He called me - Tiwce. TRUTH OR B*LL??

[imstunned]

I am becoming VERY popular at dinner parties and get togethers. Last night I had several people in tears of laughter with my tales of my brave mountianeer boyfriend who turned out to be married and had never probably seen a set of crampons in his life.

 

I too am able to laugh good and hard with them. Tonight I was out too - another family thing. Less hilarity tonight - and just a difficult evening for me. Its FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY. Couples and their kids. A cute little baby who must be the age of ex mm's youngest. I swear he could be that babys dad - beautiful baby, dark hair, dark eyes. All night I had to watch this babies real daddy looking after his baby and his pregnant gf (a family relation to me). I found it so so very difficult. Rather than taking my mind of anything it focused my mind on the fact that my exmm was probably dong just the same with his young children and wife.

I feel so so alone.

 

Now I have stirred things up with ex MM I'm sure he must hate me. The other day I didnt care what he thought - today I do. I am really stuggling and its so stupid. First the guy is a scumbag. Second he is a married scumbag. And third he is a married scumbag that dosent even want me. What the hell is the deal with this? I hope I'm just expecting too much for myself to be "over it" in less than 2 months. I think talking to him the other day has made it harder too. Despite it being a difficult couple of conversations It was just lovely to hear his voice.

 

I keep thinking that he has what I want - but just not with me. That his wife has just what I want. A HUSBAND! HIM!!! Then I think that i dont want a husband who did what he did - and then I think - ah, he just made a mistake - he perhaps hadnt done it before, and round and round I go again. i feel like a mad woman!! When on earth is it going to stop!

[LucreziaBorgia]

It will stop when you decide it is over. Right now your heart isn't convinced even though your head is pretty close to catching up to reality. It takes time.

[GreenEyedLady]

I keep thinking that he has what I want - but just not with me. That his wife has just what I want. A HUSBAND! HIM!!! Then I think that i dont want a husband who did what he did - and then I think - ah, he just made a mistake - he perhaps hadnt done it before, and round and round I go again.

 

You don't want to get married, just to be married...You have to be sure that the one you marry is the one for you...

 

He is not the one for you...He lied about his status, his name, he even said that he died (good lord)!

 

Your day will come...But you need a good, honest man...When the time is right you'll know it and there won't be a doubt in your mind...

 

(((HUGS)))

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

I know what you mean. About caring now, and about him having "what you want."

 

But with that guy I think you are much better off losing him, now "that" guy is a compulsive lier. I'm pretty sure he's cheated on his wife before. She probably knows this too, that's why she picked it up soon and called you.

 

Otherwise she wouldn't even have suspected.

 

And lol at the brave mountaineer. What a story.

 

I think you'll get over this pretty soon too, it was not what you call a deep connection. Especially if you can laugh at it already.

 

Ariadne

[White Flower]

I am becoming VERY popular at dinner parties and get togethers. Last night I had several people in tears of laughter with my tales of my brave mountianeer boyfriend who turned out to be married and had never probably seen a set of crampons in his life.

 

I too am able to laugh good and hard with them. Tonight I was out too - another family thing. Less hilarity tonight - and just a difficult evening for me. Its FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY. Couples and their kids. A cute little baby who must be the age of ex mm's youngest. I swear he could be that babys dad - beautiful baby, dark hair, dark eyes. All night I had to watch this babies real daddy looking after his baby and his pregnant gf (a family relation to me). I found it so so very difficult. Rather than taking my mind of anything it focused my mind on the fact that my exmm was probably dong just the same with his young children and wife.

I feel so so alone.

 

Now I have stirred things up with ex MM I'm sure he must hate me. The other day I didnt care what he thought - today I do. I am really stuggling and its so stupid. First the guy is a scumbag. Second he is a married scumbag. And third he is a married scumbag that dosent even want me. What the hell is the deal with this? I hope I'm just expecting too much for myself to be "over it" in less than 2 months. I think talking to him the other day has made it harder too. Despite it being a difficult couple of conversations It was just lovely to hear his voice.

