Question for the girls.

[stewh]

Just out of curiosity really girls I was wondering how many of you have been in long term relationships (2 years +) and broken up with your partners, moved on to someone new in a relatively short space of time thinking the grass is greener and that they have more to offer you and then ended up regreting your intitial breakup and missing your ex or wanted to get back with them and have a second chance?

 

Some sub questions to this main one are?

 

Was your ex your first love?

 

How long were you together for?

 

Did you split up on bad terms?

 

How long did it take after the split before you started seeing the new guy?

 

In your new relationship did you keep thinking about what ifs with your ex?

 

Did you stay friends with the ex?

 

If you did end up feeling like I asked above how long did it take before it hit you and you realised you wanted to be with the ex?

 

What was it that attracted you back to your ex over the new guy?

 

Any additional comments to your stories will be welcome.

 

Cheers

[stewh]

This isn't really a good responce is it

[flower]

Sorry Stewh, ha ha, I had experienced long term relationships, broken and gotten into another in short space of time but never regretted my decision!

[NEONINK]

In short, Ex's don't make the best of friends, whether gay or straight.

 

Your next girlfriend wouldn't appreciate the old g/f. You go on with your life, and so does the ex. Trust me, a year from now, you will look at her and say, "what the heck was i thinking?".

 

I personally feel if you stay in contact often with an ex, unless child custody is involved, and you share your thoughts, dreams, hopes and goals, you step over the line on your current girlfriend. Emotional cheating.

 

Ex's are just that... used to be's.

 

I remain friendly, but not friends with them.

[quankanne]

My first boyfriend was an antique dealer, so whenever I was between jobs I worked for him. As a boss, he was pretty fair and generous, fun even, and I appreciated him giving me work when I needed it, but I'd ask myself why I ever got romantically involved with him because as a lover, he really was a jackass. I do run into him from time to time because his mom and I are friends, but believe me, I'd rather not.

 

As one of the other gals said, exes are exes for a reason, and nothing good ever comes from trying to raise a love affair from the dead! Factor a spouse or SO into the picture, and you have a hard time trying to explain just why you're still "hanging" on to your relationship with your ex. Being civil or polite in that person's company is one thing, but trying to keep that relationship going because you don't want to give it up completely is another.

[stewh]

I am not saying you are wrong quankanne.

 

Especially as I am fairly new to and inexperienced in this area.

 

But if ex's are ex's for a reason and nothing good happens from trying to recover a love affair. Why do so many couples get back together over time?

 

I think it is because the initial reason to split does not become such an issue. And after the split both parties have had chance to think about things or gain experience in other relationships. Then something inside them makes them realise that either they never stopped loving the ex or that really they were the best thing to happen to them. So they give things another go, and I would argue that a couple that was truely in love with each other and splits up. Learns from there mistakes and will be much stronger and possibly even more in love than before.

 

Providing they can forgive and forget the initial break up and anything that happened in between.

 

And Neonink I hear what you are saying about being friends.

 

I can't understand how my ex can say to me that if we don't remain friends it will kill her. I mean, like you say, it isn't fair on the current boyfriend for a start. And in my opinion having an ex around would also to a certain extent prohibit the current relationship from blooming in certain areas.

 

I think that the majority of people are weird and don't know what they want or how to treat people properly. Most of the time they are just selfish.

[NEONINK]

"I can't understand how my ex can say to me that if we don't remain friends it will kill her."

 

Arggg... She wants her cake and eat it too. How selfish.

 

If you don't talk to her for one week (minimum 7 days), but you have to get out of the house, go places, call friends, then I promise ex's start losing power.

[stewh]

Neonink I agree with the cake and eating it.

 

But what do you mean by the line underneath?

 

Cheers

[quankanne]

basically, he's saying to start moving on with your life, even if you have feelings for this girl. Because if you don't, you're going to be stuck in a rut of your own creation and that'll be to your ex's advantage.

 

as for people breaking up and getting together ... well, yes, there are some couples who are meant to be together and a break up doesn't hurt the overall relationship, but many couples who get back together do so because they're afraid to face the unknown and would rather go back to something they're familiar with, even if it's a bad relationship. My guess is that maybe your girlfriend wants to keep ties open with you just in case things dont' work out with the new guy, independent of the fact that she may still like you as a friend.

 

that's my take on it ...

[stewh]

I agree with everything you say quankanne.

 

I am now getting on with my life.

 

I am going out with my friends and enjoying being on my own.

 

Don't get me wrong I am still in love with my ex and I would take her back and forgive her if she decided she wanted me again.

 

But I can only learn from experience and change myself. She has to do her own sorting out and soul searching.

 

I still think that she has got herself into a rebound relationship to quickly and that in a few months or so she will not be as happy as she is acting now. Especially if we cut ourselves off from one another once the house is sold. Which I intend on doing. Believe me.

