Go NC when there's a child involved?

[alasia]

Hi, some of you might remember my story - if not, here it is in brief; I'm 24, my ex Phil is 44 and we met in July last year. We had a fairly stormy relationship due to the fact Phil used to run around after another woman - driving her on errands etc. He swears nothing happened sexually and they were just friends, but it really got to me and we argued a lot. Despite this, we stupidly started talking about having a baby and 'trying' to conceive. In January Phil ended things and 4 days later I discovered I was pregnant.

Throough my pregnancy things were very up and down between us; I lived with him for 4 weeks and we got on well, he said he still hasd feelings and wanted to try again; then changed his mind a few days later. Him saying that happened a few times; in March, May and July, but each time he'd change his mind. I did some really stupid stuff during my pregnancy which led to him pursuing harassment charges against me. While these charges were being pursued, he'd tell m e he still loved me one minute, I'd fall for it then he'd change his mind. He eventually dropped the charges a week before my last court appearance (the case kept getting adjourned for one reason or another), saying I'd "calmed down" and we were now getting on, so he didn't want to pursue the charges.

 

Our son was born on August 21st and Phil has seen his son every day. He's generally been really good; he does have three other sons of varying ages from three previous relationships - all of whom he's barely or never seen, so I thought the same would be said for my son; but to my surprise, Phil has lived up to the promises he made and has been a regular influence in his life. Having said that, my son IS only three months old so it could change (although Phil says it won't).

 

As for Phil and I, well in the main we get on well. We've spent nights at each others' houses, he's great with my son, he buys nappies, milk etc whenever I need it and I've realised he's actually a nice guy. The 'good' side of him that I thought had been lost is starting to return, and I've found myself developing feelings for him again.

 

We had a chat the other day, and Phil said "I know what's going on in my head better than you do - and my heart" and "I do still have feelings for you, more than you know".

We have also slept together a few times when he's stayed the night at my house, which maybe isn't the best idea in hindsight!

P[hil is very touchy-feely with me and flirty, and a few days ago he said he loves going for wallks around the town with me and my son, because "it's the only time we feel like a proper family". He's even suggested moving in with me a few times, the last time was a couple of days ago when he said it's wasnt a bad idea and that he wouldn't be liviing in the spare room if he did move in; "me and you would be sharing a bedroom and a double bed".

 

So now I'm confused - do you think he could have genuine feelings for me, or is he just stringing me along/using me? He's seemed like he's using me so many times in the past, so my instinct is to think that he's doing the same this time. I haven't discussed the idea of us getting back together properly yet, just hinted at it (he hasn't taken the hints) - should I instigate a proper discussion about it, or just see how things develop?

The closest I've come to it is a week or so ago,when I said that if we were to get back together it would have to be before Chrsitmas; but I knew that wouldn't happen. Phil said "well you never know, there's over a month left yet". I wasn't sure if he was joking or patronising me, or being genuine.

 

I'm also not sure how to handle things generally - the better we get on and the better Phil is with our son, the stronger my feelings get and it scares me. My gut feeling is that I should back off and perhaps instigate a third-party arrangement (so that phil can still see the baby, but without me being present). I've suggested it a few times, but Phil reacts badly saying that's the last thing he'd want. I do love being around Phil and it's great when we get on well, but the problem is I'm worried my feelings will get stronger, he doesn't have any at all and won't develop any, and I'll end up hurt.

 

What should I do for the best?

Any advice/insight is appreciated, thanks

[carrotgirl]

^ Bumping up

[spookie]

Don't take this the wrong way, I am happy that you have a child that both parents seem to love, but I'm trying to figure out what posessed you to try to have a baby with a much older man who wasn't commited to you, constantly changed his mind about his feelings, and had run out on three children previously.

[alasia]

Don't take this the wrong way, I am happy that you have a child that both parents seem to love, but I'm trying to figure out what posessed you to try to have a baby with a much older man who wasn't commited to you, constantly changed his mind about his feelings, and had run out on three children previously.

 

 

Honestly? I was very naive...and dare I say it, stupid. He was the first person I'd had such strong feelings for, the majority of the time we were good together; there was just quite a bit of insecurity and jealousy on both sides that surfaced every so often, leading to arguments. The trying for a baby thing happened after my ex stopped contacting that other woman (the 'friend'). He told her that he was happy with me, comitted to me etc and she should stop contacting him, and after that we were a lot happier. He proposed and at the same time we started talking about having a baby.

 

It seemed like the right thing to do at the time, and as he was always honest with me fromt he start about his past relationships, I believed him when he said he'd stick around to see our child grow up. He didn't 'run out' on his other kids in that sense; he was married to his first girlfriend, they had a baby and then she divorced him and told him to move out. He moved 200 miles away as it was the only place he had friends to stay with. From what I can remember, he saw his son regularly for a while, then the visits slowed and the last time he saw his son was when his son was 16 (he's now 21). He also had another baby with a girlfriend about 3 years later but according to my ex and his mother, she just upped and moved back to Ireland from the UK one day, and the third child was the product of a 'casual relationship'.

 

I'm not making excuses; my ex should have been there for all of his children and I should have been a bit more eyes-open when it came to the relationship and having a baby, but now my son is here I wouldn't change him for the world, and neither would my ex

[alasia]

Ok, now for an update; Phil stayed the night at my house last night. We shared the bed, he did the 'dad thing' with our son and it was nice. We had a bit of a talk, and Phil said he'd spoken to his workmate a few days ago, but wouldn't say what about (just that it was complimentary, and about me). He told me to ask her myself what he'd said, as it was "better coming from a second person".

He ended up letting me in on what he'd said; apparently she asked how we were getting on and he said really well, then he said "(alasia) thinks I just like her as a friend but it's more than that". He also said we get on really well, he loves my company, he'd like to move in with me and the baby someday soon and that he'd like to "be a proper family", but doesn't want to rush things because of what happened in the relationship before (the problems etc).

 

I have no clue what to do now. I don't know i he really does have feelings for me and wants to get back together eventually, or even if that would be a good idea.

My gut feeling is that we should stay seperated and just friends, because of the problems in the relationship.

I do know (and I said this to Phil last night) that if we were to try again, I wouldn't even consider getting into a relationship again unless I was 100% sure we would work out, and stay together long-term. I wouldn't put my son through any upheaval.

 

At the moment it's painful for me to get one well with Phil - I love it, but at the same time I get upset because I start wishing we could try again; and I honestly don't think Phil wants that despite what he says.

 

Phil wants to take things slowly and see how things go, but should I just cut my losses and walk away - allow Phil to see our son but without me being present - or do what he says and take things one day at a time?

 

How do I tell if I'm being played or he actually has genuine feelings for me?!

[spookie]

Trust your gut. I think in this situation it has the right idea. He's changed his mind so many times before, you'll have more reason to believe he'll do it again than that he's "changed". Honestly in this situation I think third-p[erson mediation to decide how to handle parenting responsibilities is a good idea. I don't think it's healthy for him to be spending the night at yours and sleeping in your bed with you as just friends. Set up some better boundaries that still allow him to be a father and finally move on.

 

If you're convinced you need to give it one more go, I think you should get some relationship counselling. If he'd be willing to do that, to go see someone and talk about everything that's gone wrong, IMO you'd have a higher chance of making it work long-term. But, please don't let him make a fool of you again. It isn't healthy for your son to be watching all this drama.