Where to go from here

[Rockster]

Hey everyone, I'm new here, but you seem like really helpful people.

 

I've been dating this woman for four months, and it got pretty serious. After two months she moved to a different city, but I'd go down there for a week or two here and there to spend time with her. About a week ago I got a very brief email from her saying she couldn't handle the long distance and couldn't be in a relationship with me but still loved me. (She's had bad experiences with long distance relationships in the past, were as I've had good experiences with them.)

 

That hurt me a lot, and after three days I decided she was confused and wrote her a letter saying I thought she was worth fighting for. Since that letter we've been talking and I made plans to go see her again, and it's been great. And I started looking for work in her area.

 

But then over the weekend I got a longer email from her saying she was really looking forward to seeing me but is afraid to commit to one person right now and wants the freedom to see other people and me. She still wants me to visit and sleep with me. (This confused me because she has said before that she is very monogamous, maybe she changed her mind?)

 

I don't know what to do. I love this woman more than I've ever loved anyone else before, and I've had may fair share of girlfriends. But I don't want to be used. We have really good times when we are together and I would hate to lose her as a friend, I'm just not sure how to proceed.

 

I haven't talked to her since, and have tried NC with other women, and while it helps me move on, I end up never talk to them again.

 

I'm a rather straight forward and honest guy, but she has a lot of trouble communicating and often bottles stuff up inside till she explodes. So being an honest guy I want to tell her that she hurt me, but that I would still like to maintain some kind of relationship with her. The two responses I've been considering are telling her she can contact me when she's over her relationship hang-ups, or try to notch it down a level and keep dating on a more lose basis.

 

Thanks for the advice, and I don't know if it matters, but she's an art girl.

 

In trying to move on I'm going to take up some dance or aikido classes.

[torranceshipman]

I think you should email her and tell her straight out that you are in this 100% or not at all - that she can't see you casually, because that's not what you want, its not fair on you and it'd hurt you. Tell her if she can't commit, you'll move on, period-and stick to it. Start trying to move on as soon as you've sent it, and let her come to you (or not).

[birdie]

does she know you are planning to get a job around where she lives now? if yes then it's bad news I'm afraid. can't really blame it on her previous past experiences as it is clear that you are committed to her. even if she is bad at communicating it's not really an excuse. I think you have to think very hard how long you allow this to continue for.