Wife is talking about a fling. (Long)

[Darth Vader]

OK, OK, since no one else here has suggested it, I will. Perhaps she already has been cheating, in the very least she has thought about it! The very reason she got mad, well they say anger is an admition to guilt! She may think that hubby's on to her. All in all, something's not right here! I'm smelling something!

[michaelk]

You can't apply the male lens to the female mindset.

 

But that's my point. His wife somehow expects him to apply a female lens to his own thinking, and then modify his behavior based on that. Yet she's not helping him understand what that lens is. She's just bashing him over the head.

 

Now, you guys can continue pontificating about what a horrible bitch this woman is... or you can help him figure out how to address his situation.

They need to address this communication issue. He needs to speak up for himself and not let her emotionally abuse him, and each of them needs to learn how to express their points of view in an open and receptive manner.

 

The only way they can apply the "lens" of each other's thinking is to learn what that lens is. And that's only going to happen if they talk openly.

 

They need counseling.

[JamesM]

OK, OK, since no one else here has suggested it, I will. Perhaps she already has been cheating, in the very least she has thought about it! The very reason she got mad, well they say anger is an admition to guilt! She may think that hubby's on to her. All in all, something's not right here! I'm smelling something!

 

I am with you here. That is what I thought when I first read this. We know she has thought about it, but it seems that she wants this conversation to either justify a current affair or to justify one that she is really close to starting.

[Ladyjane14]

But that's my point. His wife somehow expects him to apply a female lens to his own thinking, and then modify his behavior based on that. Yet she's not helping him understand what that lens is. She's just bashing him over the head.

 

Well, I get your point, but still, Michael... it's hard to believe that a married man would be THAT uneducated on the very basics of WOMEN. Really, imagine your own wife's reaction to a suggestion like that. Hell, imagine your mother's, your sister's, or your grandma's, if their mate proposed such to them.

 

I don't think we're talking about some mysterious, arcane stuff here.

 

 

Like I said earlier, two wrongs don't make a right. This guy needs to OWN his mistake. The fact that his wife isn't tactful in her bedroom manners doesn't negate the fact that he's made a surprisingly ill conceived error of his own.

 

Pissing her off isn't going to improve his sex life. A wife, provoked into high dudgeon, isn't likely to be very communicative. That is, unless the goal is for her to communicate via a frying pan upside his head. In that case, he's on the right track.

[bish]

Good grief!

 

You engaged the woman in a discussion of sexual FANTASIES... and then tried to move them into the realm of REALITY. What did you think was going to happen?

 

Of course, she's pissed off. Her intimate thoughts aren't safe to share with you.

 

her intimate thoughts aren't safe to share with him? then why is she making no bones about telling him who she wants to get in bed? And these aren't people that are celebrities...she is telling this guy who she'd like to bone in real life...people they know.

 

She told him about her fantasies. So for her to get mad when he suggested what he did is just plain silly.

 

Its like this...she would say something like, "boy do I wanna f#ck the next door neighbor"...but then gets mad at him saying "I wanna watch".

 

I mean come on....*rolling eyes*.

 

Actually neither of them have anything to complain about...she couldn't have been any more insensitive and untrustworthy by openly admitting who she'd like to f#ck....and he isn't much better saying he wants to watch. To each his own...but she can't complain about what he said any more than he can complain about her.

[bish]

Pissing her off isn't going to improve his sex life.

 

I wouldn't think her telling him who she'd like to spread her legs for would do much for their sex life either.

[bish]

First you say this about the guy she is describing to her H that she wants the beef injection from:

 

That's hot.

 

then you say this?

 

I'd tell your W off if I were you. She's probably thinking of cheating already. Get it over and done with. Cheaters have no place on this earth!

 

What was that? Rubbing it in his face then telling him to dump her?

[JamesM]

First you say this about the guy she is describing to her H that she wants the beef injection from:

 

 

 

then you say this?

 

 

 

What was that? Rubbing it in his face then telling him to dump her?

 

I think she was making an observation as a single female. But then she gave advice to a husband of a (possibly) cheating wife.

[bish]

Good grief indeed!

 

She shares her sexual fantasies and what does he do? Horrible husband that he is, he's open and receptive to helping her realize them! Puh-leeze!

 

If she wants to keep her fantasies in the realm of fantasy, then all she has to say is, "Thanks for being so supportive, but I don't really want to do that." .

 

Or maybe she can just shut her damn mouth the next time she feels the need to tell him how great sex is with other guys and who she wants to screw.

