4 months of NC...but I'm still struggling

[Just 'nother MM]

I know this topic has been covered so many times on loveshack that most readers are probably sick of reading it, but I have to write (if only to keep my emotions in check).

 

My OW and I have had no contact for the last four months, after having both decided to end our affair. And I mean no contact at all - no text messages, phone calls, nothing.

 

I have, during this time, moved back into my marital home, and I love being back with my three kids. My relationship with my wife has been permanently altered (of course), but we're communicating better and trying to move forward, even with all the pain my infidelity has inflicted on her.

 

Can someone tell me, then, why I still cannot stop thinking about the OW? I've been to individual counseling, marriage counseling, and continue to read prodigious amounts of material about affairs, divorce and reconciliation. I've read many of the accounts by OW's and BW's that fill loveshack's pages. But I'm still at a loss as to why I still feel such longing for the OW.

 

I feel so guilty about this, because my wife is a good person and deserves better. And most of the time, I seem to be OK, I feel fine. But then I think about her, I think about our time together, and I am overcome with a sense of loss, of sadness...

 

Anyway, all the best to those that have entered into these difficult situations. And to those on the precipice, to those that are wondering if they should succumb to the allure of a MW, MM or OP, I urge you to think twice.

 

It could change your life.

[OpenBook]

Can someone tell me' date=' then, why I still cannot stop thinking about the OW?[/quote']

 

Probably the same reason why you sought and entered into the A in the first place? You were missing something, and she represented what you were looking for? I'm just guessing here...

 

I love being back with my three kids. My relationship with my wife has been permanently altered (of course)' date=' but we're communicating better and trying to move forward, even with all the pain my infidelity has inflicted on her... I feel so guilty about this, because my wife is a good person and deserves better. And most of the time, I seem to be OK, I feel fine. But then I think about [i']her,[/i] I think about our time together, and I am overcome with a sense of loss, of sadness...

 

Is it possible that the OW represents the passing of your youth? And that's what you're really mourning? Vitality, energy, life?

 

And to those on the precipice, to those that are wondering if they should succumb to the allure of a MW, MM or OP, I urge you to think twice.

 

It could change your life.

 

I hear you - I'm there... just a few steps away from that precipice. Hence, my questions to you. Hope you don't mind.

[frannie]

I love being back with my three kids.

 

My relationship with my wife has been permanently altered (of course), but we're communicating better and trying to move forward, even with all the pain my infidelity has inflicted on her.

 

Can someone tell me, then, why I still cannot stop thinking about the OW?

 

Do you love being back with your W? No? You love being back with your kids.

 

I would imagine that's at least partly why you can't stop thinking about your OW.

 

I'm just wondering why you're posting this on the OW forum rather than Infidelity? I'm not criticising... but it seems to me that if you were looking for help in getting your marriage back on track you'd be posting over there..? So... does this indicate you're not really interested in getting your marriage going again... and looking more towards leaving..?

 

Or are you just totally confused?

[Shades of Grey]

Do you love being back with your W? No? You love being back with your kids.

 

I agree with Frannie here,

 

If you didnt have your children would you have gone back to your wife? I'm guessing not. (I may be wrong because I don't know your story)

 

In my mind there are two types of MM when it comes down to reconciliation after an affair.

 

Those who go back with determination because they have realised that they have made a huge mistake, that they love their wives and want desperately to make things work. And those who go back with resignation for whatever reason - kids.. finances...cake-eaters or because the alternative is just too much damn hard work.

 

In your case it seems that there was something missing in your marriage which led you to have an affair and that missing element will not magically reappear on your return. By choosing to go back to your wife you have accepted that something will always be missing and that acceptance is a hard thing to come to terms with, especially when you found it with the OW. So you are mourning that sense of completeness that she allowed you which manifests itself in the loss of her.

 

I might be wrong but I feel that if you truely loved your wife you wouldn't be here. You've had 4 months now to get a sense of how your marriage will be for the rest of your life and you need to decide whether it's enough. And if it's not enough do the benefits that you believe your children will enjoy whilst you remain married outweigh the sacrifice?

[White Flower]

Do you love being back with your W? No? You love being back with your kids.

 

I agree with Frannie here,

 

If you didnt have your children would you have gone back to your wife? I'm guessing not. (I may be wrong because I don't know your story)

 

In my mind there are two types of MM when it comes down to reconciliation after an affair.

 

Those who go back with determination because they have realised that they have made a huge mistake, that they love their wives and want desperately to make things work. And those who go back with resignation for whatever reason - kids.. finances...cake-eaters or because the alternative is just too much damn hard work.

 

In your case it seems that there was something missing in your marriage which led you to have an affair and that missing element will not magically reappear on your return. By choosing to go back to your wife you have accepted that something will always be missing and that acceptance is a hard thing to come to terms with, especially when you found it with the OW. So you are mourning that sense of completeness that she allowed you which manifests itself in the loss of her.

 

I might be wrong but I feel that if you truely loved your wife you wouldn't be here. You've had 4 months now to get a sense of how your marriage will be for the rest of your life and you need to decide whether it's enough. And if it's not enough do the benefits that you believe your children will enjoy whilst you remain married outweigh the sacrifice?

This makes me ask another question. (I hope LadyJane14 reads this because she knows so many statistics and articles to read.) How long does it usually take a MM to get over the A after he returns (or stays) with the W? Does he completely get over it? Or does he ever?

 

And will I ever? I am very curious. I don't think I'll ever get this guy out of my mind.

[PLAYBRAT]

WOW White Flower..those are some very hard questions to really answer!!!

 

The thing about affairs is that by the time you realize you are in fact involved.....you are already completely engulfed in the affair. This is usually NOT realized until you DO attempt to end an affair. Logically it seems like a sound and "right" thing to do......but emotionally and yes, even sometimes physically it IS hard to extricate yourself from the jaws of an affair. Especially when BOTH parties are still wanting to resume it....but

for obvious reasons, are unable to.

 

I think the demise of an affair is ALWAYS hardest for the one who is being left, (in MOST cases is the Married person if the OP is single)....

This is not to say the person leaving does not suffer.I truly believe they do....only in different ways. I think it is unfair to point fingers at either party when an affair ends. No one EVER makes anyone do anything they don't WANT to do. This is why I do not understand so many of these threads with the OW/OM seeking revenge or vindication.

 

Being left stings...sometimes it is debilitating but the reality is we all

have to accept responsibility for our involvement in an affair.

 

I don't kow if that was a very clear answer...but again, answers to questions like these are never black and white.IMO.