He called me - Tiwce. TRUTH OR B*LL??

[imstunned]

I didnt expect to hear from him. At 6ish this am I got a text. Said I dont know what you want from me - I said I'm sorry. I said You are not sorry - you are just worried I'll tell your wife. Then my mobile phone rang. It was him.

 

There followed a 10 min conversation. He said he is so so very sorry. I said Bull - you are just worried I'll yell your wife. He said Yes I am worried you will tell her. I said you just used me for sex. He said no that was never ever what I was doing. I liked you. I really, really liked you. My intention was never to hurt anyone. I was stupid, confused and treated you so very badly. I am so sorry. I said that I was convinced he had done it before. HE SWORE he hasnt. I said of course he had to say he hasnt - other wise Its more info for me to potentially use against him to his wife. He said he had never ever had an affair before.

 

I asked if his wife hadnt have found out would he have finished with me. HE said no, he said he would have wanted to keep seeing me. He seemed to be under the impression I called his wife. I made it very clear she called me. Some one apparently tipped her off. He said things were very tense at home.

 

I said that I felt that he didnt care about me at all as he never called me. He said he did care, always cared, but was scared. He said he meant everything he ever said to me about us, and that he didnt think I deserved to be treated the way he treated me. (no kidding!!) So on it went. Then goodbye. WHat did I do - I texted him to say thankyou for calling. That it was good to hear his voice. He texted me back saying it was good to hear mine too. I said i missed him. He texted back he missed me too. I texted that most men go back to their affair, but it seems he wont be comming back to me. He said never say never, but if I did come back it would be just for the sex and its not that I wouldnt want that but at the moment I want and need to make it work at home. I said Um, ok, bye.

 

He called me again. Another 10 min conversation. He said that my text was a bit cold. And he wanted to make it clear where we stood and what was going on. I said "yeah I get it. you love your wife and you dont want anything to do with me". he said its that he has to work it out with his wife and that he loves her. I got angry. I said HOW can you say you love her when you did those things and spent that time with me. I said what was missing?? He said he didnt know - that he just liked me. He said he didnt think it would do either of us any good to be seeing each other.

 

I said I cant figure out of you are a nice guy ar a total ****. I said it dosent add up. You say you love your wife, but that you would have kept seeing me had you not been busted. You say you would only come back for the sex, but that you didnt use me for sex, that you had feelings - HAVE feelings for me. I said I'm convinced you have done this before and yet you insist you havent. I said "I DONT KNOW WHO YOU ARE - I DIDNT EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME"

 

I said I'd love to believe that he was calling out of regard for my feelings but I felt that it was just to pacify me so I didnt tell the wife. He said that wasnt ture. That he had been scared. That he cared. I said basically you are telling me that you made a mistake and its woken you up to how much you love your wife. He said yes. I said thanks - I was a MISTAKE?? He said YOU were not the mistake. But I made a mistake. I told him how devestaing it was to go from thinking he was a single guy seeing ME to the reality of knowing he was in bed with his WIFE. He said he was sorry and could imagine how devestaing it would be. I kept saying you are just worried I'll tell your wife.

 

Any way - the conversation ended with him asking me if I was ok. I said no. He said take care, take care. I quietly said goodbye. Then I fell apart. I'm still falling apart.

 

I have texted him swearing he will never hear from me again, that I respect his decision and thanking him for showing me some respect by calling me.

 

Is he telling me any truth? Or is he gass lighting me to keep me sweet so I wont spill the beans. Am I stupid to believe a word of it - or could it be true. That he hasnt had an affair before, that he really really liked me, and cared for me, but now he has woken up to how much he loves hiw wife? Is his M now going to be stronger than ever after the WAKE up affair??

 

Or is he a total liar and serial cheater? Still lying to me to make me leave him alone? If he is that then why dosent he come back to continue the affiar? If he is a scumbag then why wont he come back?

 

Through out the whole thing my GUT told me he was a really really decent guy. My Gut also picked up on his lies. Could it have been right on both counts? I dont know what to think, what to believe. I'm not sure which is worse. HELP!!

[Lizzie60]

I have texted him swearing he will never hear from me again, that I respect his decision and thanking him for showing me some respect by calling me.

