He (dumper) broke NC with me...need a male's perspective!

[SandyRose]

The situation: He dumped me 6 months ago (in the Summer), but told me he still wanted to be friends...i tried but couldn't handle that. We had a great relationship...we were together for 2 years and change. Granted we did have some arguments here and there and that was mainly when he was deployed over communication mostly, but it always got resolved. This break up came out of nowhere. I've come to the conclusion that he is very mentally exhausted and he just wants out. He's been going through a lot these past few months. Naturally i wanted to get closer to him, but he kept pushing me further away.

 

Sooooo, i'll try and keep this as simple as i can without getting too carried away!!......lets forward to October...i wrote him a longgggg e-mail and said i need time and space for myself to heal and move on, because i can't handle just being friends, and it's too hard for me. I also told him that i do miss him and think of him often and i hope he figures his life out too, and i wished him luck with everything, and sent it.

 

He wrote back an equally long e-mail and said that's fine with him, and to take all the time i need, and then contact him, but only if i DO NOT mention the break up, because he is sick and tired of talking about it and trying to justify why he broke up with me. He too, told me that he misses me, thinks of me everyday and night, and sees things everywhere that remind him of me..but that he thinks time and space is a good thing too, and we need it to heal and get our thoughts, etc together.

 

So i wrote back a real quick 2 sentence response to say that i'm fine with it, and i wished him good luck again, and i hope he gets everything straightened out with him soon, and i sent it.

 

Okay so...count 12 days after that...and he broke NC with me on IM. Within those 12 days, there were times we were both on IM at the same time, but we never spoke to one another. But on the 12th day of NC (November 12th) he broke it, and IMed me. He was asking how i was, what's new? Told me he's got a new job and he's moving back home soon (He's in Iraq presently as a contractor). I told him that's good news and i'm happy for him, and he said thanks and that he hopes it goes through after all the required testings etc have passed, and he also said that he needs this job too. I told him he does need it.

 

After that he was typing up an IM to me for the LONGEST time...it was taking forever...and i knew he was typing because it said it on the bottom of the IM window. Anyhow, about 3-4 minutes later he sent me a message. But it was not long at all!!! He basically said he just wanted to see if he COULD say hi to me, and that he was going to bed, and that he hopes all is going well with me and that i'm doing well. And i think he signed off right after that because i tried to send him a message to say bye and it didn't go through.

 

So...he didn't really say bye...it's like he just took off, and he knew i was typing something, but it's like he didn't wait to see what i had to say. The next day (November 13th) at the same time, he was on IM again, when i signed on. We were both online for quite some time, but neither one of us messaged each other the whole time. Eventually i got done doing what i had to do, and i signed off and went to bed. Since that day, i haven't seen him on IM.

 

QUESTIONS: Okay, i'm just curious to know why he broke NC. He didn't ask me if i'm dating anyone..when it came to me, all he asked was "How you doing?" and "What's new?". And that's all. My responses were..."I'm good thanks, yourself?" and "Not much, same old". So i'm just curious as to what his purpose was for breaking NC? Could it be that he finally got a job back stateside and wanted to tell me he is coming home for good? Was he just testing the water to see if the door was still open? Did he stay on IM the next day (November 13th) all night, thinking that i might message him since he broke NC with me the night before?? I think he's due to return to the states in 2 months or so. Could it be the fact that when we both established that there will be NC in the e-mails that we wrote each other....and the fact that i ACTUALLY STUCK TO IT??? I never broke it, even though i was hurting so bad. (FYI: when he broke up with me in the summer, i practically pestered him for answers, closure, and asking for a reconciliation and to work things out, and i will admit, i was bad...i did it til noooo end--which is partly the reason why i wrote that e-mail telling him i need space and time to move on, and that i can't talk to him as a friend right now, and he needs to understand that).

 

Sorry, i got a bit long-winded here...i would have edited some info out...but i just wanted to give enough so y'all understand. And if it matters...i'm one year older than him..and we are in our late 20's.

 

Thanks! I look forward to your replies..and if you're a Vet, i'd really appreciate your opinion here or any experiences you've had.

[thelegend]

Hi, ok this is pretty simple. He admitted that he missed you last time he talked and it's obvious he had feelings for you. So when he saw you online he was just being nice and speaking. He's talking to you in a friendly manner because he misses you but at the same time he's still trying to give you the space that you asked for.

[SandyRose]

Hi, ok this is pretty simple. He admitted that he missed you last time he talked and it's obvious he had feelings for you. So when he saw you online he was just being nice and speaking. He's talking to you in a friendly manner because he misses you but at the same time he's still trying to give you the space that you asked for.

