2 Weeks of No Contact and Thanksgiving coming up which I was there the past 5 years

[BrianG]

I have been reading other posts for the past month and its really helped reading other peoples advice and knowing that Im not alone. Well if you have read my previous posts I was given a second chance and I blew it again with the love of my life (me 29, her 26). We were together for 5 years and she moved out about a month ago and we have been NC for the past 2 weeks, which I absolutely hate and its so hard everyday not picking up the phone and calling her, but I have told her that i was really sorry and that I loved her and that I wanted to work things out, but she would get angry when i would bring up working things out so this is where we stand and I have to respect that.

 

I have spent the past 5 years with her and her family on Thanksgiving and I have been incredibly depressed knowing that this year will be different and without her. Everybody i know has been telling me that i made my bed and I need to lie in it, but every part of my being (heart, mind, body, soul) is telling me that its not too late to make things right and to do whatever it takes. I have been seing a counselor to help me through this in addition to working on some character flaws/behavior that led to her breaking up with me. I know/guess that i just have to let go and move on with my life but it has been so incredibly difficult. I have had a very difficult life, but this has been the hardest thing in my life that I have faced. I have taken responsibility for my actions and I have dedicated myself and spent this time constructively reflecting on my mistakes and learning from them so that they never happen again, but the regret of losing her consumes me on a daily basis. Everyday i cry coming home to the apartment that we got together. I did not want to move here, but I did so for her so we could progress to the next step and because it was closer to her school. I hate this feeling inside me, a major part of my soul is missing. This women is my best friend and I wanted this women to be my wife and life partner and I screwed it up and its all gone. I dont have a lot of friends and when i was upset i would talk to her and now I cant and I just need to vent. I guess I was suffering from the grass is greener syndrome, and boy how wrong I was.

 

I keep feeling that there has to be something that I can do like talking to her friends/family or something, but i guess this one is out of my control and I just have to accept that and eventually move on.

 

This just sucks and i am going to be turning 30 soon and the only person i really want to be there on my bday is her and we probably wont ever speak again. Never taking anyone or anything for granted anymore.

[carrotgirl]

Brian, no need to be alone and miserable on Thanksgiving. You can bop on over to LS and have company of the miserable and not miserable varieties as you please.

 

My 30th and the days leading up were surprising times for me what with getting dumped the week before. I mostly spent the day in quiet meditation. But I can tell you the hurt of those days is long forgotten and so far, the beginning of my 4th decade is really okay!

 

Better than okay even.

 

Carrot

[Jmina]

Thats right carrotgirl.

 

Brian G, i claimed this year to be the worst of my life, oh the pain i felt! i know exactly how you feel, to have your heart broken your soul tortured, your body aching for your ex, your mind always searching.

 

I went through my birthday and a few other special days without her, it was hard but i still got through it, and gained a bit of strength.

 

I have now realised, that actually this has been the best year of my life and the pain is fading away. the best year because i used the heartbreak to make the healing all about me and to get me back on track again not only with my broken heart but everything else about me that needed some tending to. now i am better than ever and i am strong enough to deal with the fact that shes gone.

 

you will be able to do that too.

 

You see people moving on everyday after someone has died, after time they get their lives back together and they are happy again. it doesnt take away from the fact that they still miss their loved one and shed a tear here and there, but they do recover. Just like the broken hearted do if they can gather their thoughts each time it gets to hard and release it some how - writing, crying, music, etc. then find some new direction until the next hit comes, then the hits come few and far between. i dont agree with it gets a little bit everyday because some days are worse than others by far a few months into the healing but i do agree with that over time IF you help yourself it gets very easy. much bareable. I dont agree that time will solve the problems though. not at all. we need time to help ourselves but we dont need time just by itself.

 

you are at the very very early stages of NC, so its going to be really hard on you. be kind to yourself by not beating yourself up. if you have questions write them down, maybe put yourself in her shoes. it might shed some light on some unanswered questions. once you have cleared your mind abit make sure you make time to then decide what your going to do foryourself whether it is emotional or physical - make a list of what your greatful for/go to the gym. in this time make sure she is nothing but a passing thought.

 

make it about you hun!

 

Jmina.

 

p.s. you will get through thanksgiving. in the end you will have a lot to be greatful for from this. yuo just cant feel it yet

[BrianG]

thank you jmina and carrot. I have my good days and bad and my mind/heart are becoming a little bit more clearer. Is there anything I can do though? or is the ball pretty much in her court as far us ever reconciling? and should I just continue to stay in no contact? I still feel everyday that there is something that I can do because as each day passes I feel her slipping away further and further. I read all these posts about giving her the power, etc. if i write her a letter, or email, etc. which i think is a bunch of crap because who cares who has the power if you both love each other very much. But in her case she has not contacted me either so she wants to go on her journey of life without me and I guess i have to do the same. Why is that we sometimes dont know what we have until its gone? I have fought so hard for everything in my life and its killing me just sitting on my hands on this one, but I guess i need the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, and the courage to changes the things I can.

[cj1988]

Brian, I am sorry you are hurting. I too have been going through pain for a year now and we do live together. You mentioned that somehow in your heart you know it can work, trust me it will not. When someone has been hurt they change and they are not will not be the same person again, WITH YOU. They move on and are in some ways the same, but will never be the same between you. So, please take this as a way to get to know you again and do not get stuck TRYING to make something work when the other has already checked out !

 

I am doing MUCH better and feel better now that I realize how much I love my H (he cheated) and how much I wish it could work, it is not going to happen. He has no problem living the life we are living, but I am not happy so I have chosen to move on FOR ME !