 

Once we have sold the house I am going to buy new clothes, get my own place and enjoy myself. We live in the same village and will undoubtedly bump into each other often. But she will definately see what she is missing out on

 

Her reason for why we split up is that we simply lost the spark between us. I see no reason why a spark can't be re-ignited in the future. But I won't be holding my breath thats for sure.

 

It's time to party on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[quankanne]

eggghhhh! If "spark" is the only thing that's holding a relationship together, that doesn't sound like much of a relationship!

[flower]

Stewh: Great that you have seen the light at the other end of the tunnel! I am too far from you, what a pity can't join you in the "party". All the best!

[jessicakicksbut]

[color=blue]Was your ex your first love?[/color]

Yes; we were engaged

 

[color=darkblue]How long were you together for?[/color]

6 years, 10 months

 

[color=blue]Did you split up on bad terms?[/color]

Very, he was abusive

 

[color=darkblue]How long did it take after the split before you started seeing the new guy?[/color]

2 months

 

[color=blue]In your new relationship did you keep thinking about what ifs with your ex?[/color]

No, I was thrilled I was not with him anymore; I did however realize over time that even though he was insecure and controlling, he actually had some traits I always wanted in a partner that my "new boyfriend" didn't have.

 

[color=darkblue]Did you stay friends with the ex?[/color]

No

 

[color=blue]What was it that attracted you back to your ex over the new guy?[/color]

 

Here's a little rant on my rebound relationship experience:

 

My new boyfriend was purely a rebound relationship as I look back, and I tried to date someone that was total opposite of my ex. My new boyfriend was a partyier who wasn't ready to settle down any time soon, would ignore me at times, would constantly belittle me about my weight (when I was only 130lbs. at 5' 3', he would say I am getting "fat""), wasn't supportive of me, he had his own business that was his entire "life" and I would help him out (where he would treat me like crap in the process), etc. He was just an all around selfish guy.

 

I started dating him only 2 months after breaking up with my ex-fiance, and started getting serious way too quick. As time wore on, I realized the relationship wasn't getting anywhere, but I held on (I moved closer to him in order to "help" our relationship, which I think living in a strange town made it harder to make the break). Fourteen months later, after doing some soul-searching, I ended it with him since I discovered that it was just fabricated by the fact I didn't want to be "alone". At the time, I was hurt a little bit, but overall was confident because I realized he was a "rebound" relationship for the wrong reasons. I never even shed a tear for this guy I was with 14 months, in my opinion, he wasn't worth it. I was ready for a real relationship, one with love, romance, support and respect for one another, good times as well as bad times, etc. Also, I was ready to settle down with someone based on the right reasons, not over the fact I didn't want to be "alone". So, I knew what I wanted, and I slowly started dating again. I figured, I am not letting any guy treat me like crap anymore, and I know there are decent guys out their, I AM GOING TO FIND ONE!

 

As I look back I wonder why I got into a relationship after breaking up with my ex-fiance, without evaluating my life, and what I wanted in life first. After being so controlled by my ex-fiance for all those years, I didn't have a mind of my own anymore, and I felt I needed a man to help "guide" me. Those 14 months were a waste in my opinion, he spend so much time in the beginning trying to win me, but took me away from my friends and family. After a few months went by, he started backing off...I was really ticked off about this. So, deep down inside I realized I made a mistake getting involved so quick with a guy who was unworthy, but instead of leaving, I settled. I took all the "spare" time I had (because I was living away from family and friends, and my boyfriend was not spending much time with me) and started evaluating my life, keeping a journal, etc. I learned so much about myself, my dreams, my desires, etc.

 

The morale of the story - a rebound relationship can cause a lot of harm, but like me, some have to live and learn. While I do not advocate waiting forever to start dating again, I do believe one should wait after being in a long-term relationship that falls apart. What is the most important thing to wait for, you may ask? First off, healing. Secondly, evaluating you life and deciding what you really want and make a plan to go after it. I had no plan to follow when I got involved with my ex-boyfriend...but I sure had a plan when I broke up with him!!! Ask yourself, what do I want a year from now, two years from now? What is most important in a relationship? What traits do you desire in a future mate? Most of all, listen to your instincts. Chances are, if something doesn't feel right, than it isn't!!!!

 

I must add something though, although I advise not to get into a rebound relationship, you may call me a total hypocrite. I started dating my current fiance only a month after breaking up with this "rebound" guy. He was exactly what I wanted, and the type of guy I always "planned" on finding to settle down with, grow with, love with, enjoy life with, take comfort in, etc. Do I regret my decision, not one bit. I had a chance to evaluate my life, I knew what I wanted, and why should I let some jerk I seen for only 14 months hold me back. You can say he was a "rebound" from a "rebound" - if there is such a thing (and if there was, wouldn't that be a double negative = positive). But, I don't care right now, I have never been happier; found a best friend, lover, and future husband as a result of making this little risk!! Besides, is 14 months (last three months barely talking to one another) really long-term? In my book it isn't, but then again, I did date someone for almost 7 years afterall.