Appropriateness of friends.. and jealousy

[kopper2003]

hey..

 

i'll keep it short and simple. I have been in a relationship for 2 years with my gf. i trust her. she has broken my trust before, but we have moved forward from those mess-ups coming out stronger as a couple.

 

I live on the other side of the planet from her at the moment..at college.

 

Since she is waiting to start university in March, she's got nothing much to do thesedays..

 

A friend of hers...whom she calls a really good friend has been calling her everyday..numerous times. I don't know this guy..and what bothers me is that even though he knows my gf is in a relationship (and a perfectly fine one) he seems kind of overly attached to my girl.

 

I don't see myself calling up a girl right after i start my day to ask what's up and how things are..and then make numerous calls during the day..and then also call/text for a goodnight. So i don't get what this guy's problem is.

 

I told my gf about my concerns and she told me that he is just a good friend..and as long as he doesn't cross the line or say anything suggestive, she doesn't see anything wrong with a friend calling her up.

 

It would be perfectly fine with me if he acted like just another normal friend.

I feel my gf is just being too nice to him about this all... :S

 

I know very well that my gf made it clear to him that she's in a happy relationship..and i know that she talks to me often..and also she will ditch him whenever i call her to talk to me..cause i am more important to her...and i really..really do trust her. It's just that I have a problem with "him" being sooo clingy to her.

 

We got in to so many tense arguments where i kept saying how i found this guy's actions inappropriate and she kept defending her "good friend"..

 

Advice please? :S

[kopper2003]

oops..sorry..that wasn't short/simple at all..

[Timberlane]

Well, this girl my friend and I used to hang out with also had a male "friend" she seemed to be a little too close to. The girl also had a boyfriend away in college. Long story short, she ended up sleeping with the so-called friend in town and dumped the long distance boyfriend, only to eventually go back to him and dump the fling guy. Nice, hmm?

 

Needless to say, I no longer have this person in my circle of friends.

[dancinggal]

Wow Timberlane, that is not a cool story at all, lol.

 

My boyfriend gets worried about me having guy friends too. He trusts the ones he's met, but if I talk about a new guy, he's on constant guard. My boyfriend says he trusts me, he just doesn't trust other guys. We've had a few fights about it, and I've tried to be more understanding of how he feels. Its hard though, because I don't really have a problem with him hanging with girls, sure I get a little jealous, but I'm not going to stop him.

 

I'd say she misses you and is trying to find ways to distract herself from it. I tried to do this when we were first seperated, my ex-boyfriend invited me to a party, and we hung out and it was fun to have someone pay attention to me and stuff, but then he tried to kiss me and I learnt that it was just because he wanted to get laid. Since then, I've been more wary about hanging out with some guys. Possibly, her hanging out with him is innocent on her end, but she needs to understand a) how you feel about it and b) that if he is going to that much length to be with her, then he is probably after something. Unfortunately, if you tell her the b) part, you'll look like a jealous, controlling boyfriend (I got angry when my boyfriend expressed concern about some other guy). I'd suggest making her know your concerns in a humourous way, like, 'Well I bet he likes you, because how couldn't he' or something like that. Make it a little lighthearted, and she'll be flattered, and hopefully come around to your way of thinking. If you think she isn't getting the hint, ask her how she'd feel if some girl wouldn't stop calling you.

 

Good luck.

[kopper2003]

My boyfriend gets worried about me having guy friends too. He trusts the ones he's met, but if I talk about a new guy, he's on constant guard. My boyfriend says he trusts me, he just doesn't trust other guys. We've had a few fights about it, and I've tried to be more understanding of how he feels. Its hard though, because I don't really have a problem with him hanging with girls, sure I get a little jealous, but I'm not going to stop him.

 

While I was reading that I thought you were my gf posting here...but then the second paragraph kind of dismissed that.

 

It's not a possibility that my gf is going to sleep with any other guy..because she just isn't the sort and she's honestly committed to our relationship.

 

Anyways..I kind of made the mistake of being too straightforward with her. Told her that guys who act like him, even if they aren't after her (or looking for a relationship) are just kind of feeding their ego by befriending and being so attached to a pretty and smart girl like her..she kept on telling me that not all guys are the same and that i should trust her judgement...

 

I finally said that while I trust her completely and don't have a problem with her having friends, i really don't like how the guy is being so clingy..and calling her through the day...i told her i found it kind of indecent/inappropriate.

 

That is when things started to go bad...she was prolly offended and sed she hates ppl who are preachy, n have a holier-than-thou attitude..she sed i am always trying to fix her..and that i dnt really love her for who she is..told me that i am in love with a perfect image of her n not her true self..

