crippledsoul250 Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 So here's my story. My ex girlfriend broke up with me back in January of this year. We were together for 4 years. She stated her reasons were that the relationship wasn't going anywhere. She said she felt more like my mistress than my girlfriend. She complained that I was poor at communicating openly with her. She complained that I didn't make an effort to spend enough time with her. I was not always there for her when she needed me. I took her for granted. She wanted to take the relationship to a higher level of sexual intimacy & commitment but I kept telling her I wasn't ready. I have an addiction to masturbation and that became the replacement for sexual intimacy with her. So she said it was time for her to move on. Now from January until early July I stayed in limited contact with her. I would call her once a month at that time. She would text message me 2 to 3 times per week. In February I wrote her a 5 page love letter telling her how I felt and how I regretted my actions in the relationship. In July I sensed that I wasn't getting anywhere so I just initiated strict no contact. I've had no contact with her for 4 months now. I figured she would need time to miss me. During those 4 months she has attempted to contact me through messenger and myspace but I ignored all her attempts. By early October she started calling again. I don't answer. Then 27 days go by. She calls again I don't answer. Then 9 days later she calls and I don't answer. Then 5 days go by and she calls again which was earlier tonight. This time she did leave a message asking me to call her back. So she has called me 4 times since early October but just now left a voicemail. I had already determined that I would continue applying no contact until she called and left a voicemail saying that she wants to try again. So far she has left a voicemail but she didn't state in her voicemail what she specifically wanted other than for me to call her back. What do you guys think I should do? For now I'm giving myself 1 week to think about whether or not I should return her call because I don't want to risk undoing all the progress I've made on myself in the last 4 months. I still want her back but I know I have to let her come to me. I also don't want to put myself in a position of being strung along. I've tried dating a few other girls but I just don't dig anybody else. I'm still in love with my ex. Really though I ought to just ignore her calls until she specifically says beyond a shadow of a doubt that she wants to re-start this relationship. I don't care if she calls 1000 times per day. It means nothing unless she says those magic words. I'm sure 1 week will be enough time for me to get plenty of responses here and plenty of time to think about what I want to say if I do in fact return the call. Link to post Share on other sites
shewasthesun Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 I say stop being so critical and organized. Love is random and spontaneous. Call her back. She may have something to say that she's embarassed to admit on a voicemail. Take a step. Link to post Share on other sites
oasis Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 After that many calls and and a voicemail, I believe that she "really" has something to say. Somethings just cannot be said by leaving a message. At the very least, find out what she wants, then you can make a decision to continue or not continue NC. If you don't, you will always wonder... Link to post Share on other sites
thelegend Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 I agree with the other posters. She wants to talk to you for a reason. If you wrote her the letter she's replying to that. She obviously wants you back otherwise she would have gave up a long time ago. And you still want her so don't be mean to her you love her right? So show her you do by calling her back. Women don't tend to give us a lot of chances so you have to take the ones you get. Link to post Share on other sites
bustertypsy Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 If you love her then call her.You have followed NC exactly as it should be done.So now it seems that the time apart has made her realise she loves you and wants you back.If you aren't interested in getting back with her then either tell her,or ignore her.Do what's right for you,only you know what that is. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 I've tried dating a few other girls but I just don't dig anybody else. I'm still in love with my ex. Really though I ought to just ignore her calls until she specifically says beyond a shadow of a doubt that she wants to re-start this relationship. I don't care if she calls 1000 times per day. It means nothing unless she says those magic words. Were you clear to her on your last correspondence before NC, that this is what you're waiting for? If not, it's not realistic to expect that she will know exactly what to say. Even if you were clear, no one's going to leave something that personal, on voicemail. For all she knows, you may already be previously committed. If you want her back, call her back. If you want to move on, which is what NC is really for, do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crippledsoul250 Posted November 18, 2007 Author Share Posted November 18, 2007 I should also add that she lost her dad back in November of last year. It's been a difficult year for her and the family. I sent a "thinking of you" card that was addressed to her family a few days ago just to let them know I was thinking about them during the 1 year anniversary. So I'm sure she's got it in the mail by now. I guess she's calling only to thank me but she could have easily thanked me in her voicemail or sent me an e-mail. She also made mention that her rough patch was another reason she ended the relationship. Having to deal with her dad's death and grandmother's death in the same year. I stayed in limited contact with her from January to July to be supportive as a friend but I also knew I risked being strung along. But I will call her in a few days just to see what she wants. If it's anything other than reconciliation then I'll end the conversation first. I won't talk for more than 3-5 minutes. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 I would also like to throw in the fact that you never told her that you were going "NC". If she was even just a friend, don't you think she'd have reasons to worry about why a friend dropped off the earth? I'd not read into the phone calls, but if you want to put closure on this one way or another you'll need to contact her to tell her that you want no contact unless she wants another shot. Tell her it's your only shot at healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 I would also like to throw in the fact that you never told her that you were going "NC". If she was even just a friend, don't you think she'd have reasons to worry about why a friend dropped off the earth? I'd not read into the phone calls, but if you want to put closure on this one way or another you'll need to contact her to tell her that you want no contact unless she wants another shot. Tell her it's your only shot at healing. Exactly. If you need something from her, tell her. What can you lose now by doing so? Link to post Share on other sites
Author crippledsoul250 Posted November 18, 2007 Author Share Posted November 18, 2007 When we last talked in July she made mention that she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown when she broke up with me that night back in January. I'm new here to the site but I have been reading caliguy's threads on NC for awhile. I've also read that one thread about complications on bets to win someone back. I made some of the classic mistakes in the early days of the breakup. I.E. being the first one to call after the breakup, crying, etc. What I get out of all of this is that I must be a challenge in order to stand the best chance of winning her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 What you should be getting out of this is to learn to clearly communicate your wants and needs. Being a challenge is meaningless. Having self-respect for what you're willing to put up with is something else. Btw, did you hear what she said to you? That she broke up with you because of communication issues and trying to handle the deaths in her family? Listen, understand and be understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crippledsoul250 Posted November 18, 2007 Author Share Posted November 18, 2007 Yeah I hear what you are saying. I don't want to be an insensitive jerk either. That's why last week I was thinking of how to reach out to her during the 1 year anniversary of her dad's death. If I called her then I would risk setting myself back. If I didn't call her then I'd feel like an ass. So I did something in between calling and not calling by sending that card. This way there is no pressure on either one of our ends to have direct contact and risk opening up old wounds. But I will return her call within a few days to see what she has to say. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybuthappy Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 Be patient. She knows where are you living, so why she couldn't come to your place personally. She is playing with you , I think, or she is lonely..Be careful Link to post Share on other sites
Author crippledsoul250 Posted November 18, 2007 Author Share Posted November 18, 2007 Well she doesn't have a car or a driver's license. I live 1 hour away from her. Most of her friends have moved away but she keeps in touch with them online. So she would have no way to get to my house even if she wanted to. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybuthappy Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 But you would go by walk (and with flowers, of course) in a case you dumped her, and can't stand be without her. So let her to pay taxi or bus. There are so many other girls, and you almost healed. She can send you e-mail and explain what she wants...I wouldn't call before that Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 Well she doesn't have a car or a driver's license. I live 1 hour away from her. Most of her friends have moved away but she keeps in touch with them online. So she would have no way to get to my house even if she wanted to. no disrespect but I think you've mucked about long enough now. just call her and deal with the situation. talk to her Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 Call her back. You've made your point. Given that one of the reasons she broke up with you was that she felt you were unavailable, NC might not be the best thing to do in this situation. She might be calling to tell you she wants to be with you but she doesn't want to say that to your voicemail, especially if you've been ignoring her. If you think it might hurt you too much to talk to her, send her an email. Of course, this is really all up to you in the end. I couldn't talk to my ex right now because it would be too painful and I have other things happening in my life on which I need to be concentrating. But if you feel you can talk to her without it tearing you up, go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 Just call her and ask her what she wants. Just make the conversation short and don't discuss the past or let her see you sweat. Link to post Share on other sites
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