 

I keep thinking that he has what I want - but just not with me. That his wife has just what I want. A HUSBAND! HIM!!! Then I think that i dont want a husband who did what he did - and then I think - ah, he just made a mistake - he perhaps hadnt done it before, and round and round I go again. i feel like a mad woman!! When on earth is it going to stop!

Darlin', I feel for ya. But I really love the fact that you will have a story to tell at parties for the rest of your life! And what a fantastic one. It doesn't feel like it right now, but you really will come to a point where you won't feel anything for him again.

 

I once met my first love at a wedding. I was so nervous! But, after seeing him and getting re-acquainted with him, I could see there really was nothing for us. We are completely different personalities once all the adrenaline wears off. I believe you will come to this point in the future.

[imstunned]

Thanks guys. I still very much need to post - and without you all replying I wouldnt post and would go nuts.

 

I know that I will be okay. I know I'm doing ok to be able to see the funny side and have a good laugh about it. But I'm still so so hurt, and so sad about the whole thing.

 

I cant believe I was taken in by such a tosser!! And I thought he was the nicest guy . . . .never mind x

[marlena]

I cant believe I was taken in by such a tosser!!

 

We all have been, Stun,at some point in our lives. This is the lesson you/I learned. Empowered with this knowledge, we will be able to sniff them out a mile away!

[White Flower]

We all have been, Stun,at some point in our lives. This is the lesson you/I learned. Empowered with this knowledge, we will be able to sniff them out a mile away!

Excellent!

[imstunned]

I can see the logic here - but I honestly dont believe I will see them comming next time. I have been in a hideous relationship before - and I was none the wiser with ex mm.

 

I also am wishing to god that I believed in Karma - but my faith in that has gone too. I feel like I am on a 3 day long come down. its horrible. My thumb is twitching to text something nasty - but I know that its motivated by the desire simply to keep in contact with him.

 

I hope he gets whats comming to him, and I really do hope that he isnt a nice guy that hasnt done it before - I hope that he is a SH*T who does it all the time.

[frannie]

I can see the logic here - but I honestly dont believe I will see them comming next time. I have been in a hideous relationship before - and I was none the wiser with ex mm.

 

imstunned, do you remember the times when you thought, 'this doesn't add up'?

 

Next time you get that, what will you do..? Have faith in your gut reaction and ability to detect BS, or just let it ride because you need to believe in someone..?

 

What you need to do is to work on becoming self-reliant and not dependent on another person to love you in order to feel good. You need to organise your life so that it's great the way it is with no man in it, even though yes, ultimately you want a man! That's for the future, however. First of all, work on you, work on loving yourself first and looking out for you and your child.

 

Then, when a man comes into your life who you're interested in, you won't be so keen to dismiss any negative gut feelings. You'll be thinking, hmm, this doesn't add up and I need to check this out. Or hmm, this man makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't think I'll see him again. Or whatever.

 

It's being self-reliant and happy without a man that will protect you in future. Your gut was right all along, but you just dismissed it. JMHO.

 

ETA: oh, just to add, that you can work on getting friends you can rely on, and running things past them too. Friends who love and support you and look out for you, you know they're worth their weight in gold.

[marlena]

Your gut was right all along, but you just dismissed it. JMHO.

 

 

Not a doubt in my mind at all regarding the above statement. We IGNORE, in our desperate yearning for a relationship, the little nagging feeling we get when something like you said "just doesn't add up." WHY? Like Frannie said, we haven't mastered the art of living well for ourselves and ourselves only!

 

Stun, believe me, the next time you encounter a loser, you won't be able to shrug off those faint nagging whispers so easily....If you/I do, then, obviously we haven't learnt our lesson well and have to repeat the course until we get it right!!

 

Hopefully, we'll get it right this time!

[imstunned]

imstunned, do you remember the times when you thought, 'this doesn't add up'?

