Childless marriage or find someone else?

[DolphinSwimmer]

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I'm in my mid 20's and have been married for three years. My husband is twenty years older than me and is dead set against having children. When we got engaged, I promised that all I needed to be happy was him. I don't know if I really believed that or if I was holding some false hope that he would change his mind about kids. I now see that this will not happen. Before I started dating my husband, I never considered my life without having children. I guess I thought that our love was enough to fulfill my life. Now I realize that my life will never be right without having a baby. He feels very strongly about not having more children, but even if he did agree, it would only be to save our marriage. I don't think that's a good reason to have children. I'm still young, but I know that as time goes on, my desire to have kids will get stronger. I love him, but I'm afraid that if things stay the way they are that I'll eventally grow to resent him or our marriage. Three years ago I told him that this wouldn't become an issue. Boy, was I wrong. Where do I go from here?

[km82794]

Dear Dolphin,

 

I have been in your situation, so I can sympathize with you

on how you feel about being childless.

 

I was married, in my 20's and desperately wanting a baby.

My husband led me to believe when we got married that he too wanted a child. Well, that idea quickly changed. He wanted to do nothing but work, work, work. He kept telling me that there would be time for a child later, when we were more financially stable although he had an excellent job.

 

I lived this life for five more years. Standing behind him and supporting his idea's on how we should bring a child into the world and putting my own dreams on the back burner.

 

Finally about six years into our marriage he agreed it was time.

We tried for years to conceive, but no baby. I went to the doctor and found that before they could find out what was wrong with me, they had to check my husband. The man had 4 prescriptions to go get checked that he let expire.

 

Finally at age 30, I divorced him. I can't tell you that the divorce wasn't painful, it surely was. I had to let go of my best friend because his desire to have a child wasn't as great as my own.

 

Do you know what I found out after we divorced? HE WAS FIXED BEFORE WE EVER GOT MARRIED!!!

 

I am now 34 and engaged to a man with full custody of his three teenagers. Although helping to raise them has eased my pain of being childless, the desire to have my own is still very much there.

 

I too, told my fiance that being able to help him raise his children would be enough for me, I was so wrong. I now know that there will always be a void in my life.

 

Now for my advise.... I can only tell you from experience, your need to have a child will only grow with age. I had so much resentment towards my ex for deliberately making me give up my dream. He wasted so much precious time for me.

 

Although I do feel for your husband, I don't think you should give a up on your need to fill this void in your life.

 

You had agreed to marry him despite the fact that he did not want anymore children which is wrong, but I totally understand IT'S WHAT YOU THOUGHT you could live with at the time and things do change.

 

I guess it is up to you, can you live with this? Would a dog help? Or do you, like me, feel you have been cheated out of a very important part of life?

 

I wish you all the strength in making this decision.

[blue_eyed_girl]

What are you looking for in this child?

 

It seems to me like you were looking for a father figure when you married someone 20 yrs your senior. Are you looking for something to now prove your "adulthood"?

 

Are you looking for love?

 

Do you need to feel needed?

 

I think that you need to find out WHY you want the baby.

 

If you want a baby for the right reasons, you may need to find someone else.

 

If you want a baby to fulfill some role in your life, you may be able to allow your husband, a dog, a Little Brother or Little Sister to meet those needs for you.

[jessicakicksbut]

If deep down inside you were hoping to have children, why didn't you express this concern to him before you got married? In my opinion, I think it is wrong for you to expect him to change his mind on children just because you really wanted them all along. If he is dead set, he has his reasons.

[Jamie31]

I really feel for you! I would feel the same way if I was in your position. I, myself, am married without children and want them badly when the time is right. I can't imagine what I would do if my husband told me he didn't want kids.

 

If I were you, I would give your husband an ultimatum. I know you love him and you probably can't imagine divorce, but think about it - having children is the best experience any person can go through. It should be a mutual decision. Why should you miss out just because he doesn't want them? That's quite selfish of him.

 

Although, you and your husband should have come to a mutual decision about this before you decided to marry. But, you can't go back in time, all you can do is focus on the future. And my advice is to not let him make you miss out on the best, most miraculous opportunity of your life. Talk to him.

 

And if all else fails - get pregnant on "accident"........what can he do?

[Just A Girl2]

Nurse Jamie, your response has really stunned me.

 

If I were you, I would give your husband an ultimatum. I know you love him and you probably can't imagine divorce, but think about it - having children is the best experience any person can go through. It should be a mutual decision. Why should you miss out just because he doesn't want them? That's quite selfish of him.

