Why does this keep happening to me? (sorry for the long post)

[nitelifeguy]

We thought we were in love.We had the most amazing chemistry when we first met.We weathered every domestic storm and every crisis.I thought nothing in the world would ever break us apart..After four years of dating to ensure that she was "the one"..I knew it was time to marry her...And it was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives...

 

But marriage changed everything....

 

After nine years of marriage and together for thirteen,My wife told me a month ago that she "want's her divorce" because "fell out of love" with me and gave no reasons for why she fell out of love..It has been the most painful thing to experience and it does make me feel rejected and broken..We had our share of problems.We seperated twice since getting married in 1998..First time was in 2000,when she left me for only a week and she quickly realized it was a mistake.Then again 3 years ago for 3 months.I was devastated then...During that seperation,she filed for divorce,left with our 3 yo daughter to visit someone she met online who paid for airfare...came back a week later looking disheveled and guilty with 'hickeys' on her neck...Obviously cheated...Soon after,she found someone else new online and pursuaded the person to travel 900 miles to move in with her...I gave up hope at that point and met someone online too who was going through what I was going through and was planning a trip to see her in an effort to seek comfort and healing..Once I told the wife that I was leaving soon to meet someone and after 2 weeks of NC. She must have realized that she didn't want to lose me cause she called my two phones in a panic about an "emergency" and she wanted to talk about something important..I met her a few blocks from the house and that's when she started crying in my chest saying that she didn't want to lose me and throw away 10 years..She denied cheating and said that the signs were all setups cause “she wanted me back”,then sent the other person packing back to wherever he came from. During that seperation, I admitted that I had problems with anger/anxiety and alcohol abuse issues,which led to that breakup…But after reconciliating, I found a new job I loved, got help for my mental health issues and over the course of the next 3 years, I felt that our love for one another was reborn. Six months later, on a family trip, in the car she held my hand and said,

 

“I love you and I’m not letting anything get between us ever again”.

 

I responded “You promise?” and she said:

 

“Yeah, I do..you have nothing to worry about ever anymore!”

 

I believed and trusted her…

 

From that moment on things were getting better by the day. I was being more romantic with her and she was happy for every gesture. We promised to communicate entirely when we were feeling out of sorts..But in late 2006,things began to get dicey. I had lost a job and work was tough to find in our area that winter. We were struggling financially,we’ve been down the road before and we always made a commitment to get through it together as a family and a team. But the meds I was on were making me feel a bit apathetic to the whole situation. Things weren’t moving forward as much as I would of liked them to go. I found a job training program but had to drop out due to my vehicle breaking down. But I knew that no matter what, I loved her and my daughter and was praying for strength each and every day. We didn’t argue very often during this time, in fact we laughed about things that we felt we had no control over…Again,teamwork and belief that things would turn around. But our love life was slowing down a bit. She said it was due to female issues from having diabetes hmmm ,however, each and every day she told me that she loved me and I asked her in return “yeah..a lot” and she said “Of course I do,why do you say that?”..

 

That went on up until late September. When out of the blue and without warning. She asked me to set up a MySpace profile because she was looking to meet new friends. She never had many friends in our area and I thought it would be something that may help get her mind off of the life problems…

 

Little did I know that it was meant to be an escape…from me…A slow and painful descent of days and nights addicted to finding other men who would listen to her…

 

It finally came to a head on October 19th, when after pleading with her to come to bed, from not sleeping with me for a week. I said “You know,this is not a marriage anymore when you spend all day and night on that thing” and after getting into it for about 20 min..She comes into the other room and drops the bomb on me.

 

“I want my divorce”

 

I asked “Why?“

 

and I get the proverbial “I fell out of love with you!” as a reason..

 

Then continued; “It has nothing to do with you..maybe it’s me…I just can’t feel it anymore…I tried for the longest time”

 

But she couldn’t even make eye contact while uttering these words..She looked straight down at the floor..

 

Was it because she didn’t want to see the pain in my eyes? Was it confusion? Only she will know the answers to that…That was a month ago..And each day has been bringing more pain and grief..

