Can I be friends with my TA?

[dutchie]

Let me start off by saying that I am a 29 year old undergrad student. I already have a good job that pays well and allows me the flexibility to be a full time student. I am finishing my BA while I have no kids, husband, etc. I am driven and motivated and quite often feel isolated and lonely surrounded by my drunk 20 year old peers. I have friends, a boyfriend even, but I feel a very powerful attraction, or desire to get to know someone else…….

 

And he is one of my teachers. Actually, he is a Grad student, and just a TA teaching this class. I believe him to be in his 30s, he is not married or have a girlfriend, as we have all talked about this in class with each other, using our elementary German skills.

 

It is a foreign language class, and English is his 3rd language, so of course I think that is hot. I am definitely attracted to him, but more importantly I find him fascinating, and just would like the chance to get to know him better. He is not American, moved here to get his MA, and he drops hints in class all the time that he is lonely, bored, hasn’t been to a bar in ages, etc…..

 

I am aware of transference (I am a psych major) and believe that may be playing a part here, but I don’t know, I feel like I need to be friends with this person. I can’t explain it……..the semester is ending in a few weeks and I feel sad thinking that I won’t see him anymore. There is a possibility he may be teaching another class next semester that I have to take, but…

 

My question is: Is it totally inappropriate to ask him for a cup of coffee after the semester is over? Should I wait until I find out if he is teaching my next class? I really have only intentions of being friends, not sexual at all, although if he started hitting on me I am not sure I could refuse because he is so darn cute. But anyways, is it wrong/unethical for us to be friends?

[lovelorcet]

I say go for it...

[ShoeGirl]

I don't think it would be a problem to be friends, although you might want to wait until the semester is over so he doesn't think you are after a grade. If he is your TA next semester then I would be careful if it goes past friendship and check your schools rules.

 

For what it's worth I am currently dating a guy who was in one of the classes I taught last year

[oppath]

I have a rec instructor I am crushing on. I want to ask her out. I'm nervous as hell because I sent her a friend request on facebook -- lame, I know -- and now I'm thinking "is she gonna be freaked?" It's not an academic class. She's an undergrad, I'm a grad, it is a recreation-sports class. We flirt. My friend said "I think she flirts with you and leaves you room to flirt back." All I know is there is something alluring about her personality. I want to explore it more. But all I can do is wait and build rapport and go for the opening if she gives me one. Nothing I can do beyond that.

 

I say go for it. Nothing is wrong with being friends. I did not mind my students wanting to get to know me, though I would not have accepted a friend request via facebook or myspace, for example, until after the class was over, and even then, I would say "it's too soon. I wouldn't want someone in the class to get the wrong idea." I am professional. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be open to more.

[O'Malley]

I really have only intentions of being friends, not sexual at all, although if he started hitting on me I am not sure I could refuse because he is so darn cute. But anyways, is it wrong/unethical for us to be friends?

 

I think you need to reanalyze your relationship with your boyfriend first.

 

It's not wrong to be friends with a TA, or to even date him after your classes with him are over (unless the university has established rules against it). But you're not simply wanting to be 'friends', you're seeking him out to be more and you're probably not mentioning this to your boyfriend.

[oppath]

Yeah, I missed the boyfriend part.

 

Sounds like you want to see if this guy is attracted to you too, and you want to know if it is ok to act on that.

 

Nope. You have a bf. It is natural to feel attraction for others but if your relationship is good, those thoughts are fleeting.

 

Is there any way you are unsatisfied in your relationship?

[sderenzi]

You see dear lady? They all agree with my analysis, remove the bf and become a looser woman.

[dutchie]

Yeah, you all are right. I have been having a hard time admitting that I am unhappy in my current relationship.

 

However, that is not to say that I don't have an honest to goodness interest in him as a person, not just a screw. That is why I asked about being friends. Literally. I don't want to cheat, that is not the intent.

[White Flower]

Let me start off by saying that I am a 29 year old undergrad student. I already have a good job that pays well and allows me the flexibility to be a full time student. I am finishing my BA while I have no kids, husband, etc. I am driven and motivated and quite often feel isolated and lonely surrounded by my drunk 20 year old peers. I have friends, a boyfriend even, but I feel a very powerful attraction, or desire to get to know someone else…….

