Transparency versus Privacy

[trying2heal]

Hi

 

My boyfriend of two years has cheated on me multiple times ... and yes, I am still with him. I do love this man ... and I am trying to work it out with him and rebuild the trust in some way. I believe ... at this point ... he is doing the same.

 

I have been told by several therapists, friends, etc. ... that one of the keys for rebuilding trust with him is to require total transparency on his part. Passwords to his email accounts, cell phone records, credit card statements, etc. I absolutely hate doing this, but I do see the value in it ... as far as providing me with some security and a feeling of being 'safe' with him.

 

This man also has issues ... major issues ... with boundaries. He has snooped into my computer several times ... opened my private mail ... looked in my dayplanner ... read private emails to girlfriends or siblings without my permission ... all of it ... without ever finding anything ... not one thing ... that says I too 'cheated'. I HAVE NOT ... but he seems to want to find something ... anything ... that proves I am also not trustworthy. That fact ... make me sick ... but also the idea that my information ... my personal thoughts and correspondence ... has been 'raped' in a way by him also makes me feel vulnerable and 'exposed'.

 

Now ... my question for the group is this. I have asked for total transparency from him .... and he, in turn, asked the same of me. I have strong beliefs that every person has a right to privacy until they abuse it ... and he abused his right to privacy by cheating on me. He stands firm that I am setting a 'double standard' ... and my request for access to his information allows him to request the 'same' of me. I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE OF SIGNIFICANCE THAT DEALS WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP ... but I have correspondence to and from my sisters about THEIR issues, a journal I keep on-line, poetry I've written that I do not wish to share with him *or anyone* at this point, etc. Am I being unreasonable in refusing him total access to my accounts, personal writings, etc.? He feels VERY strongly that I am .... and has received some advice/counsel in forums that I 'must have something to hide' if I refuse him this request. I have tried to explain to him my feelings about personal privacy versus 'secrets' to no avail.

 

Any advice one way or the other as to how to proceed ... discuss this .... etc. with him?

 

This is a REAL stumbling block for us right now ... and something I am struggling with like mad!!!

 

Thanks!

[LakesideDream]

Hmmmm... not expert on the subject. During my 25 year marriage I allowed my now ex wife total privacy, never checked a phone record, never followed her, in the last years never snooped an email (we were divorced before txt message and cel phones that had a memory). but I know I never would have checked those either. I never even had the urge.

 

Of course I never knew a thing about her multiple short term affairs with various co-workers, or her 23 year on and off affair with her High School Boyfriend. I always thought she was a pretty great gal.

 

Do I check on current GF's, no it's not worth my time. l have learned not to make large investments in time, effort, or emotion with "girlfriends". If I was married, I just might start snooping if I had a reason to become suspicious.... or I might just walk away. There is no perminance in todays relationships.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I think he's accusing you of cheating because that's probably one of the ways in which he justifies his behavior.

 

You have proof that he has cheated. He just has his insecure suspicions.

 

My take on this is, you have the right to privacy in a relationship until you break that trust. He has broken your trust.

 

I would say he has to be transparent to you, but put my foot down on being transparent with him. If he knows he can "control" you by forcing you to giving up your privacy when he has no proof, then you will be teaching him that he can walk all over you. I would demand transparency from him, and if he won't give it to you, you'll walk.

 

The only that has me worried if that cheaters are clever. If he's a serial cheater, it wouldn't surprise me if he has an e-mail account you don't know of, so he can still carry out his infidelity all the while seeming transparent.

 

My feeling, though, is he'll refuse to open up his passwords and the like to you without you doing the same, so if you do give him an ultimatum, you have to be willing to follow through. I think if you give in to him on this issue, though, he'll know he can control you and will therefore not have as much motivation to stop cheating.