km82794 Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 Ok, I'll try and sum this up real quick. 1. Been with Tim (he's 35) for 3 years, now engaged. 2. Tim's been broke up with Sue for 3 years. 3. Sue's brother Mike lives with her. 4. Mike shows up to work on Tim's broken truck (they're friends.) 5. (In my opinion) Tim acts like a big showoff, harda**. 6. I go outside and get the "what do you want", "what are you doing out here" question. 7. I get hurt and p.o.'d. 8. Snap at Tim when he asks if the potatoes are done yet that "no, the potatoes aren't done yet, for the third time". 9. Tim walks back outside and says something smart in front of Mike about me. 10. I go back outside to have a roll thrown at me. 11. I Turn the hose on Tim. 12. I know that Mike will run home and tell Sue, that Tim treats me different than he treated Sue. 13. Should I be p.o.'d? Special Note: This showoff attitude happens in front of ANY man. Hasn't been the first time, sure it won't be the last. I can understand the "can't show affection when the buddies are around", but to be an all out pr*ck? I thought men quit this in junior high. Q: Should I be mad and do all men have this problem to an extent? Q: Should I invest in ducktape? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 talk to him and tell him you don't appreciate him being a jackass in front of his friends when it comes to you. If he's a decent guy, he'll try harder to not pull that on you again. If he continues to act like a jackass read him the riot act. If he STILL continues, just dump him. There are more guys out there than you can shake a stick at, many who are actually quite nice. Duct tape? whoo, girl, you're devious -- I can think of choice places to put that stuff on a errant BF!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 Q: Should I be mad and do all men have this problem to an extent? You can be mad if it makes you feel good. I don't get mad because research has shown anger to foreshorten lifespan so I just get even. No two men are alike. But I would say that many men, at a certain age, go through this kind of behavior. However, he may be trying to impress his buddy...or he may be trying to show you how macho he is. It is immature and he'll get over it someday. Q: Should I invest in ducktape? Right now, I would stay out of the stock market. However, having a roll of ducktape onhand is always a good idea if the ducks come around. Link to post Share on other sites
Clancy Posted May 23, 2003 Share Posted May 23, 2003 Well, I used to be a jerk around women in a similar way so I think I have some advice to give you. First of all, don't mix your insecurities about Tim and his ex with Tim's just plain immature behaviour as a showoff. he's acting like a jerk when other men are around because he's immature. He lacks the confidence in himself to just be himself when other men are around because he fears they'll think he's a weakling and a pussy, so he overcompensates and shows them how he's so hard he treats his woman badly, he's so bad he's not pussy-whipped, he doesn't need to be nice etc. Mind you, all of this behaviour is as I've said just poor self-confidence and immaturity. The fact is that other men are envious of men who have mature loving equal relationaships with their wives. And the hardass is really not very happy having to be a hardass like that because insecurity is a very unconfortable feeling. So, what should you do. One you can wait till he grows up and gains self confidence. That might start happenning when he's around 45-50 if it does at all. Or, you can get some books on relationships and try to learn how to talk to your hubby in a way that helps you both grow. That's a hit or miss approach. He might not like getting instructed by you. The best bet I think and the fastest route to have him discover that he's needs to change his attitude is marriage therapy. Perhaps that sounds drastic but what you have described is probably just the tip of the iceberg of problems affecting your marriage so a few months with a good counsellor can cause remarkable changes to occur. I wish you luck By the way I'm probably still a jerk in many ways but I'm still trying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author km82794 Posted May 23, 2003 Author Share Posted May 23, 2003 Clancy you have helped me in more ways than you can imagine. Thank you for putting some light on this for me. I tried to talk about this last night and just got more hateful, tough guy, I don't give a rats azz attitude. I've just come to realize I'm in love with someone who has a 10 yr. olds attitude. But I am happy to know that I'm not just imagining it. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Madeline Posted May 23, 2003 Share Posted May 23, 2003 KM-- I dated guys like this in high school and college and it was extremely demoralizing to my already shakey self-esteem. I thought a: all guys were like this and b: all guys had commitment problems or problems with women and c: I deserved it because somehow it was OK to humiliate me or treat me badly. Badly was: --humiliation and open sarcasm and derogatory comments in front of me --withholding of affection and tenderness and any kind feelings he may have felt---sex was the ONLY connection --some of them began to hit me--and I promptly left--dad did too much of that to mom and me... --openly flirting with other women--and displaying a sense of not even being in a relationship --placing 'boys time' together was always top priority--as was work, futzing around with hobbies, video games, etc. As I said, the 'connection' time was sex-only BUT YOU KNOW WHAT--it is not true. It does not have to be that way. I don't know what changed, but just rejecting and leaving those situations. I have since found men that are extremely respectful, kind, loving, affectionate and open. They actually share their thoughts and feelings and we have more of a partnership. These guys have it together financially and professionally way more than their rough and tough counterparts. So--that means in every way--emotionally, sexually, financially, professionally, and family-wise--they take WAY more responsibility for their behavior and consequences. They actually LOVE women, and are not afraid to put their priorities to enable them to spend companion time with them, and they actually display AFFECTION and RESPECT publicly. It is a joy to be with them. How do you get from where you are now to having something like that? YOU CHANGE YOUR IDEA of what's possible and what you deserve. It may take a long time, and you may have to 'interview' a lot of people to find the right one--BUT DON'T SETTLE, and DON'T EVER SELL YOURSELF SHORT. You deserve the BEST. Allow yourself to have it. Don't waste time with people who don't challenge you to become your best. Your life depends on it. Link to post Share on other sites
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