sltama Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 Ok first-time poster here. I (like some other people I have seen on here) am in the situation where I'm ready for marriage and he say "I'm not ready". We're both 25, have known one another for over 10 yrs. and have dated for 4.5 yrs. That being said, while I love him dearly - I am really hurt and somewhat angry by this "not ready" response. What truly bothers me is that he can't give me a REASON as to what needs to happen for him to BE ready. If he wanted to go back to school for a masters, or save more money, or play the field with other women or SOMETHING at least it would make more sense to me than just "not ready". We do everything together, we share everything together, we have a wonderful, trusting, loving relationship and friendship - that's why this bothers me so much. It is killing me inside - I feel like after all this time he should at least know if I was the one for him or not - I don't even get that from him! He'll talk about our "future house" or "what our kids will do" but he has never said - we will get married someday, or as soon as I do this we can get engaged, or even some sort of time frame. He's truly my best friend and to imagine life without him doesn't seem right - but I think I at least deserve a reason behind the "not ready" or at least a reason to wait. I should also mention he has talked about living together - something I don't believe in based upon my family and religion and honestly I don't think it's for me. I just love him and want to be with him but I also don't want to hope for something that will never happen and miss out on other things in life waiting for his "reasons"...what can I do without pressuring him and to help myself from being so sad about this ... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 Walk away. That's all you can do. If he wants you, he will take the steps to have you. But as long as he "has" you, then he will feel no need to do anything more. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 What truly bothers me is that he can't give me a REASON as to what needs to happen for him to BE ready. Maybe it is just truthfully the way he feels. Just as you know in your heart that you are ready, he knows that he is not. It's unfortunate, but you two simply aren't at the same place at the same time. Your real focus shouldn't be on trying to understand or change how he feels but on, armed with the knowledge, how you're going to move ahead. Two pretty simple choices - 1). Stay in an open-ended, developing relationship. 2). Break it off with him and live your life. Neither gets you what you want right now - a marriage proposal - but, as you are coming to understand, it's not really up to you. Hope it works out... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 He is saying "I'm not ready" because it sounds better than "I don't want to marry you right now, and am not sure if I ever do want to marry you." If he says "I'm not ready" there is a greater chance of being able to keep his relationship with you. I doubt he wants to give up what he has, but it doesn't sound like he wants to make a marriage out of it, at least not now. If you want marriage and he doesn't, then you have reached the crossroads. Either you split and walk a different way, or you stay with a guy who doesn't want to marry you, and accept that marriage isn't part of the deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 I think at age 25 especially, "I'm not ready" can mean just that. There's nothing unusual, recalcitrant, or immature about someone so young feeling not quite ready for marriage. If he were 35 and saying the same thing, I'd say you should re-think your desire to be with someone who has reached that age and not yet reached the maturity level to make a commitment to a stable life with one person--or I'd suggest the "not ready" is just an excuse because in truth he is just not sure about YOU. But at age 25, this seems completely normal, and reasonable, even considering the fact you've been together for nearly 5 years. Maybe he has some ideas about what marriage entails that scare him. Maybe he has an image of what a "Husband" has to be and he wants to be that for you, but feels afraid he can't measure up to his own ideal, or to what he might think YOUR expectations are. You need to address this with him in a non-confrontational way. Encourage him to share his thoughts and feelings about marriage with you, and share yours. The only way you'll get through this is with as honest communication as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 He's probably wondering if there's something he has missed, and for good reason. If he's been dating you since 20, he never got a chance to do the single thing and date a few women. He's probably afraid that marrying you would be akin to signing his own death warrant. Not because of you, but because of all of the things he might miss out on. I think Norajane is right, this is a battle you can't win. If your goal is marriage, you are very likely in the wrong situation. He wont EVER be ready until he experiences other things, and he obviously can't do that while with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sltama Posted November 20, 2007 Author Share Posted November 20, 2007 yes 25 is still young and you are right - I am feeling like this is something that will "never" change...I don't believe it's another woman(women) thing - I have been in those types of relationships and I "know" when men look to get out or "test the waters"- I have even mentioned to him about seeing other people, going back to school, moving out on his own with his own place and so on (basically giving him the chance to have as much or as little freedom as he wants) and repeatedly he shows no interest whatsoever. That's why this is so confusing to me - if he wanted to date around, to find a better job/career, live with his pals or alone - cool great, whatever - it might hurt a bit but at least it would make sense. He is totally content with things as they are (he hates change more than the average person) - I'm sorry but at 25 I don't understand why you wouldn't want to move on with your life (even if it's not marriage). Like I said, he has "no obvious reasons" and gives me no reason to go or stay other than he loves me, needs me etc. But how long is too long to wait, especially fo someone who seems to not want to budge in any direction of "independence".... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 He is totally content with things as they are That's just it. That's his reason - he is totally content. YOU aren't content. So only you can decide how long you want to stay with him if he has no interest in marriage. Either shake him out of his comfort zone, or accept that he's content and isn't going to do anything about marriage any time soon and either live with it or leave. Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 Being not ready for marriage at 25 is somewhat understandable to me. However being content to live at home, and not move to be more independent would be a huge red flag for me. My response to your first post would have been to give it a bit more time, after all if one of you is not ready, then neither one is. However it sounds to me like you are ready for full "adulthood" and he is not. I would have to agree with the others, while it is going to really hurt, and suck - you need to move on. If it's meant to be, he'll grow up pretty darn fast. If it's not meant to be you will have moved on with your life. Do NOT however sit there waiting for him to call. REALLY move on. Go out, have fun, fill your time with things you love to do. Do not pine away for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 Do NOT however sit there waiting for him to call. REALLY move on. Go out, have fun, fill your time with things you love to do. Do not pine away for him. Good advice and, somewhat counter-intuitively, it may actually get you what you want from him. Seeing you in a different light - single, strong and independent - may be the impetus he needs to take the next step. You'll never know unless you try... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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