He called me - Tiwce. TRUTH OR B*LL??

[PLAYBRAT]

Hi IS....Happy Thanksgiving to you...

(not sure if you celebrate this holiday where you are)

but I still hope you are doing ok.

 

Can you share what you said in your text?It must have been

pretty bad to illicit such a crazy reaction from him. Did you threaten to

tell his W? Just curious...

[imstunned]

Bear in mind I said he would never hear from me again and that I'd never tell his wife - so good was his sweet talking. . .I said basically I was a liar too and wished him a happy weekend. Thats it. Is that really out of order?

[PLAYBRAT]

Hmmmm..no. I guess he is reading between the lines....

Was your intention for him to feel threatened? Because

it's obviously working..LOL

[imstunned]

I just want to make him stew. I know how desperately worried he is I'll spill the beans. THats why he has been begging me everytime I have contacted him "please dont do this" - he didnt want me to mess it up for him.

 

He asked what I meant. I ignored him. For the first time in about 10 months I feel like the one in control. If I wanted to I could blow this mans life apart. i think the reason he is so terrifed is because his wife has been cheated on by him before and will leave if she knows what he has done. Thats why one of his friends "tipped" her off. Becuase he is a total idiot!

 

Any way - I am not through it yet - but will not contact him again. I liked ignoring him.

[Ms. Red]

I just want to make him stew. I know how desperately worried he is I'll spill the beans. THats why he has been begging me everytime I have contacted him "please dont do this"

.....good for you! Every time you see his text or hear his ring think of your above quotes & imagine him on his knees with a pathetic looking face when he says, "please don't do this" and revel in the fact that YOU do now have the power to take back your life. I've read your story & it's good to see you getting stronger. Good luck & Happy Thanksgiving! (if U celebrate)

[whichwayisup]

You took back your life, your power and now you're incontrol...Enjoy it but don't focus on this power trip for too long...The next stage has to be recovery, letting go completely and feeling indifferent. You know soon it's best to block him, email/IM/text.

 

Glad that you aren't going to contact him again!

 

Enjoy your Turkey and happy TG.

[imstunned]

Thank you to all of you for your replies - there are some people who - like whichway have been posting to me right from the off, and I'm really interested to see what the others say too - I hope they reply if they see this.

 

I wont be basking in this for long, but it felt good/feels good for now. I'm BOUND to replase and come on here saying he is a nice person who made a mistake - but I dont think thats really the case. He made a mistake for sure - he got caught.

 

Now I am working on indifference - stopping missing and loving the man I thought he was (Though I think I will always miss him) and moving on. The night when I can go to bed without counting backwards from 10 to stop me thinking of him curled up in bed with his wife will be a happy day for me. But when it finally comes I probably wont even notice its significance.

[child_of_isis]

When (if) you feel bad...just remember that little quip about sex he gave you....something about, yeah, he would see you, but only for sex...Or something like that.

 

Hold that thought in your mind.

 

Found the quote: but if I did come back it would be just for the sex

 

 

Did you get that on text? It will come in handy for d-day when he lies to his wife about having sex with you.

 

 

 

I feel better, but then feel a bit bad, and a bit aprehensive of what he may do. I may go up and down a bit in the next few days, and hope I'll be toelrated if I post here. I did what I felt was right for me to do as I am fed up being lied to. he will have a rotten weekend worrying, just like all the weekends and weeks I spent worrying about him dying up a mountain.

 

If he had called me 6 weeks ago it would have been different - I would have believed his motivation to call me was because he was truly sorry. But its as clear as day he is simply terrified I'll tell the wife. I would really like to know how a relationship can survive what he has done when his wife dosent know the truth. I thought relationships could only survive infidelity with 100% honesty?

[imstunned]

Amongst the 451 texts that I have saved between us I have the following -

 

* Him pretending to be his friend telling me he is dead

 

* Him asking me if I fancy I threesone with him and his male friend

 

* Him telling me he dosent love his wife, isnt happy and saying that he said he dosent want children as its the turth

 

* Him telling me what he would like to do to me over my kitchen table

 

From yesterday -

 

* It was good to talk to you

 

* I miss you too

 

* If I came back it woul be just for the sex and its not that I wouldnt want that but for now I need to make things work with wife

 

Lovely, lovely man.

[Suny1]

Just getting back in and I AM THE STUFFED TURKEY!!

Glad to see you are making it through the day IS!!

Being with family was good for me today. I needed that!

Came straight back in here to see how you were doing when

I got home.

I think he's trying to figure out what you are up to. Somehow,

it makes me feel better that HE is stewing over it too!!

Yanno these men are of the same *breed!!! lol...

I just knew the UFO's were REAL!!!

