Need Your on inlaw issue...

[mistyeyes]

I have been crying my eyes out for over a month on this one and I need some fresh perspective and help, please.

 

My inlaws are not honest people, they lie. My husband is horrible at communication and dislikes his parents. They have issues. About a month ago my husband got angry at them and made a scene in our home while they visited. Trying to be nice, I attempted to calm down the room only to have his angry dad get right up to my nose in a pose as to hit me, telling me to STFU. His mom was shocked also that the incident happened but said nothing. I immediately told him to back up and refrain from threats in my home, that it's my house and I will say and do as I please.

 

They left more upset at me than the fight with my husband. Now they won't talk to me but my husband has been going to their home updating on things happening in our home (my son had a surgery 2 weeks ago) and they were appalled that I didn't inform them immediately that he had a procedure done. Again I am at fault.

 

The issue is my hubby knows I am not happy with their actions and I was offended what happened in our home. Until they acted like adults and addressed the issue so we can put it behind us I didn't want to contact them. My husband was fine with this including not having holidays because of it causing me stress.

 

As I said now he's all for his parents and I should get over it and move on, however they continue to trash talk me to him and he repeats it to me. Am I wrong for wanting my husband to stand up for US and our relationship, asking for respect and peace? He thinks I shouldn't be mad he invited them to our home for Thanksgiving with out asking me, breaking our agreement and they might not even come...stating "well we have plans and we might make it, I doubt it".

 

I need some words of wisdom, help, encouragement anything...I want to leave my husband for this. Every time they're right and I am the devil. I don't know how much more I can take and the idea of them in my home talking crap behind my back and trashing our life...makes me physically ill...not to mention my husband doesn't listen or seem to care how stressed it makes me.

 

Men, I would love to hear your input too. I don't get where I am going wrong or what I should be doing. Thank you all in advance for your help.

[Geishawhelk]

Yech! terrible situation.

 

Your husband has split loyalties, and it must be eating him up like mad.

You ned to be completely open with him, tell him exactly how you feel, and that even though you completely understand how difficult this must be for him, trying to be a precarious bridge between the two camps, things have goten so bad in your etes, that you can't take any more, and you're asking him to back you up and choose where his loyaltie lie.

 

This is going to be a difficult one fo him to digest, and it's dreadful to be put in a position of having to choose.

On the one hand, he met, fell in love with, married and had children wih you.

That would indicate a freedom to choose for himself, where he sought his happiness and fulfilment.

I can't know at this stage, how his parents felt about that from the word 'go'...

 

On the other hand, despite his parents 'bad character', he obviously has a feeling towards them. I also can't say whether this is just due o social conditioning, whethwer your husband is eligiously bound to honour his mother and father, or whether he simply feels bullied and intimidated by them.

 

But choose, he must.

And he must stick to that, come what may. Period.

 

You, on the other hand, must give him time - a definite time, with a deadline - to think about what you have asked of him.

But come that deadline, you will ask him for his decision.

And whatever the choice, you must accept it an act accordingly, but in your best interests.

 

And if come that day, he says he hasn't decided yet, or says he can't choose - then he's made his choice.

 

He wants to try to maintain the status quo and have you both, because the choice is just too big to make, or he hasn't got what it takes to pull it off.

And that's not a criticism, it's fact.

 

And where you go from there - is up to you.

[Angelina Nisse]

Of course, your husband shouldn't have invited them to your home for Thanksgiving. Your father-in-law has yet to apologize for threatening you.

Make it crystal clear that they are NOT invited to your home for the holiday, unless and until, there is an apology.

 

And it wouldn't want them there, even then!

 

Your husband needs to grow a spine. He is not being a true husband to you. YOU COME FIRST, at least, you're supposed to.

 

If he doesn't like them anyway, then he shouldn't be afraid to stand up for you and insist that they treat you with respect.

 

I submit he is afraid to do so, because he knows they will not. In any event, he should be a husband to you and demand respect. And he certainly should NOT have invited them without your agreement! That's disgusting.

[White Flower]

I have been crying my eyes out for over a month on this one and I need some fresh perspective and help, please.

 

Thank you all in advance for your help.

 

Hi MistyEyes,

 

I know how frustrating all this can be. I had it coming from both sides and after 25 years finally said enough is enough. I began purging all the cancerous people from my life because life is precious and way too short to endure this bulls***.

 

My husband was a coward where his overwhelming family was concerned and I finally found a way to stand up to it all. I said, "Who suffers if we cut ties with them, them or us?" It made sense. He chose us. For a while. Because he is weak.

 

His family got better over time with the exception of one of his siblings who I refuse to see. I don't go to his house and he doesn't come to mine. Family get-togethers are sooooo much more peaceful now. Noone brings it up to me nor blames me.

 

I also had a family member on the other side of the family who ruined each and every holiday. After losing my parents, grandparents, and a brother I decided life was too freaking short and holidays too few to have to endure another sh****y one. So I cut that tie too. It hurts, I miss her, but my kids won't have to see her terribly angry and rude example of an adult at these few and precious gatherings.

 

It urks me that my husband still talks to his brother after what he pulled. But he thinks he can help him. I can honor that even though I don't believe it will ever happen.

 

Your husband needs to decide who is more important and where his loyalities lie. At the very least, he needs to demand his father apologize to you. His job is to honor and protect you. Remind him of that.

 

Good luck, hun.

[huh]

If your husband grew up in that environment, he probably doesn't realize how utterly unacceptable threatening someone is. It was probably normal in his household growing up and even if he doesn't do it himself, he's still overly accepting of it. Can you see a 3rd party, maybe a counselor or a mediator? Good for you fro standing up for yourself. Your FIL has no business being back in your house until he can learn not to threaten people. For your sake and your son's. And your husband needs to understand that.