 

Please please keep your word. Don't be a liar just like him...

 

Is he telling me any truth?

 

Who cares... He doesn't want you anymore... how can you not see that?

 

Or is he a total liar and serial cheater?

 

Who cares? That is not important... he's an EX now... right?

 

Still lying to me to make me leave him alone? If he is that then why dosent he come back to continue the affiar? If he is a scumbag then why wont he come back?

 

Leave him alone... Do yourself a favour and stop harassing him... he's been clear now with you.. move on.. he wants to make it work at home.. whether that's true or not.. is none of your business at this point.

 

If a guy would tell me what he told you.. there is no way I would ever speak or even bother with him, I am waaaay too proud to lower myself to get his pity or to cling to him.

 

Time to move on... remember your promise:

 

I have texted him swearing he will never hear from me again, that I respect his decision and thanking him for showing me some respect by calling me.

[imstunned]

I always find it weird that people cant undestand why I try to make sense of all of this. I care. If I didnt I wouldnt be needing to post. Thanks for the reply anyway.

 

Please can everyone else spare me the "HE DOSENT WANT YOU". I get it.

[Shades of Grey]

I'm sorry hun, that sounds like a very difficult conversation you had.

 

I think it's a bit of both. I've said before that I do believe he cared about you a great deal despite the way he behaved but I do think that primarily he is terrified that you will tell his wife and the call was a damage limitation exercise to assess the likelihood of you doing so.

 

The question is did the call give you any closure at all? Do you think that you will be able to move forward now that he has at least explained himself?

[imstunned]

I feel more confused than ever. I get that he is staying put with his wife. I'm hearing it loud and clear. Well - actually maybe I'm not.

 

But he seemed to contradict himself. Loves his wife. Made a mistake. Sorry etc. . But then to text "never say never. . but If I came back it would just be for sex, and its not that I wouldnt want that but at the moment I need to work on things with the wife " in a text - I cant figure out, nice guy or S**T head. Thats whats causing me the problems.

 

I cant find closure on that front.

[Suny1]

I cannot believe how much we are alike Stunned!! This same exact thing happened to me. In our last conversation, he told me he didn't want to hurt me and that he wouldn't have stopped seeing me if she hadn't found out. Then tries to tell me that he loves her and has to make this work because he took vows with her. I said DON'T give me the BS that you love your W!!! He wasn't thinking about loving her when he was with me. I can't understand why he wants this to work because they have no children. Altho, she wants a baby desperately and thats why she is ignoring the fact that he cheated. I guess she thinks having a child with him will *fix everything with them. He doesn't want kids and I know he feels guilty. He knew she had called me and I didn't answer. When he told me he didn't want to hurt me but we could never see each other and that he was going to make this work with her, well, thats when I called her. I wanted peace for myself and I did tell her I was completely out of the picture now. I thought maybe if I talked to her, that would do it for good and I could just move on.

Now the fact that he made her believe that we did nothing wrong, makes me even more angry! Nothing I can do about that because she wants that baby more than anything and he is going to do this for her out of guilt. I can't seem to get past what it was like when we were together. We talked about being together in a year, when he is going to be out of debt. I want to know if he thinks about all the things we talked about, or was it all just telling me what I wanted to hear so he could have what he wanted. I don't think he thought I would ever talk to her. I really think he wanted to fix things with her and then he was going to call me again. I can't settle for that now. Puzzles me that all the feelings... all the trips we took... all the things we said...we KNEW exactly what we were doing! How does it come right down to never even saying... I miss you??? How can he just go back like it didn't happen??? He told me that he meant everything he said to me, but he has to do this now. How come I can't just do the same thing??? It makes me crazy!

 

Yes, I know it was wrong! That doesn't stop any hurt. I am not a vunerable person and I have always been able to read people pretty well. The times we were together were the most perfect times in my life. We both went out of our way to make sure it was always the perfect memory. And sooo..... AGAIN..... thats all it was.... a memory!

Thanks for letting me get this out... it really does help to know that I am not the only one going thru this.

[Shades of Grey]

I feel more confused than ever. I get that he is staying put with his wife. I'm hearing it loud and clear. Well - actually maybe I'm not.

