I can't stop obsessing over him looking at women in movies and tv i am too jealous

[Trialbyfire]

And back atcha' popey. Your David argument is a better example. Better yet, the Sistine Chapel.

[Trialbyfire]

You have to remember too that sometimes it's the way a person was brought up. For example if a wife was raised by her parents that the indulgence in nudity is a sin, then her husband sees that in a movie, she would respond with that instinct she was raised with.

I understand that upbringing has much to do with how someone views the world. Is upbringing always right? Is it the only way to live your life, just as your parents taught you to? Times change.

[ElvenPriestess]

Agreed, I believe she can resolve this entire issue with communication, understanding, being on the same level. On both sides.

[ElvenPriestess]

I understand that upbringing has much to do with how someone views the world. Is upbringing always right? Is it the only way to live your life, just as your parents taught you to? Times change.

 

Ah, well received. And upbringing isn't always right, I was merely trying to point out an alternative reason that a woman might react to this topic in that manner.

[Trialbyfire]

Understood ElvenPriestess. It's the beauty of LS. Differing opinions so that the opening poster has other viewpoints. Very much food for thought.

[ElvenPriestess]

Indeed, this gives her many different insights and perspectives from which to draw an idea:)

[Phateless]

I understand that upbringing has much to do with how someone views the world. Is upbringing always right? Is it the only way to live your life, just as your parents taught you to? Times change.

 

Exactly. This is the point where independent thought is supposed to come in.

[PerfectLee]

I commented in the beginning and read all the posts thereafter, I found them all to be insightful. I'm so happy to hear that you're happier in finding ways to deal with it. I'm glad you and your H aren't arguing over it anymore. I wanted to share something with you though, I don't know if you know who Gene Simmons is but here's a link to read an article on him & his wife if you don't: http://www.genesimmons.com/pages/gsfj/2.html

 

I saw him on tv the other night talking about his relationship with Shannon, ex PlayMate and girlfriend of 23 years with 2 kids. He's not married to her and she's very curious & jealous about how he acts when she's not around. He's from the band, KISS, and he gets tons of attention from media and women. The host on tv asked him why he's not married to her & if he sleeps around behind her back, his response was "I don't want to get married, I love looking at women, but what makes me happier than anything is knowing that I get to see Shannon. I love Shannon and I don't want to change anything." I see his point of view but I also see hers. She wonders if he sleeps around or flirts heavily behind her back, he even agreed to take a lie detector test. She's a jealous person, but she says in the article "Don't get married, don't get divorced. I'm not the jealous type, really. Other than girls throwing themselves on him physically, I really don't get bothered by the attention he gets. You never know what happens when you're not there -- but leave that alone, why would you want to go there?"

 

I thought of you when I heard his response.

[armywife915]

I commented in the beginning and read all the posts thereafter, I found them all to be insightful. I'm so happy to hear that you're happier in finding ways to deal with it. I'm glad you and your H aren't arguing over it anymore. I wanted to share something with you though, I don't know if you know who Gene Simmons is but here's a link to read an article on him & his wife if you don't: http://www.genesimmons.com/pages/gsfj/2.html

 

I saw him on tv the other night talking about his relationship with Shannon, ex PlayMate and girlfriend of 23 years with 2 kids. He's not married to her and she's very curious & jealous about how he acts when she's not around. He's from the band, KISS, and he gets tons of attention from media and women. The host on tv asked him why he's not married to her & if he sleeps around behind her back, his response was "I don't want to get married, I love looking at women, but what makes me happier than anything is knowing that I get to see Shannon. I love Shannon and I don't want to change anything." I see his point of view but I also see hers. She wonders if he sleeps around or flirts heavily behind her back, he even agreed to take a lie detector test. She's a jealous person, but she says in the article "Don't get married, don't get divorced. I'm not the jealous type, really. Other than girls throwing themselves on him physically, I really don't get bothered by the attention he gets. You never know what happens when you're not there -- but leave that alone, why would you want to go there?"

 

I thought of you when I heard his response.

 

I do know who they are and I definitely appreciate that she can feel that way. However, it's kind of like saying what you don't know doesn't hurt you. I don't think so. But thank you for thinking of me

[PerfectLee]

It isn't true, in my opinion, that what you don't know won't hurt you. If your H is cheating and you don't know, it'll turn up somehow someway later on. I know it all too too well. I don't get how these 2 can be together for 23 years and she has no idea & doesn't trust what he does behind closed doors. I guess it works for them.