 

She went on to say that I am just blindly jealous because her friend gets to talk to her more often than I do..He is the one making her laugh and not me..he is the one talking to her about the most random topics and basically giving her company in her boring life at this point.

 

Most of her earlier friends are off to college in the US..and she is heading towards Australia..so she is indeed without any other friend in the country at the moment..but in my mind..i just can't handle the fact that some other guy treats my gf in a way where it seems she is her gf and not mine..

 

It's not that my gf is prioritizing the guy friend over me though..whenever i call, if she's talking to him, she will bluntly tell him that I called and she will hang up...

 

But even then it gets kind of annoying when almost everytime i am talking to her, it's just after she's talked to that guy..or everytime we are talking..she receives a text msg from him...despite the fact they are harmless friendly messages.

 

She was angry..sad and so on..she sed she'll cut off her friend to become what i want her to become..to make me happy..of course..she was being resentful..n i hate all this having happened.

 

dunno what to do guys..

[kopper2003]

well ok just to clarify...the guy friend doesn't always seem like just the normal friend.

 

i mean..he gets out of the league of normal friends as soon as he is calling her thru the day so frequently. also..sometimes he will be like sending a msg to say goodnight n thanks for being there to talk to. to which i feel like saying "stop trying to be 'sweet' and leave my gf alone.." :S

 

I think i should also let you guys know that this guy was recently cheated on by his girl friend in another country..and he was really sad and depressed..and my gf was there to talk to him and stuff...

my gf told me recently, before things got real tense between us, "hey good news for you, the guy's prolly hooking up with this other girl.." but i am still kind of uncomfy with the whole thing..

 

PS. made some random errors in the last post..him/her mix ups..im sure u can figure it out.

[Trialbyfire]

Here's an idea. Why not go visit her and tell her to setup a meet and greet between the three of you? If you see them together and in person, it might give you comfort or crystallize your doubts.

[kopper2003]

I am in the other side of the world..literally. 3000 dollars away too...

[Trialbyfire]

I absolutely hate webcam but this might be a good time to use one.

[dancinggal]

Lol Kopper, don't worry I am definately not your girlfriend. I Australian, and my boy is Canadian.

[kopper2003]

we usually talk a couple of times a day..whenever i have time in between classes and all..and if her internet's fast enough (she has a really slow connection) we'll sometimes see each other on the webcam..

 

but now she is in one of her states where she just shuts herself off..n even if we talk..she's cold..seemingly indifferent rather..lifeless..

[Trialbyfire]

So, you're looking for a reason for her withdrawal, rather than talking about the withdrawal itself.

 

Whether she likes it or not, she had better start opening up or this will end. Don't push her. Tell her you need to discuss this and let her know it will be at a time that works for both of you. Also, it should be a wide-open, honest discussion. If she isn't willing, you have your answer, regardless of cause.

[kopper2003]

at the end of our discussion we reached kind of a confusing state.

 

She thinks it's perfectly fine for a guy to call her up at different times of the day and even frequently if it is, as long as he doesn't say anything suggestive, indecent and as long as she knows that she is with me and loves me and is committed to me.

 

I think she should have higher walls around herself when it comes to friends like this guy who, in my opinion, is getting too attached to her.

 

Obviously, she disagrees and wants to be her own judge in this regard about what's appropriate and not.

 

See the dilemma?

[Trialbyfire]

Is she lonely, needing friendship desperately? If not, ask her why she can't live without this guy... If so, you can probably understand why she's hanging on tight, although it leaves room for something to happen.

 

Quite the dilemma.

[kopper2003]

1. yeah, she's kind of really lonely in her city right now..since most (almost ALL) of her closest of friends are out of the country..and she is leaving in 4 months still.

 

2. for her, it's not about this guy being essential..it's more like she is trying to stick to her principles and individuality (in extremes) or completely give it up and cut the guy off totally just to make me "happy". Of course she is resentful because i reacted and made an issue out of this guy..

 

So even if she cuts this guy off..she'll feel that she has done an unfair thing just for me..and i don't really want that..

I don't know what to tell her to do really...cause I myself am not still comfortable with a guy having so much access in her life..but i also don't want her to feel like she's being controlled by me...

 

Dilemma needs a solution...our relationship really doesn't deserve all this crap :S we go along really well otherwise..

[Trialbyfire]

1. yeah, she's kind of really lonely in her city right now..since most (almost ALL) of her closest of friends are out of the country..and she is leaving in 4 months still.

 

2. for her, it's not about this guy being essential..it's more like she is trying to stick to her principles and individuality (in extremes) or completely give it up and cut the guy off totally just to make me "happy". Of course she is resentful because i reacted and made an issue out of this guy..