 

But he seemed to contradict himself. Loves his wife. Made a mistake. Sorry etc. . But then to text "never say never. . but If I came back it would just be for sex, and its not that I wouldnt want that but at the moment I need to work on things with the wife " in a text - I cant figure out, nice guy or S**T head. Thats whats causing me the problems.

 

I cant find closure on that front.

 

But I.S how can you relate anything that he said in that conversation to him being a nice guy. I can completely understand your initial confusion and difficulty in seperating the person you thought he was with the person you have since found out he was. But all his actions since then and every word of the conversation you have transcribed point to one thing and one thing only that he is a manipulative and selfish S**T head.

 

I hope that it doesn't upset you me saying truely thats not my intention but really I think the evidence is speaking for itself here. You deserve SO much better than this and it pains me to see that you still think at times that he is someone worth having.

[imstunned]

But I.S how can you relate anything that he said in that conversation to him being a nice guy. I can completely understand your initial confusion and difficulty in seperating the person you thought he was with the person you have since found out he was. But all his actions since then and every word of the conversation you have transcribed point to one thing and one thing only that he is a manipulative and selfish S**T head.

 

I hope that it doesn't upset you me saying truely thats not my intention but really I think the evidence is speaking for itself here. You deserve SO much better than this and it pains me to see that you still think at times that he is someone worth having.

 

It dosent upset me - this is perhaps what I need to hear. I came off the phone BOTH times thinking - "See!!!! HE IS a nice guy, he just messed up and is now truly sorry". if everyone thinks from my first post that thats not the case then I REALLY REALLY want to hear it. I'm happier with the anger than the sheer devestation that he is the nice guy I thought he was who has woken up to how much he loves his wife!!!!!! It makes me feel physically SICK.

 

BUT - If he is a manipulator then its worked. I texted saying he wont hear from me again and that I wont tell his wife. AGAIN IM A MUG! IDIOT.

 

Suny - I said to him this AM - How can you possibly say you LOVE your wife when you were doing all those things with me. Didnt get much of an answer there - "difficult to answer that" He said he was confused, unhappy, um, er, blah blah. He cannot deny to me that those things happened like he can to his wife. I was there. Tricky one to get out of. Guess he didnt want to piss me off either. Quite a pickle for him.

 

Nor did I get the best answer when I aksed why he wanted me to think he was dead. "difficult one to answer" he said - NO KIDDING!

 

IF i can settle some day somehow on the nice guy/bad guy thing then maybe I can move forward. This is what I am going round and round in circles about.

[child_of_isis]

I think she just wants answers. And I think she deserves answers. He gave her the right to expect answers after he lied his way into her heart and life.

 

He just wants her to crawl under a rock and disappear while he puts on the "appearance" of cleaning up his life.

 

I bet W is watching his phone log and will be calling soon. Hopefully IS will not lie to her.

You deserve SO much better than this and it pains me to see that you still think at times that he is someone worth having.

[Suny1]

I assume he didn't want to give a direct answer incase it made you mad enough to tell the W. So he keeps you calm and GAWD how I hate to say "tells you what you want to hear" somewhat to keep you from going off on him. My MM told me to please not scream at him, that he had heard enough of that from his W. HAHA! I had never even had an argument with him. Maybe it does make me feel alil better when I hear her saying to me that day.... "He is sooooo going to be my BIATCH if he wants this to work"! I know he is probably going thru a bit of hell right now... and thats why he has turned to hate me. He isn't thinking about what I *didn't tell her to at least save him from even more HELL!

I don't think I mentioned this before.. He closed his email acct. the same day we talked. We had never been without email before if we couldn't talk on the phone. This might sound silly but.. I made another email acct. I emailed everything I was feeling everytime I needed to say something to him. At first, thinking maybe someday I could give him that email and he would know everything I was going through. I don't do it everyday now... but it did help me so much by just getting it out. That was before I found this site. Reading and getting answers helps alil more than that. Just wanted to share how I am doing some of my therapy.

[child_of_isis]

One day I was reading on another forum that the anger from MM comes from the OW "betraying" him.

 

Can you even believe the audacity? OW is supposed to fade into the shadows like she never existed. Even though MM used her, lied to her, warped her reality, broke her heart, then dumped her like she was nothing.