 

I also agree with ElvenPriestess comment about how you're brought up. My parents didn't tell me or show me it was a sin to see nudity, so to speak, but they did tell me that I was too young to see those things. I was brought up Catholic, no sex until marriage, and porn? What's porn? Never heard of it until I was 15 hanging out at a friends house while they watched it & had sex on the couch. Even though it was my 1st exposure to it, it didn't feel quite right. It was interesting....I guess. I find porn and/or nudity in movies either humorous or unnecessary to the plot of the movie. I'm a very plot-intrigued individual when it comes to picking & watching movies.

[armywife915]

It isn't true, in my opinion, that what you don't know won't hurt you. If your H is cheating and you don't know, it'll turn up somehow someway later on. I know it all too too well. I don't get how these 2 can be together for 23 years and she has no idea & doesn't trust what he does behind closed doors. I guess it works for them.

 

I also agree with ElvenPriestess comment about how you're brought up. My parents didn't tell me or show me it was a sin to see nudity, so to speak, but they did tell me that I was too young to see those things. I was brought up Catholic, no sex until marriage, and porn? What's porn? Never heard of it until I was 15 hanging out at a friends house while they watched it & had sex on the couch. Even though it was my 1st exposure to it, it didn't feel quite right. It was interesting....I guess. I find porn and/or nudity in movies either humorous or unnecessary to the plot of the movie. I'm a very plot-intrigued individual when it comes to picking & watching movies.

 

That's how I usually feel, that it is unnecessary a lot of the time. It drives me crazy because I am like, why did we need that tit shot? Seriously, and it's, like, every single movie now has it. I guess it's the way pf the world now.

[ElvenPriestess]

unnecessary is a perfect way to put it. I can't count the number of times when I said "this movie would have been just as good if not better if they hadn't bumped it up to "R" for the sole purpose of nudity.

 

I actually have read though some experts/critics on certain movies have literally said that the audience focus is "For men how have sexual fantasies about so and so." So obviously that right there just goes to show that they use boobs to boost sales. It's ridiculous. If the movie is good, it doesn't need it. If it's a bad movie, don't use nudity to mask it, just don't make the movie at all.

[Carbine]

To the OP: I totally, totally TOTALLY know how you feel. I was/am in the same boat. IMO, you can rationalise the situation all you want and it doesnt make it any better - men will swear black and blue that they don't compare you to women on tv but you know deep down that for a split second you're being measured up, and it sucks . It's just such a huge self-esteem killer isn't it? It got so bad for me when I was with my ex that we'd end up watching animated movies without women in them eg Boa Vs Python (which, btw, sucks). Personally, I think that there's no simple way to just stop being jealous - it doesn't work like that. You need to confront it head on as with all of life's problems in order to truly deal with it. My issues were about my body and I guess I was lucky - a few months ago I lost shi*loads of weight suddenly and for no reason that I could come up with. It really did help dull down those feelings of jealousy and rage but I think that the emotions will always be there inside waiting to be triggered.

[tweedle-dee]

I cannot tell you how much I related to your post! Whenever I told my bf about my feelings he used to get very upset and argue with me for endless hours. Now, I can't say anything. He tells me that I want to control him and stop him from seeing things. And it's just a body and who cares. To me, I think it's very inappropriate and I don't know why I feel disrespected when he watches it and defends it too.

 

So many times I wish I just don't feel. This really turns me off about him. And I always have to go "up" to his level of understanding. I wonder if this will ever change. All I do now is try my best to not say a word.

 

One thing though, he told me that I am messed up and no woman thinks like this. It's good to know that I can relate to someone...

[ElvenPriestess]

I cannot tell you how much I related to your post! Whenever I told my bf about my feelings he used to get very upset and argue with me for endless hours. Now, I can't say anything. He tells me that I want to control him and stop him from seeing things. And it's just a body and who cares. To me, I think it's very inappropriate and I don't know why I feel disrespected when he watches it and defends it too.

 

So many times I wish I just don't feel. This really turns me off about him. And I always have to go "up" to his level of understanding. I wonder if this will ever change. All I do now is try my best to not say a word.

 

One thing though, he told me that I am messed up and no woman thinks like this. It's good to know that I can relate to someone...

