Wife is talking about a fling. (Long)

[Confused_husband]

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. The sex between us has never been stellar. In fact, most of our marriage, it has been virtually nonexistent. She just has little to no sex drive. In the beginning when we would have sex or talks about it, she would always tell me about how awesome it was with this ex-boyfriend or that ex-boyfriend. She would always find fault with me however. For the record...I have never had complaints before with any of my ex-girlfriends. To make a long story short, this morning we were talking about a tv show where coworkers were getting together for no strings attached casual sex. I asked her if she had ever thought about it and she said "yes". I asked with who and she mentioned a few ex-boyfriends. Then she said that she has thought about it with a male classmate of hers that I already knew she had the hots for. She is 35 (but looks younger) and he is in his late 20's. He is a firefighter and a paramedic, he has his pilots license, and he is going to be a Dr. They both like music, etc. She admitted to me that she would like to have hot passionate sex with him, but that was all. She could not see herself having a relationship with him. Being an idiot, I followed up with more questions.

Since our sex has never been exciting and she has admitted that she is not passionate about sex with me, I must admit to fantasizing about watching her with another guy and wanting to see her as she lets go. I told her that if that was what she wanted to do, I was ok with it as long as I got to watch, join in, or she told me about it....big mistake!! She got really upset and said that made me even less attractive to her and that she thought it was creepy. She told me that part of the fun and excitement of a fling is the other person not knowing. She told me that she loves me and that she would not actually go ahead with this, it was just a fantasy of hers. I don't know if I should believe her or not. That is what I would expect her to say, especially if she wants to do this. She is the type of woman that will get something if she really wants it and I would not be surprised if she were to do this. Now she said that it was a mistake for her to tell me about it and that she will never do that again. She thinks I am a perv for wanting to watch her and I am left wondering what if.....

 

Any suggestions as to what I can do to fix this or make the situation better? Ultimately it would be nice for the passion to be directed to me, but there are some things that need to be done first and how am I supposed to compare to Mr. Wonderful?

[whichwayisup]

Since our sex has never been exciting and she has admitted that she is not passionate about sex with me, I must admit to fantasizing about watching her with another guy and wanting to see her as she lets go. I told her that if that was what she wanted to do, I was ok with it as long as I got to watch, join in, or she told me about it....big mistake!! She got really upset and said that made me even less attractive to her and that she thought it was creepy. She told me that part of the fun and excitement of a fling is the other person not knowing.

 

She's pissed off that now she can't sneak off and have sex, hide it from you...See, you took the honest approach, and fact that you even were considering/thinking of this, just shows HOW much you love your wife.

 

Sadly and I'm sorry, but your wife needs a wake up call! She can't go off, screw some guy and then come back to you and play house. That is NOT a marriage...UNLESS you two talk about an open marriage. I bet you she wouldn't like it if you wanted to have casual sex with one of your ex's...Ask her. Seriously!

 

Marriage counselling, sex counselling..Something has to change because fact is, she isn't feeling sexual towards you and that WILL kill off the intimacy between you two...And eventually it will ruin your marriage.

 

Do you two have kids?

[White Flower]

You definitely need sex therapy. You both simply need to learn how to please each other.

 

I'm not so sure you should be suspicious of her wanting to cheat. Maybe she feels threatened by the idea of you watching her with s/o else and regrets telling you about her fantasy. Just be patient with that and try again. Try watching the soft porn you find on cable and see what she thinks about 3-somes. There are plenty on there. Not that I know a whole lot about an open marriage, but these are some ideas to consider.

 

I also heard about this place for couples interested in open marriages. www.lifestylelounge.com. Good luck.

[bish]

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. The sex between us has never been stellar. In fact, most of our marriage, it has been virtually nonexistent. She just has little to no sex drive. In the beginning when we would have sex or talks about it, she would always tell me about how awesome it was with this ex-boyfriend or that ex-boyfriend.

 

Sounds like she isn't worth 2 squirts of piss. I mean really...rub it in your face that other bf's were great in bed? What kind of tramp is this?

 

 

She would always find fault with me however. For the record...I have never had complaints before with any of my ex-girlfriends. To make a long story short, this morning we were talking about a tv show where coworkers were getting together for no strings attached casual sex. I asked her if she had ever thought about it and she said "yes".

