Reflections (and maybe some useful tidbits)

[amerikajin]

I'm kind of a weirdo but sometimes I actually re-read some of my old posts. Having been here for more than four years and also having had a number of dating experiences over that time, it's actually a pretty good resource. It's like having a journal, which you can thumb through from time to time and see how you've changed.

 

In my case, my dating history's a bit strange. I really wasn't all that experience and rarely dated when I was younger. I only had two girlfriends in college and both of them lasted only 3 months or so, though one of them came to be a really good friend with whom I later had a sexual encounter It wasn't until I was 25 that I had my first real relationship lasting longer than 3 months. That relationship was, and probably still is to this day, the best one I've had. It lasted over two years. We moved in together before breaking up six months after that. At that point began a long, strange, unpredictable period of dating.

 

Though I had been through a long relationship, I still didn't know a lot about picking up women when I first came on to this site a few years ago. So I used this and other resources to help myself understand the opposite sex better. I've had some good experience and some not so good. I've probably shot myself in the foot a few times. But, I do feel like I understand women a lot better than I did before. A lot of dudes will end up being coached about the so-called "rules" of dating, but here are my own rules:

 

Know the signs of interest. This is crucial. This has been the most important step in my evolution as a dater. Know the difference between a friend and a potential lover. Know the difference between a woman who's just kind of flirting and a woman who really wants to get to know you better. Know things like eye contact, smiles, touching, suggesting future activities together - understand what they mean and how they are used. I made it a point to learn this, and I honestly can't remember the last time I was rejected for a first date - precisely because I know exactly when someone is interested. Now a 2nd and 3rd date? That depends on what happens on the first. Which brings me to the next point.

 

Know the dating process. Know what a first date or two (or even three or four). It is not necessarily a chance to get laid, although some women do indeed move fast. Rather, it is just a chance to get to know each other better - that's it and nothing else. It's a chance to see if there's any chemistry. It's a chance to see if the smiles and signs of attraction really amount to anything beyond that. It's not a time to "prove yourself" by passing a bunch of tests; it's a chance to show her who you really are and to let her decide whether she's down with you or not.

 

Some women do like to take it slowly. I think this is one of the biggest myths on this and other sites. Don't freak out if you don't get a kiss on a first date and never try to force that. You are more likely to ruin a relationship in the early stages by being too pushy and making a woman uncomfortable than by waiting a bit longer to pick up the signs. It's when you seemingly never make a move after she's touched you, laughed with you and so forth...that's when you're likely to bruise a woman's ego and lose her for good. But hopefully you can at least pick up on some of those signs along the way.

 

Do understand the right amount of contact. Yes, you can annoy the crap out of a girl if you call her too much in the beginning. However, you can also irritate her just as much by contacting her too little. You have to keep momentum going from one date to the next. I think women want their space initially but they also want to know that their date had fun with them (and ladies, understand that this is a two way street). As for calling the next day, I think it depends: if you had a great time and hit it off right away, I think a short call the next day just to say you had a good time and that you'll call later to set up some plans for the next date can't hurt at all. If you sensed that the time was good but maybe she wants her space a bit, wait another day or two and then call to set up another date. Don't over communicate, but don't under-communicate either.

 

Don't over-analyze. Look at what actually happened on the date. Don't try to look for hidden messages. If she doesn't always immediately return your text or phone call, don't flip out. Maybe she's busy. Maybe she's got a million things on her mind. But analyzing every little move takes all the fun out of dating, and it'll make the vibe awkward.

 

Understand that, from the guy's perspective as a male, in the end, women really do choose. They're the ones with the power. They decide if the relationship goes forward or not until it actually goees forward and becomes a relationship - then both parties are pretty much equal. That's why you don't force things. That's why you play things cool.

 

Try to be positive. By my own admission, I struggle with this one sometimes, but that's the only way to go forward. You're going to be disappointed in the dating game - accept that. You will not always attract the ones your attracted to, just as you are not always attracted to someone who is attracted to you. Accept that you'll have some failures, whether it is in terms of just dating experiences or bad relationships. And even good relationships have periods of failure within them (at least most of the ones I've seen). You have to find a way to learn from your mistakes and make yourself a better person.