[child_of_isis]

These are pretty good ones. Do you have her number?

 

* Him telling me he dosent love his wife, isnt happy and saying that he said he dosent want children as its the turth

 

 

 

* If I came back it woul be just for the sex and its not that I wouldnt want that but for now I need to make things work with wife

[imstunned]

I dont have her number. I dont think I'd call if I did either.

 

I feel a horrible mixture of things today. He tried to call me 5 times yesterday, texted twice. I ignored all attempts and he hasnt tried since. I feel exhausted. I feel upset. I feel angry. I feel confused. I feel a bit of regret about texting that yestersay along with temptation to text him some more (I WONT THOUGH).

 

I want to move on from this now but still miss the man I thought he was. Its really hard. Thanks for the support. x

[LucreziaBorgia]

IS, understand that it could very well be his wife using his phone to contact you, or him contacting you with her over his shoulder. It is not unusual after Dday for the BS and the WS(MM) to contact the OW and give the "I love my wife and I want you to leave us alone, or we will have a restraining order taken out on you" talk.

[frannie]

Thanks to every one for replying. I AM RAGING. I have been lied to and manipulated again! I told him I wouldnt contact him again - that he could be sure I wouldnt. And I wont. I also texted that I was devestated and that i loved him. WHAT AN IDIOT.

 

I have been thinking OVER AND OVER what he said. And I'm so angry. He ONLY called as he was terrified I would tell his wife. The guy is pettrified. He didnt call out of any regard for my feelings, only to passify me by saying sorry. Must have been EXCRUTCIATING for him. To have to say sorry, what I did was unforgivable, you didnt deserve to be treated like that. 20 minutes of me grilling him. He must have hated it. I told him OVER and over again that I thought he was a serial cheater - he said no I'm not. I said why did you give me a fake name then? "um, er". . I am certain he is. This is what he does. And he is used to getting away with it.

 

The more I have his voice going over in my head saying sorry I'm very sorry, the more angry I am. What he said didnt make sense - I said you are saying you love your wife but would have continued to see me if you hadnt have been caught. Those are not the words of a man that loves his wife. I said what the heck were you doing by doing what we did if you love your wife - "um, er, I was unhappy, confused, er" Quite. He cant deny what we did to me like he can his wife. I WAS THERE.

 

I dont think I am worthless. He is. And actually - in a bizzare way - him saying our affair would have continued had she not found out told me all I needed to know about him - he didnt reject me. He just got busted. He is busy now gaslighting the wife. Poor sod. Imagine having two kids to that looser.

 

imstunned, it's great to see you realising what's going on.

 

I loved reading this post from you, and especially the bit I've bolded. I think you need to keep going back to that statement from him, and your interpretation of it. Because that sums it all up, and it gives you your closure, if you want to take it.

[frannie]

I wont be basking in this for long, but it felt good/feels good for now. I'm BOUND to replase and come on here saying he is a nice person who made a mistake - but I dont think thats really the case. He made a mistake for sure - he got caught.

 

Yes, you are probably going to relapse at some point. Once this power you're feeling about him calling and you not answering starts to fade. Eventually he'll either get through to you one way or another (if that's possible) and probably manage to change the situation in some way, OR he'll give up calling. Then you will have to deal with that emptiness again... and possibly start to feel guilty, feel sorry for him, and wonder if you did the right thing. Just guessing... it could go all sorts of ways of course.

 

Perhaps, while you're feeling good and on a high, get yourself distracted from the whole situation. See some friends, whatever... just so you are not focused on the next text message or missed call from him..?

 

Good to see you doing OK imstunned x

[frannie]

IS, understand that it could very well be his wife using his phone to contact you, or him contacting you with her over his shoulder. It is not unusual after Dday for the BS and the WS(MM) to contact the OW and give the "I love my wife and I want you to leave us alone, or we will have a restraining order taken out on you" talk.

 

Hmm... he called her himself, so she knows it was him. Also... his offering 'just sex'... I can't really see that as being his W leaning over his shoulder..?

 

Or am I misunderstanding what you meant..?

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

"never say never. . but If I came back it would just be for sex, and its not that I wouldnt want that but at the moment I need to work on things with the wife " in a text - I cant figure out, nice guy or S**T head. Thats whats causing me the problems.

 

He told you that so that you have a bit of hope.

 

As long as you have hope you are going to try and be nice.

 

I think he is never going to come back to you for the simple reason that you keep saying "you are afraid I'll tell your wife."

 

He'd have to be positive that there is not a chance in hell that you'll tell his wife in order to come back to you.

 

The moment you are putting that doubt in his mind he'll run for the hills and never see you again.