 

Since then she has been in this state of anger and rage.Like a roller coaster.The first few weeks were a series of nasty voice mails left on my cell phone.All things ranging from accusing me of doing things to her that I wasn't to her to or that I was spying on her online.The first few nights,she would call my cell at all hours of the night. 3AM or what not. Just to get a hunch if i'm out with someone. When the fact was I was in a dark room crying for the most part..

 

It got so bad that she became a person I didn't even recognize anymore..Saying one thing one minute and the opposite the next day..Up and down like a see-saw..Unpredictable anger spweing venom.But soon after it seemed like she was sending me a message for me to decode..On Halloween early in the morning,she left a voice mail and it was a recording of her talking on her home line to a friend. All I heard that was distinct was this:

 

"If i'm gonna live like that I might as well live by myself..you know..I mean..I told him before he left...If you're gonna cheat on me...you know...just do it quietly...don't kill me..(laughs)..send your daughter some money...I don't wanna know who your with..."

 

So this is the message? This is the underlying reason for breaking up with me? Because she thought that I CHEATED!! Well,who is the one who spent five weeks on MySpace accumulating 90 male friends?? Who was the one who ran off with our daughter 3 years ago and came home with hickeys on her neck and was found curled up in a fetal position on our sofa?? Throughout our thirteen year relationship..I have never ever been with another woman and I will gladly take a polygraph to prove it...Anytime day or night...

 

I'll post more as needed but I would appreciate any input...

[Chrome Barracuda]

Drop her quickly, this chick doesnt understand the meaning of love and loyalty.

 

I'm sorry but you need to move on with her life. She's in a dangerous MLC and doesnt know which way is up. Protect your kid and allow her no where near her mother without a court order!

[Melovator]

So where's your daughter in all this? You barely mention her. She's kind of the person that gets no say in this whole situation and thus she's the one YOU need to be thinking about the most. Children don't get to make choices about their lives its up to the adults in their lives to do that.

 

Are you working at the moment? and if so, is that her reason for her cryptic phone messages which seem to imply that her running around like some internet slut is okay behaviour for the mother of a six year old? If you aren't working why? You are clearly articulate. Is it because of the medication?Have you've discussed the apathy side effect of your medication with your Dr- is there another option that wouldn't have that side effect?

 

Sorry to be nosey its just otherwise all that's left to say is CB is right- get your daughter and move on! Because it sounds like your W is well... weak as piss. When it all gets too hard she kicks up some drama and leaves for what she thinks are greener pastures. She probably has security issues, and self esteem issues and well sh*t you've probably got issues too but it sounds like you've made some effort to deal with them.

 

Seriously see this as an opportunity to knock the rest of your issues on their asses and out of your head, take care of yourself and your daughter.

[nitelifeguy]

So where's your daughter in all this? You barely mention her. She's kind of the person that gets no say in this whole situation and thus she's the one YOU need to be thinking about the most. Children don't get to make choices about their lives its up to the adults in their lives to do that.

 

Are you working at the moment? and if so, is that her reason for her cryptic phone messages which seem to imply that her running around like some internet slut is okay behaviour for the mother of a six year old? If you aren't working why? You are clearly articulate. Is it because of the medication?Have you've discussed the apathy side effect of your medication with your Dr- is there another option that wouldn't have that side effect?

 

Sorry to be nosey its just otherwise all that's left to say is CB is right- get your daughter and move on! Because it sounds like your W is well... weak as piss. When it all gets too hard she kicks up some drama and leaves for what she thinks are greener pastures. She probably has security issues, and self esteem issues and well sh*t you've probably got issues too but it sounds like you've made some effort to deal with them.

 

Seriously see this as an opportunity to knock the rest of your issues on their asses and out of your head, take care of yourself and your daughter.

 

Thanks for the comment..I am working now..As I stated,I got hired to a new job about a week after she asked me to leave.Been doing well so far and when I kept mentioning the fact that I am doing well at work now,all I got was

 

"Oh,why couldn't you do all this while you were here! Well,too little..too late!" in this angry tone of voice..

