sperlj Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 I was given a tip from the other guys “wife” that she is seeing her husband. The proof given was text messages found on “other guys” cell phone. Text messages ending in I love you and replies starting with “I Love you too”. Plus other stuff about plans for the day and asking if it was ok to call and so on. Also the other guy’s cell phone monthly statements and reports show that they have been conversing for quit some time like close to 3 years or more. The calls are not just once a week, or even once a day, but multiple times throughout the day some rather lengthy >30-60mins. The other fact I have is that this wife saw them together going into a store and followed them going to another. The other guy has confessed to his wife (of 21 yrs with 3 teenage girls) that in fact he is seeing her and plans to keep seeing her and that she is his girlfriend. I have also found pictures of this guy and other guys on her cell. Needless to say some of my suspicions over the last few years have been right, especially lately. One tip I found was an excess of text messaging going on her phone for months. On month over 266 out bound texts. When asked about that she tells me that this was a mistake and she already straighten it out with the cell phone co. Other clues have been locking me out of her cell phone online monthly statements and call reports and refusing to give me access. Care around the house over the last few years has gone down hill and become a total disorganized mess which is very unusual for her. Cooking dinner has become a thing in the past most nights and I’ve been doing it when I get home. Laundry, vacuuming and washing the floors has been left up to me or it will not get done. Another thing that always would frustrate me was when I called her cell she would not answer. Also many times a week she would be out of the house all afternoon returning after I got home 6 – 7pm with some lame excuses of running late or some other lie as a late Dr’s appt. Of course all this is being totally denied at first. Then later admitting to knowing this guy only as a friend she talks with once in a while. Yea, many times a day on the phone, text messaging and in person visits. I was told he is just a friend and no more then that and nothing has ever happened between them. I’m finding this hard to believe and accept as with all the lying that has been going on. She tells me she could not tell me because I would get mad as I have before if she was talking with other guys and that I don’t trust her. Trying to twist everything around making it seem like it’s my fault. I previously (about 4 years ago) I found list of other “guys” numbers. Many which were called frequently. I wrote all that off in the past but I can not any more. I will say for the first time in 27 years I am not in love with her and I do not trust her. I have been hurt, lied to and betrayed. Whether a physical affair or affairs have been going on or just emotional affairs, I am so angry that I mentioned that I want a divorce. Of course that came as a shock and she’s been crying for a few days now. But still being defensive of doing anything wrong and continuing with we are just friends and that I am just trying to monitor all her time. Just friends do not call each other many times through out the day, plus text messages with “I love you’s” in them. I’m sorry I can not accept this anymore. Confused as to what to do from here. I spoke to a lawyer just asking about legal advise for divorce. Have been just trying to avoid her at home for now but the tension is ready to explode again. PS - we do have 2 boys one is 18 & other is 15. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedMM Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 I'm in a similar situation, difference being, I know I still love her, but I can't trust her because she refuses to come clean, even though I've made it clear that I KNOW. All I can tell you is that if I didn't love her, I'd be filing for sure. As it is, I am still hoping against reason... and reason is winning. Maybe MC will help... but so far that's all talk, no appointments... Try not to hurry to make a decision. Give yourself time to figure out exactly what it is that YOU want. If you no longer love her, you ought to move on, but right now you might be too angry to know that for sure. The anger will diminish, and you will have all kinds of horrible emotions for a while, so keep in mind that right now you are literally not in your right mind, and right now is not a very good time to make decisions that will affect your entire future. I wish I could tell you how to get rid of that brick you're carrying around in your belly, but I still have mine... Link to post Share on other sites
Passionate69 Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 Im so sorry that you are experiencing like these in your marriage. my opinion is if a woman doing this to her H she might be not happy anymore in the marriage or something lacking that she found in somebody else. i know being unhappy in marriage cheating is not excuses but people are people make mistakes. life is so complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 Your boys are old enough, so I'd say dump your wife. Life is too short to stay with a cheater...believe me. I thought I could do it for the sake of my boys...in the end...its a life of hell. Dump her and move on. Life is too short. Get out there and live it! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 THe most difficult situation I found myself in, in the Real World, was the breakup of my 25 year marriage. The situation was similar to yours, cheating wife, I was a cuckhold who was gaslighted for many years. It's OK now that it's over. Life is different, there is no "realtionship" no person to grow old with. No lifetime lover. No "clean" memories. Tread carefully. Be aware of the possible repurcussions of a divorce on your youngest. It's a bad situation you find yourself in, good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sperlj Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 [COLOR=black]:lmao:Thanks for the support and advice. I am torn right now. You're right, I am more angry then anything else right now. We have barely been speaking to each and trying not too bring things up again, but I know we both do. I don't want to ruin Thanksgiving for my family as we have so many happy traditions I would hate to turn to bad memories. Same for up coming [/COLOR][COLOR=black]Holiday[/COLOR][COLOR=black]'s in Dec. So I guess giving it time is kind of where I'm leaning for now. There is still some Love for her in my hearth so I'll see if it can grow stronger again or just totally deplete. She tells me she will stop talking with this guy, but I really don't trust anything right now. A little time will tell. Thanks for you reply and feedback. Hope all goes the way you want it to also. [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Take care.[/COLOR] Link to post Share on other sites