 

So even if she cuts this guy off..she'll feel that she has done an unfair thing just for me..and i don't really want that..

I don't know what to tell her to do really...cause I myself am not still comfortable with a guy having so much access in her life..but i also don't want her to feel like she's being controlled by me...

 

Dilemma needs a solution...our relationship really doesn't deserve all this crap :S we go along really well otherwise..

I think you have your answer, in that she's lonely and doesn't want to be controlled. As a compromise, suggest that you and he have a private webcam discussion or if she's uncomfortable, she can be present and sitting in the background. This way, you can say what you need to say to this guy and she can listen in to hear what was said. You will have to promise to be tactful and reasonable.

[kopper2003]

I don't even know this guy..and he doesn't have an internet connection. I asked my gf once to tell him that I would love to hear from him and talk to him online..which is when I found out that he doesn't come online.

 

And even if I got to talk to this guy sometime...what do I say? He is a complete stranger..and just knows me through my gf as her boyfriend whom she is in love with.

 

:S

[Trialbyfire]

One final suggestion, anything to stop him from using her connection?

 

Just say:

 

Hi, that you wanted to meet a good friend of your g/f since he was calling more often. That you were curious and that she's an awesome g/f.

 

Unless he's stupid, he'll get the message, loud and clear.

[kopper2003]

he doesn't come to my gf's house..

 

they meet sometimes at coffee shops to just hang out...

 

and it's not really normal for guys to go to their female friend's houses to just hang out (or for girls to go to male friend's houses either) in the country..

they talk a lot on phone and meet up occasionally.

 

AND, I really wish i was in the country right now to just call up the guy and do just what you said. At the moment though..i have to deal with my gf who is prolly not quite happy with how i dealt with the whole thing so far..to her, i came out as a narrowminded preachy controlling guy who think he has a better sense of 'decency' than her n is morally on higher grounds.

 

Thanks for the support all through..much appreciated..

[kopper2003]

We kinda talked things through..and she was initially telling me that she is going to cut him off but it's going to be because 'I' think she is doing something inappropriate and not her. She told me that she still believes that there's nothing wrong with the guy friend being as friendly as he is.

 

 

Anyways..I just asked her to give stuff more thought and I told her I will leave it to her..and that I trust her..and always did (honestly).

 

Through our tense conversations she let out some other problems...she told me that sometimes she can't open up to me and tell me stuff cause she feels I am too righteous and I always judge her and try to be her moral police. So I told her that I failed as her bf..and there really isn't much point in me being there for her...if she has to go to a friend to talk to about personal stuff just so that she feels that the friend isn't judging her.

 

I can't seem to get it through to her that whenever I express my disapproval of sth that she is doing/feeling/thinking i am only expressing my own opinion and xpressing it because i care about her and want her good..

 

So there's this university cultural stage-show of some sort coming up at an auditorium in the city. She got a ticket from her cousin and it's for two.

 

She was telling me today that she wants to go and she doesn't have anyone but him to take with...isn't that crappy or what? But anyways...since we just sorted things out..i just grumbled and didn't say much...she knows i don't want her to go..but let's see what she does.

 

Your words of advice people? :-|

[dancinggal]

Oh wow, your relationship is like a mirror of mine, lol.

 

My birthday was a couple of weeks back, and work gave me two tickets to a ballet I really wanted to see. Problem was, they gave them to me two days before it was on, and all my friends were busy. One of my clients (who just happens to be a cute, sexy personal trainer) asked what I was doing for my birthday, and I said I had tickets, but no one to go with. He offered to go with me, and I asked my boy if it was ok if I took a guy. He said no new guy friends, so I respected what he wanted. I was angry because I ended up spending that Friday night home alone with a tub of ice-cream and re-runs of Sex and the City while a colleague of mine went to the ballet with her boyfriend (I gave up the tickets).

 

I really wished my boy had been a little more understanding of what I wanted. I just wanted to have a fun time, and he turned it into some stupid 'every guy is after you' thing.

 

The moral of the story is, don't force her to do stuff. Express your opinions and then let her choose what she wants to do. She'll resent you if she has to lose out on going to the concert. I know it totally sucks on your end, but you have to trust her. I realise this guy probably has ulterior motives, but trust her judgement and her ability to be able to prevent him from coming on to her.

 

That's just my two cents.

[kopper2003]

Oh dear. My gf's birthday was just 11 days earlier.

 

I gave some thought to why I feel uncomfy about my gf sharing her entry-for-two ticket with another guy friend of hers...

 

It wasn't any serious fear of the guy being on to her or having ulterior motives really. It wasn't that I didn't trust my gf to be not able to handle any such moves towards her when she realized it.