 

Say WHAT? Just because *you* or *she* might think that having children is the best experience 'any' person can go through, that doesn't make it so, and her husband has every right in the world to not want children. Marriage is not synonymous with producing children. Common sense would have indicated prior to their marriage...that a) he'd already made it abundantly clear that he didn't want to have children and b) due to the fact that he was already in his 40's, he likely was very set in his decision...I mean, how many men want to be in their 60's when their kid is graduating high school? is that even FAIR to a kid? I don't think it is.

 

His decision should be respected. It's not like he hid his feelings from her. He didn't tell her one thing prior to their marriage then suddenly change his mind afterward. Why is he selfish for staying true to his beliefs/feelings when he was clear about them prior to their marriage? Good god.

 

Although, you and your husband should have come to a mutual decision about this before you decided to marry. But, you can't go back in time, all you can do is focus on the future. And my advice is to not let him make you miss out on the best, most miraculous opportunity of your life. Talk to him.

 

So she should force him to agree to have children so that she "doesn't miss out on the best" but what about him? Marriage takes 2. This isn't just about her here. If she wanted children so badly, or had any inkling of a feeling that one day she'd want children, she should have never bothered to marry someone who made it abundantly clear that he did not ever want children. Maybe *HIS* idea of the "best" is nothing whatsoever to do with diapers, crying babies, having no freedom, maybe not being able to retire until he's 65 because he has a child to support and put through university, or all the things that go along with having children. Sure, there are good things, but children are also a helluva lotta responsibility....I say "hats off" to those who know they don't want children and stick to their guns.....versus caving in because someone pressures them, only to end up with a child they resent..only to end up not being the parent they should be because they are filled with resentment.

 

And if all else fails - get pregnant on "accident"........what can he do?

 

No offense, but this is the most insane, ludicrous piece of advice I've ever read in my life. Perhaps being a newlywed who's still got their head in the clouds, you're a little on the naive side (and understandably so), but marriage is supposed to be built on trust and honesty and mutual respect. It's not anything to do with tricking someone, trapping someone, being deceitful and going against their beliefs and convictions.

 

You're actually advocating that she trick him like this? Hun, you obviously don't know all that much about marriage. I guess you'll learn in time, hopefully.

 

Getting pregnant by accident, "purposely" is a rude, low, nasty thing to do. It's the epitome of disrespect and selfishness. Again, this man 20 yrs her senior made no secret about the fact that he didn't ever want kids. She should respect that and if she can't accept it, she needs to move on and divorce him and find someone who wants the same things she does.

 

How stupid of women to trick or trap their partners..or pull this kind of BS. We're not talking here about hiding the new dress she bought and lying and saying a friend gave it to her......we're talking about something as serious as bringing a new life into the world...one that will need to be raised for at least 18 yrs. I can't even believe your response.

 

If she's silly enough to get herself pregnant, there's a very good chance that he'll want no part of it and will chose to leave the marriage....leaving her to be a single mom, leaving a child to grow up in a home without 2 parents there......or leaving a situation where he feels he has no choice but to remain in the marriage but all the while resenting the child and being a horrible father. Does an innocent child deserve this?

 

That's about as stupid as women who don't want to lose their b/f so they poke holes in the condom or stop taking the pill and get pregnant on accident, to "keep" their guy.

 

*shaking head*

[Jamie31]

You made some good points in reply to my post....I see where you are coming from.

 

However, I replied according to my opinion. You have the right to disagree. I did say that they should have come to a mutual decision about the child thing BEFORE they got married, but since they didn't, I was just telling her what i would do in this situation.

Just like If I couldn't find someone who i could picture spending the rest of my life with, i would consider getting artificially inseminated. Just because I truly believe that having a chid is the most precious gift anyone could recieve, and i wouldn't want to miss out on that no matter what. There are plenty of single mothers out there doing great.

 

You have the right to say what you feel about the situation, but I do too, and the girl asked for advice, so I was just giving it to her. I think my opinion is just as valid as yours.

[Bill]

I would not be here if my mom didn't leave a guy that didn't want kids. Think about it...

[BadMan]

Originally posted by Just A Girl2

Nurse Jamie, your response has really stunned me.

 

 

 

Say WHAT? Just because *you* or *she* might think that having children is the best experience 'any' person can go through, that doesn't make it so, and her husband has every right in the world to not want children. Marriage is not synonymous with producing children. Common sense would have indicated prior to their marriage...that a) he'd already made it abundantly clear that he didn't want to have children and b) due to the fact that he was already in his 40's, he likely was very set in his decision...I mean, how many men want to be in their 60's when their kid is graduating high school? is that even FAIR to a kid? I don't think it is.

