Is my boyfriend cheating?

[Marisa]

Hi

 

I have a problem right now and I hope someone would be able to offer some sort of advice to me. It has been about a month now and my boyfriend and I are not making love. I have been with him for 5 years now. We don't live together but we do see each other on weekends. I find this unusual because we haven't gone this long without being intimate.

 

I found a copy of a recent edition of a penthouse mag and wondered why it is that he is still interested in seeing that kind of stuff yet is not showing any interests in me!!!! I confronted him with it and he got very upset. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no, and that he is just tired. He always says that now. I am tired too but I do enjoy being with him intimately. After all, sex plays a big part in any relationship. I just sense that he is bored with me or is cheating. How else would he be still interested in seeing pictures of nude women and not show any interest in me. It just doesn't seem right.

 

Could someone please help me!! Is he getting sex from another woman or is he ready to just dump me.

 

Marisa

[Tony T]

If you found a girly magazine and he's always tired, you can be fairly certain he is exhausted from masturbating. He's probably using the pictures in the magazine for visual arrousal prior to the self abuse. Now, how he just started into that out of nowhere is beyond me. You'll have to ask him.

 

If he's got a computer and an Internet connection, he may also be utilizing the billions of pictures of nude women on the net for this purpose as well.

 

For those who are so inclined, masturbation can be highly addiciting and leave little to no energy or desire for sex with a real person.

 

I doubt he's cheating on you with anybody else but himself. But that is bad and if he doesn't quit, the relationship will soon be over.

 

I am providing the following link where you can read about pornography addiction and compulsive masturbation addiction. Click here----> http://topcondition.com/images/mymindfield/sexualaddiction.htm My guess is that if everything has been going OK with your guy until recently, he may be in the early stages of this addiction.

 

Note: This is a far more complex situation than one website may deal with. The above link is given ONLY for a simple overview. That's why it's important to enlist competent counselling services for proper intervention.

 

The reason I don't think he's cheating on you is because having intercourse with another woman would leave him with enough energy to accomodate you as well...and that happens often in betrayal situations. But masturbation is usually done repeatedly and drains the person of a great deal of energy, sexual and physical. A lot of people don't think it will be damaging to a relationship, like cheating would be, but it very definitely is a form of cheating and it definitely can damage a relationship.

 

Get to the bottom of this quickly. This will be a very embarassing topic for him and he may not be willing to fess up to it. But it is critical that you get to the bottom of this ASAP and, if my hunch is correct, get him early treatment.

[marisa]

Hi Tony,

 

Thanks for your reply. My boyfriend has always had a stack of porn magazines in his room for as long as I can remember. I was never really concerned with it until recently. It seems like sex just doesn't exist between him and I. When we do spend time together on the weekend, he does talk about sex alot and he does look at other woman so that is why I am so surprised that he doesn't even want to have sex with me. Obviously, sex is on his mind or else he wouldn't be talking about it.

 

It hurts to know he may not find me attractive anymore. He pokes fun at my height and makes fun of me because I am skinny. I thought it used to be cute at first but to know that he really doesn't desire me leaves me to wonder if he is not longer attracted to me.

 

Our relationship hasn't been all that great. When we do spend time together it seems as though we have less and less to talk about. He also seems to only want to eat out at pubs and sports bars and never rarely at nice restaurants. We can both afford it, he basically says that "we have to look at each other" if we go to these nice restaurants, whereas at a pub we just watch sports while we eat!!! I don't know what he is afraid of.. Tony maybe the relationship is ending. He recently told me that he will be moving to another city to work and I won't see him for over a year. He says he will come back but he says then again if work requires him to stay there, he can't do much but quit. He has told me that he doesn't want to go but it's his career thats important. I think he's being very selfish. I have cried in front of him because I am so upset. It makes me even more upset when he doesn't even comfort me at all. It's almost like he is punishing me or enjoying the fact that I am suffering because of this.

 

Can it be that he is stressed out about this and can't be intimate with me? or like you said he is so engrossed with his masterbating that he really doesn't have the energy for me. You were right about him being embarrassed when I confronted him about the magazine and the lack of sex between us. The magazine looks as if it has been read alot. For someone to be so tired at 10:00 pm on a weekend is bizarre. He wanted me to leave by 11:00 pm since he says he wants to sleep.

 

I don't know Tony. It's been 5 years with him and I just don't know if a future exists for the two of us, I really don't know.

 

Marisa

 

Could you please help.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "It's been 5 years with him and I just don't know if a future exists for the two of us, I really don't know."

 

A lot of people are married and divorced twice in that amount of time. If more than half your time with him was good, then you had a pretty good run.

 

If all you write now is true, it does sound like the relationship may be over. But the reasons may always remain a mystery. I can think of a thousand reasons for his behavior in the light of your new post. It could very well be that he is weaning himself off the relationship in preparation for his departure. He will be separated from you but he can take his magazines.

 

The communication between the two of you really sucks, although talking about the sex issue is difficult for the best. Ironically, that's where it needs to be as clear as possible.

 

Right now, I don't see the basis for a relationship between the two of you. Partners should make each other feel good about themselves...and he is doing the opposite. He sounds like somebody most women would run to get away from.

 

I am sorry your investment of time didn't pay off but celebrate that you found out he was a jerk before you married him and had his children.

[cindy0039]

"If you found a girly magazine and he's always tired, you can be fairly certain he is exhausted from masturbating. He's probably using the pictures in the magazine for visual arousal prior to the self abuse."