 

All he did by calling was damage control. The fact that you are threatening to tell the wife, or putting that doubt in his mind, is making him dislike you with a passion.

 

Ariadne

[LucreziaBorgia]

Hmm... he called her himself, so she knows it was him. Also... his offering 'just sex'... I can't really see that as being his W leaning over his shoulder..?

 

Or am I misunderstanding what you meant..?

 

Nah, I meant the more recent calls that she didn't answer. There is no telling who it is doing the calling.

[imstunned]

Hi,

 

"never say never. . but If I came back it would just be for sex, and its not that I wouldnt want that but at the moment I need to work on things with the wife " in a text - I cant figure out, nice guy or S**T head. Thats whats causing me the problems.

 

He told you that so that you have a bit of hope.

 

As long as you have hope you are going to try and be nice.

 

I think he is never going to come back to you for the simple reason that you keep saying "you are afraid I'll tell your wife."

 

He'd have to be positive that there is not a chance in hell that you'll tell his wife in order to come back to you.

 

The moment you are putting that doubt in his mind he'll run for the hills and never see you again.

 

All he did by calling was damage control. The fact that you are threatening to tell the wife, or putting that doubt in his mind, is making him dislike you with a passion.

 

Ariadne

 

Ah - I;m not doing as well I as thought I was. Read that and just about had to chop off my arm to stop myself from texting him to tell him that I didnt mean anything by my text. That bit where you said he wont be comming back unless he knows I wont tell his wife struck me deeply. However he would never have called me at all had it not been for me putting fear into him by letting him know I know where he lives. I doubt I would have EVER got a call from him if it wasnt for that. I have no doubt he hates me with a passion, or hates the power he sees me as having with a passion.

 

LB - I get your point, that it could have been HER calling/texting after I texted him what I did. BUT it would seem a coincidence of the hugest proportions seing that it was minutes after I texted him, and he would have been at work.

 

There was NOTING that he said to me while on the phone that led me to believe that his wife was there- he said all sorts of nice things (nice lies) like how he would have kept on seeing me if he hadnt got caught and how taken by me he was, how attractive he found me..... cant see her standing next to him at the time.. . .

 

I'm already in a small relapse - feeling empty, sad, guilty, etc. . . . he has already given up calling me. But Frannie - you are right - I will keep reading that bit you bolded, as nice person or not- I dont really know, but I (rightly or wrongly) really need to hang on to that. AND I think thats true. After all its the way it went down.

 

I'm not really sure what to do with myself now. I always said I would contact him -and I did. Then he called and then yesterday happened - my little bit of revenge to make him sweat, and now I'm not sure what to do. Nothing I i know. Maybe I am guilty of not really realising that to keep on contact with him- EVEN in a negative way- is still simply a way to keep in tocuh with him. I should have seen that, and I dont think I did.

 

Thanks ever for the support. My real life friends are SICK of hearing about it. I'd be bursting if it wasnt for you.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

He would never have called me at all had it not been for me putting fear into him by letting him know I know where he lives.

 

Yes, he did call you. By threats and intimidation.

 

You just killed the chance of him coming back to you.

 

Which might be a good thing given his character (all the lies he told you about being dead in a mountain etc).

 

So, maybe it's all for the best.

 

Ariadne

[head.heart& hand]

 

 

This is VERY insightful. The tension, the argument, the expression of fears and disappointments, etc... is very intimate (often we mistake intimacy with only the loving, passionate, tender moments and not the other side of the coin--yet it is both). During the past few days, you were connected to him again, which gave you a rush! Yes, a rush of mixed emotions, some relief, and mostly a feeling of gaining control. Yet the high is wearing off as you aniticpated, and as you come down you are naturally drawn to get the buzz back and reconnect wiht him on some level (even a negative one- as you are still hurt, frustrated--, and even a bit sorry) In all relationships, tension seeks resolution ( whether achieved or not) and you are now feeling some ambivalence and craving that resolution on some level. HOWEVER, recognize that you are now experiencing an intimacy hangover and the solution is not to go back and get high ( or worse, apologize). The solution is to get back to a state of normalcy so you can be yourself again. When the pattern of drama subsides you will be a better parent , daughter, friend, etc... as you wont be distracted by the madness and pain of this ongoing situation.

 

This is so difficult and will take tremendous discipline. It will also take the support of a counselor, which you are well aware. I like the idea of blocking your phone from the mm. Now that would be taking and sustaining control--and a deliberate step in saying, enough. Do you have the strength to permanently cut him off?