 

Next time you get that, what will you do..? Have faith in your gut reaction and ability to detect BS, or just let it ride because you need to believe in someone..?

 

What you need to do is to work on becoming self-reliant and not dependent on another person to love you in order to feel good. You need to organise your life so that it's great the way it is with no man in it, even though yes, ultimately you want a man! That's for the future, however. First of all, work on you, work on loving yourself first and looking out for you and your child.

 

Then, when a man comes into your life who you're interested in, you won't be so keen to dismiss any negative gut feelings. You'll be thinking, hmm, this doesn't add up and I need to check this out. Or hmm, this man makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't think I'll see him again. Or whatever.

 

It's being self-reliant and happy without a man that will protect you in future. Your gut was right all along, but you just dismissed it. JMHO.

 

ETA: oh, just to add, that you can work on getting friends you can rely on, and running things past them too. Friends who love and support you and look out for you, you know they're worth their weight in gold.

 

Thanks for replying Frannie - I'm feeling very low and miserable and it means alot that there is still somebody to talk to about this. I see what you are saying - but with regard to my gut feelings- they were giving me mixed mesaages. I remmeber the first time he went away and pretended to be his friend etc - I spoke to everyone about it - saying this is a bit weird, dont you think. THEY ALL said sont be so silly. You are paranoid. Why on earth would somebody do that. You are going to ruin this for no reason.

 

I thought that they were right - that I was paranoid. I can be insecure and paranoid. I didnt ignore my gut out of desperation to believe in him, but simply becasue I didnt know if it was right or not. Dont forget my GUT feeling about him was that he was agood man and far far from a player. This is what STILL confuses me alot. My gut is either right or wrong. In this case it looks like is was right and wrong. . . .I wont know if its right or wrong in the future.

 

I will work on being happy in myeslf - though I think its hard to be truly happy when essentially you dont have what it is that you want in life. Family get togethers are hard, parties are hard, seeing dads in the street with their kids is hard, its all too hard. Perhaps when I get over ex mm it wont feel so bad.

[norajane]

I will work on being happy in myeslf - though I think its hard to be truly happy when essentially you dont have what it is that you want in life. Family get togethers are hard, parties are hard, seeing dads in the street with their kids is hard, its all too hard. Perhaps when I get over ex mm it wont feel so bad.

 

I think at some point, you have to make a choice to pick yourself up off the ground and dust yourself off and start thinking about what you DO have rather than what you don't have.

 

Instead of focusing on dads in the street, remind yourself of what a beautiful child you have at home. Remind yourself that you do have family and friends and a roof over your head and a job to feed yourself and your child - there are so many people out there who have much less than that. Remind yourself the best is yet to come, and if one loser guy that you had the misfortune to get involved with is the worst thing to happen to you this year, you are blessed indeed.

 

2008 is coming. Choose to wipe the slate clean and start fresh.

[child_of_isis]

Just think of it all as a bad role in a bad soap.

 

Of course you will miss your supporting partner for awhile....but it wasn't real.

 

Thanks guys. I still very much need to post - and without you all replying I wouldnt post and would go nuts.

 

I know that I will be okay. I know I'm doing ok to be able to see the funny side and have a good laugh about it. But I'm still so so hurt, and so sad about the whole thing.

 

I cant believe I was taken in by such a tosser!! And I thought he was the nicest guy . . . .never mind x

[frannie]

... with regard to my gut feelings- they were giving me mixed mesaages. I remmeber the first time he went away and pretended to be his friend etc - I spoke to everyone about it - saying this is a bit weird, dont you think. THEY ALL said sont be so silly. You are paranoid. Why on earth would somebody do that. You are going to ruin this for no reason.

 

I thought that they were right - that I was paranoid. I can be insecure and paranoid. I didnt ignore my gut out of desperation to believe in him, but simply becasue I didnt know if it was right or not. Dont forget my GUT feeling about him was that he was agood man and far far from a player. This is what STILL confuses me alot. My gut is either right or wrong. In this case it looks like is was right and wrong. . . .I wont know if its right or wrong in the future.