 

Oh man...thats when you should have kicked her worthless ass to the curb. Why are you putting up with this huss?

 

 

I asked with who and she mentioned a few ex-boyfriends. Then she said that she has thought about it with a male classmate of hers that I already knew she had the hots for. She is 35 (but looks younger) and he is in his late 20's. He is a firefighter and a paramedic, he has his pilots license, and he is going to be a Dr. They both like music, etc. She admitted to me that she would like to have hot passionate sex with him, but that was all.

 

Ok...is this serious post? She admitted that to you? She have been dumped toot sweet if she said this to me.

 

 

She could not see herself having a relationship with him. Being an idiot, I followed up with more questions.

Since our sex has never been exciting and she has admitted that she is not passionate about sex with me, I must admit to fantasizing about watching her with another guy and wanting to see her as she lets go. I told her that if that was what she wanted to do, I was ok with it as long as I got to watch, join in, or she told me about it....big mistake!! She got really upset and said that made me even less attractive to her and that she thought it was creepy.

 

???? Well I was gonna say that all bets are off now that you wanted to watch her screw another guy.

 

But she got mad at you? Let me get this straight...she talks about f#cking other men in front of you...but gets mad at your suggestion?

 

I'd say the both of you have issues.

 

 

She told me that part of the fun and excitement of a fling is the other person not knowing. She told me that she loves me and that she would not actually go ahead with this, it was just a fantasy of hers.

 

Ya...bullshiit and onions. You know damn well if she had the chance to spread her legs for these guys she would.

 

 

Any suggestions as to what I can do to fix this or make the situation better?

 

there is nothing to fix....sorry, and no offense, but you are married to a real hussbag. She openly admits she wants to f#ck other guys in front of you?

 

I'd divorce her if I were you....but thats me.

[michaelk]

The one part of this that I find positive is her honesty about wanting to be with other men, and your openness to try and make that part of your shared sex life.

 

Overall, though, I have to say that you've got more than just this one incident you need to fix. It's one thing to talk about former lovers, but to compare you to them and especially to complain that you don't measure up is so disrespectful. What has she done to help the situation? Has she spent time showing you what she likes and how to please her? And has she put the effort in to make sure she's pleasing you?

 

I'd also be very concerned that she's given so much thought to having other lovers, but gets upset with you for thinking about making that part of your relationship. I mean, if she wants to have sex with another guy and you want to watch or participate in some way, that's healthy at least from the perspective that you two are sharing the experience. But what's her reaction? She calls you "creepy". As WWIU said, apparently she'd rather go do this behind your back.

 

You two have got some serious issues. She doesn't respect you, your physical intimacy is wanting, and when you try to be emotionally intimate (floating the idea that you might like to watch) she says she respects you even less!

[RecordProducer]

I honestly believe that your wife has little to no sex drive and is making all kinds of excuses to cover this fault of hers. I don't know her or you, but it doesn't sound like she is being unfaithful. I think the fantasy is even less than that. I think she would want to be passionate and fantasizes about being passionate with someone. She said the point of the fling is the forbidden fruit, which means she needs additional factors that will arouse her - because she is not really interested in sex. And when you suggested that she actually go for this, she withdrew, because she doesn't really want it. A sexually passionate woman would not compare her husband with exes or tell him that she is not attracted to him. She would try to have sex with him or with others, but your wife doesn't sound like she is interested in sex with anyone. I would forget the whole episode if I were you. I would be more concerned about her libido and try to do something about that, although people with low libido have a special talent for finding excuses and blaming the other party for their own failure.

 

Just curious, how old are you and what are your and her occupations?

[4whatItsWorth]

She told me that part of the fun and excitement of a fling is the other person not knowing. She told me that she loves me and that she would not actually go ahead with this, it was just a fantasy of hers.

 

Um...the part of the other person not knowing is defined as CHEATING. Did you mention this to her? Then it is no way a fling...a fling is when you're not with someone else...it's sooo bad she's been comparing you to her exes and told you they were better! My exes sucked badly compared to my fiancé (and he does know that though...) but even if they were better I'd never let him know - just guide him how to become better himself!

