-thing's not right with this chick.

Trust me... she's a player. And from my point of view, if she comes back to you(which I doubt)remain aloof and she'll be all over you.

I suggest you talk to some of the other guys she's dated and compare notes.

I can't even understand why you want her back. How many guys has she slept with? Does she keep notches carved in her bedpost?

 

NO... she didnt tell me who i can or cant be friends with.. i just felt that if she didnt get back to me, i couldnt contact her as i've promised not to and might end up losing her freindship as well as that of her bf who is my close buddy..

 

i just got back from a week-long vacation.. i recieved a text message from her just before i was to leave wishing me a nice journey and she asked to have fun.. does this mean the door is still open for me and my friendship is important to her???

[Magnatolia]

@Zona, he never said she forbid him to see his friends. He obviously didn't want to cause any awkwardness while she was there.

 

@MindSurfer, Sounds like there's hope for you too. But what exactly did you do that made her so upset? Just a thought too, you probably shouldn't profess your love to a female friend especially when she's dating your friend. Seems really strange to me, and I'd be uncomfortable if I was in his shoes.

[mindsurfer]

@magnatolia

 

thanks for that ray of hope..

 

she was giving me silent treatment after saying things that hurt me.. i in turn said things like she didnt deserve my love and i wouldnt take her back even if she begged me to..

 

my love towards her is platonic.. i dont wish or harbor a secret desire to be romantically involved with her and even she know this.. and it she who first said that she loved me and it had taken a long time to for me to reciprocate..

 

yesterday, i received a really good job offer.. i shared this news with all my loved ones including her.. she said that it was such a great news and was very happy for me.. but she no more texts or calls me.. she just responds to my text messages..

 

two days from now is a special day in our friendship.. i intend to wish her that day.. is asking her to meet me a good idea??? or should i give her some more time??? HELP PLS...

[Magnatolia]

Okay but it still sounds a bit strange. Did you more the friendship closer in any way when she started to pull away? Maybe her bf was feeling uncomfortable and asked to her pull away.

 

Regardless, how is this day special? Give her the option. Say something like 'hey, tomorrow is our special day, I'd love to meet you at ...., if you're comfortable with that'. Something like that, let her know that there's no obligation.

 

Let us know how you go.

[mindsurfer]

as i've said her bf is my close buddy... he is well aware of the equation i share with her... so, i dont think he has asked her to pull away... according to me, i was excessively demanding but i am not sure if it there was anything wrong with it coz in the past i've tried my best to meet all her expectations...

 

tomorrow is a special day coz it is gonna be six yrs since we first met... i've decided to wish her and tell her that knowing her has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me... am gonna ask her to meet me... whenever she is ready... i've decided that this will be my last contact in any form to her bcoz i've said sorry a million times and told her how much i love her.. its been a month and she hasnt on a single occassion said that she loves me too.. considering the fact that she used to say it every single day before that unfortunate incident happened...

 

am gonna keep my fingers crossed... wish me luck...

[mindsurfer]

i forgot to mention another thing... coupla days ago, i met her bf who is my close buddy... based on another person's suggestion, i asked for his advice to help me fix my friendship with his gf... donno if i did the right thing... but he said that she had indeed mentioned to him about that unfortunate incident but he had told her that he didnt want to know the details.. he was sincere and apologetic when he said that he didnt want to get involved and make things worse...

[Elyssa]

Hold on... she's telling you whom you can and can't be friends with? That's just wrong.

Is there something you might slip up and say to your friend and expose her? I suggest you get with your buddy, inform your friend SHE has set the rules. And when she''s done with him and wants to bounce to another guy and forbids that one from talking to anyone of her lovers...maybe, just maybe someone will get the idea and figure some-thing's not right with this chick.

Trust me... she's a player. And from my point of view, if she comes back to you(which I doubt)remain aloof and she'll be all over you.

I suggest you talk to some of the other guys she's dated and compare notes.

I can't even understand why you want her back. How many guys has she slept with? Does she keep notches carved in her bedpost?

 

I'm not exactly sure why you keep trying to make this girl sound promiscuous, putting her down with those insinuations, and twisting what the OP says to make her look bad when the OP mentioned she was close to 7 years with the same person so I doubt that is the case.

 

Anyhow... Mindsurfer, I hate to say this because you really seem a nice and caring guy, but it sounds like she's through with the friendship and persisting to win her back is only going to push her further away. Leave her be for now. Wishing her a happy day for your special day is fine but I wouldn't suggest you meet with her at this point because it really sounds like she doesn't want to and she might feel obligated and do it anyway to avoid hurting your feelings.

 

Hang out with your friends and her as a group like you used to, but don't impose your presence. Be cool. Do fun things without them as well so that when you guys are hanging out, you have something interesting to talk about. Don't show or tell her her you miss her, even if you do. Stop apologizing, you've already done it enough times. In short, don't be a doormat. The objective is to show her what she's missing out on by not being your friend.

 

It might or might not bring her back to you, but if it doesn't, you will be well on your way to stop mourning her loss and moving on with your life.

 

Let us know how things go!

 

-E

[mindsurfer]

So, here’s the update.. I wished her on that day and told her that I’ve learnt a great deal from her as well as from our friendship and she has given me great memories for life.. she wished me back.. but then started being sarcastic.. I started to apologize all over again.. she kept saying that I had hurt her badly and it was impossible for her to get over it.. she also said she was equally responsible for all this.. I don’t know why is it so tough fro her to realize that I hurt coz she hurt me first.. even then I was taking complete blame for all that has happened and she thought I was blaming her for everything.. I invest a great deal in to all my relationships.. she asked me to forgive her and I said that I had forgiven her long back bcoz I figured that whatever she had said to hurt me was not the real her and she had said those things as she was under a great deal of stress.. I don’t know why she is unable to think on similar lines.. she said she could never forget what had happened and could never forgive me.. I didn’t know our friendship was this weak and fragile.. I was being a doormat and I deserve better.. I finally decided to let her go and strangely I’ve not felt this good in a long long time..:)

 

thanks everybody for your suggestions.. they were of great help...

[Magnatolia]

So tell her these things. Just say that you're tired of apologizing and wasting your time. Point out the fact that you retaliated to what she said, so why is it that you can't get over it?

[mindsurfer]

@magnatolia

 

I told her all that but it doesnt seem to make any sense to her. I think she is being selfish. As I have mentioned in my previous post, I let her go. I am in the process of getting over all that happened. Doesnt matter if she cant get over it. Its time for me to move on and make some new friends.