How long does it take??

[Aloros]

I've been dating my bf for a year and four months, knew him for a year before that. I love him so much, and he treats me like a queen, but this is driving me nuts!

 

He's had the ring in his possession for 3.5 months. I wonder what is holding him back. He says he is trying to think of a way to propose to me, that he wants to make it special, and that he DOES want to marry me. He's always kept his word to me, so I've been patient and laid back, however, we moved in together a week ago and his son is coming to live with us for good starting tomorrow.

 

I really wanted to be at least engaged before we took custody of his son. And now that it's clear to me that it's not happening before then (believe me, it's not happening tonight!), I've become increasingly frustrated. I adore his son, and I really want to be involved - parent-teacher conferences, volunteering at his school, the whole nine yards. He's a great kid and we get along really well. But I feel more and more awkward as the girlfriend as opposed to the wife or even the fiancee. I call places to find out information, and I just avoid mentioning our relationship altogether, or just let people assume that I am his mother. The alternative - explaining that I am (as my bf puts it) his "non-legal guardian" makes me feel sort of depressed.

 

His friends call me "future Mrs. ____" or call him my soon-to-be-husband, and he doesn't blink an eye. Sometimes when he thinks I'm not listening, I can hear him practicing proposing to me. It's very cute and all, and it makes me melt, but when is he going to get around to the real thing?

 

I've made my feelings known, and honestly, he doesn't really seem to get it. He insists that he's going to propose to me, and that he's going to do it before I end up proposing to him, but I'm starting to reach the end of my rope! I really want that moment where he asks me to marry him, and I think he wants that too. But seriously, how long does he need to hold on to that ring for? I'm not very picky; I don't want a big production for a proposal. All I want is him down on one knee and those four words. I TOLD him I don't need anything elaborate. How many months does it take to do this?

 

We're looking at buying a house in the next several months, and I'm afraid I'm really going to have to put my foot down in regards to that, but haven't yet thought of how to phrase it and when I should bring it up. He's told me we'll be engaged before we purchase a house together, but then he talks about maybe putting an offer on such-and-such house and I'm just sitting there tapping my foot. I really didn't want to be stuck in this sort of situation - unmarried and caring for someone else's child - but I honestly thought he would get to it by now.

 

I'm just about 99.9% sure that he has NOTHING planned in this regard. He's very good at fooling me/surprising me, but not THIS good.

 

Thanks in advance. Most of the time I'm mellow about it, but now, the night before his son moves in, I am REALLY frustrated.

[Lauriebell82]

Maybe the pressure you are putting on him is making him crazy, and he can't relax. Guys dont' take pressure well. He's probably wants everything to be perfect, and a little bit of the surprise is gone just because you know he is going to propose. And knowing that, your bf may feel added pressure to make it really good.

 

My advice is to just drop it. Keeping the pressure on probably isn't going to make him ask you any faster, actually it's probably pushing him away. Just relax and go about things as normally as you can. He probably wants to propose when you are least expecting it, and it sounds like you are making it difficult for him to do that. Stop talking about it and let him totally shock you!

[Trialbyfire]

I really wanted to be at least engaged before we took custody of his son.

I've made my feelings known

How clear were you? Did you state the first quote to him?

 

I have to be honest. I would never take care of someone else's son without something more binding in place. It's too difficult for both you and the child, if something were to happen to the relationship.

 

While I don't believe in dragging someone to the altar, he needs to man up or go find himself another built in lover/child care person.

[norajane]

I agree with Lauriebelle - I think he wants to surprise you, and he can't when you're tapping your foot. Just drop it and give it some time.

 

HOWEVER, do not buy the house together until after he proposes. Let him talk about putting an offer down all he wants, go look at houses with him, and if you like one let him know. But when he gets serious about putting money down, you have to tell him you won't take that step unless you are engaged and have definite plans to marry as it is a significant financial and legal commitment that you aren't comfortable making unless you are getting married.

[Aloros]

That's the thing. I'm venting on here because I don't want to end up venting to him because I don't want him to feel any pressure!

 

I told him a week ago that I really wanted to be engaged before his son came to live with us...but it was more in the past tense since I knew he wouldn't be able to figure something out in a week's time.

 

Maybe I've been too laid back? I don't know. I guess I have no choice but to wait.

[Aloros]

Clarification: I HAVEN'T been talking about it except to tell him about a week ago that I'd wanted to be engaged before his son moved in. He himself has brought it up before that, and I try not to focus on it.

 

Though I'll admit it's tough not to tap my foot when he says stuff about us being a family.

[norajane]

Clarification: I HAVEN'T been talking about it except to tell him about a week ago that I'd wanted to be engaged before his son moved in. He himself has brought it up before that, and I try not to focus on it.

 

Though I'll admit it's tough not to tap my foot when he says stuff about us being a family.

 

You haven't been talking about it? Do you think he understands how awkward you feel about being his son's "non-legal guardian" and what kind of position it puts you in? Have you discussed what kind of title you would take to the house if you aren't married when you buy it?

[Aloros]

When I explained that I had wanted to be engaged before his son moved in, I explained how awkward it was for me. In the eyes of the law and in the eyes of other people, as his girlfriend, I'm basically a non-entity. I went to a parent-teacher conference with him and was essentially ignored. It's painful, especially since I am now raising this child as if he were my own. My bf THANKS me for all my help constantly, and says how he couldn't do it without me, and some other very sweet things.

 

It's been close to four months now, and though I keep very busy, I'll admit there's a part of my mind just ticking off the days. I feel like I've made things easy for him - I've convinced him to use a ring I inherited as our engagement ring (he was about to start ring shopping, and I found out), and I try to plan romantic evenings as often as possible. He's even said "hey, that would have been a good night to propose to you, wouldn't it?"