 

I will work on being happy in myeslf - though I think its hard to be truly happy when essentially you dont have what it is that you want in life. Family get togethers are hard, parties are hard, seeing dads in the street with their kids is hard, its all too hard. Perhaps when I get over ex mm it wont feel so bad.

 

Yes, I think everything is bound to be hard at the moment, no matter even if it were a simple break-up you would be feeling sad and down and wishing that things were different, especially at this time of year (((imstunned)))

 

So you were right, or had suspicions, but your friends were wrong, eh? What did they say about it when you told them you were right to suspect him..?

 

I think we're talking different terminology here with regard to gut feelings, etc. I don't think I'd call it a gut feeling that someone is a good man and not liable to be pretending to be someone he's not. I think you're right, we can all get somewhat paranoid, especially after such a bad experience, and start suspecting everyone of evil intent!

 

I think that good sense suggests we go into all situations being open and not pre-judging someone, but bearing in mind that until we really know them well, know their friends, their family often, their history, and having a long experience of how they deal with other people, with us, and so on, then all bets are off. We might feel yes, this person is looking good so far, but all the time bearing in mind we can't have the full picture yet. That doesn't mean being overly suspicious, but keeping an open mind.

 

Then, if something comes along and seems off, we listen to that. You know, I really think it needs to be that way round. Especially if like you, I, marlena and others who have posted on this thread, we're inclinded to give people the benefit of the doubt just once too often.

 

I'm not saying, imstunned, that you will never ever make another mistake. That's really unlikely! But remember the other part of the 'trust' post that I wrote on your other thread? Firstly, trust your gut and intuition to know what's what. You're always honing it, always testing it out if you like, and as marlena says... if we get it wrong again, we can always learn from that. There are no guarantees, but there's no real option short of swearing off relationships entirely! But the important part to remember is to trust something else: trust that if/when you get it wrong next time, you will survive.

 

The way you survive this time, how you handle it, how you become stronger, and all of that is not only something to go through now, but it's setting you up for future times when, in all probability, you'll have to cope with some other loss, mistake, or whatever.

 

You know, that's what life is about really... improving, making mistakes, trying again, learning from what happened. It's not so bad, really... and the prizes are worth it. That's what I tell myself, anyway

[imstunned]

Thanks again for the replies. I think part of the reason I am still in a spin about the whole thing is bacause of my gut instinct and whether I can trust it again in the future. I will next time be on the look out for a married man tricking me - wonder what I'll actually get and miss !!

 

I was very questioning towards my exmm - thats why I was actually suprised that he wanted to continue his affair with me once I found out. I am VERY open - and sometimes that can appear Confrontational. I questioned things that didnt add up - but I didnt push it as I didnt want to offend in case HE WAS UP A MOUNTAIN. I accpeted his answers, they were plausible after all.

 

My friends were truly shocked when I told them that he was married. I think we all felt that he was hamming things up to inmpress me - but we never any of us thought he was married. However I really think that may be due to his age - he was 26 when I met him, my male friends dont marry that young, (in fact most of them are still now married are anything near in their mid to late 30's) so perhaps thats what threw us?

 

Any way - next time i'm sure I will be wiser even though it may not feel like that now. I didnt feel flattered when my old flame made it clear that he wanted to have sex with me, a wee while ago I may have been flattered by that. I told him to get stuffed.

 

I am very grateful for what I have. I am lucky that my child is even alive given his start in life. I am also grateful that though Christmas will be hard for me knowing he is with his wife and kids, at least I wont be worrying about him being dead - thats what he was setting me up for! AND i now am actually grateful that its not me married to that looser. His marrage is literally a joke. I want more than that. I think I deserve better.