[bish]

Michael, fantasies are fun BECAUSE they're not reality. Just like comedy... it's fun BECAUSE it's outrageous.

 

Finding out your man wants to SHARE YOU, like a piece of meat, pretty much takes all the "fun" out of it.

 

Uh, excuse me? this woman tells her husband that she wants to f#ck another man.

 

So its ok for her to have this man by herself...but didn't want her H anywhere around when it happens....uh...ok.

 

What this woman did is go beyond fantasy...she is talking about wanting to screw a man that is readily available and a man they both know.

 

this isn't fantasy...this is an affair waiting to happen.

[bish]

I think she was making an observation as a single female. But then she gave advice to a husband of a (possibly) cheating wife.

 

Well what I saw was..."gee..no wonder she wants him and not you...he's hot!!"

 

Last thing a guy would want to hear from another female when telling his story of who his W wants to bed down is how hot the guy is she wants to bone.

 

She may not have meant it to be a slap in his face....but it sure didn't help.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think he should get a keylogger and start looking at her cell phone receipts. Usually when a SO tell you about an ex or someone of the opposite sex just a bit too much all indications prove true. That either, they thinking of cheatiing, planning to cheat, or is cheating.

 

To the OP I'm sorry but your marriage looks doomed if you cant take this by the reigns and correct the situation.

 

I've had an ex tell me I talked to my ex today. And then from there I knew it was the begining of the end. That's how it usually begins.

They compare you with other's make fantasies in their minds. Bring up bad things you done and did. Resent you. Then they start to think they want out and feel trapped.

 

If you read all these boards people who cheat follow loosely the same exact script.

 

As my people's Nas said: it aint hard to tell!

[Ladyjane14]

Uh, excuse me? this woman tells her husband that she wants to f#ck another man.

 

Did you miss the part where he asked????

 

You know, if my husband was so stupid as to pry into my fantasies and then take them literally... I'd be making up sh*t just to get his goat. That's how pissed off I'd be.

 

And if I discovered he was actually pervy enough to seriously consider sharing me out with other men... they could bury me in a Y-shaped coffin for all that. It would change my opinion of him completely. But I guarantee you, in the interim, he would NOT have the opportunity to be cheaply titillated by sexual voyeurism on my dime.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't know why you guys are so convinced this gal is cheating. All she's done is to admit that she's noticed an attractive man. That's hardly proof positive. Most marriages experience a slow-down in sexual frequency. And frankly, it's common for long-standing partners to become periodically bored.

 

It doesn't necessarily follow that this girl is cheating. If it did, we'd ALL be cheating at some point or another because we all have periods of boredom and we all notice attractive others. I think a little more evidence would be in order before conclusions are drawn.

[Scrivdog]

LJ,

 

With all due respect - she's done way more than that. She's expressing her desire to screw another guy in her class after repeatedly putting down her husband sexually.

 

I don't know for sure - but I'd say it's a possibility that this guy's self-esteem has been beaten down to the point where his willingness to let his wife screw another guy is a "perversion" borne out of being convinced that this new role is all he's good for.

 

Put on the man's lens for a second. There is virtually nothing worse in a relationship for a guy than having his SO tell him he's so lousy in bed that she longs for her ex and/or wants another guy who seems more studly.

 

The fact that this guy is at all willing to stay there much less participate in his wife's humiliating fantasies is a testament to how far this guy has fallen.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't know for sure - but I'd say it's a possibility that this guy's self-esteem has been beaten down to the point where his willingness to let his wife screw another guy is a "perversion" borne out of being convinced that this new role is all he's good for.

 

Put on the man's lens for a second. There is virtually nothing worse in a relationship for a guy than having his SO tell him he's so lousy in bed that she longs for her ex and/or wants another guy who seems more studly.

 

The fact that this guy is at all willing to stay there much less participate in his wife's humiliating fantasies is a testament to how far this guy has fallen.

 

I don't disagree with you on that AT ALL, Scriv. The woman has been inexcusably rude in her bedroom habits. But I still see two separate issues here. To my mind, the one does not mitigate the other.

 

His best bet is to address her emasculating commentary as a separate matter. He needs to let her know that her words are hurtful and that they're having a negative impact on his self-esteem and performance.

 

And as to the other... he probably ought to back-peddle his ass off, lest she believe that monogamy within the marriage is no longer meaningful to him.

[Scrivdog]

LJ,

 

I think if the guy had not been emasculated all this time, he would have responded differently. But he's been beaten doen so badly, he can't. He's lost all sense of perspective.

