Why I come to these forums...

[dbtmarley]

I need help bad. Hard for me to admit, but sometimes I think I am meant to be alone. No I am not going to start a whoa is me thread... or how I have been a victim because part of me knows what happened in my past, is happening in my present, or will happen in the future is of my doing. Whether it had to do with my judgement or my actions I was in control.

 

The thing is my past is hurting my marriage. What I mean is I let what other people have done affect what I think will happen now. Does that make sense? Sounds crazy I bet.

 

I just do not know how to stop these thoughts that no matter how good it is she will eventually hurt me. She has been an awesome girlfriend, wife, lover, best friend... a person who can even understand my fears of... well some of you know what I fear because i mention it all the time here... every chance I get, which I think is kinda sick of me also.

 

I am weak when it comes to my thoughts.. or would that be called something, maybe I'm bipolar. All I know is I am so tired of possibly making someone resent me... secretly... All I want is for her to be happy and of course me too.

 

Why do I come to these forums? Because I want so bad to stop pushing those I care about away from me. The only guys here I find myself to be like are the insecure ones. They are the only ones I find similarities with I mean.

 

Maybe this is just a rant of the day for me... no I can't fool anyone, I'm screwing up things and don't know why. Does any of this even make sense? I'm thinking not...lol.

[Kasan]

I just do not know how to stop these thoughts that no matter how good it is she will eventually hurt me. She has been an awesome girlfriend, wife, lover, best friend... a person who can even understand my fears of... well some of you know what I fear because i mention it all the time here... every chance I get, which I think is kinda sick of me also.

 

Some of us have awful pasts--really awful--and it's very easy to get caught up in thinking that we don't deserve to be happy--that the one we love is going to turn around and crush, betray, and rake us over the coals. It makes us all human.

 

But, because we are human, we are capable of learning from the mistakes that we have made in the past. We choose better partners, we become better partners, because we have grown and learned with every horrible relationship we have had.

 

You can choose to stay stuck in your "past" thinking, or you can pinch yourself and say how did I ever get this lucky to have found this woman to have this family with. You don't want your negative thoughts have this become a self fulfilling prophesy....after all, isn't marriage a leap of faith?

 

I know that your past has been horrible--but you are in a much better place in your life now--so sit back and just enjoy what you have--one Woggle on the board is enough, even though he is starting to change his thinking.

 

Maybe, another reason you are feeling like this, is because you are a bit sleep deprived from your beautiful baby. Are you feeling okay?

[Mz. Pixie]

Some of us have awful pasts--really awful--and it's very easy to get caught up in thinking that we don't deserve to be happy--that the one we love is going to turn around and crush, betray, and rake us over the coals. It makes us all human.

 

 

 

I agree with Kasan here. I can relate to the way you feel OP. I have felt the exact say way in my marriage.

 

Hang in there!

[dbtmarley]

Sitting back and just enjoying myself is what I am having a hard time with. It seems when things are going really great is when I get extremely fearful... Almost like, "Oh boy I am extremely vulnerable if I am this happy."

 

We are both a bit sleep deprived because of our little precious bundle of joy, but you know we both aware of the crankiness caused by that and don't even argue over little things. Things around the house get done when either of us can get to them....

 

Kasan so much of what you wrote rings true and I know it, but I wonder how on earth I can get back to just being happy. Happy without impending doom as a side thought. It just sucks royally and I feel like I am going to screw this up beyond repair..

 

I think I scare her... not in the physical or imposing kind of way. No.. I scare her because I might not be able to handle being loved and just settle for being alone.

[Kasan]

Kasan so much of what you wrote rings true and I know it, but I wonder how on earth I can get back to just being happy. Happy without impending doom as a side thought. It just sucks royally and I feel like I am going to screw this up beyond repair..

 

I think I scare her... not in the physical or imposing kind of way. No.. I scare her because I might not be able to handle being loved and just settle for being alone.

 

You get back to being happy by making a conscious choice to do so and not letting negative thoughts sabotage your thinking.

 

I think what is really positive is that you are aware and are afraid that you will "screw this up". So do what you have to do to make sure that you don't. Maybe it means counseling, heart to hearts with your wife, whatever it takes.

 

How many of us can really handle being loved unconditionally? We worry whether or not we are worthy of this love, whether will we do something to screw it up, so we self sabotage. Unconditional love is an awesome responsibility, and I have found a blessing.

 

Some of us never find this unconditional love, even though we can look for a lifetime. You can wait for the other shoe to drop or you can be proactive by deciding that you are going to give back what you receive, and before you know it, all those negative thoughts are no longer there.

 

One day at a time.

[amaysngrace]

no I can't fool anyone, I'm screwing up things and don't know why. Does any of this even make sense? I'm thinking not...lol.

 

Dude I was where you are now just last week. So you make perfect sense to me.

 

Somewhere somehow you were made to believe you are unworthy. That you don't deserve to be happy. That you are no good.

 

You need to challenge that belief.

 

When did you first think this? How old were you? Who made you feel that way?

 

In reality are you a great guy? Do people like you? Do you like people? So is this thing you think about yourself a false belief?

 

...uh...yeah...

 

This belief is your protection from hurt. It is also your blockage to happiness.

 

You can't pretend it's not there. Because you know it very much is and pretending won't help you anymore than it's helped you before.