[imstunned]

This is VERY insightful. The tension, the argument, the expression of fears and disappointments, etc... is very intimate (often we mistake intimacy with only the loving, passionate, tender moments and not the other side of the coin--yet it is both). During the past few days, you were connected to him again, which gave you a rush! Yes, a rush of mixed emotions, some relief, and mostly a feeling of gaining control. Yet the high is wearing off as you aniticpated, and as you come down you are naturally drawn to get the buzz back and reconnect wiht him on some level

 

Do you have the strength to permanently cut him off?

 

Thankyou for saying I am insightful. I feel anything but. I do have enough pride to not contact him again- today anyway - But strenght to permanenttly cut him off? I doubt it.

 

I feel stuck in the same situaion. Loose - loose. Which surely means I'm not seeing things straight?

[whichwayisup]

Remember and tell yourself this over and over again. NO new contact = NO new hurts.

 

If you contact him, ask yourself, "WHY am I doing this? What am I going to get out of contacting him?" You have to end the circle/cycle NOW and make yourself accountable to what you say. Follow through. You've told yourself (and us) that you will never contact him again, so don't. Stick to that promise! It may hurt and some days you may be itching to dial him, DON'T! Post here instead and vent it out. NO good will ever come of you contacting him. Ever.

[Nyx]

imstunned, I can understand why you want to make this man suffer. After everything you've been through, it would be hard to think of him getting off virtually scot-free. By putting doubt into his mind of your intentions you have made him feel anxious, frustrated, nervous and scared. No doubt he left you feeling that way when he went back to his wife.

 

You are in a powerful position. You may know you aren't going to contact his wife, but he doesn't! He will be sweating every time the phone rings, every time the post is delivered, every time the doorbell rings. Enjoy that level of control, the control he always took to be his, and if he tries to contact you again try and understand why he's doing it. Sorry to be harsh, but it won't be because he loves you and wants you back in his life. It will be because he's desperately trying to pull off a damage limitation exercise and say whatever is necessary to stop you telling his wife. (Even if you have no intention of doing that, but remember that's your secret!)

 

To say 'I'm never going to contact MM again' is a tall order. Never is a long time.

 

Do you think you can go one second from now without contacting him? Pathetically simple isn't it!

 

What about a minute - you can manage that easily can't you?

 

An hour - Try and think of something you can do for 60 minutes - it's not that long really is it.

 

12 hours - hmmm now it's getting tricky. It's going to be near impossible not to grieve, get angry and cry in that time, but see if you can last that long without texting/emailing/calling him and give yourself a pat on the back if you can.

 

24 hours - The night is long thinking of him with someone else, but it's 24 hours where you don't have to say goodbye to him as he leaves you once more to return to his wife. If you make it through another day be proud of yourself. Tell us you've done it.

 

There might well be setbacks. Smokers rarely give up on the first try - it's an addiction and it may take several attempts to kick the habit. If you fail the first time, it doesn't mean you will never succeed. You will do what's right for you in the long run and if it means dropping MM entirely it will happen.

 

What about a week? Wow, that seems like an immeasurable amount of time from now doesn't it. But don't look at a week yet, look at a second, a minute an hour, a day and mark each one that you haven't contacted MM as a success and continuing to get back control of your life.

 

A month - you can't possibly think that far ahead at this point can you. Don't. You can't imagine a month without seeing him or at least talking to him at the moment. If you get there and you will, even if it takes a few false starts ,you have taken a small step down the road to recovery of yourself.

 

That road is long and to multiply that month by 12 may seem impossible right now. If you can make it through a year without contacting or responding to him, try not to think about the might have beens, but have a great big party to celebrate and don't forget to brag about your success on these forums because you will have deserved it.

 

One second at a time...

[frannie]

I'm already in a small relapse - feeling empty, sad, guilty, etc. . . . he has already given up calling me. But Frannie - you are right - I will keep reading that bit you bolded, as nice person or not- I dont really know, but I (rightly or wrongly) really need to hang on to that. AND I think thats true. After all its the way it went down.

 

I'm not really sure what to do with myself now. I always said I would contact him -and I did. Then he called and then yesterday happened - my little bit of revenge to make him sweat, and now I'm not sure what to do. Nothing I i know. Maybe I am guilty of not really realising that to keep on contact with him- EVEN in a negative way- is still simply a way to keep in tocuh with him. I should have seen that, and I dont think I did.

 

That's ok imstunned, you are bound to feel empty and wondering where to go next, now that he's given up calling.

 

Have you tried what I said in my previous message, taking up something right now which will take your mind off it all, even if for short periods at a time? How is the rest of your life holding together, friends, daughter, etc?

 

Keep strong, and yes, as someone said, you have insight into your situation, and intelligence. You're not still going round and round in circles, really, even though it may look/seem like it at times. It all takes time, and unfortunately there's no quick fix...