 

Because of this particular context, one in which she has gone out of her way to belittle her husband, - I think her comments can be seen as more than just a harmless fantasy.

[Trialbyfire]

In the beginning when we would have sex or talks about it, she would always tell me about how awesome it was with this ex-boyfriend or that ex-boyfriend. She would always find fault with me however.

I only have one question. Why did you remain in a relationship and marry someone like this? It sounds like she was abusive right out the gate.

[Ladyjane14]

Because of this particular context, one in which she has gone out of her way to belittle her husband, - I think her comments can be seen as more than just a harmless fantasy.

 

We've only got one side of the story though. We don't know the surrounding circumstances of the commentary. Perhaps we're seeing hyper-sensitivity on his part in response to his wife's flagging libido. Heck, if you ask a radically honest woman if you're the best she's ever had, and you aren't... you might not get the answer you were hoping for.

 

We constantly recommend to women that they tell their mates what they like sexually, but it's a bit of a minefield when we put it into practice, isn't it?

 

 

As to the business of moving fantasy into reality... as a separate issue, the guy has trod on a pile here. He can either scrape it off his shoe, or try to ignore the stink in the room. This is a side topic and a distraction from the main problem, because...

 

The sexual needs of the relationship are clearly NOT being met. There's a lack of frequency, a lack of mutual satisfaction, and a lack of confidence. White Flower, I believe, suggested sex therapy. I don't think it's a bad idea if this couple hopes to stay together.

[White Flower]

If he were refusing to have sex with her and was otherwise innatentive and treating her like a platonic roommate - it would be OK. Let me know if you have any other questions, mmmkay?

 

Mmmkay. Hopefully you'll show up to answer them.

 

I guess I interpreted OP's post differently. Sure, she could have a low libido problem as RecordProducer suggested, but just maybe the W in this case is truly unsatisfied with her H? (Sorry, OP). Maybe the previous b/fs were better. I wouldn't have said it that way to my H because that is very insensitive, but I would have found a way for him to improve his touch with me.

 

And I still don't think she means to cheat. It would be really stupid of her to admit that up front and I'm sure she knows that.

[White Flower]

We've only got one side of the story though. We don't know the surrounding circumstances of the commentary. Perhaps we're seeing hyper-sensitivity on his part in response to his wife's flagging libido. Heck, if you ask a radically honest woman if you're the best she's ever had, and you aren't... you might not get the answer you were hoping for.

 

We constantly recommend to women that they tell their mates what they like sexually, but it's a bit of a minefield when we put it into practice, isn't it?

 

 

As to the business of moving fantasy into reality... as a separate issue, the guy has trod on a pile here. He can either scrape it off his shoe, or try to ignore the stink in the room. This is a side topic and a distraction from the main problem, because...

 

The sexual needs of the relationship are clearly NOT being met. There's a lack of frequency, a lack of mutual satisfaction, and a lack of confidence. White Flower, I believe, suggested sex therapy. I don't think it's a bad idea if this couple hopes to stay together.

I have seen shows on sex therapy where couples get naked with a therapist standing nearby and directing them. I think this would be an excellent idea for this couple. I just don't know of any referrals, unfortunately.

[Scrivdog]

And I still don't think she means to cheat. It would be really stupid of her to admit that up front and I'm sure she knows that.

 

Well, she appears to have zero respect for him, so that may be a non-issue. In fact, the OP himself seems to think that she may well do that since she's the type to "get what she wants".

[michaelk]

Well, I get your point, but still, Michael... it's hard to believe that a married man would be THAT uneducated on the very basics of WOMEN. Really, imagine your own wife's reaction to a suggestion like that. Hell, imagine your mother's, your sister's, or your grandma's, if their mate proposed such to them.

 

All I know is that my wife wouldn't react like that. I guess I'm glad that SHE was never educated in the "basics of women."

[michaelk]

The fact that this guy is at all willing to stay there much less participate in his wife's humiliating fantasies is a testament to how far this guy has fallen.

 

The idea that his fantasy of watching her with another man shows he's been beaten down is ridiculous. There are plenty of people who are into watching, and plenty of men who are secure enough to bring others into their sexual relationship. Maybe it's as simple as him being bi? Not uncommon at all...

[Ladyjane14]

All I know is that my wife wouldn't react like that. I guess I'm glad that SHE was never educated in the "basics of women."

 

Did you ask her then???

 

You said she "wouldn't react like that" as if you'd never put her to the question. I'm curious as to how it goes if you SERIOUSLY ask her, maybe even suggest a few guys she can do it with while you watch, that is... if she doesn't have her own short-list.