 

And he is one of my teachers. Actually, he is a Grad student, and just a TA teaching this class. I believe him to be in his 30s, he is not married or have a girlfriend, as we have all talked about this in class with each other, using our elementary German skills.

 

It is a foreign language class, and English is his 3rd language, so of course I think that is hot. I am definitely attracted to him, but more importantly I find him fascinating, and just would like the chance to get to know him better. He is not American, moved here to get his MA, and he drops hints in class all the time that he is lonely, bored, hasn’t been to a bar in ages, etc…..

 

I am aware of transference (I am a psych major) and believe that may be playing a part here, but I don’t know, I feel like I need to be friends with this person. I can’t explain it……..the semester is ending in a few weeks and I feel sad thinking that I won’t see him anymore. There is a possibility he may be teaching another class next semester that I have to take, but…

 

My question is: Is it totally inappropriate to ask him for a cup of coffee after the semester is over? Should I wait until I find out if he is teaching my next class? I really have only intentions of being friends, not sexual at all, although if he started hitting on me I am not sure I could refuse because he is so darn cute. But anyways, is it wrong/unethical for us to be friends?

Does he grade your papers? If so, I might make a date after your final grade has been made. Then I wouldn't take another class with him. It could be a precarious situation for both of you. Good luck. I'm going to go and research transference now;)

[dutchie]

Does he grade your papers? If so, I might make a date after your final grade has been made. Then I wouldn't take another class with him. It could be a precarious situation for both of you. Good luck. I'm going to go and research transference now;)

 

 

Yeah, he does grade my papers. I was not really feeling like now, only a few weeks before finals, is it a good idea to try and talk him up. However, I was just wondering if anyone thought it wrong to want to get to know him outside of class. I have a million questions I would love to ask him...

 

As far as transference goes, I think this may be playing a role here because this is an 8 credit hour class I am taking. And, I am picking the language up pretty fast, and he tells me he cannot believe how well I am doing for not speaking a word of German 12 weeks ago. So he is an important figure in my life right now, so, since he makes me feel so good about myself(from doing well in the class) then maybe I am just projecting my feelings for him onto him.

 

I am working hard to get a good grade so my semester gpa is good, but also because I want him to know I am enjoying the class, or at least getting something out of it.

 

I don't know, at least I have motivation to go to class every day, to get a good grade, and at this rate, I will be fluent by the end of next semester because I am obsessed. Maybe I will just ask him to eine Tasse Kaffee auf Deutsch!

[Lil D]

Hi,

I was looking at the posts and yours seemed to be the most similar to mine. I asked my TA out for coffee. I was so damn nervous I pretty much riuned it. So, I am sure you already know this, but keep calm. It's not big deal. I was really happy when he said yes. If he is giving you the right signals (body language, eye contact, or just that feeling of sexual tension) then I say why not. However, I would advise to do it after the semester is over, even if it is for just friends.

Good Luck!!

[dutchie]

Not that anyone really cares, but I went ahead and asked him to have a drink with me and my girl friend from class a couple weeks ago. He said sure and actually started walking with us for a minute but then decided that he really should wait till after the final. Last night on break he asked if we are still going out for that drink. So, as a group activity, all should be fine. Just an update.

[ShoeGirl]

Not that anyone really cares, but I went ahead and asked him to have a drink with me and my girl friend from class a couple weeks ago. He said sure and actually started walking with us for a minute but then decided that he really should wait till after the final. Last night on break he asked if we are still going out for that drink. So, as a group activity, all should be fine. Just an update.

 

Glad he was interested. When is your final?

[dutchie]

Glad he was interested. When is your final?

 

This Monday...

[White Flower]

Yeah, he does grade my papers. I was not really feeling like now, only a few weeks before finals, is it a good idea to try and talk him up. However, I was just wondering if anyone thought it wrong to want to get to know him outside of class. I have a million questions I would love to ask him...

 

As far as transference goes, I think this may be playing a role here because this is an 8 credit hour class I am taking. And, I am picking the language up pretty fast, and he tells me he cannot believe how well I am doing for not speaking a word of German 12 weeks ago. So he is an important figure in my life right now, so, since he makes me feel so good about myself(from doing well in the class) then maybe I am just projecting my feelings for him onto him.