 

Tony - are you honestly calling masturbation "self abuse"? And you're a man? I've read several of your posts now where you seem to jump in and automatically assume that any man who is masturbating to porn is doing something wrong and must have an addiction. You seem to jump to that conclusion rather quickly (just my opinion), when there can be a number of other reasons that the guy is tired. I mean, can't he just be tired from work or other stresses and just want to masturbate once in a while for relief? It doesn't mean he's addicted for Pete's sake.

 

If this couple is having less sex right now there can be any number of reasons that we can't possibly know from the amount of information given to us. She said he's always had girlie magazines laying about (which is not unusual), so the fact that he's tired now is most likely related to something else and not a sexual addiction that she needs to be worrying herself about.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "You seem to jump to that conclusion rather quickly (just my opinion), when there can be a number of other reasons that the guy is tired. I mean, can't he just be tired from work or other stresses and just want to masturbate once in a while for relief?"

 

You need to read my posts more carefully. I simply suggested this as the most likely reason based solely on the information provided. If you will read towards the end of my post, I wrote that my take was only a "guess."

 

You haven't read many of my posts...I've been here over three years....and recall discussing masturbation to porn perhaps less than 20 times in a total of over 9300 posts I have on record. I don't think that qualifies me as being obsessed with the subject.

 

Also, please be aware that masturbation and the term "self-abuse" are used interchangably in counselling circles and in the English language.

 

As for this particular case, the poster mentioned the girly magazine...mentioned lack of interest in sex...but gave no evidence that an affair was underway. I simply stated that she could be "fairly certain" the problem was due to masturbation.

 

Rather than be critical of other posts, I suggest you offer concrete and valid alternatives to the original poster rather than engage in debate with a legitimate post. We are trying to help people here, we are not having a debate match.

 

On rare occasion, I do reply to posts about posts such as in this case, but most of the time I stick with the topic and allow the original poster, who is in the middle of the problem, pick and choose from all the advice that he or she may feel applies.

 

It is true that lack of interest in sex can be due to any number of things, including excessive masturbation, side effects of medication, depression, heart disease, fatigue, stress, etc. I would have hoped you would have found it more productive to go into those in more detail in order to help this person instead of lightly touching on them for the purpose of criticizing my post. You seem to somehow feel better taking your own particular road and, if that's the case, I'm sorry that's what it takes.

 

I do thank you for your interest in tearing my posts apart and I won't discourage that if you have nothing else to contribute to our main objective here. However, you will find that all of my posts are totally defensible if you read them carefully instead of with filters you have personally selected for yourself.

[cindy0039]

I find it amusing that you would use the term "self abuse" when it suits your purpose of making masturbation sound wrong or sick. It's not a term that is usually associated with masturbation, except by certain folks. For anyone reading this, look it up on the internet or elsewhere and you'll see that the term "self abuse" is only used interchangeably with masturbation on sites that are discouraging masturbation as wrong, going against God, etc. I would love to post some sites (as the moderators are allowed to do) supporting my statements, but they would just be edited out as well. But use your google search engine and type in "self abuse and masturbation" and you will see what I mean.

 

To the original poster: MY OPINION is that your b/f is not cheating on you, nor is he addicted to porn or masturbation. He probably is stressed about the job situation he's in and what to do about it and his relationship with you. It also sounds like after five years the relationship has grown a little stale (for him anyway), judging from some of the statements you attribute to him. The fact that you've been dating for five years and only see each other on weekends and the relationship has not developed any further sounds to me like he's not interested in a lifelong commitment. It also sounds like he takes you for granted. You should have a long talk with him about this and if nothing is resolved, start to think about moving on with your life.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Clancy]

Marisa, I think you should ignore the Penthouse magazine. Understand this, men like to see naked women. The paid to see naked women in biblical times and they will pay to see naked women in the future. It doesn't matter much if they are married or single or if they are cheaters or loyal.

 

On the question of what effect masturbation has on your boyfriend's libido. I'll say this too: Just about all men masturabate and they masturbate regularly.

And what is excessive masturbation for one man may be just fine for another man. Think of the most loving, committed couple you know: The guy masturbates.

 

Your guy doesn't want to have sex with you. There could be lots of reasons for that. He may be cheating or he may be just infatuated with another woman and hasn't cheated yet. Infatuation with another person can cause someone to lose interest in having sex with their regular partner. I think you need to talk to your guy about why he's distant.

 

Think about this: What will happen if you don't talk to your guy about this? 1) He could change and begin having sex with you again. Are you willing to wait and see? 2) You'll go on having no sex or rare sex for a long time. Are you willing to accept that? 3)He could drop you because he is cheating or for other reasons, in which case he'll probably talk to you then anyway, won't he?

 

So, from my perspective it's best to pick a good time and begin to engage him in dialogue about this. be forewarned though, he might not want to talk at first. Tell him, it's fine for now but ask him to name a time later when he'll be ready to talk. He does owe that to you. Good luck.

[zoecharlene]

Personally I think from experience that a relationship is doomed if the sex goes. I remember I didn't have sex with my ex for two months before we broke up, and when the sex is no longer a part of your relationship.....it's not good.

 

Make sure to talk to him regardless if he feels uncomfortable. Don't let him push this under a rug and forget about it. Get to the bottom of it.

 

Maybe you should check up on him after you leave his house at 10:00, I know I would. You never know what he could be doing. He tells you he's tired? I don't know about that.

 

If you do decide to check up on him make sure you have a legitimate reason for going back to his house after you leave, and don't ever admit to him that that's what you were up to.

 

Zoe