Should I ask his niece to back down from being a bridesmaid?

[karenina21]

I got engaged in Feburary 2007. I was so excited to begin planning the wedding that I'd waited over 6 years for. My FH and I decided to have four attendants each so we could include family and friends. I decided to have two good friends and my brother's fiancee for three of my maids. They are excited and have been great so far about getting back to me. However, the fourth maid is FH's 20-year-old niece. She is becoming a problem.

 

First, when I initially asked her to be a bridesmaid, she said she'd have to check and get back to me, because her best friend was getting married, possibly on the same date I had chosen. Weeks went by, I heard nothing. I was getting antsy. So I called back and spoke with her again and even told her I would be willing to change the date by a week or two if it meant she could be in the wedding. She emphatically told me NOT to change the date, that she'd find out and get back to me. I asked her to please get back to me within a month. That came and went, and finally, I had to call her back, talk to her mother and father, and finally she came on the line and told me her friend hadn't gotten back to her, so she'd decided she could be in our wedding. I thanked her graciously, told her I was really excited about getting to know her better and us becoming family.

 

That was April. Fast forward to now--I've been asking the girls to tell me what they think of certain dress styles I've emailed to them, to get an idea of what they like or don't. I sent the niece this email over a month ago. She never replied. FH called his brother and found out she did get the email but "couldn't remember if she replied." I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and sent the email again. Weeks later, I still haven't heard from her and asked her to give me a call. She hasn't.

 

To top it all off, she just won a very prestigious internship which will involve her working in Florida and not having traditional college spring breaks. I planned for the girls to come up to where I am to be fitted for their dresses in March, which is six months before my wedding. Now, I've been getting veiled hints "through the grapevine" (e.g. her mother) that she's "so busy" with school and now with her going to Florida "it's going to be tough for her to get a weekend off."

 

If she doesn't want to be in the wedding, why doesn't she just tell me? I am willing to pay for her flight up here in March; her internship rules state that as long as she tells her leader she needs a weekend off, she will be granted it. She can pick out her dress then fly back to Florida. The dress can be shipped down to her and altered there or when she arrives in town for the wedding, the shop here does last minute dress alterations. Either that, or she can trust the other girls to pick the dress, she can give me her size and the money, and I'll order her dress and accessories--but she won't have a chance to see it and I won't have a chance to see it on her before the big day.

 

Should I call her and ask point blank if she feels she can be in the wedding or would be more comfortable being a guest? I understand either way, but just won't tolerate her rudeness any longer.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[Aloros]

At this point, I would just ask her point-blank. She's 20-years old, and it's possible she's just very scatterbrained and a little irresponsible.

 

I'd tell her that you're willing to do a lot of work to make things work out, but you need some effort from her end as well, because this clearly isn't working.

 

Try not to stress too much! I'm sure, either way, your wedding will be wonderful!

[karenina21]

At this point, I would just ask her point-blank. She's 20-years old, and it's possible she's just very scatterbrained and a little irresponsible.

 

I'd tell her that you're willing to do a lot of work to make things work out, but you need some effort from her end as well, because this clearly isn't working.

 

Try not to stress too much! I'm sure, either way, your wedding will be wonderful!

 

I don't know about the scatterbrained/irreponsible part. She's very intelligent--has a full scholarship to the college she attends--and she's very focused on her schoolwork. However, she lives 350 miles away from me, so it's impossible for me to know what she's like on a daily basis. I do know she is shy, but come on, this is beyond shyness.

 

I'll call this weekend and try to talk to her. Maybe she feels overwhelmed with things and feels she won't be able to do this, and she might fear that we'll be angry if she can't. I'll see what happens. But if I can't get her on the phone, I might have to speak with FH's brother (who is the best man and her father) and explain the options more frankly.

 

Thanks for the advice!

[Trialbyfire]

I would discuss it with your fiancé, explaining all these issues to him and tell him you're concerned about her commitment to being part of the wedding party. I would also suggest to him that you would like to replace her with ABCfriend or XYZrelative. If he agrees, then you're good to go, to gently say to her that you've found someone in town who doesn't have the same full schedule, as she does. Also let her know that there's so much you need to get done that you need someone who can be there, someone you don't need to follow up on.

[karenina21]

I would discuss it with your fiancé, explaining all these issues to him and tell him you're concerned about her commitment to being part of the wedding party. I would also suggest to him that you would like to replace her with ABCfriend or XYZrelative. If he agrees, then you're good to go, to gently say to her that you've found someone in town who doesn't have the same full schedule, as she does. Also let her know that there's so much you need to get done that you need someone who can be there, someone you don't need to follow up on.

 

I have talked to FH, he said I should talk to the niece directly to see what's going on. It's not that I don't want her in the wedding, but I need people I can rely on.

 

If she's unable or unwilling to do the part, I was thinking of possibly asking another friend to step in to her place, this friend is a more casual friend who I met through my MOH but she's been happy for us and has expressed interest in looking at dresses, etc. Two issues here: 1. She is a single mother and I'm not sure she could afford to be in the wedding, especially since she's a BM in another wedding next summer; and 2. I already told my friends who was in the wedding. So how do I not make her feel like a replacement or add-on?

 

To be honest, I wish I had asked her from the beginning, I didn't because of issue number 1 listed above, but again she's been so excited about the wedding and she's going with the rest of the girls who are in the wedding, to look at dresses. Could I possibly ask her without mentioning the niece, just say we've been making a few changes to the wedding party? It's still early yet in the planning.

 

Thanks.

[Trialbyfire]

That's a good call about discussing the situation directly with the niece. I would do it NOW.

 

As for asking a replacee, just tell her the truth, that you wanted to ask her since Day 1 but family politics prevented it.

 

If she's a single mother, you may find yourself with extra costs, since she might not be able to afford it. You'll have to make the decision whether you're willing to anty up, previous to asking her. It's a matter of how badly you want her to be part of your wedding party.

 

I do feel for you. This is the last thing you need, while trying to put together a big wedding.

 

Good luck.

[clynn]

So how do I not make her feel like a replacement or add-on?Thanks.

 

I was once invited to join a wedding party as a "replacement".

 

I was aware that the other girl got booted out (their friendship was failing).

 

The dress had even been ordered!

 

I fit the dress, and I was friends with the bride anyhow. My feelings were in no way hurt, nor did I think anything of being the "replacement" bridesmaid. Things happen! I was happy to be able to step in and stand up for my friend. (It was a long time ago, but if I remember correctly, I do think that she paid for the dress, given the situation).

 

In fact, what it did do, was strengthen our friendship and our friendship developed more from that.

 

I actually think that the process of getting marries sometimes does interesting things to relationships and the right people come into your life at the right time.

[clynn]

But......do tread gently with the niece. She is family and will be around forever.

 

For me cousin's wedding, I lived out of town so couldn't be there for the dress picking-out process, so the other girls chose the dress.

 

During that time, I was going through a selfish period. I even complained that the dress they picked cost too much.

 

But she's my cousin, we're still close and I'm less into myself now!

[writeon]

I think that first you should try to work things out with the neice, as others have suggested, have a very honest and heart-felt conversation with her (perhaps involving your husband too). If you feel that she is serious about being a bridesmaid, good, and if not, let her know that for the sake of a smooth-flowing wedding you are going to have to ask someone else.

 

I agree with clynn that the other person you ask will be honored and not offended. Your wedding is about you and your husband, so don't worry too much -- your attendants care about the two of you and want your day to be special, so hopefully they won't be thinking about themselves too much.