 

The fact she wouldn't want you to know, and refused your offer shows kind of she would cheat. She doesn't want you to know - she'd want to go behind your back. Watch for signs...but then again, I donät think Mr Wonderful would be into her...he could probably have any woman he wanted - and he hopefully even has higher morals than going for a married woman.

[LoisLane]

He is a firefighter and a paramedic, he has his pilots license, and he is going to be a Dr.

 

That's hot.

 

I'd tell your W off if I were you. She's probably thinking of cheating already. Get it over and done with. Cheaters have no place on this earth!

[tommyr]

So when did you last kiss your wife (like you really mean it) and whisper in her her "come to bed with me" - and what did she say to that?

 

Sounds like you have some self esteem issues, and maybe you are not being forward enough to ask her for what you want? Life is too short to wait around for your spouse to get horny - if you are thinking sex, then you need to make a move.

[Cobra_X30]

Any suggestions as to what I can do to fix this or make the situation better? Ultimately it would be nice for the passion to be directed to me, but there are some things that need to be done first and how am I supposed to compare to Mr. Wonderful?

 

Your wife is a jerk! My suggestion is to be a man and broom her!

 

I mean she complains about you in the bedroom... and refuses you constantly. F*** That!

 

Why dont you find a woman that actually loves you, cause this one doesnt, and it seems like she has trashed your self esteem!

[Scrivdog]

She's 35 and "male classmate" is in his late 20s.

Classmates where? Why the age disparity?

If there are no kids between you, bail out NOW.

Your future peace of mind will thank you. In profusions. Exponentially.

[White Flower]

She's 35 and "male classmate" is in his late 20s.

Classmates where? Why the age disparity?

If there are no kids between you, bail out NOW.

Your future peace of mind will thank you. In profusions. Exponentially.

Umm, why is it ok for you, but not his wife?

[reboot]

Umm, why is it ok for you, but not his wife?

That's pretty obvious isn't it?

[Scrivdog]

Umm, why is it ok for you, but not his wife?

If he were refusing to have sex with her and was otherwise innatentive and treating her like a platonic roommate - it would be OK. Let me know if you have any other questions, mmmkay?

[Ladyjane14]

Good grief!

 

You engaged the woman in a discussion of sexual FANTASIES... and then tried to move them into the realm of REALITY. What did you think was going to happen?

 

Of course, she's pissed off. Her intimate thoughts aren't safe to share with you.

[Scrivdog]

Good grief!

 

You engaged the woman in a discussion of sexual FANTASIES... and then tried to move them into the realm of REALITY. What did you think was going to happen?

 

Of course, she's pissed off. Her intimate thoughts aren't safe to share with you.

 

Yeah - but I don't like this thing where she tells him he's a lousy lover, doesn't want sex with him much and yet tells him how much she enjoyed the sex with her ex-boyfriends and how she would enjoy it with the guy in class. That's emotional abuse - plain and simple.

[reboot]

Yeah - but I don't like this thing where she tells him he's a lousy lover, doesn't want sex with him much and yet tells him how much she enjoyed the sex with her ex-boyfriends and how she would enjoy it with the guy in class. That's emotional abuse - plain and simple.

And inexcusable these days too. We are simply too enlightened anymore about sexuality. If a couple will be open and honest and work together there's no reason they can't satisfy each other sexually. There are too many 'marital aids' available nowadays, and if mutual satisfaction isn't happening, it's because one, or both, are just not trying. JMO.

[michaelk]

Good grief!

 

You engaged the woman in a discussion of sexual FANTASIES... and then tried to move them into the realm of REALITY. What did you think was going to happen?

 

Of course, she's pissed off. Her intimate thoughts aren't safe to share with you.

 

 

Good grief indeed!

 

She shares her sexual fantasies and what does he do? Horrible husband that he is, he's open and receptive to helping her realize them! Puh-leeze!

 

If she wants to keep her fantasies in the realm of fantasy, then all she has to say is, "Thanks for being so supportive, but I don't really want to do that."

 

But what he got instead was no recognition for being open to her fantasy, and bitch slapped for sharing his! No wonder there's no physical intimacy in this relationship - they certainly can't have any emotional intimacy when she treats him the way she does.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would seriously consider a seperation. I dont think she values you as a man or a husband and she's too childish and greedy to do so otherwise. There's no need to be confused. many people in flux of marriages wish they had they're ex lover.