[child_of_isis]

It probably isn't about "needs" at all, but more about "wants".

 

I get so tired of the "getting his needs met" dribble. (in general, not you or anyone specifically)

 

Men don't NEED to cheat/lie/deceive/have sex with 2 women at the same time.

 

He is like all cheaters an @$$ who used two women to satisfy his needs.

[child_of_isis]

Did you ever notice that all of these little catch phrases are usually in the favor of the MM?

 

This freaks me out because most of the posters here are OW's and BS's....

 

another one that freaks me out is "respect MM's decision to work on the M"...my gawd man, these guys don't deserve respect.

You are 100% correct. It is a selfish want, not a need. I stand corrected.

[GreenEyedLady]

He said never say never, but if I did come back it would be just for the sex and its not that I wouldnt want that but at the moment I want and need to make it work at home.

 

I said I cant figure out of you are a nice guy ar a total ****. Is he telling me any truth?

 

What I bolded is ALL you need to know about this man...He is not a nice guy...

 

But he is telling you the truth...You need to not think about him anymore...He is a total jerk...He lied to you about his name even...He just wanted sex with no strings attached and is trying to backpedal because his W found out...

 

Please, you're worth more than this...Let it lie so that you can move on...

 

(((HUGS)))

[NoIDidn't]

I.S.

 

I agree with GEL. I have to ask, why do you keep hanging on to the thoughts of what you thought you had with this guy?

 

Did something traumatic happen in your life before you met him? You don't have to answer that here, just something to think about.

 

I don't think you need anymore answers. Any man that tells me he'd be willing to come back for sex, and that I know the deal about what we are doing up front, would get the boot - permanently.

 

But you aren't feeling that way. And it is confusing as to why. Its clear he wants you on his terms. If you don't like his terms, walk away. What exactly would telling his W accomplish in this case? You are aiming to hurt him for dumping you more directly?

 

I know you are sensitive about this, so please know that I mean you no offense.

[Freedom Now]

Yes, I agree.

 

The truth will always find you out.

 

Vengeance is NOT mine.

 

And as for my exMM: the lying, cheating, married minister.....

 

God will take care of him.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with what GEL has said too.

 

He now has (hopefully) given you enough closure.

You know now:

-He did care for you and have feelings for you.

-What he did was totally inappropriate and wrong, lying to you and leading you on.

-He was honest enough with you to TELL you that if he did come back, it would be about sex, not with intention of leaving his wife and children.

-He told you what you needed to hear and now it's up to you to work through this WITH THE INTENTION of letting go and never contacting him again.

 

You have every right to be hurt and angry, but now you do not have the right to contact him again. You had the goodbye, so don't call/text him again. If he calls you, ignore the call.

 

Therapy, it can only help you get through this and help you cope better.

[norajane]

I also completely agree with GEL.

 

You want to believe he's a nice guy because that will help you feel like you aren't worthless. I sincerely hope that you start talking to a therapist soon to help you understand for yourself that you aren't worthless! Your worth has NOTHING to do with this guy, his opinion, or why he did what he did!

 

And I think you want to believe that he's a nice guy because that will help you feel like he didn't use you. Who knows what he thought he was doing - even he can't give you a straight answer on that.

 

But I think you know he's not a nice guy - nice guys don't pretend they are nearly dying on a mountain somewhere. Nice guys don't lie about being married. Nice guys don't cheat on their wives and families. Nice guys don't lie to you about their names. Nice guys don't do anything that he did - period. That you are even the least bit confused whether he is a nice guy or a sh*t head is very troubling.

 

I also really, really wish you would start therapy to help you get to the point where you are thoroughly disgusted with him - as you should be - instead of kinda wishing he'd come back, instead of respecting him for talking to you when he was just covering his ass, instead of opening the door for him to continue his affair with you while cheating on his wife. You need to get to a point where you wouldn't let him near you again if he begged and pleaded undying devotion!! The man is scum and that you are open to letting that scum back into your life should give you pause - you are still in your fog, I'm afraid. I hope you realize that you will one day see him for what he is and truly be 'stunned' that you ever entertained the thought of him remaining in your life.