 

Wow is he in his own world. You're messed up? Yeah, ok. I'm right there with you. I don't like the whole scene of that garbage, and you know why I think men defend it? As their excuse to watch it. It's not "just a body." If it was, they wouldn't put that stuff in there in the first place! It's a violation of your feelings, your intimate life, etc. And the "You want to control him?" Been there, heard that, another lame excuse. More likely, you want your relationship to be healthy and happy. And that kind of garbage is not healthy. And defending it?? Wow, insulting! Just trust me, you are FAR from being alone on this subject.

[PerfectLee]

I must admit to something: Before my girlfriend and I (I'm a girl too, in a gay relationship) watch a movie, I can't help but to wonder "Is there going to be nudity? Is there a HOT girl in this movie? Is there an actress in this that my gf used to think is HOT?" I know...it's lame, but it's like a tape player that plays over and over again. How do you rationalize this?

 

The best answer I have is this: I take comfort in knowing that she watches these movies (not porn, just regular movies "R" rated & "MA" rated etc...) WITH ME! If she watched them behind my back, my head would probably explode. We watch them together, which makes me feel like she's not hiding anything.

 

For example, we watched "V FOR VENDETTA" the other night. I asked her "Hey...do you think Natalie Portman is HOT?" Her response was "Not in this movie...she doesn't look good naturally, but she looked good with all that make-up in Star Wars." So...would you guys be OK with this response? I was...I mean, I asked in a casual manner, I prepared myself for a possible "HELL YAH SHE'S HOT AS HELL!" and told myself that if I received an answer like that, that I wouldn't start an argument. Instead, my perception is that she has the right to an opinion, and I'm the one who brought it up, not her. It isn't fair to her if I were to start an argument just because she thinks a movie actress is HOT, whom she'll never meet. She goes to bed with me at night, she doesn't dream, fantasize or masturb*te to her, she doesn't WISH I'd go to hell just so she could be with her.

 

I hope that helps a little.

[kkthxbye]

I was uncomfortable with my new spouse's like for porn. Seeing how I flamed my ex husband in a sex chat room with women who called at all hours of the night, I was really unhappy with dealing again with the same thing.

 

Here's what I learned about my own porn phobia as it relates to some men.

 

My husband says, "I don't look at the scenes the same way you do. I use it to become aroused. Then I place you in her place, me in his place, and its us having this wild romp. Then I get new stuff I wanna try with you and its all fun from there. Why don't you try watching it with me?" So I did, and I too became aroused. Before long we were discussing our fantasies and went down a whole new road I never went down before. I know that if it bothered me that much, he wouldn't ever look at it. Not even a movie with it in there if all I did was ask.

 

But, jealousy over him seeing another woman's goodies did suck. I hated it, and I thought all sorts of things. It was for me, getting comfortable with my own sexuality, my own sensuality that opened my mind and let myself go. Soon excitement replaced that jealousy, and I realized he was watching me the whole time. He wanted to see me get aroused, and before long we didn't need to watch those things. And we don't watch them much anymore.

 

My dad hid porn from my mum for years and years. She detested it and made my dad burn his old playboys in front of us. Poor dad, he was this lustful italian flirt machine that just had no outlet for the dominating wife who probably liked it only missionary style. Its comical now that I think about it, but if you're willing to open up, relax a little bit, and learn some things about your partner, you may be surprised at what you find.

 

I hope you can work out your jealousy issue. Just remember, he's holding you, smelling you, and feeling you each time. And maybe its you he sees in those sex scenes and you just don't know it? Its kinda sweet on that level if you think about it.

[ElvenPriestess]

kkthxbye that's a good outlook, but it's hard to say which men see it that way and which don't. You're lucky to have one that does. :-)

[michaelk]

kkthxbye that's a good outlook, but it's hard to say which men see it that way and which don't. You're lucky to have one that does. :-)

 

It's a good outlook regardless of whether your man sees it that way or not.

 

Ultimately, if you not only tolerate but participate in your partner's sexual fantasizing, it'll bring him closer to you both physically and emotionally. And that's going to be good for your sex life and your relationship overall.

[ElvenPriestess]

It's a good outlook regardless of whether your man sees it that way or not.

 

Ultimately, if you not only tolerate but participate in your partner's sexual fantasizing, it'll bring him closer to you both physically and emotionally. And that's going to be good for your sex life and your relationship overall.

