Trying to recover-looking for perspective

[makeanewlife]

I have been going through the hell of discovering my husband's affair for about a month now. I am looking for advice, support, perspective, etc. I know my situation could have been so much worse.

 

Basically, when I was late in my last pregnancy, my husband met a woman at work that he found attractive. She found him attractive also and started hitting on him. (She made the first moves). They had a connection in that they work at the same place and have their occupation in common and a similar way of thinking. She started telling him she had a 'crush' on him and he was flattered. As they spent more time together (at work), she said she loved him. She basically worshiped the ground he walked on, and this was irresistable of course, to him. It was the situation where you only see one side of the person and everything is idealized. My husband was very torn and confused. He says he loved me the whole time but was torn by his feelings and attraction to her. He ended the affair eventually, before I discoved it. He realized that although he shared the same occupation and a similar approach to their job, he ultimately found her to be one-dimensional and he realized that I have a lot more to offer him and we also share a history, children, etc. The situation is made more difficult because of the fact that he still works with her. They maintained a friendship for several months, after the affair, until a few weeks ago when I got clued in (although I had suspicions for months and thought I was going crazy). Even though he has stopped the friendship, he is in a position over her at work. There will still be times when they will be together. He sees her every day almost. My husband is in a position of authority at work and a lot of people respect him. For several reasons, we've decided for him to stay at his current job for the time being. It complicates the healing process.

 

The good news is, he is extremely remorseful and says he is totally committed to me. He is willing to change jobs. We are starting to understand the issues that led to this. Although there were some areas lacking, we basically had a great relationship, good sex life, etc. This pisses me off so much because it isn't like I'm a wife that let herself go. I work, I'm in great shape, I'm attactive, and I have always loved sex. I think I was giving too much of myself away. I was so busy working, caring for children, taking care of the house, that I totally ignored my own emotional and intellectual needs. I'm trying to forgive. After all if some attractive guy was hitting on me and telling me I was great, I'd probably have a hard time turning that down too. It just kills me though that he didn't take into consideration all that he was risking with our kids and family.

 

I am hoping this experience will eventually make our marriage stronger. We both realize now how easily an innocent friendship can lead to an affair. I'm not sure how to put this behind us and move on and escape the horrible feelings of betrayal.