 

As far as my daughter,she has custody now...My W is an overprotective mother and would not do anything to jeapordize her well being...Seems like she's only putting me through this...My daughter has ADHD and has problems with transitions so I don't think the W is going to wreak havoc on her life...At least I hope not...I've visited my daughter several times this past month and she doesn't appear to be to affected by it...But a 6 year old may not be able to express her feelings about this because the W is sheilding the truth from her right now.She's telling her that i'm "on vacation" at granparent's home...Which just kills me inside..I hope to have a child custody arrangement that we can agree on...

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thanks for the comment..I am working now..As I stated,I got hired to a new job about a week after she asked me to leave.Been doing well so far and when I kept mentioning the fact that I am doing well at work now,all I got was

 

"Oh,why couldn't you do all this while you were here! Well,too little..too late!" in this angry tone of voice..

 

As far as my daughter,she has custody now...My W is an overprotective mother and would not do anything to jeapordize her well being...Seems like she's only putting me through this...My daughter has ADHD and has problems with transitions so I don't think the W is going to wreak havoc on her life...At least I hope not...I've visited my daughter several times this past month and she doesn't appear to be to affected by it...But a 6 year old may not be able to express her feelings about this because the W is sheilding the truth from her right now.She's telling her that i'm "on vacation" at granparent's home...Which just kills me inside..I hope to have a child custody arrangement that we can agree on...

 

I dont give a damn if she's wolverine on steroids. You protect your daughter!!! What if your daughter meets one of these OM and their a pedophile? Then what?

 

Why should she have full custody?

 

If anything you should go for joint!

 

Dont go back to this woman divorce her and move on even now she aint remorseful for what she done! Why be with a woman so evil!

[nitelifeguy]

I dont give a damn if she's wolverine on steroids. You protect your daughter!!! What if your daughter meets one of these OM and their a pedophile? Then what?

 

Why should she have full custody?

 

If anything you should go for joint!

 

Dont go back to this woman divorce her and move on even now she aint remorseful for what she done! Why be with a woman so evil!

 

 

Well,it's a bit problematic right now...I found out yesterday that she took my daughter out of state to live with her sister 350 miles away! Supposedly her sister and her sister's boyfriend drove up to get them.. She called and left a message and by the time it was retrieved...Long gone...My W lied and said that she was considering moving in the future...I was hoping to get legal action this week to prevent that but it's a bit too late for that now...I do hope she is where she says she's going to be because I haven't heard from her since 2PM yesterday...

 

So how the hell do I get my daughter back to my home state? They say it's easier to keep the child in state as opposed to getting them back when the custodial parent pulls a move away...I have a feeling this is going to be really hard to accomplish...I'm worried as all hell...

[noturtypicalwife]

Just a quick blurb for you. When a spouse takes a child out of state without consent or knowledge of another spouse it can be considered kidnapping. I am not sure of the laws in your state, but this happened to me I went to the probate court(which is our family court) and filed papers to get a judge to make him come back with the child. We were in the process of seperating, but unless he had my consent taking the child out of state was not an option even with family. I assume she is mentally stable, if there is even a doubt of the child's welfare or safety then YOU need to file an emergency order with the court system, you could also call DSS in your state and wherever she is and let them know, they may have some answers as well. Good Luck.

[noturtypicalwife]

one more thing if your involved in the court system already as it appears and she was granted custody, read the guidlines to that custody order, I doubt it states out of state would be o.k. Do you have a Guardian from the courthouse for your daughter? You need to get an emergency order and base it on the child's safety with the mother, write an affidavit saying exactly that you feel she is depressed, and needs help physcologically and that without that help and your daughter within 20 miles of you could serve to be dangerous conditions.

[nitelifeguy]

Thanks for the info...My biggest mistake was not seeking an emergency order...I haven't heard from wife or daughter since Sunday in which she lied to me about her departure time..probably to get out of there before I had the chance to try and stop her...Which now makes me suspicious of her claims of being with family and makes me really concerned for my daughter's well being...

