Wife is talking about a fling. (Long)

[michaelk]

Did you ask her then???

 

You said she "wouldn't react like that" as if you'd never put her to the question. I'm curious as to how it goes if you SERIOUSLY ask her, maybe even suggest a few guys she can do it with while you watch, that is... if she doesn't have her own short-list.

 

We've talked about guys she finds attractive, and I've asked her if she'd seriously want to do it with one of them. I've told her that I'm open to at least considering it, but I think it's more of a curiosity for her than something she's really set on doing. And I think she's scared to follow through, too. We've also talked about her watching while I do it with someone else. I told her I'd only be interested in that if she participates - that way it'll be a shared experience. Plus I think there's a little bit of bi in her! But again, while she's curious I don't think she's got the nerve to do it. And I'm okay with that. At least I can talk to her about it, and there's no defensiveness or jealously there, or loss of respect. She's really great in that way.

[White Flower]

First you say this about the guy she is describing to her H that she wants the beef injection from:

 

 

 

then you say this?

 

 

 

What was that? Rubbing it in his face then telling him to dump her?

We finally agree on something.

[Ladyjane14]

We've talked about guys she finds attractive, and I've asked her if she'd seriously want to do it with one of them. I've told her that I'm open to at least considering it, but I think it's more of a curiosity for her than something she's really set on doing. And I think she's scared to follow through, too. We've also talked about her watching while I do it with someone else. I told her I'd only be interested in that if she participates - that way it'll be a shared experience. Plus I think there's a little bit of bi in her! But again, while she's curious I don't think she's got the nerve to do it. And I'm okay with that. At least I can talk to her about it, and there's no defensiveness or jealously there, or loss of respect. She's really great in that way.

 

 

Talking about it but being too scared to actually go through with it would be within the realm of Fantasy. A whole different arena than telling your bride... "Hey, I get my jollies by watching another guy f*ck my wife."

 

At the least though... you managed not to blow a gasket at the fact she acknowledged other men to be attractive, so that's something.

 

But hey, let's see you put your money where your mouth is and go put a SERIOUS proposition to her... one that can't be dismissed as fantasy, one where she KNOWS you really don't care if she's f*cking other guys. And let's not ruin our little experiment by trying to get a little extra coochie in the mix.

It needs to be a MAN, not a chick.... otherwise, it's not a fair test.

 

 

Just my opinion, but a man ought to be careful when he minimizes the importance of monogamy within marriage. It's just a hop, skip, and a jump to not being invited to "watch".

[bish]

Did you miss the part where he asked????

 

Nope, I didn't miss it at all...and it doesn't matter.

 

This "woman" told her H WITHOUT HIM ASKING HER that he was terrible at sex and her exes were phenomenal. Did you miss that???

 

And so what about him asking about her , fantasies...if she would have said, "man that Brad Pitt is hot, I'd do him"....thats one thing.

 

Telling him she'd like to f#ck a man that is accessible is quite another.

 

Defend this behavior all you want....its deplorable.

[White Flower]

The idea that his fantasy of watching her with another man shows he's been beaten down is ridiculous. There are plenty of people who are into watching, and plenty of men who are secure enough to bring others into their sexual relationship. Maybe it's as simple as him being bi? Not uncommon at all...

I know some couples who do this and they are perfectly happy doing it. It's not my lifestyle, but I can respect others who follow it. The original couple are committed to each other no matter who joins them in bed. So far, so good. I'm not that confident, but there are many who are.

[bish]

I don't know why you guys are so convinced this gal is cheating. All she's done is to admit that she's noticed an attractive man. .

 

Uh wrong....she said she wants to have sex with a classmate of hers...it wasn't just a matter of noticing an attractive man.

 

If your man said, "I want to have sex with a coworker" and meant it...you'd be ok with that I guess?

[tommyr]

Hey, I get my jollies by watching another guy f*ck my wife.

 

This is actually a fetish about which wikipedia says:

 

Cuckoldry refers to couples wherein the female is dominant and she takes on additional partners, while the male takes on a submissive role where he is monogamous to her, or only becoming involved sexually when it is felt to be emotionally supportive of her and her lover, or remaining altogether chaste.

[Virgo1982]

I would seriously consider a seperation. I dont think she values you as a man or a husband and she's too childish and greedy to do so otherwise. There's no need to be confused. many people in flux of marriages wish they had they're ex lover.

 

You need to start doing things for you, working out and look attractive for yourself. And build your self esteem. It's called the 180. And bottom line what she's doing is serious emotional abuse.

 

This needs to stop, either she falls in line or she falls out of it. I would go to MC with her and get things straightened out, once the sex stops and ya'l be roomates the marriage is gonna end.

 

Childish was a good way to describe her. I think she became upset because she wanted to make you jealous (emotional abuse) and when you showed no signs of being jealous or offended, she was angered.

 

I agree with the men. Before you know it, the years will have gone by and you'll be telling us how you want to leave, but your kids...