 

I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm tired, but - I think I am getting there xx

[Owl]

IMStunned-

 

Next time he texts you...forward them on to his wife, and ask for her to please put a stop to his behavior.

 

Realize I'm NOT telling you to do this to hurt his wife. Quite the opposite. HE was the one who hurt her by cheating with you in the first place.

 

She deserves to know the truth. And...you deserve peace, and a chance to move on to someone who deserves you.

 

Tell her the truth, if he comes to you again. Be honest and up front, and let her know that YOU are fighting to end this, but he won't leave you alone. Don't be angry with her...be honest with her. Its not HER fault either...its HIS.

 

Again, I'm not saying this to hurt anyone...well...maybe him. Because the only way he WILL stop is if he's FORCED to.

 

Realize this...he does want you. AND HE WANTS HIS WIFE TOO. See...he wants BOTH...mistress AND wife. And that's exactly what he's trying to get by calling you, but still begging you not to tell his wife.

 

He's a classic 'cake-eater'. And he'll keep it up until he's forced to stop. With his wife watching him like a hawk, he won't be able to keep texting/calling you all the time.

 

Put a stop to his stalking. If he bothers you again...don't warn him, don't tell him anything. Just let his wife know the truth, and let her know that you're fighting to get away from all of this and he won't leave you alone.

 

Then consider changing your phone number. Anything to make it so that he can't bother you further.

 

Make sense?

[imstunned]

IMStunned-

 

Next time he texts you...forward them on to his wife, and ask for her to please put a stop to his behavior.

 

Realize I'm NOT telling you to do this to hurt his wife. Quite the opposite. HE was the one who hurt her by cheating with you in the first place.

 

She deserves to know the truth. And...you deserve peace, and a chance to move on to someone who deserves you.

 

Tell her the truth, if he comes to you again. Be honest and up front, and let her know that YOU are fighting to end this, but he won't leave you alone. Don't be angry with her...be honest with her. Its not HER fault either...its HIS.

 

Again, I'm not saying this to hurt anyone...well...maybe him. Because the only way he WILL stop is if he's FORCED to.

 

Realize this...he does want you. AND HE WANTS HIS WIFE TOO. See...he wants BOTH...mistress AND wife. And that's exactly what he's trying to get by calling you, but still begging you not to tell his wife.

 

He's a classic 'cake-eater'. And he'll keep it up until he's forced to stop. With his wife watching him like a hawk, he won't be able to keep texting/calling you all the time.

 

Put a stop to his stalking. If he bothers you again...don't warn him, don't tell him anything. Just let his wife know the truth, and let her know that you're fighting to get away from all of this and he won't leave you alone.

 

Then consider changing your phone number. Anything to make it so that he can't bother you further.

 

Make sense?

 

I'm afraid that if anyone was doing the stalking after she found out it was me - I contacted HIM. He has NEVER contacted me except in repsonse to me contacting HIM. I have done it on 3 occasions in the 7 weeks since D-day. I doubt I will EVER hear from him again - not unless I contact him - which I wont. He dosent want me so whats the point. HE DID want a mistress and a wife - but thats changed now she has found out. And I suspect I'm far too bolshy a mistress for him. Too scary. Next time he will go for somebody far more passive. If there is a next time.

 

He only contacted me to do a damage limitation excercise - not to say he was comming back or anything like that. He said he would have continued seeing me had she not found out - and that he missed me - but he never said we would see each other again or anything like that.

[marlena]

The way you survive this time, how you handle it, how you become stronger, and all of that is not only something to go through now, but it's setting you up for future times when, in all probability, you'll have to cope with some other loss, mistake, or whatever.

 

 

 

Exactly! Every mistake you learn from makes you stronger and better able to cope the next time round. Seen in that light, it is not a mistake at all...but a path to wisdom.

 

You know, that's what life is about really... improving, making mistakes, trying again, learning from what happened. It's not so bad, really... and the prizes are worth it. That's what I tell myself, anyway

 

 

I tell myself the very same thing. So should you, Stun!