Having trouble trying to relate...

[ChefDan.g/vo]

well... the title says it but it's deeper then it seems. You see... I'm in ok shape, I'm not trim. but I'm still pretty lean. I take decent care of myself.

 

but my problem isnt all that. I find that I feel very alone in who I am. I look around and everybody has a group, a scene, a clique, a circle. of people that you know, you can just relate to and share yourself. with. I am having alot of trouble finding something for me and it's really hurting.

 

at least right now.

 

I have always been the sort of lone wolf type. I have a harsh individualistic streak that I try to keep from interfering with things. But I think because of it once I finally recognized that all people are there own person even if it's buried beneath layers of fakeness, I began to think less and less of who I was. And my encounters with people havent help.

 

I'm different, I dont like to say it because I think everyone is different in their own way. but the proof is mounting up that I am just different enough to feel like I dont belong with anyone, but not different enough to be seen as such. It hit me earlier this week when I was giving a speech for a class about what the book "On the Road" meant to me. And majority of the class looked at me blank faced. and even though I was getting really fired up, when I looked out, I felt so ashamed about who I was that I ended my speech early.

 

This seems to be a trend for me. As soon as I start talking about myself and my ideals I feel ashamed. Alot of my ideas romanticize things and make alot of connections to dreams and utilize alot of philosophies tha even big philosophy people just look at me as if I am an idiot.

 

Because of being alone, my ideas ferment and germinate. They're so developed I cant effectivly relate them to people without a half-hour of talking at least. And when I try to paraphrase I feel like ashamed and recede.

 

I love life over the ground. Hitchiking is a dream of mind. Small towns are the the gems of the wilds. people should go on road trips more. the world is trying to phase out the small towns. Cities are so colorful and multi-faceted I love to delve into their alleys to see all their sides. Other cultures excites me because I feel like it's like looking at a parrallel universe. They're just like us but if we had certain changes in our lives from birth.

 

I believe that there is a higher power but dont believe and religion is correct. There are things in this universe that cant be explained or quantified. And there is something at work behind them.

 

Spirituality is intergral to the human heart and human identity. without illogical things, we wouldnt be human. Pure logic would lead us all to becoming robots that socialize. No identity just seperation by number.

 

those are sort of diluded. but they're a good representation of what usually I feel gets me seperated from others. There are more such as my opinions on music. My favorite band is a japanese group known as The Pillows, and I feel very alone in my taste in music since it is not focused, but not ecclectic. It's simply what I like. It's almost all rock, but it's not what people think of when I say rock.

 

I told a friend of mine how I was worried about finding my place in the world since my dreams were to travel the world. And he told me that maybe my place wasnt anywhere and that I was meant to travel. I like that... but also... right now. that sounds lonely. Maybe the song Strange Chameleon is right. Loneliness and Freedom are always just a part of the deal.

 

I'm looking for advice, encouragment, or even just opinions. I should probably see a therapist about it. but I'm a poor college kid so I cant really afford it.

[Trialbyfire]

And he told me that maybe my place wasnt anywhere and that I was meant to travel.

This is exactly what I thought after reading part way through your post. It's blatantly obvious that this is your calling.

 

For the interim, while you're in college, why not look for internet sites with like-minded people who love to travel, to seek out spirituality within other people and cultures.

 

I've met people like yourself so you're not the only person out there. I used to work with a woman who would work for two years to save money, throw on a backpack and travel for one year. She mostly traveled alone because this was what she wanted to do. On one of her trips, she met a like-minded man who was an ex-Pat, living in Europe. To the best of my knowledge, the two are still working and travelling together, to this day.

[Pedigree]

As soon as I start talking about myself and my ideals I feel ashamed.

 

Don't be so harsh on yourself. You sound like an extremely smart bloke. What is there to be ashamed about?

[Mr. Lucky]

No matter how different, there is a group of people that you have a common denominator with. Besides the travel angle, there are book and music discussion groups. Do you have a favorite sport or physical activity? Do you like or support a team? There are a million ways to go about it but they all involve setting aside your romanticized loner image and relating to people with shared interests...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yosef]

What makes you different is what allows you to make friends. I also have a huge problem with relating to people. None of my friends have nearly any shared qualities with me, I'm basically the opposite of each of my friends.

 

I've discovered, that there is always going to be at least one person out there like you. The first person I could relate with was a mildly mentally retarded, 53 year-old black man I met at a servent event trip to support the handicapped. You may find that person in the strangest of circumstances, as I. We shared so many common qualities, and I managed to give him a little bit of counseling on anxiety and making friends, despite his handicap. It was very inspiring.

 

Even so, this is my personal philosophy: "Take pride in your uniqueness." Take pride and joy in what makes you different from everyone else, what makes you you.

 

After all, there really isn't anyone out there with the heart of an old man such as myself. I realized this weekend I should be in a retirement home, not in high school, lol.

[ChefDan.g/vo]

thanks for the help guys. As with most things. (one of my mottos) I found out that I already had the answers. I just needed encouragment and to see them under the right light.

 

I certainly feel better about it. But the hard part is still putting it into action. But I'm getting better at swinging the bat.