Still Talking To Her Ex???

[Confused708]

Hello,

 

Okay where do I start, this is going to be a long one. I've been in a long distance relationship for exactly a year now. Throughout the relationship we've stayed strong and very in love. But at the beginning, we both had just come out of other serious relationships, and met by chance and hit it off. So her ex-boyfriend, who had cheated on her to end their relationship, decides he's going to start harrassing her, and from what I knew until recently was still trying to get her to go and see him.

 

Throughout the past year, she has told me instances about how he approached her at the bar, or at work, or has emailed her. And when he see's us together he just stares, oh and also tries to inform her that he see's me out trying to pick up other girls, when he doesn't even know I don't even live in the same city. Or when I'm at work, she always wants to go out with her friends to a bar where she's know he'll be at, so she can rub her new appearance in his face, or is she just waiting for the fact of chance might have it, he'll try and get back with her. And on the other side, my ex-girlfriend who has nothing to do with me or my new relationship, at all, seems to be more of a problem to her than her ex-boyfriend is to me.

 

So, I try and explain to her, that at least my ex doesn't try to get a hold of me and doesn't try to come and see me. But yet she still rants on about me ex being a nuisance in our relationship, and she doesn't realize how uncomfortable her ex makes me feel, when he's actually trying to go and see her. She tells me she tells him to leave her alone, but is it all lies? So I sit her down one night and talk to her about it, she seems to understand, and things continue on.

 

A couple weeks later she comes down to see me, and I have to work night shifts. When I come home from work I decided to go check something about a cruise I wanted to take her on in December on Google. So I punch in the letter "C" for cruise, and up comes this certain name, of a girl her ex boyfriend is now dating. So I continue to scroll down the list, and find his name as well, and continue to find out that she, as everyone calls it, "creep'd" them on Facebook. So I log off and go to sleep. The next morning we get up and she tells me that he emailed her again, so I asked if I could see it, and if she told him to leave her alone. So she shows me the email and as it turns out she's logging into a totally different email address, with the letter he's sent her being the only one in there.

 

Now in my previous relationship, I had this problem with my ex, being on the computer all the time, looking for someone new, and talking to all these guys, so I installed a keylogger, and this reminiscent thought clued into my mind while all this is going on. So I remember her email address, and try to sign in with it, guessing that the password is his name, and bang I got in without using the keylogger. I look through her information, and find out that she created this address right when she told me she had blocked him and deleted him from the other one, and he is the only contact on this account. Now I'm really curious.

 

We decide to move in together, where she lives, and as I wait out my job's ending period I move all my stuff into her place, including both of my computers. But before I move the computers, I install keyloggers on both of them, I guess just out of insecurity from my last girlfriend, who I did catch trying to set up dates with other men online. But only for the purpose of finding out if she is secretly talking to her ex boyfriend or even meeting up with him.

 

What I did find is, yes she is still talking to him behind my back, according to what I read, she knows his every move, that he is out of town and wants him to let her know when he is coming back and she tells him what's going on in her life. Which reminded me, while on a trip with friends I weirdly ran into her ex in a hotel, and weirdly she knew exactly why he was there.

 

Again, I am confused. Is she still secretly in love with her exboyfriend? Should I confront her about it knowing she'll probably try and leave me first knowing I spyed on her? Should I let his new girlfriend know what's going and see what she thinks? I don't know what to do...It's really bugging me though, since I know the only reason she is jealous of my ex, is because she knows that she is still talking to hers.

 

On the other hand, she shows me so much affection, and love that I haven't had before in a woman. She's so kind and caring, has a lot of the same intentions for life that I do. It's so hard to believe that she could possibly still have something for this guy who broke her heart so many times. And if he's got a girlfriend and she's got a boyfriend who she says she loves and wants to marry and start a life with, why would she even think about him knowing he's willing to cheat on his current girlfriend, to get back with one he cheated on. She'd be stupid to do so.