 

I am working hard to get a good grade so my semester gpa is good, but also because I want him to know I am enjoying the class, or at least getting something out of it.

 

I don't know, at least I have motivation to go to class every day, to get a good grade, and at this rate, I will be fluent by the end of next semester because I am obsessed. Maybe I will just ask him to eine Tasse Kaffee auf Deutsch!

Zehr gut! and a good idea:)

Good luck!

[dutchie]

Zehr gut! and a good idea:)

Good luck!

 

vielen dank!

[Trimmer]

That is why I asked about being friends. Literally. I don't want to cheat, that is not the intent.

I believe that is not your intent, but an intention is different from a boundary. Without passing judgment, for your own sake, I implore you to be very honest with yourself about your feelings, both for your current boyfriend and your TA. There are so many stories here on LS from people who "end up" straying, that start out with apparently reasonable motives (just friends, someone to talk to, etc...) and turn into "I never intended to; it just happened..."

 

You already have a significant risk factor in this:

Yeah, you all are right. I have been having a hard time admitting that I am unhappy in my current relationship.

Would you find your TA as attractive, would you be as powerfully motivated, and would you be as willing to move forward with this if you were in a significantly fulfilling relationship?

 

If it develops, will you be able to be completely open with your current BF about your friendship with the TA? If you find yourself hiding all or part of your developing relationship with your TA (you'll rationalize it by telling yourself that it's because your boyfriend "wouldn't understand"), you will have created another risk factor.

 

Are you looking forward to the possibility getting some of your emotional needs met within this new relationship which should be addressed (but are not) within your current relationship?

 

Are you getting a tingle from the idea of this new relationship? If so, is that really coming from the "just friends" part?

 

And so, if you set yourself up in a relationship with some of those risk factors already present, you loosen your boundaries a little bit because you convince yourself you only 'intend' to be friends, and then something outside your control unbalances the situation a little bit, what do you think could happen? In your own words:

...if he started hitting on me I am not sure I could refuse...

 

If you weren't with a boyfriend, I'd say don't worry about it, go for it, and enjoy yourself. However, I think you should work out what is going on with your current relationship first. I'm not even focusing on the element of fairness to your current BF (although that is another consideration); I'm concerned that you may well end up getting yourself up to your neck in a sticky situation - not good for you in the long run...

[dutchie]

Thank you for your concern Trimmer.

 

However, it kind of irritates me that some people automatically assume that I am going to sleep with this guy. I have never cheated on my current or any other bf. Is it so wrong to be attracted to someone else? I mean, I find men and women attractive all the time.

 

And I understand that I am setting my self up for temptation, but I reposted saying that this is a group activity, so what is the big deal? It is not like I am going to grab him and shove my tongue down his throat in front of the other students that come along.

 

Is it wrong to have friends outside of my relationship? Even if they are men? I have very few friends here. Lately I have been lonely more than anything else, and honestly, making friends has always been hard for me. I find him to be interesting and educated in an area that I am also very interested in, so, what is the big deal in that?

 

My bf has women friends. I trust him. He trusts me. I have other friends/acquaintances that are men. Just because I am unhappy doesn't mean that I will automatically make a hurtful decision, especially since that is not naturally in my character.

 

I realize that I said that "...if he started hitting on me I am not sure I could refuse..."but it was partly tongue in cheek, because he is a cutie. But so is this girl I have been hanging with from class, but so what big deal.

 

It is only unfair to my bf because he is a guy. If my TA was a woman, would this even be an issue? No, it probably wouldn't.

[Trimmer]

However, it kind of irritates me that some people automatically assume that I am going to sleep with this guy.

No, you misread me. I'm not trying to convince you that it's a certainty that you will - I absolutely take you at your word that you don't intend to. And I hear and understand all your points above; they are all reasonable.

 

My intent was to get you thinking honestly about your feelings, and where this might lead. If you are convinced that it is safe, and that it won't lead to anything inappropriate, if your comment about not being able to resist really was tongue in cheek (but only "partly?") then more power to you; go live your life. I very much agree that people need friends outside their relationships, and some people who have a strong commitment to their current relationships and an understanding of where their boundaries are do just fine with opposite-sex friends.