Author sperlj Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 Link to post Share on other sites
ahah2322 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 hey sper, i'm so sorry you are going through this. after 27 years of being together, this is what you get. don't waste anymore precious time of your life and divorce her. i wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I, too, was divorced after a very long marriage. It was SCARY thinking about suddenly being alone. I was so used to the miserable state of things that I was afraid of the unknown. Even though things were bad, I didn't want to lose the picture in my mind of being with someone I had been with for my whole adult life....not to mention what it would do to the kids. It just seemed easier to stay. But, in the end, I couldn't. The will to live made me leave. If you stay in your current situation, you will die a slow death inside. Then you won't be any good to your kids. When they leave home in a few years, you may be too wrecked and energy drained to leave the marriage then. If you leave now when you can use your anger as an energy force, things will be difficult for a couple of years, but then things will get so much better! When you no longer have to manage your ex spouses bad behavior, it's a huge relief that frees up so much energy. You won't believe it! Of course, you will have many emotions, including sadness, but relief will always be there, underneath. And, the kids will be both mad and sad at first, blame you for everything and make you feel badly....but, then they adjust. My kids learned that people should leave situations which aren't healthy, which is an important lesson. You will find that a new life emerges that doesn't include your ex spouse. One that you can't even imagine right now because you are so deep into your current situation. Anyway, I don't know if any of this helps you. Just wanted to let you know that there is another way you can live....and it's worth the road you have to travel to get there. Big hug to you. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 You might want to confront your wife again. Ask her if she wants to give up this other man. Does she want to go to counseling and save your marriage? If she says No, then you have your answer. If she continues to deny in the face of all the evidence, then you also have your answer. You must focus on yourself and get out. If she does want to work on things, then make sure counseling is a requirement for your continued participation in the marriage. I offered this to my ex husband and he refused to work on things. I have no guilt over leaving him because I feel I made every attempt to save things....but in the end, I couldn't do his work for him. That was up to him, and he wouldn't do his fair share. If she won't take action to improve your relationship, then you have to make things better for yourself, away from her. But, you can make the offer to go to counseling and work on things. Your kids will admire you and eventually understand you tried. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sperlj Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 Wow! Thanks everyone for all the responses to my tread. I have a lot to think about. Right now I’m staying quiet and trying not to disturb Thanksgiving. Who know what next week will bring. Sooner or later we will have to face each other and try to discuss again without tempers flaring. Anyway, I can tell she is hurting, but I don’t know if it’s from quilt or if I mentioned divorce. Probably some of both Thanks again for all the support. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 Wow! Thanks everyone for all the responses to my tread. I have a lot to think about. Right now I’m staying quiet and trying not to disturb Thanksgiving. Who know what next week will bring. Sooner or later we will have to face each other and try to discuss again without tempers flaring. Anyway, I can tell she is hurting, but I don’t know if it’s from quilt or if I mentioned divorce. Probably some of both Thanks again for all the support. Hi Sperlj, I'm not sure you want me on your thread as I am the M other W who has a M other M. If you've read any of my posts you know that I am ending it. I thought I would drop in and offer you any insight to what a married-for-twenty-something-years-woman could offer. If you think I might be able to answer any questions please feel free to ask. Right now, I feel remorse for allowing myself a part-time pleasure when I could have given myself full-time counceling and a better life solution to my bad marriage and unhappy life. For me, it was a one time thing and while I don't know your whole story, it could also be a one time thing for your wife, too. I hope so. I hope that your knowing will cause her to see herself in a new light. Good luck and Happy Thanksgiving. Link to post Share on other sites
littleofal Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 I'm in a similar situation, difference being, I know I still love her, but I can't trust her because she refuses to come clean, even though I've made it clear that I KNOW. All I can tell you is that if I didn't love her, I'd be filing for sure. As it is, I am still hoping against reason... and reason is winning. Maybe MC will help... but so far that's all talk, no appointments... Try not to hurry to make a decision. Give yourself time to figure out exactly what it is that YOU want. If you no longer love her, you ought to move on, but right now you might be too angry to know that for sure. The anger will diminish, and you will have all kinds of horrible emotions for a while, so keep in mind that right now you are literally not in your right mind, and right now is not a very good time to make decisions that will affect your entire future. I wish I could tell you how to get rid of that brick you're carrying around in your belly, but I still have mine... this is where i am too sure but being persecuted for paranoia by everyone 11years for me can you keep a secret for this length of time i'd say if you love her and its short term let it go but if like me you think it might have been the whole time ouch!! Link to post Share on other sites
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