[Trialbyfire]

There's some good solid advice here, if you're looking for a relationship v. an ONS or brief, solely physical relationship. Well said!

[johan]

You put a lot of time into writing that. You've been doing some serious thinking. Writing and thinking. All because you've been dating.

 

You could have used your mind to do other things, and the time you spent writing could have been spent doing other things as well. You would have saved yourself quite a bit of time and energy if you did what I do: never date.

[Yosef]

You would have saved yourself quite a bit of time and energy if you did what I do: never date.

 

Drama is overrated.

 

Well, I'll have to work on the overanalyze thing a little, and the difference between friend and friend-to-lover. I've only got general ideas, never too specific. Since I've opened up more lately, I've suddenly been amsbushed by girls, and for the first time ever that a girl every wanted to hang out with me. I never dated or hung out with girls, but I knew the signs in case the day ever came. I've met three girls so far who match "The Signs" and im so confused on what to do, lol.

[lonelybird]

do you have dating tips for ancient type woman?

[Lovegod]

Know the signs of interest. This is crucial.

 

I personally prefer to create interest instead of waiting for someone to show it.

 

It's a chance to see if there's any chemistry.

 

Again, I prefer to create chemistry instead of "seeing where things go".

 

Some women do like to take it slowly. I think this is one of the biggest myths on this and other sites. Don't freak out if you don't get a kiss on a first date and never try to force that. You are more likely to ruin a relationship in the early stages by being too pushy and making a woman uncomfortable than by waiting a bit longer to pick up the signs.

 

Ah, the first kiss! When you actually know what you're doing, the first kiss is never a problem. I've learned how to land that first kiss before dating even begins. It stems from creating interest and "chemistry". I think my record for the first kiss is about 20 minutes after I meet the woman.

 

Do understand the right amount of contact.

 

I agree with everything you stated here. I prefer to strike while the iron is hot, but keep the conversation for the date, not the phone.

 

Don't over-analyze.

 

Ah yes, the second-biggest problem dating n00bs have. (the first is putting all their eggs in one basket)

 

Understand that, from the guy's perspective as a male, in the end, women really do choose. They're the ones with the power.

 

I have to disagree with you on this one because this is NOT always the case. I've taken control of the direction the "relationship" goes in because I found that when the woman controls it, the both of us end up confused and frustrated. IMO, women do not want to control the direction of the relationship or the dates. Here's a typical conversation between a man and a woman, with the man giving the control to the woman:

 

Man: so, where do you want to go tonight?

Woman: Anywhere.

Man: Well, what would you like to do?

Woman: Anything.

Man: Well, what to you like to do?

Woman: Whatever.

 

Now, here's a conversation between a man and a woman with the man in control of the situation:

 

Man: How about we go down to Jerry's pool hall for a game of snooker, and then hit Sal's restaurant for a bit to eat?

Woman: Sure, sounds good!

 

Much simpler, don't you think? Note, when I say control, I'm not saying tell the woman what to do. I'm talking about the man being at the steering wheel, but they're both open to different ideas. The woman could easily say "I don't like Sal's restaurant" and then they could come up with other suggestions.

 

Try to be positive.

 

Agreed, and I must add to this.... Be positive and FUN when you're out with a woman.

[amerikajin]

do you have dating tips for ancient type woman?

 

You mean, an old fashioned type woman?

 

Well, I think you should stay true to yourself, lonelybird. I mean that you should be comfortable being who you are and maybe find other people like you. You're religious, right? Maybe you could find someone in a Bible study group or something like that?

[lonelybird]

You mean, an old fashioned type woman?

 

Well, I think you should stay true to yourself, lonelybird.

good one, but difficult thing is that I dont know myself quite well

 

maybe I should write my own guide line, some psychological principles, no many details in it, easy to understand and remember and apply:p