Why aren't these cheating men leaving their wives?

[Gwyneth]

I was just wondering. Clearly there is a lack of something in the marriage that the MM has to have a lover on the side. Now I'm talking about the man who has one lover for a long time period--not one night stands/flings. Why doesn't this man leave his wife?

[simplegirl]

I don't get it either. OK, one night stands/flings, that would be an ego boost that maybe they need or whatever. But an actual long term relationship?? Why stay in a M if you are miserable? I have wondered that for a long time and gained very little insight. What I have gained is that MM or even MW think that it is easier for the kids to stay M or it is easier financially. If you fight all the time how is that easier for the kids?

 

I was talking to my MM best friend the other day about my MM. It was about his life and M and so forth and his history. His BF told me that my MM actually hates his W. That is sad to me. It doesn't show the kids a good relationship to build from for their future. My MM and I don't talk about his M much but I have witnessed it and I would never live like that. She has told me in the past that she hates him too but she will never let him leave. She said she will always use the kids to keep him there. She said a lot more but that is the just of it. It is a sad situation and I wonder everyday why he stays and has for this long.

[Woggle]

Many of these men have kids and they will have to settle for being weekend daddies if they do leave plus their wives will get lawyers and put them through the ringer. Much of the time their wife is not a bad woman but she is not very sexual and these men want some quick action. There are a multitude of reasons but for the most part women seem to be ones that think anything can actually come out of an affair while for men it is just some fun on the side.

[norajane]

I was just wondering. Clearly there is a lack of something in the marriage that the MM has to have a lover on the side. Now I'm talking about the man who has one lover for a long time period--not one night stands/flings. Why doesn't this man leave his wife?

 

Lots of options.

 

Because there is something he gets out of being married that outweighs what he would have if he divorced.

 

Because sometimes what is lacking in his marriage isn't really all that much (not as much as he makes it sound like).

 

Because his affair gives him what he is lacking in his marriage, and that enables him to stay married...makes it easier for him to stay married.

 

Because he's afraid of change.

 

Because he's afraid if he leaves his wife for OW, his relationship with OW will end up being just like what he already has with his wife.

 

Because he likes things exactly the way they are. He is content.

[bish]

I was just wondering. Clearly there is a lack of something in the marriage that the MM has to have a lover on the side.

 

Not true. That may be the circumstances in some cases....but I believe that alot of people who cheat aren't doing so because something is lacking...other than the fact that they just get tired of f#cking the same person for the rest of their life.

 

Sometimes its just a matter of someone wanting a new face while screwing. The thrill of conquest

[Citizen Erased]

Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?

 

Sorry, no offence and everything, but if they get the one thing missing from their marriage for "free" then there's no need for them to leave their wife.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I was just wondering. Clearly there is a lack of something in the marriage that the MM has to have a lover on the side. Now I'm talking about the man who has one lover for a long time period--not one night stands/flings. Why doesn't this man leave his wife?

 

I think you know the truth to your own answer Gwen.

 

You know why A married man will not leave his wife. If your gonna be his mistress, than it is what it is. In life nothing always works out the way you want it to. If you want a real relationship your gonna have to get one from an unattached man. One who isnt married.

 

That's just the way it is. In the back of your head how could you trust him, if he cheated on his wife to be with you, what happens when he's with you?

[bigheartkindsoul]

Cause they want their cake and to eat it too.

 

The want all the comforts from a home with a wife but all the excitement and risk from having an affair IMO.

[shadowofman]

Because they love their wives. Why would you leave the person you love for some sex?

I bet the only thing missing in there relationship is sex with other women.

 

So now women are cows and cake? No one ever lets me use metaphor to describe women as food and I'm kind of pissy about it!

[bigheartkindsoul]

Just answering the posters orig question!!!!

 

If they loved there wives really loved them would they be cheating!

 

Each case is different but why are you saying that having sex outside the marriage is acceptable, it isn't. Either work on your marriage and get the sparks n passion back or leave.

 

"I bet the only thing missing in there relationship is sex with other women."

 

Oh well that makes it ok then, hey have sex with as many people as you want throughout your marriage, and open marriage if you like. Kinda totally goes against the marriage vows doesn't it.

 

So then does the same then apply to women who cheat on their husbands? Or is it one rule for males one rule for females?

[shadowofman]

Just answering the posters orig question!!!!

If they loved there wives really loved them would they be cheating!

Sure, you can love someone and cheat on them. Maybe someone shouldn't be acting this way, but they are able.

 

Each case is different but why are you saying that having sex outside the marriage is acceptable, it isn't. Either work on your marriage and get the sparks n passion back or leave.

What if the spark is still there? What if the marriage needs no work? What if sex with the SO is great? I'm not suggesting or apologizing for cheaters, but I am suggesting that promiscuity is acceptable as long as both agree to allow it. If one of you doesn't allow it, well then you have to choose. Most people chose love and opt for cheating (cowards way out).

 

"I bet the only thing missing in there relationship is sex with other women."

Does this seem heartless to you. It's the typical male point of view.

