Men, sex and emotions

[morelaugh]

I don’t know if someone (maybe even me) asked this question before, but there is something I simply can’t understand:

• On one hand, men are telling us how they cannot feel loved unless they have sex - and therefore equate love and emotional connection with sex – (look at all those ‘sexless marriage’ threads)

• On the other hand, they keep telling us how sex is departmentalized in a male brain and has little (or nothing ) to do with emotions (look at ‘H masturbates to porn/other women’ type of threads)

Can any man out there explain this contradiction to me?

[Ocean-Blue]

I don’t know if someone (maybe even me) asked this question before, but there is something I simply can’t understand:

• On one hand, men are telling us how they cannot feel loved unless they have sex - and therefore equate love and emotional connection with sex – (look at all those ‘sexless marriage’ threads)

• On the other hand, they keep telling us how sex is departmentalized in a male brain and has little (or nothing ) to do with emotions (look at ‘H masturbates to porn/other women’ type of threads)

Can any man out there explain this contradiction to me?

 

Probably because human behaviour and thought is individual...it varies from person to person.

 

Also, men go through various stages (as do women) in terms of their sexual appetite, feelings about sex and intimacy, etc...

[Gyjin]

I don’t know if someone (maybe even me) asked this question before, but there is something I simply can’t understand:

• On one hand, men are telling us how they cannot feel loved unless they have sex - and therefore equate love and emotional connection with sex – (look at all those ‘sexless marriage’ threads)
  
• BEEN THERE DONE THAT! I was in a sexless marriage and I was miserable. For me sex makes a huge bond with the S/O. No bond no sex. and vice versa. As sex diminishes usually the bond does also.

• On the other hand, they keep telling us how sex is departmentalized in a male brain and has little (or nothing ) to do with emotions (look at ‘H masturbates to porn/other women’ type of threads)
  
• It is separate. Yanking has nothing to do with emotions. It is the quick release. Wether it's a fantasy that the wife won't go for. Or maybe he doesn't feel comfortable bringing it up. Maybe their appetites are different. A man can go a life time without masturbating if his G/F or wife and him are on the same page. But a man can't go through a relationship yanking and nothing more

Can any man out there explain this contradiction to me?

Not really a contradiction.

[morelaugh]

A man can go a life time without masturbating if his G/F or wife and him are on the same page.

Are you serious?

I was under impression that a great majority of men would disagree with this.

[Gyjin]

I'm very serious, IMO this is very true. Not saying that men that masturbate while in a relationship are unhappy. But if appetites match, fantasies match, No reason. Also guys do have the ability to go a few days w/out:D. Well most guys do I seem to be having a problem going w/out but I can honestly say in 9 months I have polished the... never mind you get the idea, once

[morelaugh]

I'm very serious, IMO this is very true. Not saying that men that masturbate while in a relationship are unhappy. But if appetites match, fantasies match, No reason. Also guys do have the ability to go a few days w/out:D. Well most guys do I seem to be having a problem going w/out but I can honestly say in 9 months I have polished the... never mind you get the idea, once

That’s really interesting, I’ve never heard a guy to say that (not that I think masturbation is bad, don’t get me wrong)

 

 

Probably because human behaviour and thought is individual...it varies from person to person.

 

Also, men go through various stages (as do women) in terms of their sexual appetite, feelings about sex and intimacy, etc...

 

I understand your idea about the stages and differences b/w people, that would make sense.

 

But, I am talking about the same stage in the life of the same man.

 

For example:

 

One day a man goes to SC, or look at some porn, get all horny and than comes to his wife for ‘sex and emotional connection’. If she is not too happy to relieve his horniness (caused by looking at other women’s bodies), the next day he complains that he’s loosing connection with her – connection that for a man can only be achieved through sex.

 

Can anyone else see the contradiction here?

[spooty]

In that sort of situation there is a contradiction, but you're making assumptions and it's far from the norm.

for men, sex is about a physical release (a need) and an emotional connection.

however, if you're single, or your SO is away then masturbating satisfies the physical need, but not the emotional one. men like sex because it feels good and it gives them approval. if he is in a relationship it's like "you have sex with me because you accept me"

 

in that example with the guy getting horny with porn then going to his wife, that's a case of mixing the two types of sex, and women in relationships don't want to be outlets for his sexual energy, they want some meaning to it, and that's what would make the distance.

[Trialbyfire]

Men want sex. However they choose to get it, I agree is an individual preference.

[Woggle]

There a huge difference between casual sex with a woman they don't love and intimate sex with a girlfriend or a wife. Once a man is in love with a woman emotians very much become part of sex but is easy to take emotians out of sex with a woman he is not love with.

[Storyrider]

Getting his rocks off doesn't mean he's emotionally satisfied. It is just shooting his load.

 

But if he's in a loving, healthy relationship with a woman and she is withholding, it is impossible for him to be satisfied emotionally.

