I let a friend stay with me...

[worriedsick]

Ok, I have a friend who has been somewhat of a flake over the years I have known her. For a while the drama in her life go so out of control that I actually cut off contact with her, as it was self-created drama that I eventually couldn't deal with. There were also times that I think she was less than honest with me and always had some kind of excuse for whatever negative thing she did in our friendship, instead of owning up to her own irresponsibility. Somehow over the past couple of years we have reconnected and become friends again. Call me stupid, but I guess I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I should stop that. Anyway, about a month ago she was evicted from her home due to back rent, and I took her in. I told her she could come stay with me until she got back on her feet. She offered her gratitude and told me when she got her next paycheck she would start giving me some money to go towards the extra bills of utilities, food, etc. I said that's fine, I appreciate it but I don't expect it right now and we'd talk about it a little bit later. Well, she has since gotten a differen and very good job, and just got her first BIG paycheck a couple of days ago. Instead of discussing with me what was a fair amount of give me towards the bills, she started talking about what all she wanted to buy and actually asked me to go shopping with her! I was appalled but said nothing at first, and mulled it all over in my head for a couple of days. I finally decided that if our friendship was going to survive, I would have to be honest with her or I would eventually resent her and she'd probably have no idea why. I had the talk with her over lunch and we agreed on a figure, which at the time she said was more than fair and that she'd give me that amount twice a month from her paycheck. Well, yesterday she sent me a text saying she wasn't coming home, that she was staying at a hotel to "think things over". I promptly called her to verify that she was ok, and also to make sure that our conversation about the money was not what had sent her into overdrive! She said no and told me what was wrong, which of course is self-created drama. She then went on to give me a sob story (which I have since determined to be a lie) about how somehow magically her check was less than what she had been bragging about before, and strangely the one bill she had (since she no longer has to pay rent, utilities, etc) to pay had increased dramatically. Basically she told me that after she paid for everything and with the "shrinking" of the check, she'd only have $100 to live off for the next two weeks after she gave me the amount she had agreed on. I am wondering how much the hotel room she was in cost, as we don't live in a cheap area. It had to have been at least $70, which seems high for someone who was "so broke". I think she was expecting me to say that she didn't have to pay me, but I said nothing of the sort. I said "Ok, well when do you think you'll be home". I doubt I'll see her now until Sunday, at which time I am expecting a check or cash for the amount we agreed upon, and if she gives me an excuse, my first inclination is to tell her that I am really disappointed that it has come to this and that my hospitality has been repaid by her lying to me and taking advantage of me, and that if she doesn't want to pay me, that's fine, but she needs to be out within the week. On top of everything else, she hasn't really been the best guest anyway, downloading junk to my computer when I was out of town, rarely cleaning up and also not making her 11-year-old child pick up after herself, which I in turn have to do. Until now, I have tried to turn a blind eye and tell myself it would get better. No such luck!

 

When she got evicted, I was the only person (stupid me) who took her in without a previous discussion of what she would be paying, and I guess that made me look like the best option. I told her it was until she could get back on her feet, and per our recent conversation about the money, I told her that she is welcome to stay with us to save up her money to try and get a really nice place, but now that she is working, I think she should help out monetarily.

 

I guess what I'm asking is this - am I being too hard on her? I don't get to live anywhere for free and I don't expect others to take care of me. If I was in her shoes the first thing I would do is make sure I was gracious to the person who took me in when I was homeless, not spend my money on a hotel room and clothes. Am I mean for kicking her out if she refuses to pay me?

[Lyssa]

I guess what I'm asking is this - am I being too hard on her? I don't get to live anywhere for free and I don't expect others to take care of me. If I was in her shoes the first thing I would do is make sure I was gracious to the person who took me in when I was homeless, not spend my money on a hotel room and clothes. Am I mean for kicking her out if she refuses to pay me?

 

I don't think you're hard on her at all. You've been very understanding and giving, in fact. If I was in her shoes, I would definitely pay you back whatever amount that was discussed. I wouldn't want to live for free esp with friends. I stayed a couple of months with my bro & SIL (parents were away during our house was under renovation), of course they didn't expect me to pay since we're siblings but I bought groceries, take outs etc because I feel that's the least I could do for staying over.

 

She should really take your offer in staying with you till she gets back on her feet. Save the money to get a new place rather than buy new clothes. Where is she gonna keep the new clothes with nowhere to live? How long can she stay in a hotel if she has only a hundred bucks left?

[sb129]

I don't think you are being too hard on her either. She is completely taking the p***, and clearly has terrible money management skills, and it isn't your job to pick up the pieces EVERY time she messes up.

 

I doubt I'll see her now until Sunday, at which time I am expecting a check or cash for the amount we agreed upon, and if she gives me an excuse, my first inclination is to tell her that I am really disappointed that it has come to this and that my hospitality has been repaid by her lying to me and taking advantage of me, and that if she doesn't want to pay me, that's fine, but she needs to be out within the week. On top of everything else, she hasn't really been the best guest anyway, downloading junk to my computer when I was out of town, rarely cleaning up and also not making her 11-year-old child pick up after herself, which I in turn have to do.