[imstunned]

Thanks to every one for replying. I AM RAGING. I have been lied to and manipulated again! I told him I wouldnt contact him again - that he could be sure I wouldnt. And I wont. I also texted that I was devestated and that i loved him. WHAT AN IDIOT.

 

I have been thinking OVER AND OVER what he said. And I'm so angry. He ONLY called as he was terrified I would tell his wife. The guy is pettrified. He didnt call out of any regard for my feelings, only to passify me by saying sorry. Must have been EXCRUTCIATING for him. To have to say sorry, what I did was unforgivable, you didnt deserve to be treated like that. 20 minutes of me grilling him. He must have hated it. I told him OVER and over again that I thought he was a serial cheater - he said no I'm not. I said why did you give me a fake name then? "um, er". . I am certain he is. This is what he does. And he is used to getting away with it.

 

The more I have his voice going over in my head saying sorry I'm very sorry, the more angry I am. What he said didnt make sense - I said you are saying you love your wife but would have continued to see me if you hadnt have been caught. Those are not the words of a man that loves his wife. I said what the heck were you doing by doing what we did if you love your wife - "um, er, I was unhappy, confused, er" Quite. He cant deny what we did to me like he can his wife. I WAS THERE.

 

I dont think I am worthless. He is. And actually - in a bizzare way - him saying our affair would have continued had she not found out told me all I needed to know about him - he didnt reject me. He just got busted. He is busy now gaslighting the wife. Poor sod. Imagine having two kids to that looser.

[whichwayisup]

It doesn't matter what he says or doesn't say, YOU DO NOT TRUST HIM. Even if he was telling you the truth, would you believe him? Could you actually believe a word coming out of his mouth? My guess is no...So, be glad that you aren't the one married to him, having his kids...YOU are better off!

 

Good, keep going with this anger, hopefully it will push you to the next phase so you can really let go of him, and move on, never look back.

[imstunned]

I dont believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I really dont. Hence the fact that I dont buy the I'm sorry bull. He probably is sorry. Bit late now isnt it?

 

If he had made that call 7 weeks ago I would have believed that he cared. He made that call today TWICE as he was scared I'm going to mix things up for him. Now I couldnt care less if he cared. Its too late to say sorry.

 

Somebody said in one of my very early posts that NOTHING he could say could take away what he put me through. God they were right. I had no idea - all the call made me was ANGRY. I wanted input from everyone to tell me that he ISNT a nice guy. That nice guy's dont do what he did. I want that to keep comming. I dont want to relapse into some idiotic vision of him as a nice guy. He wil do what he did again. Just like before.

[EnigmaXOXO]

No amount of explanation will ever give you the kind of answers or closure you’re looking for. You’ll never make sense of it, no matter how many times you relapse into making one more attempt at contact with him. All of this obsessing will only make you feel sicker than you already do. You’ve tried doing nothing, you tried doing something ... and none of it has worked for you so far. Only one other way left for you to go ... and that’s as far away from this situation as you can possible get. Even if that means following Nora’s original advice to get the real help and support you need in doing just that.

[imstunned]

I have the answers. He liked me. He had an affair. He does it all the time. he got caught with me. He is scared. He is a jerk. If he ever tries to come back he can get stuffed.

[EnigmaXOXO]

If he ever tries to come back he can get stuffed.

 

Good!

 

And hopefully tomorrow you and you’re family will enjoy a extra helping of dead turkey on the rest of us. In honor of every “jerk” who deserves to be roasted and stuffed.

[Freedom Now]

He is a cad. We all know it.

 

But, those of us who were lied to about these men being married also fell for someone whom we thought was available.

 

And you are feeling powerless. And rightfully so. You entered into an adulterous relationship without your consent or knowledge.

 

My xMM did the same thing. And he is also an ordained minister.

 

And there are no words to describe how I felt to know that this man of God LIED to me about being married and then abandoned me when his wife found out.

 

It's sick. And those feelings of powerlessness that you feel now and I felt then can make you sick too.

 

Go talk to someone. I did.

 

You WILL feel better.

 

And, for what it is worth, I got my revenge. He came back to me over and over and over again after D Day. And I threw HIM under the bus.

 

Problem solved.

 

He is gone and I am healed.

 

I wish the best to you. You deserve it.