 

She knows I don't want her talking to him, but still does, how do you get it to stop? I know keyloggers seem a little rough and sketchy, since it is spying, but everytime I have spied I've found something, and these are indeed MY computers. With another fact that she's always trying to see what I'm doing on the computer, and I don't bother with her, knowing I'm going to see it anyways, when's she's not around. But again that's her guilty conscience knowing that she's doing this behind my back.

 

Which is what makes me so confused. I don't know, any advice will help, I'm confused and scared on what I should do...

[amethystshamrock]

I would say talk to her about it. Try to get the truth out of her before telling her you spied. If she still isn't honest with you, let her know that you know she is lying. If she really loves and wants to be with you she will fess up to what she is doing and why.

 

She may just want a friendship with him but she has to sneak because she knows you don't want her talking to him. When you really love someone it is hard to let them go completely.

 

It could be innocent like that or she may be doing it for another reason. You gotta talk and try to figure it out. But bottom line is that if you don't trust her you probably shouldn't be together.

[Confused708]

Thanks, I'll try that. Even though if she does lie to me, it'll make things hurt worse, and I will bring up that I installed the keylogger, with a letter I just wrote explained how I feel about the whole deal, that's if she lies. I do know she loves me, I just know there is just something she can't let go of from her past, but I want her to come out and be honest with me about it. There's really no reason why she should want to be friends with him, since he repeatedly cheated on her.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

I broke up with someone to date the man I married. That was years ago. My ex boyfriend has been in my life for many years and has befriended my parents and siblings.

 

Recently he has come back into my life and I want to keep the FRIENDSHIP. He means as much to me as anyone. I love him, but am not "in love" with him. BIG DIFFERENCE.

 

You truly can be friends with people you nearly spent the rest of your life with.. People do grow up and love can be made into a beautiful friendship.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry but I disagree. A key point here is that she is deliberately lying to you about communications with him. How can you move in with somebody who continues to lie to you about her ex and continues to contact and follow him behind your back? I am sorry but this is a huge red flag.

 

This guy cheated on her and yet clearly she can't let go. How do you think she would be acting if the roles were reversed? Clearly she is not over him and seems to have no problem lying about her communications with him to you. I think you have a huge problem and down deep you know this also. If she is so good about lying to you about this then what else is she good lying to you about? Protect yourself. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes.

[Confused708]

True. Right after my second post, I took her for a ride to talk. At first I did ask her, "Are you still talking to him?". She immediately said "No". Than I brought up what I had done with the computer, and she got defensive and mad. She stated the fact that, yes, he approached her one day, and than wrote her a email, and what I found was the reply to him. But yet the reply sounded as if, this was going on longer with stuff like "Sorry I haven't wrote you in awhile", and with the whole fact that she knows his where abouts and ask when he was coming back. I'm still confused about this, she apologized in the manner that she didn't tell me because she didn't want me to flip out or get mad, when all along she knew how I felt about him always trying to see her and get her to do stuff with him, so I told her the next time he writes her, I get to write him myself. Which is why I agree about the "Good lieing" part, is she actually seeing him when I'm not around, also he did write her back, so obviously she didn't want me to say anything to him. She also told me after we met, that they had went for a coffee a couple times, which she figured she had told me before, but it was all news to me when she brought it up just the other day. I don't know, I mean as honest as I am and make things sound, I can say that the two times I have ever caught her lieing, were over him. She feels like she could still be friends with him , she brought that up to me, but I told her it's going to have to wait. I really have no reason to hate the guy other than the fact that he still tries to stay in contact with her to the point where he's asking her to do things alone, which alone drives me bonkers. I don't see a problem with them being friends a little later down the line, but right now it's not going to stand with what's going on, obviously there are still feelings coming from both parties, if it drives them to be "Secret" about it. I have no idea what I'm going to do about this, I know I'm going to bring it back up with her, because since we've talked about it, I've thought alot about it and become more aware of other little things that could be big things. So far she deleted the other email account, even though I know he can still email her main account, also I do still talk with one of "our" ex-friends who basically knows almost everything about her, I wonder if I should even bother to ask, because she would tell me the truth about it. If it continues to go on, as I will find out, I'm done, here's her second chance at replenishing this trust....