 

So face it. See it for what it is. Recognize you developed it at a very early age so you probably lacked good judgment when you first thought it.

 

Seriously...give it some thought.

 

XO

[Blue Eyed Brain]

DBTMarley:

 

I think your great. I've read many of your posts in the past months and you have a great sense of humor and you seem sensitive. (Especially like the post from "going down on a girl."

 

You need to look in the mirror and see the man you are, not the man you feel you are right now. He's there, just look closer - the best things in life are in front of our face, but we need to see it.

 

If that doesn't work - we'll find a local LS and come kick the sh*t out of you......

[Storyrider]

This will pass. Having an infant will make you feel nuts. It does change and it does get better. But yeah, it will scare the sh*t out of you and make you want to run for the hills. My kids are 4 and 8 and I have to fight that urge every day. But it doesn't mean you're actually crazy, it means you're human.

 

I would say more but I have to go to a therapy appointment right now, ha ha.

[dbtmarley]

Amaysngrace,

 

You are right and I know this stems from further back than even my problems from my previous marriage.

 

Blue eyed,

 

Ass whoopin use to straighten me out as a kid... it probably wouldn't hurt, but the wife would need a 2 x 4 to be totally effective..

 

Story,

 

I hope you are I absolutely 100% correct... I hope my fears do not cause her to lose confidence in me.

 

 

I do know I need to talk to someone. I was diagnosed with distymia and never got help for it. That was 19 years ago... maybe it's time. I just recently looked up what distymia was and was shocked at what I read. The definition was me.. how scary!

 

I appreciate everyones feedback here.. All of you have been right on base about every thing.

[dbtmarley]

 

I would say more but I have to go to a therapy appointment right now, ha ha.

 

 

Ask the therapist if he takes Blue Cross Blue Shield for me...lol.

[JamesM]

This will pass. Having an infant will make you feel nuts. It does change and it does get better. But yeah, it will scare the sh*t out of you and make you want to run for the hills. My kids are 4 and 8 and I have to fight that urge every day. But it doesn't mean you're actually crazy, it means you're human.

 

I would say more but I have to go to a therapy appointment right now, ha ha.

 

This is so true, and it does pass...sorta.

 

I can say that after four I still think once in awhile of what can go wrong, what I can do wrong, or what we will do wrong. If I think of all of the possible scenarios in the future, then my stomach will tie up in knots. Best thing to do is to take it one day at at time. I am not sure what is in your past, but your past does not determine your future...you do. And yes, counseling can be a tremendous help.

 

BTW, what is distymia? My google search came up with "mild depression." Is there more to it than that?

[Trialbyfire]

dbtmarley, I don't know your background so bear with me if I'm off-target.

 

As a child, you weren't in control of your life. As a teenager, you would have been driven by a million changes in your mind, body, therefore, emotionally. As a young adult, you slowly learned that you could control yourself and your environment. You're now a father of a miracle baby who is reliant on you for everything and in future, will return your unstinting love.

 

You can and will control who you are and what you will do. Only you are responsible for yourself and your own actions. Realize this but from a positive perspective. You can drive your life and do well for your family. You can make the difference. Know it and revel in it.

 

We all make mistakes in life. It's how you handle your mistakes that define you as a person. Take responsibility for your mistakes but don't self-flagellate. It does no good. Learn and move on from mistakes. It's called life experience.

[dbtmarley]

BTW, what is distymia? My google search came up with "mild depression." Is there more to it than that?

 

 

It is a mild depression, but one that should have been dealt with years ago... however thats done I mean. From what I've read it can progress into something more severe.. Manic depression and such. I'm not necessarily saying this is the case, although I do wonder if it plays a part.

 

 

You can and will control who you are and what you will do. Only you are responsible for yourself and your own actions. Realize this but from a positive perspective. You can drive your life and do well for your family. You can make the difference. Know it and revel in it.

 

Trialbyfire,

 

I do need to realize this... from a positive perspective especially. Thanks for the response.. it was right on target.

[b0iiana]

Yeah thats true, dont blame yourself like I do... Im deeply depressed and sometimes ask god "why me?" even though I dont actually believe in Him... Sometimes I think that I deserve it and stuff.. Actually most of the time, but the very few times I think maybe were special? So I think you are special and lucky because you have a wonderful woman who you truly love and I think im just gonna wait for my fate aye...

Some of us have awful pasts--really awful--and it's very easy to get caught up in thinking that we don't deserve to be happy--that the one we love is going to turn around and crush, betray, and rake us over the coals. It makes us all human.

 

But, because we are human, we are capable of learning from the mistakes that we have made in the past. We choose better partners, we become better partners, because we have grown and learned with every horrible relationship we have had.

 

You can choose to stay stuck in your "past" thinking, or you can pinch yourself and say how did I ever get this lucky to have found this woman to have this family with. You don't want your negative thoughts have this become a self fulfilling prophesy....after all, isn't marriage a leap of faith?

 

I know that your past has been horrible--but you are in a much better place in your life now--so sit back and just enjoy what you have--one Woggle on the board is enough, even though he is starting to change his thinking.

 

Maybe, another reason you are feeling like this, is because you are a bit sleep deprived from your beautiful baby. Are you feeling okay?