 

Save yourself the heartache and find someone better.

[michaelk]

Talking about it but being too scared to actually go through with it would be within the realm of Fantasy.

 

My W may have been fantasizing, but I was perfectly serious when I told her I'd consider that if she wanted it. She knew that. So it's no different than when OP said the same to his W. Yet he got what I consider to be an immature reaction, and one which punishes him for being open. This is the exact opposite of what they need.

 

At the least though... you managed not to blow a gasket at the fact she acknowledged other men to be attractive, so that's something.

Why would I? It's natural for people to look around and find others attractive. I'm open with her about finding other women attractive, too. But that doesn't mean we're going to start f**king around indiscriminately, or leave each other.

 

Hell, we even make a game out of it! We people-watch and point out who we find attractive, what's sexy about them, etc.

 

...one where she KNOWS you really don't care if she's f*cking other guys.

I never said I don't care if she's f*cking other guys. If it's something she decides she really wants, I care very much about how it's done - if it even IS done. We would both have to agree on who, when, what the ground rules are and I would have to retain veto power. If I'm uncomfortable at any point, it shouldn't go forward. Plus it would have to be a joint sexual experience in some way, because it's going to be damaging if one partner finds themselves outside the circle of intimacy. I've never really had an interest in watching, but I'm open enough to consider trying it once - if it's what she really wants. After all, she's seriously offered to watch me with someone else before, so the least I can do is to be open to the possibility.

[michaelk]

I know some couples who do this and they are perfectly happy doing it. It's not my lifestyle, but I can respect others who follow it. The original couple are committed to each other no matter who joins them in bed. So far, so good. I'm not that confident, but there are many who are.

 

Good point, and I respect your attitude.

[bish]

Childish was a good way to describe her. I think she became upset because she wanted to make you jealous (emotional abuse) and when you showed no signs of being jealous or offended, she was angered.

 

I agree with the men. Before you know it, the years will have gone by and you'll be telling us how you want to leave, but your kids...

 

Save yourself the heartache and find someone better.

 

Virgo...I agree 100%!!!!

[Mustang Sally]

I'd also have to agree with the men on this one.

 

Look.

Maybe the OP isn't that great of a lover as far as his W is concerned, who knows? I mean, it DOES happen, guys.

 

BUT. She should not be using such hurtful emotional manipulation on him. Hitting him in one of the (if not THE) most vulnerable spots for just about anybody...

<shaking head sadly>

 

It sounds to me like she's really trying to cut him to the core.

NOT ok, in my book.

I've been there, done that (as the receiver) and it ain't nice.

 

A better way would be for partners to work TOGETHER, towards the mutual satisfaction of BOTH, of course.

 

OP, you might try to engage your W in working together on this problem. If you can't, then I agree that it might be wise to move on.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Childish was a good way to describe her. I think she became upset because she wanted to make you jealous (emotional abuse) and when you showed no signs of being jealous or offended, she was angered.

 

I agree with the men. Before you know it, the years will have gone by and you'll be telling us how you want to leave, but your kids...

 

Save yourself the heartache and find someone better.

 

There is gonna be someone better out there for this guy, his wife is a complete bitch and if she doesnt change then what's the point of staying married. I would seriously go and see a lawyer if just to find out your rights and keep an eye on her.

 

There's too much circumstantial evidence sitting right in your face. Trust me if your gut says she's doing something bad, then most likely there is.

[Virgo1982]

Virgo...I agree 100%!!!!

 

Yes, I believe in forgiveness and honesty, but she is purposely trying to hurt him.

 

How do you ask someone to stop hurting you intentionally?

 

LEAVE THEM!!!

[bish]

I'd also have to agree with the men on this one.

 

Look.

Maybe the OP isn't that great of a lover as far as his W is concerned, who knows? I mean, it DOES happen, guys.

 

BUT. She should not be using such hurtful emotional manipulation on him. Hitting him in one of the (if not THE) most vulnerable spots for just about anybody...

<shaking head sadly>

 

Exactly...and if she is that damn unhappy about him being not as good as her past lovers and feels the need to berate him about it, then for gods sake she should get a divorce so she can have wonderful sex with whoever the hell she wants.

 

Actually, this guy should just do it for her and divorce her. She is unworthy of any good man.

[Darth Vader]

I don't know why you guys are so convinced this gal is cheating. All she's done is to admit that she's noticed an attractive man. That's hardly proof positive. Most marriages experience a slow-down in sexual frequency. And frankly, it's common for long-standing partners to become periodically bored.

 

It doesn't necessarily follow that this girl is cheating. If it did, we'd ALL be cheating at some point or another because we all have periods of boredom and we all notice attractive others. I think a little more evidence would be in order before conclusions are drawn.

 

 

It's her manurisms, the way she said things, coveyed herself, blurted stuff out, given that the info is legit. You can't entirely rule it out, because she has thought about it. To me, she's trying to find a reason to cheat, to justify it.