 

Do I hire a private investigator to have her tracked down? Or could I use the family court system? Is there any way to report the fact that their wherabouts are unknown to a federal or state agency?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why the hell is this woman an automatic custodial parent.

 

Go to the cops and get a lawyer involved! This is serious business. I seen one girl taken out of her home because she ran away and guess what she she was doing all that time. Selling her body turning tricks and she was only 13!!!

 

Trust me partna. Your ex wife isnt in the right state of mind to be taking the kids anywhere!

 

I dont give a dman if she's with family!! confirm that!

 

Do what you must!

 

If you gotta go to the police station with a lawyer in to and get some sort of extradiction order forcing her back home on charges of kidnapping then you do so. Consequences be damned. You can worry about the divorce later. She shouldnt take your child anywhere!

 

What's holding you back from going to the cops with all that information asap! She's a danger to your child dumbass! You may not see it but I do.

[nitelifeguy]

Dude Take It Easy! There Is No Need For Name Calling!! I Don't Know Where She Is For Sure!! What Am I Going To Tell Them...they Told Me Without A Court Order She Can Go Wherever She Wants And There Isn't A Damn Thing They Can Do About It..i'm In Vt And That's What The Cops Told Me The Last Time I Reported Her Missing...

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude Take It Easy! There Is No Need For Name Calling!! I Don't Know Where She Is For Sure!! What Am I Going To Tell Them...they Told Me Without A Court Order She Can Go Wherever She Wants And There Isn't A Damn Thing They Can Do About It..i'm In Vt And That's What The Cops Told Me The Last Time I Reported Her Missing...

 

You know I wonder what would happen if a man decided to pull a stunt like this and take his children away from their mother over long periods of time?

 

You think she would be sitting on her ass. Nope.

 

They say you need a court order, then why arent you getting one? Are you getting your ducks in a row or something?

 

I'm kinda agitated because dudes allow this to happen with their children. I'd bury a bitch that tried to unrightfully take my kids without my consent or my knowing. I'd hunt her to the end's of the earth!

 

Right is right and wrong is wrong, man. period!

 

What she did is wrong. She didnt have a court order on you proclaiming your a danger to her safety or the children's so why did you let it slide?

 

IDK I just feel that your too passive about the situation, where's your anger? Where's your fire?

[noturtypicalwife]

If that is what the police said to you, you could like I said call DSS Department Of Social Services and let them know where you think she is, their job is the childs welfare regardless of anyother situation. Do you have a lawyer? It's expensive but worth it! Get an emergency order from your court house, have her served at her sisters or wherever you think she is, tell them exactly what you said. Someone between court and DSS will be able to help you. The police seem like they think its all domestic. They try not to deal with it, ask to speak to a sargeant or supervisor, and say look I am not ok with you ignoring the fact that my wife is not mentally herself and she took our child while I was at work and I have not heard from her, tell them to contact the police of where u think she is and have them look into it to at least make sure your daughter is o.k.

[curiousnycgirl]

Holy smokes you have a lot going on! And if I am reading this all correctly it has happened very quickly - all in about a month? I guess it must be unlikely that you guys really have all the legalities in order.

 

I agree with all the other posters, your first priority must be your daughter. You must hire a lawyer immediately if you haven't already, and you need to get that lawyer to take action ASAP. G-d only knows what your wife is saying to your daughter at this point!

 

I am sure you are hurting beyond anything one could imagine - first by your wife and her hurtful BS (btw that phone message sounds to me like she is telling other people that you left her vs. her throwing you out - so that may be a story she is telling everyone, possibly to get them on her side) - then your daughter disappearing. There is no way you can handle all this yourself, without an expert.

 

Keep us posted - my heart goes out to you!

[nitelifeguy]

Let's answer these questions one by one...

 

You know I wonder what would happen if a man decided to pull a stunt like this and take his children away from their mother over long periods of time?

