I just gotta talk this out.....we moved in after one month.

[nycndatriad]

I am a single woman in my 30's w/ one kid, he's 4. I broke up w/ his Dad 2 yrs ago. I have dated sporadically in the past 2 yrs. I met this guy in the End of Sep. 2007. He was living w/ his Mom and he moved in w/ her from out of town.. he said that he was seeking better job opportunities. 2 1/2 wks we went out saw he other daily and after a couple years of celibacy we slept together. :bunny:I am really into this guy. He is really smart, he is a broad thinker, he is very ambitious, he is a college graduate, ex-marine and he had a tough time growing up but made it through despite that.

 

He asked me could we live together and I initally said no because of my past experience with my son's Dad and I felt that it was too soon. :confused:I had already done a backgound check on him to find out if he had anything in his past that was undesirable enough for me not to want to be around him...call me careful or call it trust issues but he checked out okay and so far my investigation finds that he has been truthful about himself. Anyway we were having fun and spending lots of time together. I gave him the key to my place after a month. He helps out the groceries and tasks around the house. He is really patient with my son and appears to be a good guy. He is job hunting and he has been working temp jobs to generate income until he is able to find a permanent job. My Mom is pissed :mad:that I allowed him to move in and feels that I am making a mistake. I have REALLY enjoyed the time that I have spent with him. I am still trying to keeping my eyes wide open but enjoying myself. We have plans to start a business together and we have similiar goals in life. I think that my Mom's anger about us living together is what makes me concerned and he has been in several live in realtionships in the past actually 3 in past 7 years.

[sderenzi]

You are of course in a bad situation, it's really understandable me lady after-all you are lonely. The trouble is the new man is not to be trusted, anyone that moves in with you after only 1 month is deceitful. You sound like a good women and such so I shall suggest this (which you will not follow in anyway but that's ok).

 

1. Tell him you've changed your mind and he must go stay with his mother again, this will give him more incentive to get a better job sooner (if his type employment pleases you so badly)

 

2. Tell him a story about your ex-husband and why you broke up, this will give him a chance to learn whether he's got what it takes or is just fooling himself.

 

I also would say that while it may seem adult to worry about what money he is pulling in, that he is "smart, he is a broad thinker, he is very ambitious, he is a college graduate, ex-marine and he had a tough time growing up but made it through despite that." I would also be cautious about thinking this way. No doubt your marriage failed because of this flawed idea you have on what relationships are, graduating college means nothing in terms of how one relates to others, I know this from various examples of people who are as bright as toaster ovens (all graduated college). ex-marine is unimportant as military is meaningless nonsense created by ignorant fools that like to feel important. Having a tough time growing up means nothing because it's probably going to get worse as time passes not better.

 

Those are my thoughts, good luck

[nycndatriad]

Thanks for your response..... so far we are hanging in there and enjoying life. With each passing day I feel more secure in my decision.

[DazedandConfused66]

The trouble is the new man is not to be trusted, anyone that moves in with you after only 1 month is deceitful.

 

Pretty broad generalization there.....on what do you base this opinion?

 

I also would say that while it may seem adult to worry about what money he is pulling in, that he is "smart, he is a broad thinker, he is very ambitious, he is a college graduate, ex-marine and he had a tough time growing up but made it through despite that." I would also be cautious about thinking this way. No doubt your marriage failed because of this flawed idea you have on what relationships are, graduating college means nothing in terms of how one relates to others, I know this from various examples of people who are as bright as toaster ovens (all graduated college). ex-marine is unimportant as military is meaningless nonsense created by ignorant fools that like to feel important. Having a tough time growing up means nothing because it's probably going to get worse as time passes not better.

 

Holy cow! Who pee'd in your corn flakes this morning!?!?!?!

 

She sounds to me like she based her opinion on him as a boyfriend because she LIKES him and ENJOYS spending time with him. The fact that he has a background, which she's checked (wow...not enough women do this I think), that appears to match his own version of his life tells me that he is, indeed, anything BUT deceitful.

 

If she said she liked him and enjoyed spending time with him and found herself enjoying his company, that's fine. The fact that he's all these other things AS A PERSON is a plus to me. It goes beyond just liking him....it tells me she's looking for reasons to NOT like him, is cautious about things, and yet finds nothing but redeeming value in his character.

 

While I'm not a big advocate of shacking up, I see nothing wrong here at all. He's helping out with bills, he's working, he's got a clean background and she LIKES him. Where's the downside in this relationship? Her mother? Unless you plan on doing everything mommy tells you to do for the rest of your life, smile, thank her for caring, then do what you think is best.

 

My biggest concern out of this whole post isn't her views or the guys views on things. It's how the 4 year old will respond to a live-in boyfriend in the house/apartment. That should be of concern, and my only advice here is to think like a PARENT first, and a GIRLFRIEND second. Once you had a child, you took on obligations to put their needs ahead of your own...not forever, but certainly for now. If there is the possibility of confusing the child and/or creating friction between the child and the bio-dad, then this situation should be reconsidered.

[Vita-Nuova]

he has been in several live in realtionships in the past actually 3 in past 7 years.

 

This would appear to me, to be the issue here. Yes, I'd have concerns if the man I was living with had had so many live in relationships in such a short space of time and then asked me if he could move in very shortly after meeting me.

 

Keep your eyes and ears open for anything that seems a little 'off' about him, don't allow your heart to blind you to any problems and give it time before giving him any more of yourself.

 

Good luck.