 

I think you should stick to the above plan. The problem with people who get bailed out by others all the time is that they keep expecting people to do it, and they never have to take responsibility for themselves.

 

A few weeks ago, my best friend and I and our partners took a trip for our 30th birthdays to NYC. (We all live in London). I had heard about a great restaurant, so we made a reservation about three months in advance, because its not the kind of restaurant where you can just turn up to.

My best friend, P, has another good friend E, who now lives in NYC, who has a long history of being a flake, and she has taken advantage of P a few times which I am less than impressed with.

Turns out she wants to bring two friends to dinner- I said the reservation was made months ago, i don't think we will be able to change it.

She sat there and listened while I phoned the restaurant to rearrange the booking- to accomodate her and her two friends. It meant we had to dine an hour and a half later than planned. Everyone was OK with this.

Fast forward to the restaurant. E is twenty minutes late to the restaurant. (So by the time we sit down to eat, it is nearly 11pm we were starving!!!!!)

No apologies, nothing.

AND THEN- turns out she is broke, and can't pay for her meal, so my friend, P, (whose birthday it is) ends up having to pay Es meal. ($100).

 

E sat there and listened to me change the reservation to accomodate her friends, knowing full well she wouldn't be able to pay, and instead of saying- "you guys go for dinner, I will meet you for a drink after", she totally takes the p*** , is 20min late for an already late booking, and can't pay her way.

 

I was LIVID, so was Ps husband (who had given E a dressing down anyway), and P was really upset. She let E know what she thought the next day, and I doubt their friendship will survive what is the last in a long list of letdowns.

 

Sorry, sorry, this is a longer rant than I thought it would be, but point is- do YOU get anything out of your friendship? It doesn't sound like you are getting anything except grief, and she doesn't sound like the kind of friend who would ever return the favour should you need it.

Thats the indication of whether you should stay friends with someone.

 

So sorry about my rant, your situation just reminded me of it, and it all happened only a couple of weeks ago so its still fresh in my mind.

[Lyssa]

No apologies, nothing.

AND THEN- turns out she is broke, and can't pay for her meal, so my friend, P, (whose birthday it is) ends up having to pay Es meal. ($100).

 

E sat there and listened to me change the reservation to accomodate her friends, knowing full well she wouldn't be able to pay, and instead of saying- "you guys go for dinner, I will meet you for a drink after", she totally takes the p*** , is 20min late for an already late booking, and can't pay her way.

 

Wow! That is a horrible thing to do to a friend! Really!! She didn't even have the bloody decency to apologise!!! Unbelievable! My parents would smack me if I did anything like that to a friend. It's just in your upbringing... that's how I see it.

[sderenzi]

Fascinating story really, so I guess you are learning friends aren't really friends, they're more like pests that can act up from time to time. I suggest you tell her she's going to pay, oh she'll pay, well either way your friends belief in her poor situation is real otherwise she'd have come back by now, so she feels giving the money would jeopardize her financial status, this means you cannot depend on her for a room-mate, let her go home to live with her folks.

[Trialbyfire]

let her go home to live with her folks.

I agree with this.

 

You should be calling her on her lies, as at the time she's lying. If you can't call her on it as at that point, do it when she gets home. Even better, have her bags packed and sitting by the door when she gets home.

[worriedsick]

So, I ended up not kicking my friend out, and instead kept giving her more chances. Again, every time she gets her paycheck some kind of drama happens where she can't give me money, and now to make things worse, her child has become such a brat and nuisance that they absolutely have to go. Her daughter ignores my rules and has no respect for me, and as a result of this broke something that was very important to my family, as it was left by our deceased grandfather. My friend offered to pay for the damages, but seems to not understand the underlying reason we are so upset - the lack of respect for our home, and the fact that she lets her kid do whatever with no repercussions. She threatens her child with punishment but never really follows through. Plus, the kid is just basically disrespectful to us. On top of it, the kid is eating us out of house and home with no supplemental money or groceries coming from my friend, so it's adding a financial burden to us now, on top of the expensive repairs it will take for the item her brat broke. My hubby and I have come to the decision that they absolutely will leave, however, now we haven't had the chance to tell her because, as usual, since things got bad after the breaking incident, she took off to someone else's house for a while and hasn't called or shown back up since yesterday. I am pretty sure she is avoiding me because she doesn't want to deal with my anger, but instead it's just getting worse and worse every minute that she avoids us! I am hopeful that maybe our friendship can be salvaged after this, but I doubt it. I anticipate that instead she is going to start spreading rumors about me like she does all of her other friends who have called her on her crap, and our friendship will be over. While I am sort of sad about this, I think more than anything I'll just be relieved to have her out of the house!! Am I just evil for having no sympathy anymore, and kicking her out two weeks before Christmas?

