race Posted May 25, 2003 Share Posted May 25, 2003 Hi, Background: My girlfriend and I broke up last fall after dating for about 2 years. She was busy with school and didn’t have time for relationship. I was heartbroken and had a hard time accepting that she couldn’t / didn’t want a boyfriend. I tried to talk to her and make things work but it was no use. She didn’t want a boyfriend. She didn’t want me. I realized that in order to feel better I would have to cut off contact with her for a while and I did. Every once in a while I would get emails from her saying that she hadn’t forgotten about me and that she thought about me every day. When her birthday came around I dropped off a present to her house. She called to thank me and invited me to her bday party. I refused and said that it would be better to go for drinks together first. She agreed. We met up for drinks and things went well. We caught up had a few laughs and she gave me a hug goodbye. Now: Since meeting for drinks (the first time we’d seen each other in 4 months) she hadn’t called. I got in contact with her online. She said she was depressed. That nobody called her and that she had no friends. I told her she could call me now. She replied that she didn’t call me because of her past. That I reminded her of how happy her life used to be. Also, she’s thinking of moving to a different city. That freaked me out. You see, I want her back and have been playing it cool so far. I’m unsure of where she stands with her feeling towards me. She’s done school and was inviting me to her birthday party and out for drinks. Now she’s telling me that seeing me is hard because it reminds her of how happy her life use to be. What should I make of all this? I want to get back with her but how do I bring it up? Does she want me back? I’m getting mixed signals and am getting confused. Any help is more than welcome. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author race Posted May 28, 2003 Author Share Posted May 28, 2003 can't anybody offer some advice? i'm totally confused as to how to deal with this girl. Link to post Share on other sites
blue_eyed_girl Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 If she is maintaining contact with you, she is still interested at least in having a friendship with you. Right now, it sounds like she needs friends a lot more than she needs a boyfriend. She may be concerned that investing herself emotionally, as she would if she had a boyfriend, may be risking further unhappiness. If you prove that you can meet her needs without asking anything more than her friendship in return, you will prove to her that you really care about her, and she is bound to respond positively to that. Once you have met her needs as a friend (I would say at least 3 months from now), then you can try to win her affection. Make some big romantic gesture. Send a dozen yellow roses or take her out for a romantic evening or paint her a picture or do whatever it is you are best at. Don't push too hard. Let her tell you when she is ready. Be genuine. If you don't care about her as a friend, you don't care enough to be more than friends, and you should be man enough to walk away, no matter how much it hurts you. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 and you may get better insight into her than we can. You stated, "She said she was depressed. That nobody called her and that she had no friends. I told her she could call me now." If she broke it off with you, then accept that for face value. If you both decided it was off, then perhaps. But she's indicated in everyway that she isn't interested. Don't you think she would have chosen happiness WITH you, instead of without you, if that's what she wanted? I'm surprised you are still available since last fall. However, if both of you have been sitting around since last fall waiting on each other, then perhaps you need to make a move. But somebody has to step up to the plate and take a swing and ask the questions... I guess you didn't get a lot of responses here because only she can answer this question.... Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author race Posted May 28, 2003 Author Share Posted May 28, 2003 thanks guys, the thing is we've already gone out once as friends. things went well. we caught up and had a few laughs. but then three weeks passed without hearing from her. i got in touch with her on messenger and she told me that she hadn't called because seeing me is hard etc... i've put no pressure on her to get back together since the fall. the thing is, she's thinking of moving at the end of the summer. we had plans for saturday but she didn't invite me out when i called. she said we should meet on sunday and that i should call her. i called her on sunday and she cancelled. she said she was tired and didn't have any money but that we should get maybe get together on tues or wednesday. well, its wednesday and sure enough i haven't heard from her. why did she bother telling me she missed me over the winter and invite out and want to meet only to make herself unavailable again? i'm confused. Originally posted by blue_eyed_girl If she is maintaining contact with you, she is still interested at least in having a friendship with you. If you prove that you can meet her needs without asking anything more than her friendship in return, you will prove to her that you really care about her, and she is bound to respond positively to that. Once you have met her needs as a friend (I would say at least 3 months from now), then you can try to win her affection. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 so this is much clearer as to her intentions: "we had plans for saturday but she didn't invite me out when i called. she said we should meet on sunday and that i should call her. i called her on sunday and she cancelled. she said she was tired and didn't have any money but that we should get maybe get together on tues or wednesday. " blah, blah, blah.... excuses, excuses, excuses.... This girl is not good for you! Quit pining over her, cut the strings and I swear once you do... You will meet the most fabulous people, and it won't be her. Grab your self-confidence and self-esteem and grab your good friends and get out and meet people. Have a good time, and don't even think about what she's doing now. It ain't love, so stop pretending that it is. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 BTW, she was tired and broke on Sunday, because she had a good time on Saturday, without you! Sorry, I don't mean to sound cruel, but this gal is shaky at best. You will be better off without her. It's been long enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author race Posted May 30, 2003 Author Share Posted May 30, 2003 yes she's very shaky. i was just really confused because she had started to reach out but then the signals became very mixed. and now she's back to just being her old self. it really does seem like its time to walk away. too bad after two years. Link to post Share on other sites
Baubles Posted June 20, 2003 Share Posted June 20, 2003 Race...I had a male friend from college in another state that I always had a thing for...around christmas one year we were talking hours every weekend...I started developing feelings...he would start talking like he was interested...mentioning how attracted to me he was, etc...w/ hopes of moving closer to me etc. 6 months later he mentioned he was depressed during that time- I think he was just reaching out and clinging- he has no romantic feelings for me. she broke up w/ you- it's ruse for her to see you and wait so long b/t calls and CANCELLING- very bad...then again, she can be genuinelly depressed and lacks vigor...in which case, it's not your problem... I know it's hard after that long...but start looking elsewhere...once she gets herself straightened out maybe you;ll want her back? Link to post Share on other sites
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