Hey, thanks for responding. Not sure if you thought he said he missed me in the recent IM convo...it was in the e-mails we wrote to each other when i told him i needed space and time alone. But in the IM convo it was very short and i guess i was being pretty blunt and to the point. I just found it really odd that he signed off without saying bye to me, like he usually would, since we've been broke up.

 

I understand that he missed me and that's probably why he messaged me in the first place...just to say hi or whatever. But my thing is that i asked for time and space...why on earth did he break it?? He knew he was hurting me with the whole "friend" deal...so for me to say NC--that's a big step for me and he knows it. He's not giving me the space i need by doing that!!

 

Am i reading too much into this??

[SandyRose]

Oh yeah...i've also noticed that..since the day he broke NC on IM with me...he's been on his instant messenger every night..and he never messages me and i don't message him (i never have since the whole NC rule was applied between us)....but his IM is logged on ALL NIGHT LONG!!! I noticed that he does this when he sees me log into my IM..and when he knows i'm on there...it's like he leaves his IM on all night. Probably because he wants to see if i'll message him? Could that be the case?

 

He's even online right now, and i know he's probably sleeping...but he doesn't leave it logged on all night unless i log in..and i'm just there.

 

It's slightly weird and confusing...

[thelegend]

I think you are reading way too much into this. Do yourself a favor don't log in for a while. It's obvious he's playing cat and mouse with you and you are biting the cheese. He's on there when you are in hopes you would say something to him. So to remedy that maybe you shouldn't log into IM for a couple days. The NC is for you not for him to chase you. And he's still getting to you because you are hanging on to every little thing he does.

[SandyRose]

I think you are reading way too much into this. Do yourself a favor don't log in for a while. It's obvious he's playing cat and mouse with you and you are biting the cheese. He's on there when you are in hopes you would say something to him. So to remedy that maybe you shouldn't log into IM for a couple days. The NC is for you not for him to chase you. And he's still getting to you because you are hanging on to every little thing he does.

Thanks for the reply, again. Doesn't the fact that i'm on IM and not contacting him, bother him at all? It's happened a few times now, and i just go about my business on there, then i log out when i'm done.

 

To be quite honest, i don't have the desire at ALL to message him. I've never had the urge to message him at all when i see him logged in at the same time as me. Like you have said..it's like he is sitting there in hopes that i will message him, but i promised myself that i would never do that. I asked for NC, so i'm going to stick to it.

 

I'm just wondering if it's bothering him a lot that i don't ever message him. And i don't even e-mail him anymore either. He's got a lot going on in his life at the moment, and he knows i'm concerned and care a lot about him, and i used to always ask him how things are going. But now i've gone completely cold turkey on him.

 

I'm just curious as to what he's thinking about this whole situation? I suppose you can say that i'm probably reading too much into the whole situation..but i just honestly want a male's perspective on what could possibly be going through his mind at the present?

[jerbear]

I would suggest your block him on your IM and just hide your listing. If he is keeping tabs on your well time; you'll know and he is not worth it.

 

I think you two are communicating and having some awkwardness due to the breakup and yet trying to be friends.

 

Seems like you are reading to much into this and IM's are not a way to maintain a relationship.

[SandyRose]

I would suggest your block him on your IM and just hide your listing. If he is keeping tabs on your well time; you'll know and he is not worth it.

 

I think you two are communicating and having some awkwardness due to the breakup and yet trying to be friends.

 

Seems like you are reading to much into this and IM's are not a way to maintain a relationship.

Thanks for responding.

 

I did delete him off my IM list, however i did not block him. I'm wondering if it's a mistake to keep him un-blocked??? He hasn't blocked me or deleted me at all...and i'm wondering why, too?

 

IM's are definately not a way to maintain a relationship. He hasn't called me in a while. Then again, he barely talks to his own friends and family back home either.

 

I think i'm reading so much into this because he and i had discussed marriage..and life together and kids. Then he was sent back out to Iraq..and within weeks..he broke up with me. I'm wondering if it's commitment issues? Or maybe he got scared of how serious the relationship was getting?

[PLAYBRAT]

Hiya Sandy...I'm not a male, but I too think you are reading too much into it.

Personally I think he is just respecting your wishes. Maybe he is seeing if you'll message him first...but truthfully, why should you care if you are taking a break?

 

Men never come closer when you are too available....they move closer

the more you move away. Right now, things are too cozy for him. He knoes he can wait online for a bit and you'll eventually pop on. This is not to criticize you.....but what kind of "moving on" are you doing if you're online staring at his online s/name? Just something to think about.

 

Right now is a good time to get OUT of the house and truly do other things that DON'T include him. This is for YOU. I think that by sitting around...and he doesn;t "do "something it will eventually get to you.If you are too busy to notice it won't matter!

 

Best wishes to you...

[PLAYBRAT]

PS: I also think you SHOULD block him....at least for a little while. Till you are stronger..and by then you probably wont even care anymore...