 

His decision should be respected. It's not like he hid his feelings from her. He didn't tell her one thing prior to their marriage then suddenly change his mind afterward. Why is he selfish for staying true to his beliefs/feelings when he was clear about them prior to their marriage? Good god.

 

 

 

So she should force him to agree to have children so that she "doesn't miss out on the best" but what about him? Marriage takes 2. This isn't just about her here. If she wanted children so badly, or had any inkling of a feeling that one day she'd want children, she should have never bothered to marry someone who made it abundantly clear that he did not ever want children. Maybe *HIS* idea of the "best" is nothing whatsoever to do with diapers, crying babies, having no freedom, maybe not being able to retire until he's 65 because he has a child to support and put through university, or all the things that go along with having children. Sure, there are good things, but children are also a helluva lotta responsibility....I say "hats off" to those who know they don't want children and stick to their guns.....versus caving in because someone pressures them, only to end up with a child they resent..only to end up not being the parent they should be because they are filled with resentment.

 

 

 

No offense, but this is the most insane, ludicrous piece of advice I've ever read in my life. Perhaps being a newlywed who's still got their head in the clouds, you're a little on the naive side (and understandably so), but marriage is supposed to be built on trust and honesty and mutual respect. It's not anything to do with tricking someone, trapping someone, being deceitful and going against their beliefs and convictions.

 

You're actually advocating that she trick him like this? Hun, you obviously don't know all that much about marriage. I guess you'll learn in time, hopefully.

 

Getting pregnant by accident, "purposely" is a rude, low, nasty thing to do. It's the epitome of disrespect and selfishness. Again, this man 20 yrs her senior made no secret about the fact that he didn't ever want kids. She should respect that and if she can't accept it, she needs to move on and divorce him and find someone who wants the same things she does.

 

How stupid of women to trick or trap their partners..or pull this kind of BS. We're not talking here about hiding the new dress she bought and lying and saying a friend gave it to her......we're talking about something as serious as bringing a new life into the world...one that will need to be raised for at least 18 yrs. I can't even believe your response.

 

If she's silly enough to get herself pregnant, there's a very good chance that he'll want no part of it and will chose to leave the marriage....leaving her to be a single mom, leaving a child to grow up in a home without 2 parents there......or leaving a situation where he feels he has no choice but to remain in the marriage but all the while resenting the child and being a horrible father. Does an innocent child deserve this?

 

That's about as stupid as women who don't want to lose their b/f so they poke holes in the condom or stop taking the pill and get pregnant on accident, to "keep" their guy.

 

*shaking head*

 

 

Whatever you do don't listen to JAG2.

You will be miserable for the rest of your life.

You have changed your mind. That is your right.

Go find someone else to have babies with.

It's the most awesome experience you will ever have.

Don't walk, RUN!

[veggie]

Originally posted by Nurse_Jamie

And if all else fails - get pregnant on "accident"........what can he do?

 

Oh, wow - this is stunning in its dishonesty and absolute disregard for not only your husband but for the child you'd produce.

 

No one has the right to make these sorts of decisions for someone else. You need to come to a decision with your husband about what you will do, whether together or separately. Trickery is just plain wrong.

[Carly]

Originally posted by Nurse_Jamie

 

And if all else fails - get pregnant on "accident"........what can he do?

 

Um, let;s all put our heads together and answer Nurse Jamie's question. Here are a few things he could do:

 

Celebrate in the good news!

 

Thank you for providing him the opportunity that he was too blind to see for himslef!

 

Share the remainder of your lives together as proud and caring parents to a new life.

 

On the other hand, there are a few otehr things he could also do:

 

Lock you out of the home.

 

Empty your bank account.

 

Divorce you.

 

Beat you black and blue.

 

Refuse to pay support for the child.

 

Make your life so miserable you could have no idea.

 

People can do very ugly things when they get very angry. Be careful and don't take the nurse's advice.

[NEONINK]

I definitely would suggest getting a dog, and see how that works out.

 

They require a lot of attention and love. Many couples have surrogate children called pets that they love and tend to. Plus, if he loves the dog, maybe his paternal key will get turned.

 

And forget Nurse Ratchet's advice of 'Oops Dear, I forget to take my pill. Silly me, we're having a baby.'