 

She would have to prove that the child is in "imminent danger"

 

You think she would be sitting on her ass. Nope.

 

i agree..and it will get told to her the way it was told to me...

 

They say you need a court order, then why arent you getting one? Are you getting your ducks in a row or something?

 

I am looking into my options but from the research i've done and my experiences with law enforcement here that there is no recourse without a custody agreement in place.In this case,since the spouse left the state without an agreement,it's highly unlikely that she will respond to a custody hearing in this state..The lawyer told me I would then have to file the motion in the county she is residing in now..But I don't know where that is..It's what i've been trying to say here...I think she has been lying to me about her destination these past four weeks..Changing the date and locations and intentions every other day..So I just didn't believe her about anything at that point and figured that she wasn't going anywhere...

 

I'm kinda agitated because dudes allow this to happen with their children. I'd bury a bitch that tried to unrightfully take my kids without my consent or my knowing. I'd hunt her to the end's of the earth!

 

I didn't "allow" this to happen..It was orchestrated through lies and deceit on her part..Obviously to cover up the guilt and spare me the pain of knowing that she's going to be with another man...

 

Right is right and wrong is wrong, man. period!

 

I agree,but try explaining that to a woman filled with anger and selfishness now.It will only drive her to further efforts to keep my daughter from me...Believe me..I went down the angry/vengeful road the last time out and it got me nowhere...

 

What she did is wrong. She didnt have a court order on you proclaiming your a danger to her safety or the children's so why did you let it slide?

 

She is the one who wants the divorce..She is the petitioner here...I assumed that she was going to file here in my state,like she claimed she did 2 weeks ago...Nothing about this makes sense right now...

 

IDK I just feel that your too passive about the situation, where's your anger? Where's your fire?

 

As I mentioned before..Anger only responds with counter anger...Vengance only responds with counter vengance...Get it so far? Someone has to be the adult and use calm resolve...Going nuts and reducing myself to her level is not going to fix my problem right now..I need a plan,a strategy and the love of god to get me through this crisis..I will prevail in the end as long as I keep my head about it...

[Chrome Barracuda]

Let's answer these questions one by one...

 

 

 

As I mentioned before..Anger only responds with counter anger...Vengance only responds with counter vengance...Get it so far? Someone has to be the adult and use calm resolve...Going nuts and reducing myself to her level is not going to fix my problem right now..I need a plan,a strategy and the love of god to get me through this crisis..I will prevail in the end as long as I keep my head about it...

 

 

Look man as long as you got a gameplan. You should have no problem getting your daughter back but what shes done is highly illegal, once you find out where she is have her served and be done with. Go get your daughter.

 

I dont get how the courts can just allow this stuff to happen? Have you gotten an aggressive lawyer.

 

I mean there must be something you could do, she's trying to erase you out of your kids life.

 

I understand why you dont want to go on the offensive but as long as you be passive she'll keep being defiant. Take it from me. A good offense could make you or break you. Dont let this stand.

 

Do what must be done.

[nitelifeguy]

Look man as long as you got a gameplan. You should have no problem getting your daughter back but what shes done is highly illegal, once you find out where she is have her served and be done with. Go get your daughter.

 

I dont get how the courts can just allow this stuff to happen? Have you gotten an aggressive lawyer.

 

I mean there must be something you could do, she's trying to erase you out of your kids life.

 

I understand why you dont want to go on the offensive but as long as you be passive she'll keep being defiant. Take it from me. A good offense could make you or break you. Dont let this stand.

 

Do what must be done.

 

Well I heard from the W on Tuesday..She is at her sisters home..voice mail system announced the number she was calling from and it matches her sister's home number..Called yesterday as well saying that everything is fine...She's not "erasing" my child out of my life..In fact,she wants to make sure I talk to her as much as possible...For someone as emotionally unstable now she is calling me more than when she was here...i dunno what's up with that...but all options are on the table at this juncture and I will consult with professionals to see what the best one is for me...

 

It ain't over until the fat lady sings my man....