 

To each their own opinion, but I won't be with someone who fantasizes about someone else when he has a real live person. I don't like lust or any of that stuff. It's hormones taking over good sense and the mind. But anyways.

[michaelk]

I don't like lust or any of that stuff. It's hormones taking over good sense and the mind.

 

If you find a man who doesn't lust (i.e. have sexual desire), the good thing for you is that he won't be looking at other women. The bad thing is he won't be looking at you either.

 

I my humble opinion, either you acknowledge that you're human and that hormones are part of being human, or you set yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness, constantly fighting against your nature.

[ElvenPriestess]

If you find a man who doesn't lust (i.e. have sexual desire), the good thing for you is that he won't be looking at other women. The bad thing is he won't be looking at you either.

 

I my humble opinion, either you acknowledge that you're human and that hormones are part of being human, or you set yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness, constantly fighting against your nature.

 

I suppose I tend to think it's how one acts on those things that makes the difference.

[Trialbyfire]

I cannot tell you how much I related to your post! Whenever I told my bf about my feelings he used to get very upset and argue with me for endless hours. Now, I can't say anything. He tells me that I want to control him and stop him from seeing things. And it's just a body and who cares. To me, I think it's very inappropriate and I don't know why I feel disrespected when he watches it and defends it too.

 

So many times I wish I just don't feel. This really turns me off about him. And I always have to go "up" to his level of understanding. I wonder if this will ever change. All I do now is try my best to not say a word.

 

One thing though, he told me that I am messed up and no woman thinks like this. It's good to know that I can relate to someone...

So much of this moves from basic insecurities/gender divide to power playing.

 

Women: "If you loved me enough, you would stop looking."

Men: "If you loved me enough, you would stop trying to control me."

 

And it goes on and on and on. The less women stress and obsess about it, the less men will make it such a sticking point...

[kkthxbye]

I'll be the first to admit my naivety about how much some men really think about sex. After living with three brothers, a father, and two husbands, I'd have to say its just part of nature. So in not trying to control natural urges, I play along and try to learn something out of every situation. Thanks for the comments about my outlook.....I wasn't always this open minded.

 

Respect was something I demanded out of my partners when it came to sex. Well, I got to thinking gentlemen, how the hell can I demand respect when I don't respect your love of porn? So I dove in, and learned a lot. I don't like watching it, but what I do enjoy, is how my husband gets all fired up after seeing it. And, truthfully, just panties on a fully clothed girl is all it takes. The other stuff could be just overkill, its the allure that does it.

 

Its all in the way YOU choose to look at it. I went from ewww you are joking shut that crap off, to...O.o how the hell does she do that? Without having to take aspirin???? I was curious. And this was a part of my spouse that I wanted to know about, what is the fancy? What is he thinking? Not to control him or change his ways, but to understand why porn? And can I fill that spot for him without all these nasty money shots? (gross) The answer was, hell yeah I can. I even liked a pair of boots in one of the films and went and got a little go-go outfit. Its all in your perception-just my humble opinion.

 

So, if you're a gal who detests porn, like my mum did, there is that level of respect from your partner to find alternatives to it. I highly advise you to be creative in nurturing their sexual appetite. Not all men are this way I'm sure, but the ones I've known throughout my life fit this description-want it, want it, want it, all the time if possible plz kkthxbye.

[kkthxbye]

To each their own opinion, but I won't be with someone who fantasizes about someone else when he has a real live person. I don't like lust or any of that stuff. It's hormones taking over good sense and the mind. But anyways.

 

I can completely understand this. If my husband gave me the idea he was thinking about the stick figure hot blond he just watched on t.v. in place of my curvy hips, then he can hit the road and go find miss stix-a-lot. Since I don't try to control him watching it, I give him free reign, and he knows what my ex did to me, I don't think he would lie about his fantasies. All of them include only me-and he can't even tell me what color the girl in the movies nipples are, because all he imagines is me. I know this because my insecurities at first caused me to ask really crazy questions. Thank God we laugh about it now.

 

He can't tell you the name of the movie, the actress, or details about her, but he can quote you the exact feel of my hips and every freckle placement at his touch. Now who doesn't wanna shag after that?

 

It sounds like a load of bs, but if you saw how he can't keep his hands off me every other time, apart from his viewing pleasures, you'd understand.

 

I digress, sorry. Not controlling the issue, but learning about it was the way to go for me.