 

You need to start doing things for you, working out and look attractive for yourself. And build your self esteem. It's called the 180. And bottom line what she's doing is serious emotional abuse.

 

This needs to stop, either she falls in line or she falls out of it. I would go to MC with her and get things straightened out, once the sex stops and ya'l be roomates the marriage is gonna end.

[Ladyjane14]

Michael, fantasies are fun BECAUSE they're not reality. Just like comedy... it's fun BECAUSE it's outrageous.

 

Finding out your man wants to SHARE YOU, like a piece of meat, pretty much takes all the "fun" out of it.

 

Now I agree with Scriv and Reboot that the wife's bedroom manners have been inexcusable up to this point. But two wrongs still won't make a right.

 

She's not here asking if her behavior was appropriate. He is. And IMO, it wasn't.

[michaelk]

Michael, fantasies are fun BECAUSE they're not reality. Just like comedy... it's fun BECAUSE it's outrageous.

 

If you fantasize about what it would be like to be rich, does that mean you'd turn down a million dollars should it come your way? Don't expect him to know which fantasies she would or would not like to come true without her telling him so. This is why I feel she was so unfair - it's one of those stereotypical situations where the man comes away feeling as if he was expected to be a mind reader or something.

 

Finding out your man wants to SHARE YOU, like a piece of meat, pretty much takes all the "fun" out of it.

Ok, this makes sense. Thank you! Now I see the reason for her becoming upset. But you know what? This isn't obvious - at least not to many men. There are plenty of people who would see the opportunity to add a third person to the mix as a way of jointly sharing a new sexual experience, NOT as treating their spouse like meat. So while he was clueless about what was really going on inside her head, I sympathize with him completely.

[Scrivdog]

Imagine if it were a husband telling his wife she's lousy in bed and that's wht he doesn't want to sleep with her. But his exes mmmm those were might fine! Oh and that hot babe at work - now that he'd hit in a instant (ohhhh yeahhhh)!

 

Yeah - well I doubt if the guy would get anywhere near the sympathy this ladey seems to be getting so far.

[Woggle]

Imagine if it were a husband telling his wife she's lousy in bed and that's wht he doesn't want to sleep with her. But his exes mmmm those were might fine! Oh and that hot babe at work - now that he'd hit in a instant (ohhhh yeahhhh)!

 

Yeah - well I doubt if the guy would get anywhere near the sympathy this ladey seems to be getting so far.

 

Oh of course not but you know how it is. Women always have tot think of themselves as the victims. If I were this guy I would tell her she can have a fling but he will also fling her out of his life if she does.

[Ladyjane14]

IThere are plenty of people who would see the opportunity to add a third person to the mix as a way of jointly sharing a new sexual experience, NOT as treating their spouse like meat. So while he was clueless about what was really going on inside her head, I sympathize with him completely.

 

You can't apply the male lens to the female mindset.

 

Now, of course, there exists a minority of women who would view something like that as a man would. But, that's the minority. The majority of women who enter into a monogamous relationship with a man will want that man to think of them as a treasure not to be "shared" under any circumstances. Otherwise, the emotional intimacy of the sexual relationship is lost. The meaning of sexual intimacy is lost. It's the difference between "making love" and random "f*cking".

 

But... just for future reference and in deference to your point, the better bet... is to err on the side of caution and treat your lover like your own personal treasure.

 

Speaking for myself, if I thought there were ANY circumstances in which my mate would not expect my complete fidelity... he'd no longer have it. And it wouldn't be on his terms either. It would be on mine.

[Ladyjane14]

Imagine if it were a husband telling his wife she's lousy in bed and that's wht he doesn't want to sleep with her. But his exes mmmm those were might fine! Oh and that hot babe at work - now that he'd hit in a instant (ohhhh yeahhhh)!

 

Yeah - well I doubt if the guy would get anywhere near the sympathy this ladey seems to be getting so far.

 

That's not fair, Scriv. There's NO WAY a woman could come in here and tell us she's verbally emasculated her husband and not get some REALLY negative feedback.

 

Now, you guys can continue pontificating about what a horrible bitch this woman is... and women in general (Wog)... or you can help him figure out how to address his situation. The choice is yours of course, but at the end of the day, he can't control his mate's words and actions. He can only control his own.