"My wife could only get sexier if she had sex with other women."

 

Oh well that makes it ok then, hey have sex with as many people as you want throughout your marriage, and open marriage if you like. Kinda totally goes against the marriage vows doesn't it.

Maybe some vows. I'm not taking any vows anyway.

 

So then does the same then apply to women who cheat on their husbands? Or is it one rule for males one rule for females?

Yes it does apply both ways. Just because your wife cheats on you, does not mean she doesn't love you. Maybe she shouldn't have cheated, but maybe you should have romanced her more, or had sex with her more, or whatever.

[Lizzie60]

I was just wondering. Clearly there is a lack of something in the marriage that the MM has to have a lover on the side. Now I'm talking about the man who has one lover for a long time period--not one night stands/flings. Why doesn't this man leave his wife?

 

Not necessarily... but since marriage (common-law) have become disposable, and people are financially more secure... no one is ready to make any compromise or to work harder to make the relationship works.

 

It's now much too easier to find people everywhere that will meet our immediate needs...

 

But on the other hand, a lot of men/women who stray do NOT want to leave their marriage because:

 

they can have sex outside easily

they don't want to be part-time parents

they are financially secured

they have too much to lose if they separate (family, friends, income, etc.)

their spouse is their best friend... and the parent of their kids so sex on the side makes their life 'perfect' (per say)

[shadowofman]

their spouse is their best friend... and the parent of their kids so sex on the side makes their life 'perfect' (per say)

This is my opinion. (except the kids part)

My "wife" is my best friend, a great lover, my other half. We only differ on one point. I like sex with other people and she doesn't. If my wife was bisexual (like I am) and enjoyed group sex or just extra sex, I would love her even more. We would be more alike, and I would be even more attracted to her (not that I'm not already very attracted to her).

I still won't cheat. I'd rather officially break our monogamous contract then do anything behind her back. Like I said, cheating to make your life 'perfect', as Lizzie60 says, is the cowards way.

[american-woman]

I was just wondering. Clearly there is a lack of something in the marriage that the MM has to have a lover on the side. Now I'm talking about the man who has one lover for a long time period--not one night stands/flings. Why doesn't this man leave his wife?

 

 

 

Theres many reasons men cheat

 

Low self esteem

Because they can

Weak values

A strong desire to prove something

Being unhappy in their marriage

[White Flower]

Originally posted by Norajane>

Lots of options.

 

Because there is something he gets out of being married that outweighs what he would have if he divorced.

 

Because sometimes what is lacking in his marriage isn't really all that much (not as much as he makes it sound like).

 

Because his affair gives him what he is lacking in his marriage, and that enables him to stay married...makes it easier for him to stay married.

 

Because he's afraid of change.

 

Because he's afraid if he leaves his wife for OW, his relationship with OW will end up being just like what he already has with his wife.

 

Because he likes things exactly the way they are. He is content.

 

Wow, Norajane, how did you get so smart? Seriously.

I highlighted everything I recognize in my MM.

 

I once broke plans to see him. He was in such a bad mood that he got in a little tiff with his W later that day. I got to thinking, is it ME that makes their relationship good? He probably leaves me all revved up only to go home and give her the best of himself. That's twisted.

[shadowofman]

Because there is something he gets out of being married that outweighs what he would have if he divorced.

Like love. A best friend.

 

Because sometimes what is lacking in his marriage isn't really all that much (not as much as he makes it sound like).

Right, just extra sex.

 

Because his affair gives him what he is lacking in his marriage, and that enables him to stay married...makes it easier for him to stay married.

Promiscuity, or fullfilling a promiscuous sexual orientation.

 

Because he's afraid of change.

This would explain why a man that doesn't love his wife stays in the marriage.

 

Because he's afraid if he leaves his wife for OW, his relationship with OW will end up being just like what he already has with his wife.

That is probably a good assumption.

 

Because he likes things exactly the way they are. He is content.

Well, he's not very content if he's cheating.

[cj1988]

I see more and more while reading others replies, men and women who cheat really do love their SO, but they are insecure themselves. They do not go out looking for the affair it just happens. It is very wrong and should not, but it does everyday.

 

I never thought in a million years that my H would have an EA or PA, but he did one or both. Now, we live like strangers, sad to say I am realizing more and more everyday how bad we really are or have been and too late for me to care ! I am starting to want to move on myself, I never thought I could feel this way either, but I do. Some people whether they love each other, just are not meant to be.

 

I am actually not giving up on my M, I am giving in......too tired to live with someone that you thought you knew and you really do not. I am still young and have a lot of good years to go. Strange enough, I was praying for the last year that GOD keep us together, now I am praying that he finds happiness somewhere and with someone he can love again !

[White Flower]

I see more and more while reading others replies, men and women who cheat really do love their SO, but they are insecure themselves. They do not go out looking for the affair it just happens. It is very wrong and should not, but it does everyday.