 

In the middle of my last post, I asked a set of 4 questions that you didn't address. They weren't rhetorical; I think they are all worth you considering, but the only one I am still curious about for myself is: will you be able to be completely open with your boyfriend about all aspects of any developing friendship/relationship with the TA?

 

You have said: "I have never cheated on my current or any other bf." Good; that's your history. You also said "I don't intend to..." Also good; those are your intentions. Now say "I won't, and I'll commit myself to that boundary" and I'll be quiet and wish you well.

 

I'm not trying to convince you that you are bad, or that you are bound to cheat or fail or anything. I'm just saying that you are putting yourself in a position from which many people (but no, certainly not all...) slip into inappropriate relationships. And the almost universal refrain is "I never intended; I don't know how..." I think where a lot of people get into trouble is in not truly being honest about their feelings and not taking direct responsibility for the behavioral choices they make as they slip down that slope, until they end up at the bottom saying "It just happened..."

 

Be honest with yourself; let that be your guide. Then go have a good time.

[dutchie]

Would you find your TA as attractive, would you be as powerfully motivated, and would you be as willing to move forward with this if you were in a significantly fulfilling relationship?

 

Perhaps I wouldn't be as motivated to seek this out, no, but I have always had an intense curiosity about those who are not American and who are living here. So...

 

If it develops, will you be able to be completely open with your current BF about your friendship with the TA? If you find yourself hiding all or part of your developing relationship with your TA (you'll rationalize it by telling yourself that it's because your boyfriend "wouldn't understand"), you will have created another risk factor.

 

Actually, I mentioned to my boyfriend that we are all going out after the final AND that I WAS THE ONE WHO ASKED TA TO GO. Then I invited my bf along. He doesn't want to go, so does that mean I shouldn't go?

 

And a few weeks ago my bf actually asked me, "do you want to dump me for your German teacher?" but of course he was kidding, as he was smirking while saying it. I of course said no....but asked him why he would say that, and he said it is just because I am completely obsessed with German language.

 

And as far as my boyfriend "not understanding", what is there to not understand? Teach speaks fluent German, I want to speak fluent German, we have stuff in common, he is very interesting, close to my age, etc...I don't feel the need to rub it in my bf's face that I find him attractive. I wouldn't want to know if he found his friends attractive.

 

 

Are you looking forward to the possibility getting some of your emotional needs met within this new relationship which should be addressed (but are not) within your current relationship?

 

Getting some emotional needs met is always a possible outcome whenever you forge a new relationship, even just a friendship, with someone. My bf is not perfect, and neither am I. There may always be deficiencies in certain areas. But the issues I have in my current relationship with my bf are not necessarily those that would be fixed by someone else. They are personal to our situation. And we have been trying to address them.

 

Are you getting a tingle from the idea of this new relationship? If so, is that really coming from the "just friends" part?

 

Kind of, yeah. But I have a tingle with a woman friend I have recently met also. We hang out all the time, yes she is cute (yes I like women too), yes my boyfriend knows both of those things.

 

But I think the tingles I have been having are from the idea of having a social life again. I mean I have friends, a few really good friends that I have known for years. I am lucky to have true friends, but I have been really lonely the last few years, as I have relocated and started a new career and now going back to school full time.....I just have had so much going on it is a wonder that I even had time to start a relationship.

 

I understand the cautions. (Achtung!) And I appreciate you trying to make me aware of all possible outcomes. Sorry I took it personally, but I think I had different ideas of where this thread would go when I started it. I was really trying to see if this is something that is ok to do. I mean the actual act of approaching someone that is somewhat employed by my University. I have never attended such a large school before, always smaller, more liberal institutions, so boundaries to me at this new big school seem to be different. That was all.

 

So now, I feel like I am kind of a cheatin' ho or something.

[dutchie]

I re read my original post and perhaps I should have not said of "course I think he is hot." So yeah, I do have a crush on him, which then would lead others to believe that my intention is to cheat, or that there is a possiblity of such.

 

My bad. I am just a horndog, I guess.