 

For the house, we would pay the mortgage 50/50 and we would both be on the title as joint tenants with right of survivorship. He's said before that we'll be engaged by the time we purchase a house.

 

We've decided to wait out some of this housing price drop and see what we can get come January. So I guess I'll just keep my mouth shut until then. He keeps saying he doesn't know what to get me for Xmas, and I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "Just give me that #$*@ ring back!"

 

Here's hoping I can find some humor in the situation one or two months from now. For now, I guess, I don't have a choice except to wait.

[Trialbyfire]

For the house, we would pay the mortgage 50/50 and we would both be on the title as joint tenants with right of survivorship. He's said before that we'll be engaged by the time we purchase a house.

 

Titles on houses can be amended, later on. I would avoid JTWROS unless you're married. There's always joint tenants in common which ensures that your portion defaults to your estate, which is driven by your will.

[allina]

I think you need to RELAX. You sound angry and you have no reason to be. It sounds like this guy has a lot on his plate (son moving in and everything) you should try to be a little more understanding and selfless.

[JA2]

I agree with allina, you need relax. He may have something planned and is trying to throw you off. I would stop trying to plan these romantic nights and let him doing the planning. This is his moment to do something really nice. I mean you already told him what ring to get, so there is no surprising you there, so let him at least get to plan and surprise you with the proposal. Did you ever think that when he keeps saying "I don't know what to get you for Christmas is his way of throwing you off, maybe he is planning to propose for the holidays. Just be patient. Believe me, it'll be worth it. My fiance totally surprised me and it was so unbelievable. You'll see. :-)

[Aloros]

Commencing relaxing...

[rinibell-2003]

I really feel for you but you need tell him if this relationship isn't moving then one of you have to go.

[allina]

I really feel for you but you need tell him if this relationship isn't moving then one of you have to go.

 

He bought an engagement ring after only a year of dating! How is that not moving?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

He bought an engagement ring after only a year of dating! How is that not moving?

That's not just moving, that's rushing!

 

Why are you so desperate to get engaged right away, OP? What happened to "true love waits"?

[Aloros]

The engagement ring is mine. I inherited it from my grandmother; I did not want him to have to purchase a ring, so I gave it to his keeping.

 

I really don't see how this is rushing. We've been dating for close to a year and five months now, and we knew each other a year before that. We are both grown, independent adults. I am living with him and his son with all the responsibilities, but without the rights and privileges afforded to me as a wife and stepmom.

 

And true love waits? Frankly, I don't believe in "true" love. Plus, we were shooting for a late August/early September wedding. True love may sit and wait, but time is ticking by. And "rushed" is exactly how I don't want to feel.

 

I'm much calmer now, thank you. It helped to vent a little.

 

I'm guessing it'll happen before the New Year. Hoping, a little bit, too.

[allina]

The engagement ring is mine. I inherited it from my grandmother; I did not want him to have to purchase a ring, so I gave it to his keeping.

 

Okay, lets take a step back here. You handed him an engagement ring after a year of dating and said "here this is for when you propose"? Sorry if I forgot about some info on the first page but before you did this did he express a strong desire to marry you soon?

 

You can't just give a man a ring and tell him to propose to you

[Trialbyfire]

You can't just give a man a ring and tell him to propose to you

I agree.

 

Why not take back your grandmother's ring and wear it on your other hand, same finger?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Wow! No wonder he feels pressured!

[Aloros]

He was already ring-shopping at this point, people. I am not the type of person to pressure someone else in to marriage. He brought up marriage, I found out he was ring-shopping, so I suggested he use the ring I inherited instead of buying a brand new one. It took a little bit of convincing (he mentioned wanting to get me something that came from HIM), but it's a money-saving move, and we're both practical by nature.

 

Clearly I cannot explain everything, and clearly, most of the things I say will be misinterpreted to mean that I am pressuring him.

 

Let me TRY to make this clear - I have not applied pressure to GET HIM to marry me. The very idea disgusts and repulses me. Although I enjoy my life with this man, I am perfectly fine on my own, and have lived that way with a good deal of happiness before. So why the hell would I bother?

 

But at this point, he has said over and over again how much he wants to marry me, I hear him practicing proposing, we've discussed at his prompting (at first I told him I wanted to wait until after we were engaged to talk about it, but later relented) our wedding date, and we are living together with his son, whom I am helping him to raise - financially, emotionally, and mentally. The talked-about wedding date is not very far away, and though he doesn't want to wait a year or more to get married, it would help to have a little more time to plan!

 

I vent on here and not to him, because he's made a promise to me to marry me, and I trust him to keep his word. But please, ladies, doesn't there come a point where it is acceptable to be thinking, "Well, get on with it then?" I'm not the meek and mild type - to sit quietly, twiddling my thumbs. I just don't manage it well. A vent, once in a while, helps me to manage this waiting.

 

I'm sorry I vented in the first place - it showed a loss of temper and a lack of maturity on my part. And plainly, due to this, the facts have become confused. Next time I'll write that letter, and refrain from publicizing it in any way.

 

I'll admit it was quite cathartic, though!

[JamesM]

I am curious as to how special or surprising can it be at this point?

 

He has said he wants to marry you. You have indicated that you will say yes. All that is needed is the formal proposal. Where is the surprise?

 

This may simply be a case of cold feet. Or it may be that he wants it to be when HE is ready. Personally, having been pressured before, I can say that you DO want it to be his decision. Then when things get rough in marriage, he will know in his heart that he mad the decision to get married...not simply because he felt pressured.