 

I never thought in a million years that my H would have an EA or PA, but he did one or both. Now, we live like strangers, sad to say I am realizing more and more everyday how bad we really are or have been and too late for me to care ! I am starting to want to move on myself, I never thought I could feel this way either, but I do. Some people whether they love each other, just are not meant to be.

 

I am actually not giving up on my M, I am giving in......too tired to live with someone that you thought you knew and you really do not. I am still young and have a lot of good years to go. Strange enough, I was praying for the last year that GOD keep us together, now I am praying that he finds happiness somewhere and with someone he can love again !

Good luck to you CJ!

I went through all that praying to stay together too stuff and finally realized, we are just too different. Still working on H seeing it that way, so I have a long road ahead of me, but I sincerely wish you the best of luck with your path.

[child_of_isis]

This made me laugh out loud....so true.

 

My understanding is that folks who enter into an A, begin rewriting their marital history as quickly as possible.

 

 

Evidently, they have to blame someone or something....anything but "I wanted sex /excitement on the side" which is basically what it boils down to.

 

I bet the only thing missing in there relationship is sex with other women.

 

[OpenBook]

But on the other hand, a lot of men/women who stray do NOT want to leave their marriage because:

 

they can have sex outside easily

they don't want to be part-time parents

they are financially secured

they have too much to lose if they separate (family, friends, income, etc.)

their spouse is their best friend... and the parent of their kids so sex on the side makes their life 'perfect' (per say)

 

I do not understand this at all. How could someone betray their best friend like that?? Especially men - they tend to be very loyal to their BF's. It's horrifying to think that a human being could regard someone as their best friend and then sneak behind their back and break their vows to them so deliberately. I would prefer to think that men SAY that, but they don't really MEAN it. What they really mean is, "We get along great, I have no issues with her. I'm just bored with my sex life and I want some variety."

 

And I have a theory about CH's who stay in their M's... I think the underlying reason is, as warped as it sounds, they feel a sense of honor not to abandon the family they created.

[cj1988]

Thanks WF, I see you on here alot. My story is a lot different than most, so I am sure you can undersatnd how I would go from I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, to I do love you, but you and I both need something more than we are able to give in this life together. He does not know how I feel right now, but he has seen a major change in me in the last couple of weeks. I do not want to hurt him although he tore my heart and life apart.

 

He has been different for over a year now towards me, so maybe he will take it better than I think....I doubt it, he still claims he is innocent etc....sooo he will not understand WHY I cannot get past it and have to move on.....he sais he is in here for the long haul, but still acts distant and strange. So, basically I am tired of trying to figure it out and I tired of kissing his lieing butt, he will be fine ! I know I will !

 

He may have done me a favor and me not know it until NOW !

[child_of_isis]

You forgot the most important part...the whole thing is as follows:

 

 

"We get along great, I have no issues with her. I'm just bored with my sex life and I want some variety. Also, I want her to remain faithful because it would destroy me if I found out that someone else was messing with my stuff".

 

It could very well be the reason for the lies and deception. They want to do it, but don't want wifey doing it.

 

I'd say that right there is the core issue of it all.

 

 

What they really mean is, "We get along great, I have no issues with her. I'm just bored with my sex life and I want some variety."

 

And I have a theory about CH's who stay in their M's... I think the underlying reason is, as warped as it sounds, they feel a sense of honor not to abandon the family they created.

[OpenBook]

You forgot the most important part...the whole thing is as follows:

 

 

"We get along great, I have no issues with her. I'm just bored with my sex life and I want some variety. Also, I want her to remain faithful because it would destroy me if I found out that someone else was messing with my stuff".

 

It could very well be the reason for the lies and deception. They want to do it, but don't want wifey doing it.

 

I'd say that right there is the core issue of it all.

 

Yes I totally agree... like their W is their property, their head of cattle. That is some way to regard your "best friend"!! (and why I think it's not how they really think of her)... Not to mention the BLATANT HYPOCRISY of it all. Unfortunately, I know a lot of men who think like that. Especially here in the Deep South.

[Woggle]

Women are property. Just kidding about that but I do require faithfulness from my wife. That being said I am faithful myself because I don't believe you should ever ask something from your spouse that you are not willing to deliver yourself. I very much agree with how certain women here describe cheating men so why do they then think these scumbags will all of sudden turn into dreamboats when they leave their wives for them? Why tear yourself up emotionally over a scumbag?

[OpenBook]

How about this one, they just lack character. No matter what the perceived reason is, most people cheat because of the LACK OF CHARACTER. Recently in a movie they talked about the 80/20 rule. Most people focus on the 20% of what is wrong in a marriage, instead of the 80% of what is right. Then they leave or cheat for looking for the so called missing 20%.

 

Now I am no math genius, but if you look at your marriage in the crass analogy of money in the bank, why would you give 80% of your hard earned dollars away just so you could have the 20% that appears a little greener than the rest?

 

It seems to me, that you would take the 80% and try to make it work for you and make it a little greener. Just a thought.

 

I'm not a math genius either... but I find it hard to believe that more than 50% of married people have no character.

 

Women are property.

 

Woggle you're scaring me.