It started with lunch & ended with Craigslist

[vcrandom42]

I just ended a relationship with a guy who CONFUSED ME unlike anybody else I've ever met.

 

The story's all-too-familiar, but here's the short version: We are 28, and work together (yep, bad idea, learned that the hard way!). We hit it off in mid-June (as friends)...he was recently divorced (8 mos prior). However, we laughed our asses off at our first lunch outing, and the attraction was mutual...

 

Part I: Don Juan

 

One night we're at the bar with his guy friends, & the conversation turns to picking up women, and "the game,"... all the Secret Guy Talk that women usually aren't exposed to. I was fascinated - in fact, I kept spurring them on to some degree, excited to get this sneak peek into the male (sexual) mind. Turns out this guy was quite a player back in the day, a self-proclaimed smooth-talker who could woo anyone (and he's very attractive, so he fits the bill).

 

Immediate RED FLAG, because some of the anecdotes he told were about sleeping with women who developed emotions for him rather early, and how he immediately cast them aside. But when we talked afterwards, he claimed they were stories of his youth, of who he "used" to be, etc.

Part II: Getting me to deal with my emotions

 

Ok, fast-forward through the next 4 months:

 

- we drifted along as FWB for a few weeks (although I didn't sleep with him for 2.5 mos, see #2)

- I was a virgin at the time (long story, I'm in my late-20s, but I never dated much in college and I didn't want to be somebody's "random")

- early on I got confused about our "status" and tried to back out - we'd entered a grey area between FWB and something more, because I assumed he was still seeing other people, we had a LONG talk and he said he'd immediately dismissed the other chicks he'd been talking to when I appeared on the scene

- in every single talk we had, he seemed more emotionally open that I was, in fact, he had to patiently pry certain information out of me.

- I was fighting my fears about relationships because I've only been in 2 (one was a LTR before this) and every single time I've been cheated on. I didn't necessarily want to go down that path again, but he said I was running from things that were good, and that I was too focused on what I DIDN'T want to let myself feel what I DID want.

 

Because of the "player" talk at the beginning and my insecurities, from time to time I did talk about the other women who would flirt with him and "playing the field" as a recently divorced man -- and EVERY TIME, he reassured me, more than anyone's done before,that I didn't see my own self-worth and that I made him not look at anyone else.

 

He opened up to me (about his childhood, his rocky upbringing with a mom who was running from the law & some VERY early sexual experiences, almost disturbingly so). The way we talked was based on "cutting the BS," and we candidly discussed all sorts of things, even infidelity, etc...

 

Part III: "You're seeing the best version of me..."

 

He claimed he'd never cheated on anyone and that men who did so were weak of character and had no self-control. Claimed he had porn and various alternatives to having to resort to something like that.

 

He DID admit to having been an ******* to girls in the past - and one night he looked me in the eye and said:

 

"You are seeing a better version of me than anyone else has, man or woman."

 

I'd been up front about the sex thing, and from the beginning he was incredibly patient, putting the ball in my court. We did do other stuff, but we didn't have sex until the last weekend in August. Then

around the 2nd week of September, I started getting REALLY PARANOID. Totally insecure... I found myself staying up late and browsing articles about how "all men are liars" online and cheating boyfriends...it was an all-consuming, irrational drive, and I couldn't stop. I told him about some of it, and every time, I got the same "reassuring talk" as before.

 

Part IV: Busted.

 

But I couldn't stop. Perhaps it was intuition, or perhaps I created it all in my head and made it manifest in reality, but on Sept. 29th I found a Craigslist ad in Casual Encounters that fit his description to a tee. Once I read it, my stomach plummeted - it said he was "just looking, nothing serious..." but that he was seeking an NSA encounter with "all the carnal fixin's." I almost didn't need to take the next step, because on some level I KNEW, but I replied to his profile with an anonymous hotmail account, hoping against hope it wasn't him or that he wouldn't write back... but he did, and he sent pictures.

 

Two weeks later I discover he's had a Yahoo Personals ad up AT LEAST since August 29th. A mere 4 days after he banged me.

 

His side of the story? He DENIED, DENIED, DENIED even knowing what I was talking about once I called him on the Craigslist ad - until I mentioned the emails, and then he said "I KNEW it was you!" He flipped the script, saying I never "saw him for who he was," and that I would never stop digging or looking for ****. Then he said the ad was for "morbid curiosity" only.

 

And the Yahoo Personals ad? I didn't get to mention that until after we'd broken up, but claims to have no recollection of having posted the photo on August 29th. The irony of it all is that he sent me an email saying I need to learn to trust people more.

 

Epilogue...

 

He has broken NC twice by sending me texts and asking why I don't talk to him more at work. He says he values what I've brought into his life and doesn't want to burn bridges (he's friends with his ex-wife).

 

I've covered 180 degrees of the story, asking all the usual questions, trying to *understand* his motivations. Was I not good enough sexually (besides the anecdotal evidence I have of his reactions, he says that I gave him everything he needed.)? Was he just "not that into me?" ("No.") Was it just a matter of the thrill of a new piece of ass every once in a while? ("No, sex means more to him in a relationship.")

 

He claims, despite the ads, that he was never involved emotionally or physically with anyone else while we were an item - and said he would SWEAR on a stack of Bibles. Too bad we didn't have a stack of bibles around at the time.

 

He also claimed that he'd been falling in love with me.

 

And despite how horrible his actions seem, through the entire ordeal he's never said anything negative about me... it's like he's still trying to uplift me, and when he broke NC it was to say "Whatever you're doing, keep it up, because you look great! Glad to see you are doing well."

 

He was wise in many ways, and often said I should "not go based off words, but by actions." And it's his own advice working against him. This man did nothing but reassure me with words, but his actions DON'T add up.

 

I've gone 180 degrees in my thinking, from denial and feeling like I was the crazy one, to thinking he must be a sociopath, or at the very least a serial dater/cheater who's too clouded to see his own character flaws. This could be explained by something as simple as a fear of commitment or sexual addiction, but he'd never fess up in a million years. That's what hurts the most, the man who embraced so many of my flaws and shared his insecurities with me, had to LIE about this one thing. It's not the (potential) cheating, it's the lying that hurts.

[Trialbyfire]

This man did nothing but reassure me with words, but his actions DON'T add up.

I'm sorry to hear about this. Whether he cheated or not, the deceit is so hurtful.

 

Time and time again, I find the motto "actions over words" so true. I've learned that this is one of the best dud filters around.

[wolverine778]

My wife replied to a craig list add that was with a loser named sean that lived in Michigan. Are we talking about the same guy? He was also in the casual encounters on Craigs list.

[Passionate69]

What a small world !