[whichwayisup]

since things got bad after the breaking incident, she took off to someone else's house for a while and hasn't called or shown back up since yesterday. I am pretty sure she is avoiding me because she doesn't want to deal with my anger, but instead it's just getting worse and worse every minute that she avoids us

 

When she finally shows up say something like this to her:

"I am sorry that things are really difficult in your life right now, my husband and I have been very generous to open our home to you, but we feel taken advantage of, disrespected and I am sorry to tell you this, but you need to find another friend to stay with. I know it's close to Christmas, but having you in our house is just causing everyone alot of uncomfortableness and stress, which I'm sure you're well aware of." There's no need to make her feel worse, as I'm sure (I hope!!) she feels bad enough.

 

If she stays with you any longer, the friendship will end as she is showing you what type of person she is...It's sad and even more sad that she doesn't seem to 'get it' and realize what she is doing is so wrong and disrespectful.

[worriedsick]

When she finally shows up say something like this to her:

"I am sorry that things are really difficult in your life right now, my husband and I have been very generous to open our home to you, but we feel taken advantage of, disrespected and I am sorry to tell you this, but you need to find another friend to stay with. I know it's close to Christmas, but having you in our house is just causing everyone alot of uncomfortableness and stress, which I'm sure you're well aware of." There's no need to make her feel worse, as I'm sure (I hope!!) she feels bad enough.

 

If she stays with you any longer, the friendship will end as she is showing you what type of person she is...It's sad and even more sad that she doesn't seem to 'get it' and realize what she is doing is so wrong and disrespectful.

 

I definitely am going to say something similar to that, however, I know she's going to want to drag the conversation out and I really don't want it to head into the direction of "Well, I think you and your kid are heathens and I can't put up with it anymore" (totally not what I will say, but what I am thinking, LOL). I know that if she feels personally attacked or that her kid is being attacked, it is going to get ugly. Is it okay for me to just tell her the situation is no longer working out, I apologize for the inconvenience, and then refuse to discuss it anymore? Or do I owe her a long, drawn out conversation about it?

[whichwayisup]

You don't owe her a long drawn out conversation, but if she wants to get into it with you, well - She had better hear what you have to say and not just try to convince you that you're making a mistake.

 

Give her examples if she asks. Not only about the broken item, but the disrespect as a WHOLE, and the money issue as well. Has she even once bought groceries, helped out by cleaning up, doing dishes, etc?

 

Hopefully this won't come as a big shock to her, she should know that it was coming..

[worriedsick]

In the 3 months she has been here, she bought probably three gallons of milk, two bags of cereal, and bought stuff to make dinner once. She always asks if there's anything we need from the store, but when I tell her, she "forgets" and I end up having to get it myself anyway. Apparently, she constitutes cold cereal as an adequate meal, because on nights when I didn't cook dinner for everyone, she fed her child cold cereal and milk. In terms of money, she has contributed $180 to the extra utilities, which only covers one month worth of extra utilities. She justified it by saying that they aren't here that often and don't eat that much, even though everytime I cooked something, they ate it right up.

[sb129]

I can't believe she is still there!

 

No, you are not an evil person for kicking her out before Christmas, because YOUR families Christmas will be ruined by them if you don't.

 

WWIU gave you some good advice, which i agree with.

[worriedsick]

She is still here because I apparently am a bigger wuss than I like to think I am. LOL The last time when I tried to kick her out, she gave me a sob story and I let her stay. Before this she was giving me sob stories about how she can't buy her child anything for Christmas and she agreed to get help from her kid's school to buy Christmas gifts, telling me how she hates to take charity, but she loves her daughter so much she is willing to do it, blah blah blah. She also whines to me about how she doesn't have any gas money, yet she eats out for lunch at work everday. I haven't given her any money, because that is something I absolutely refuse to do with friends as it has gotten nasty in the past due to that, but I let her sob stories work on me whenever there has been a confrontation in the past regarding paying for groceries and utilities in the past. :(I hate being a pushoever when it comes to friends!!!

[sb129]

You aren't a wuss, you are a nice person who has been manipulated by someone with no conscience.

[Jade 02]

Hi hun

IMHO i think your getting **** on,and ya need to dunmp her period. theres only a handfull of true friends IF THAT. You sound like a decent one,and she does not deserve you sorry but those are my thoughts

Your too nice which is a good thing,but used on wrong person this time

 

HUGS

[Jade 02]

Oh yes don't give into the sobbing crap,I did,and paid for it

[mistieyed]

i will make this short and sweet. a TRUE friend would not put you in a position like this - if you were kind enough to take her in, they would fall over themselves to help you out - if not with money, with cooking, cleaning, that type of thing. she is obviously VERY irresponsible - she has a child and cannot maintain a roof over its head and then allows the child to disrespect the person that took them in - shame on her for doing it, and shame on you for allowing her to treat you and your husband so badly without sending her on her way. i understand you are trying to be helpful, but she doesn't want your help, she wants someone to use. she is not being a friend to you! good luck.