cj1988 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 WF, do you have private messaging? I want to talk to you privately about something, you being married and the OW.....thannks ! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 And I have a theory about CH's who stay in their M's... I think the underlying reason is, as warped as it sounds, they feel a sense of honor not to abandon the family they created. I could not agree more!! There really is some of that as twisted as it sounds, in particular those who carry on their ways after they decide to stay. It's a "failure" of sorts some men are not prepared to own up to. My ex would always tell me when speaking of his D that he felt he was a failure, compound to that their insecurities about their job/life position and goals and there you have it. yet another selfish reason that has little to do with "love" and more to do with personal selfish reasons. Of course they must tell their wives "but I love you" what easy words to mask a sea of personal issues. no? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I am a scary man. Seriously though for all my issues with women and I admit there are many I am not a possesive or jealous man at all. My wife knows what I will and won't put up with and she knows that if she ever crosses that line it is over. I won't be one of these men getting a keylogger or checking her cellphone or any of that. If she breaks the trust it is gone for good and she can get out of my life. If all people both men and women treated cheaters in this manner there would be much less cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Hello BENT, so you left your H after you caught him cheating? How hard was that to do? I agree, cheating is a deal breaker for me too, now I have to leave him......although he claims he is innocent, that is the only reason I have been around this long. I know it was an EA for sure, so that is now enough for me.......it was his 1/2 sister so his alibi is "it is my sister are you crazy thing" NO I am not crazy, you both are ! Have a good life now buddy ! Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Sorry to hi jack, but I have read your story. You are being gaslighted by two people. A very dangerous spot to be in. Hello BENT, so you left your H after you caught him cheating? How hard was that to do? I agree, cheating is a deal breaker for me too, now I have to leave him......although he claims he is innocent, that is the only reason I have been around this long. I know it was an EA for sure, so that is now enough for me.......it was his 1/2 sister so his alibi is "it is my sister are you crazy thing" NO I am not crazy, you both are ! Have a good life now buddy ! Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Exactly...there isn't any consequences. W takes him back, gives him plenty of sex so he will "have his needs met", never angers him, pacifies and strokes his ego...whatever it takes to keep him from "straying"... OW fades off into the background like a good girl..."respecting his decision to work on his M"... If all people both men and women treated cheaters in this manner there would be much less cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Hello Child, Yes I know I have been in such denial for so long now and finally my eyes are open. Not only did they have an affair (incest) but after they were busted on tape, turned it around and tried to hurt me over and over again....making me apologize for ever thinking or accusing them, making me feel I was crazy and I was the sick twisted one for ever thinking in that manner.....how can people do that and feel good about themselves? How can my H claim his innocense for a year now and still treat me as if I did something wrong and should be GLAD that he is still with me....what is wrong with these F---- people?????? Sick f----- if you ask me ! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Men are even worse with putting up with this crap. When I read some of these guy's stories I want to reach through the screen and slap some sense into them. A marriage can't thrive without trust and cheating kills the trust so the only thing to do is kill the marriage since it will die anyway and I have always believed that a quick death is better than a slow and painful one. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 My point exactly. Keep your mouth shut, don't argue, don't offer proof or accusations. Don't try to convince anybody of anything. Just know what you know. I probably watch too many Lifetime movies, but if I were in this situation, I would focus soley on getting out alive. Not only did they have an affair (incest) but after they were busted on tape, turned it around and tried to hurt me over and over again....making me apologize for ever thinking or accusing them, making me feel I was crazy and I was the sick twisted one for ever thinking in that manner..... Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 So,someone please tell me how someone you trusted and loved and was suppose to have your back, can be the most cruel heartless person ever and still tell you they love you so much "unconditionally". How can someone that cheats, gets caught, hurts many.....still think of just themselves and continue the cruel behavior by gaslighting? Has anyone here did that to their spouse? If so, how could you do that to someone everyday and not feel bad and sleep at night? What makes people do this and keep doing until they drive that person crazy and they have to leave ? Is that what they want or wanted in the first place? Do they want out and are to chicken to do it? I have done a lot of stupid s--- in my life, but I would or could not do that to another person as long as I live ! Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I was just wondering. Clearly there is a lack of something in the marriage that the MM has to have a lover on the side. Now I'm talking about the man who has one lover for a long time period--not one night stands/flings. Why doesn't this man leave his wife? It's a lack of variety, and OW willingly provide that. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Not always the case LUV, I know many men that are married to a woman that is sexually active with them and they love sex with their wife and more.....but still cheat because they are just cheaters ! Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Not always the case LUV, I know many men that are married to a woman that is sexually active with them and they love sex with their wife and more.....but still cheat because they are just cheaters ! Actually, you just supported my point of view with the above statement. Yeah, they enjoy the sex with their wives, but it's the same sex, even if it's good. They want DIFFERENT sex with a DIFFERENT woman as well. They feel entitled to whatever they want at whoever's expense they get it. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Now, that is correct......they are selfish B------ that have issues that we pay the price for instead of them.......My H said he has demons and has had them forever......what he does not realize is that HE IS THE DEMON inside himself.....anyone that could fall in love with their 1/2 sister is f--- up BAD, yes? That goes for both of them ! Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Funny BENT, you sound like my husband. When I accused him of having an affair with her, he siad he was no longer the man I married. He said that I made him that way, that everything he believed in, marriage, trust, love was crushed inside him when I did that.....OK, he is definitely having an EA with her if not a PA as well, but I mad him cold and change? Right ! Now, he has a wall and is very guarded and treats me different ! I should be telling him the things he tells me, that is GASLIGHTNG at its best ! Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Did he say WHY he did that and HOW he could do that to you? Now you see why I have been so confused all this time. He was so admiit and is still that he is not a cheater, never has been and I have insecurity issues. That is still after I caught him on tape almost a year ago talking like they were in love. No, sex talk but deep romantic tone talk. I posted the conversation under " The taped conversation that now haunts me". Take a look at it and tell me if I am crazy or are they GROSS? It was not just the I love you crap, it was how badly they talked about me that really through me for a loop. I trusted him to love me and have my back, not put a knife in it with his new sissy that I found ! Those to ungrateful a--- holes should thank GOD for me, not do what they did.....double betrayal ! Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I was just wondering. Clearly there is a lack of something in the marriage that the MM has to have a lover on the side. Now I'm talking about the man who has one lover for a long time period--not one night stands/flings. Why doesn't this man leave his wife? I think the answer to this question is quite simple! Why leave when he's got it made. He hasThe wife at home to cook, clean care for the kid's, he's comfey, yet bored to tear's. So.... this is where the OW come's in for the excitement part. As long as he does not get caught it's the perfect arrangement. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Answer you are correct and it is f---- up ! I believed in marriage and in "til death do us part" I judt did not know he would try to kill me this fast Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Why don't cheating MM leave their wives? Because they don't want to. They want to have their life kept as it is and they want something else on the side. Two women to meet all their needs. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 True WHICH and that is f---- up......I would never do that to anyone. I am leaving my M very soon (working on it) he does not know yet because I do not feel the same and could see me with someone else if I stayed. I loved him and still do, but I am not the type that can just forgive and act like everything is cool. I am not content nor happy now, so I am being the brave one and walking away. If he would have handled the last differently the last year, maybe it would or could have been better, but the gaslighting on top of the lies really kicked reality into action, you know what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I guess her opening her legs to someone she knew was married(she knows me well) was done by remote control that he had in his pocket. That was the best line I have read in a while. :lmao: Just brilliant! Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I haven't read all of the responses yet, I'm just replying to Gwenyth's original question of why supposedly unhappily married men who are having a long-term affair with another woman don't leave their wives. I think, as some have suggested, that they aren't really that unhappily married, the "affair fog" just makes them rewrite history in order to justify cheating on their wife, and they "claim" (even to themselves, in their own little heads) that their marriage is bad and their wife is horrible, etc., but they didn't really think this way before they started the affair, or they would have left. My xMM used to tell me his wife was an alcoholic who emotionally abused him daily. At the time I thought awww, I feel sorry for him, he deserves to be loved. Now I think, ewwww, how pathetic, if she's REALLY that bad, why did he stay with her for 16 years?? If it's commitment, good, then what's he's doing with me? That leads me to the other option -- that some men are truly unhappily married and in love with OW (as I believe my xMM was) but they are still too afraid to make such a big change, upset their family and hurt their wives. I think a lot of men like status quo and they will fail like a failure if they get divorced. Society's opinion often means a lot more to men than to women (we've been getting the brunt of it since Eve) Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I think the answer to this question is quite simple! Why leave when he's got it made. He hasThe wife at home to cook, clean care for the kid's, he's comfey, yet bored to tear's. So.... this is where the OW come's in for the excitement part. As long as he does not get caught it's the perfect arrangement. AP:) His idea of excitement must be stress... Trying to juggle two women stops being fun after a short while. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 "Why aren't these cheating men leaving their wives?" I really couldn't tell you, I'm not inside their heads. I would imagine they all have different reasons. I didn't have to wait for my cheating ex H to leave me for his OW, I beat him to the punch and left him once I found out. I set him free to be with his OW. Now what he done to me, is getting done to him. But he made his own choices so he has to live with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 His idea of excitement must be stress... Trying to juggle two women stops being fun after a short while. Ha! That's funny Virgo! Link to post Share on other sites
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