 

He can still masturbate, but that doesn't help him emotionally.

[tommyr]

A man can have sex (if that is what you call masturbation w porn) without experiencing love.

A man cannot experience love without sex.

 

The man's relationship between sex and love is asymmetric. (It goes one way but not the other). Got it?

 

In "logical" terms: sex is a necessary component of love, but it is not sufficient.

 

 

As an analogy, consider getting pregnant.

 

A woman can have sex without getting pregnant.

A woman cannot get pregnant without sex.

 

Sex is a necessary component of pregnancy, but it is not sufficient.

[OpenBook]

A man cannot experience love without sex.

 

I don't know tommy... I've heard & seen too many stories about men pining away for the object of their affection without ever even getting close to her, much less having sex with her. For them, no one else will do. Even if they try to see other women, they get impatient with them and start treating them badly.

[Woggle]

Men compartmentalize women. There are women you screw around with with no feeling and then there are women you fall in love with and marry. This is why many men can have sex with no emotion but then turn around and view sex as an expression of love.

[WaterTiger]

There a huge difference between casual sex with a woman they don't love and intimate sex with a girlfriend or a wife. Once a man is in love with a woman emotions very much become part of sex but is easy to take emotions out of sex with a woman he is not love with.

 

Tell us, O Great and Masterful Woggle, how does a girl tell the difference?

[Woggle]

Tell us, O Great and Masterful Woggle, how does a girl tell the difference?

 

If a man actually shows emotion in return and he is a little sloppy in his approach. If a man is too smooth and too perfect it usually means he is just playing you and wants sex. If he is sloppy in his approach there is emotion involved and he is for real.

[WaterTiger]

ahhh-HA! I shall keep that in mind! Thank you Woggle!

[Ocean-Blue]

Seems to me that the most happiest men are the ones who are involved in relationships where there is open communication (especially regarding things of a sexual nature). These guys tend to be more relaxed and mellow.

 

It's the ones that aren't getting any (or the ones who can't communicate to their mate their wants and desires) that don't seem very happy (i.e. incessantly complain).

 

I don't understand why they can't/don't communicate their wishes to their partner. If a man finds himself watching porn on a regular a basis (sans sex with his SO), why doesn't he talk to his SO? Surely there is something that is lacking in the R for him to rely so heavily on pornography...so why not COMMUNICATE this to his mate?

 

Or am I presenting an overly simplified "solution" to a complex, nuanced problem?

[lonelybird]

Men compartmentalize women. There are women you screw around with with no feeling and then there are women you fall in love with and marry. This is why many men can have sex with no emotion but then turn around and view sex as an expression of love.

how can trust someone who treat people differently? let's say, if a girl has low self-esteem, then deprive her? if a girl is a lady, then respect her? more, if a person is in a low postition in social stand or some other race, then deprive them or disrespect them? if a person is in a high position, then respect them? I cannot trust a person who treat weak in a different manner, it is totally hypocrisy IMO, what more dark than this?

[Cobra_X30]

I don't understand why they can't/don't communicate their wishes to their partner. If a man finds himself watching porn on a regular a basis (sans sex with his SO), why doesn't he talk to his SO? Surely there is something that is lacking in the R for him to rely so heavily on pornography...so why not COMMUNICATE this to his mate?

 

Or am I presenting an overly simplified "solution" to a complex, nuanced problem?

 

Great question! Remember that many men fear the answer more than the question!

 

On one hand, men are telling us how they cannot feel loved unless they have sex - and therefore equate love and emotional connection with sex – (look at all those ‘sexless marriage’ threads)

 

On the other hand, they keep telling us how sex is departmentalized in a male brain and has little (or nothing ) to do with emotions (look at ‘H masturbates to porn/other women’ type of threads)

 

Can any man out there explain this contradiction to me?

 

Those two idea's are not mutually exclusive, and therin lies your answer.

 

Even in a one night stand a man... feels loved. That does not mean or require that the feeling be returned. A long term relationship is the exact same! I can love a woman without sex, however I will not feel that the love is returned without it.

 

The porn aspect is slightly different.

[morelaugh]

Thanks guys!

So many interesting opinions!

You’ve certainly given me food for thought.

 

 

 

Those two idea's are not mutually exclusive, and therin lies your answer.

 

Even in a one night stand a man... feels loved. That does not mean or require that the feeling be returned. A long term relationship is the exact same! I can love a woman without sex, however I will not feel that the love is returned without it.

 

The porn aspect is slightly different.

 

I think I know what you are trying to say, but the way you said it sounds like the only difference b/w ONS and LTR is that the love is returned only in the latter.

 

Anyway, I’m sure that’s not what you wanted to say.

 

However, what I think you meant still implies that emotions are always involved. If we take that a step further, that means men don’t tell the truth when they say that they can have sex without emotions – there are still emotions - even the same kind of emotions?

 

Did I totally misinterpreted you?

 

The porn aspect is slightly different.

