PerfectLee Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 My girlfriend and I have been so happy over the past 3 years. She decided in April of this year to take a long awaited promotion and surprisingly proposed to me in September 07. I found out afterwards that she left her HAPPY job for a promotion to another store so she could afford my ring & to further her career. Starting in October, she started treating me differently, not listening to me, snapping at me, being rude for no reason, shooing me away etc... Finally, after a huge fight, it all came out. She's been holding grudges against me for petty little things, all things which happened years ago, 6 months ago, etc... Things I can't even remember the circumstances or things I said or did. I never cheated on her or did anything outright mean or obnoxious. We're all human, I'm sure I've made mistakes, maybe in the things I've said or ways I said them. Maybe I hurt a soft spot on her and didn't realize it, I don't know. In the end, I love her more than life, I would do anything for her. I'm 30 and she's 25. I'm not a guy, by the way, I'm gay. We're both very clear about what we want in life, we came from some horrible relationships in our pasts (moreso me) and it taught us both what we DIDN'T want. When we fell in love it was so magical, unbelieveable, time stopped, and now we're best friends. We revisit moments, times, places etc to keep it alive. We're so romantic to each other, it's sickening to others. Bottom line: She's under tons of stress (who isn't?) w/work & family & I've been nothing but supportive, her best friend, a listener, I try to always be in a good mood so I can take her out of her low times, but it doesn't seem like enough if I'm in competition with my past mistakes. She's not an angel either, believe me, but I have been able to forgive and move on without throwing them in her face. Some things she's complained about is that I'm too emotional (she's very non-emotional), also that I'm a "talker" (I'm always aware of how I feel & know how to express them in a tactful way) She's very quiet and keeps feelings inside. So...I've told her, yes, that she shouldn't hold things from me and then lash out later, it's not fair to our relationship. How can I mend her? How can I fix things when I don't know what to fix? How can I encourage her to get through it (get over it, moreso) so we can move on? Time heals all wounds....or....Time helps resentment fester? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 Is she willing to go to couples counselling with you? Seems you two need to learn to communicate better, and really listen to eachother, counselling can help alot. You are right, it isn't fair of her to hold stuff in and then later explode, as that only does damage.. I hope you two can work through this and come out a stronger and happier couple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PerfectLee Posted November 15, 2007 Author Share Posted November 15, 2007 We've talked about it on a few occasions. She's mentioned to me that she might be bipolar, she has a lot of anger issues, and I have to give her credit surrounding a few issues that she's been better about. I know she's all for working it out. This may be a dumb question, but is it better for her to go to counseling alone first? I feel that maybe she might hold back with the therapist if I'm present. I would want her to be completely honest. I was in therapy for 5 years from age 21-26, I'm 30 now. It was so helpful and eye opening, I went in originally because I had horrible nightmares. I dealt with depression and mood swings. I came out a new woman, more confident etc... If I had to go to therapy again for my relationship, I'm definately willing. Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 I first want to say I was really touched by your post. I can really tell you care about her a great deal and I see how you would be a great friend to her let alone a lover. I wonder how much of this has to do with her family not accepting the relationship. I have been in interracial relationships all my life and I know first hand how much family can strain a relationship. Could she be unsure of her own sexuality? Can the strain of what others think be causing this. If it is I don't think there is much you can do that you have not already.. I mean I gather you are very supportive and understanding from your post. You know, we all say things to each other during spats or argument and not knowing the gist of yours I am at no liberty of saying her resentments and such are valid, but I would bet it is something more... Is this her first relationship with a woman? If so she may be unsure of exactly what it is she wants. If this be the case you seem like you could understand... I hope others chime in... I'm not real good at these relationship things.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 The counselling she needs alone is different because of the bipolar - which brings on a whole lot of other problems. I suggest you do some reading up on depression and BP because it IS a rollercoaster ride and it isn't easy to live, let alone deal with someone with that type of mental illness...It is forever, it won't go away...With that being said, hopefully she is willing to go on medication to control her BP and talk to a therapist/PDOC to help her with the issues at hand. The couples therapy is for you both, to make your relationship better. To learn to listen, understand eachother, communicate etc... Anyway, she needs to get diagnosed first if she isn't sure she is BP or just has depressive moments. Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 The counselling she needs alone is different because of the bipolar - which brings on a whole lot of other problems. I suggest you do some reading up on depression and BP because it IS a rollercoaster ride and it isn't easy to live, let alone deal with someone with that type of mental illness...It is forever, it won't go away...With that being said, hopefully she is willing to go on medication to control her BP and talk to a therapist/PDOC to help her with the issues at hand. The couples therapy is for you both, to make your relationship better. To learn to listen, understand eachother, communicate etc... Anyway, she needs to get diagnosed first if she isn't sure she is BP or just has depressive moments. So damn true! This might be where ya'lls problem lies.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 Another thing is, she needs to learn to DE-stress! A fun thing you two could do together is yoga. Either at home together or join a class. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PerfectLee Posted November 15, 2007 Author Share Posted November 15, 2007 I appreciate your post all the same dbtmarley. Not only are we gay, but we're two different nationalities too. Her family loves me and vice versa. I'm not saying this to brag, but we really do "have it made" when it comes to all the variables in a relationship. Our family & friends envy what we have, they wish they could find the love we share. It's crazy how much we're emotionally connected, how much we're physically attracted to each other, it's sickening as I said. But there's also times when being just friends is also appropriate. You can't be lovey-dubey all the time. Both of our families are accepting of our lifestyle. Without explaining too much, I know she resents me for being with a few guys before "coming out of the closet." I came out when I was 17, in high school, I was disowned by my parents temporarily. I was with a few guys before that, and after 17 I was with my 1st gf. She resents that I was with guys period. Well...sorry, back in my high school days, if you "came out" you could possibly lose your life!!! I grew up in a religious family, and God Forbid (literally) that I was gay! I was expected to date guys. She's been with 1 guy too...(no resentment from me though-she was young & I don't care) and afterwards has been with 2 girls. 1 was longterm & ended pretty badly. Otherwise, I'm positive that she's positive about her sexuality. The bipolar thing, I can say for sure that she exaggerates things. She goes from being sad to angry in T-minus 5 seconds. I had to learn how to deal, how to accept and be supportive regardless how ridiculous I thought it was. So the arguments or spats we've had, I could have said, "You're being unreasonable!" and she hears "You're such an as*hole ,I hate you, I don't want to be with you." Which is far from any truth. I'm finding myself becoming resentful.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 Okay, each of you have a past and what counts is the NOW. The past is what helped you BE who you are today. Just a little different perspective for her to think about if you wanna mention that to her... You know her, so when you see her mood change, you have to just take a break, a step back...Don't engage her in arguments as you will lose everytime due to her frame of mind and not really 'hearing' what you are saying. One thing that depression and BP does, is makes the person who has seem very self absorbed and become very negative. So, when you see that mood coming your way, just give her some space, not only for her sake, but for yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PerfectLee Posted November 15, 2007 Author Share Posted November 15, 2007 I appreciate your honesty so much whichwayisup. You're right, the past is the past and we don't have any right to judge each other. The whole "giving her space" thing, I have a dilema with that. When I get upset, I'm one of those people who need to go for a walk to clear my head so I'm not stuck in the house with the possibility of saying something stupid. When the negative & self absorbed attitude starts to stare me in the face I want so much to give her space and I tend to say "I need to think about what you said, I'm going to go for a walk right now, I'll be right back." Ohhhh, if earth could freeze over, it would be right then and there. She hears "I'm leaving you, I can't stand you, I need to get away from you." What she has said to me is "If you walk out that door, then that's your way of leaving me. You can't leave." So sometimes I stay, and listen, she screams. It's not a very healthy argument at all. We get nothing accomplished. I liked your yoga suggestion. We actually work out together 3 times a week, jogging and walking. We motivate each other in the health department. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PerfectLee Posted November 25, 2007 Author Share Posted November 25, 2007 Does anyone here have suggestions on how to deal with someone who is bipolar? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 Maybe you need to just cut your losses and find somebody better. You will soend your life trying to please her and tearing your hair out and you should ask yourself if it is worth it. About you being with a few guys before you came out of the closet she needs to get over that because most gay people have tried to have heterosexual relationships before you realizing they were gay. It's not like you are tainted or anything like that.She needs to get treatment for her bipolar and deal with it or else it will be a long bumpy ride for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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