 

It was more like...if I were in the same situation..I would have wanted to take my gf with a ticket for two..it's like a childish sentiment perhaps..but in my mind..it would have just felt really weird to be taking a female friend of mine in a place where I'd be taking my gf by default.

 

I know in reality it doesn't mean anything to take a friend in my place - but it's a sentimental thing and there arises expectations from these sentiments for them to be somewhat reciprocated, maybe subconsciously.

 

I told her how i felt and what i thought..and she told me she wasn't gonna go..and even though she is not expressing it at all, I am very sure she completely disagrees with me and kind of resents giving up the program just because of me.

 

I asked her why she just wouldn't go alone..and why she HAD to take the friend with her..and she just told me she didn't want to go alone there..n it would be fun to have a good friend with her. She saw no harm, and nothing to be worried about in the whole deal.

 

Sigh..

 

About the guy:

He might or might not have ulterior motives. But honestly, being a guy, I know very well that every other guy LOVES the attention of a pretty girl. It's a natural thing. When the girl offers the guy to go with her to a concert, even if he has NO expectations from her relationship-wise..it just feeds the male ego and is obviously enjoyable. And for guys like me, who are in a relationship (happy and secure) these needs for feeding the self-esteem are long gone..and we don't frikking look for opportunities to spend time with the members of the opposite sex.

 

Now, I kind of hate guys who do though.

[dancinggal]

Lol, you're freaking me out!!!!

 

That sounds like something my boyfriend would say. And your girl sounds like she says and feels things a lot like me. Yeah, she's probably not too happy about the whole not going to the concert thing. I didn't tell my boyfriend about it, but I was really upset, I felt like such a loser at home by myself watching TV when everyone else was out living their life. I feel so bad when I blame my boyfriend for the way things are right now, because its not his fault, but I hate that I have to miss out on things like that, if he was here, we would have gone together, if I was single, I would have gone with this guy, but because of being in long distance, I had to just stay at home. I hate that there are rules, even though I don't get to have the really fun parts of the relationship. Sometimes I'll tell my boyfriend how I feel, and he's like, well I can't help it if you don't feel strongy enough about anything to make rules too, and he says dumb stuff like, well maybe I'll go somewhere with some girl so you can be the boring one and say I don't want you to do that, and I'll be like, do it, I don't even care.

 

He says he doesn't want to put himself in situations to meet girls at all, and I always thought it was because he didn't want to be in a situation where something might happen, but maybe he's just too comfortable with me. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse, but thanks because it makes more sense to me now.

[kopper2003]

Just to freak you out a bit further, I am in Montreal and my gf is heading to Melbourne for her university in 2008.

 

We are pretty much alright at the moment.

 

I promised her to work on the issues which stopped her from opening up all the time with me..and she told me today that she realized she was being kind of selfish when she was trying to force her will in taking the friend to the concert. I texted her back a while later..because i felt i was being selfish too...but i hope she understands me through this sentiment

 

Also..since she decided to not go to the concert..she's gloomy now..i suppose inside she's holding a grudge against me..even if it's a small one...if i ask her..she'll obviously deny it. But I can feel that she's not happy about all this at all...

 

I wish..my gf just had a female friend in the city at the moment who was in a similar situation and understood what was going on. at least, they could just complain about their guys amongst each other and feel a bit better by just venting out and having someone understand their positions real well

 

If my gf has to miss out on things in life because of our relationship, she really hates it. Especially when she is completely convinced that something is fine to be done..but I interject and express my disapproval..

[dancinggal]

No way! If your girl is going to Monash and studying a masters in business, I'm seriously going to be weirded out!!!!

 

Its good you guys discussed it a bit. I just felt bad about it and didn't say anything. I'm sure he knows I was a little upset though, because he knows I'd hate to miss out on something like that.

 

Yeah, I wish I had a good girlfriend to hang out with who understood what I'm going through too. Don't get me wrong, my friends are amazing, but I'm sure they are sick of me complaining about stuff they don't really understand, lol. It would probably make me feel less frustrated about stuff. Hey, maybe we can hang out in Melbourne, lol.

 

Seriously though, I definately get annoyed on missing out on stuff, but I know when we are together again, things will be great and I won't be thinking things like this anymore. Just, things feel on hold right now, I can't go out and do the things I want to, not because I can't do them, but because someone will disapprove and get angry. Its just a bad, bad situation.

 

I think I'd like it if my boyfriend understood a little more about that. I try to explain it, but he doesn't seem to understand it. I feel like I get more hung up about it than he does, maybe because of that whole secure relationship thing you said before. Maybe if there was a way to spice up our relationship from so far away, I'd feel less of a need to go find fun and excitement in other places. I hope that makes sense!!!