I won't even pretend to understand this one.

Do you mind explaining please?

[LoisLane]

The porn aspect is slightly different.

 

Yes, Cobra.... Explain please. I would love to know.

[shadowofman]

Don't confuse attraction and love. You could never love someone that you have had a one-night stand with. Love is an emotion that grows from long exposure. I am attracted to tons of girl, and could easily have sex with any of them. Don't love them though. Wouldn't do "anything" for them like I would if I loved them. And feeling good because a woman is attracted to me is not the same as feeling loved. I just feel attractive. Men do have emotions toward anyone that they may want to have sex with, but love is a big one. Not likely.

On one hand, men are telling us how they cannot feel loved unless they have sex - and therefore equate love and emotional connection with sex – (look at all those ‘sexless marriage’ threads)

On the other hand, they keep telling us how sex is departmentalized in a male brain and has little (or nothing ) to do with emotions (look at ‘H masturbates to porn/other women’ type of threads)

Can any man out there explain this contradiction to me?

I think everyone covered this, but here's my spin.

I could feel loved without sex, but I would feel frustrated and need to release my sexual tension. I would therefore get it somewhere else. Whatever her reason for not having sex is. I might feel unattractive if she is having sex with others and not me. Or I might feel like I need an alternative if she is unable to have sex.

I think men masterbate to other women in porn because they want to experience various other sexual experiences in a safe way. He could be running around promiscuous, or he could jerk off to it in the bed. That's why I do it. Nothing to do with love.

[Cobra_X30]

I think I know what you are trying to say, but the way you said it sounds like the only difference b/w ONS and LTR is that the love is returned only in the latter.

 

Anyway, I’m sure that’s not what you wanted to say.

 

However, what I think you meant still implies that emotions are always involved. If we take that a step further, that means men don’t tell the truth when they say that they can have sex without emotions – there are still emotions - even the same kind of emotions?

 

Did I totally misinterpreted you?

 

Well, I am not speaking in regards to all men, however I believe this holds true for the majority. There is a dichotomy between recieving love and giving love.

 

A one night stand as an example is recieving love. Thats why this is an ego boost. You feel loved, and desired by her, even if that is not really the case. If love is returned, then there is a strong desire for an LTR.

 

In a LTR, sex allows for an exchange of love. This is where you give love, and you recieve love.

 

As others have mentioned there is the possibility to feel love without sex. However, I do not feel that the emotion is the same. It's almost a different kind of love. I think this plays into the old Madonna-Whore complex some men have.

 

Also, I rarely hear it mentioned, but we should also recognize that for many men there is a certain... control aspect to sex.

 

Yes, Cobra.... Explain please. I would love to know.

 

Ah, well its kind of a delicate subject, however I think most men, bieng very... uh imaginative, have no problem keeping fantasy in the realm of fantasy.

 

So, that means despite watching 4 hours of porn , there is no direct comparison to the SO, and she will continue to be just as attractive.

 

The guys who become addicted to porn are in fact addicted to the fantasy. I also believe that there is a certain amount of laziness involved. Were the SO more readily available... ie... less work involved, no chance of rejection... ect, porn would rarely be much less desireable.

[OpenBook]

Cobra I am sitting up and paying attention to everything you're saying here. This is the info that I have been trying to get out of my various SO's over the years... and nobody's been talking! Many thanks for the rare insights.

 

Can you explain this one a little more, please??

 

Also, I rarely hear it mentioned, but we should also recognize that for many men there is a certain... control aspect to sex.

[shadowofman]

I disagree with cobra here. How could you possible attribute the feeling involved in a one night stand to love?

The man may feel more manly, more desirable, more of a player, but it has nothing to do with being loved. In fact, if the girl expressed love to him, he would run away.

Love is as compulsion to want to be around someone more often, or you constantly thuink of them when they are not around. Or you would do anything for them.

I could be in love with someone, but still want a one night with someone I don't love. Love and sex are two different things.

A one night stand as an example is recieving love. Thats why this is an ego boost.

It's an ego boost because I somehow conned this girl into letting me...(beep)!

I am such a stud!

In a LTR, sex allows for an exchange of love. This is where you give love, and you recieve love.

Or it could be lust for lust. You can have sex without making love, even if you are in love with the person.

As others have mentioned there is the possibility to feel love without sex. However, I do not feel that the emotion is the same. It's almost a different kind of love. I think this plays into the old Madonna-Whore complex some men have.

Not a different love,.....lust!

Also, I rarely hear it mentioned, but we should also recognize that for many men there is a certain... control aspect to sex.

Sure, there's a control aspect. This could mean different things to different people, but commonly

dominance in bed,

gaining access to a woman.

Women have to allow us to enter them. Men do may things to gain this access. It's a condition of the physics of sex. Men give, women receive. Men could give it to a melon, but prefer women. Neither requires love. Women are picker about who (and what) they let in and typically do require strong feelings.