I'm the shy guy.

[soulquest]

There's this girl in my school who I really really really like. And the thing is, I'm really shy to talk to her . She's like this perfect girl. Many many guys liked her as well. Comparing me with those guys, I'm nothing. They are smart, funny, rich and popular. I just wanted a friendship with her, but I fear that I'm not good enough for her and the whole thing might end out as a disappointment. Can anyone offer any help?

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE:

 

1. "And the thing is, I'm really shy to talk to her ."

 

Well, that won't cut it and the world doesn't give a damned that you are shy. If you don't break out of that real fast, you'll be lost in the dust. It's up to you get get over it by yourself, by reading, or by getting professional help.

 

She's already got enough people who talk to her. If you don't speak up, it's highly unlikely she'll ever remember you existed. You're the ONLY person who can talk to her if that's what you want to do. You could learn ventriloquism and let your dummy do that talking. That may be a very novel approach, come to think of it.

 

2. "She's like this perfect girl."

 

In your eyes, maybe. But I promise you when she wakes up in the morning she's got bad breath. She makes mistakes. See if she'll come out in front of everybody without make-up on. Have you seen her grades in school? What constitutes perfect to you....nobody wants somebody who is perfect. That sucks!

 

3. "Many many guys liked her as well."

 

She ought to be happy about that. So you have some competition. That's great. She'll be able to pick the guys SHE thinks are perfect and find out for herself that they aren't. HA!

 

4. "Comparing me with those guys, I'm nothing."

 

Why are you comparing yourself to other people. That's pretty insane. And with that kind of attitude, you wouldn't stand a chance with my cat much less this perfect gal.

 

5. "They are smart, funny, rich and popular."

 

And exactly how do you know this. Have you seen their IQ scores, their parent's financial statement and mortgage balance??? They obviously exude confidence and all those qualities you mention above because their attitude is much different than yours.

 

6. "I just wanted a friendship with her, but I fear that I'm not good enough for her and the whole thing might end out as a disappointment."

 

So in addition to having a pathetically low opinion of yourself, you aren't honest either. You want lots more than a friendship with her. People don't come on here posting about women they want to be buddies with. Or are you saying you feel that's about all you might qualify for in her life??? Unless you change your attitude and feelings about yourself, I don't think she would want to throw you in the trash pile in her yard much less be your friend.

 

And, for sure, start being honest for yourself. Go for the gold. You really like this girl and you want a date with her. Why live a lie and just be her friend when you want to be more.

 

7. "Can anyone offer any help?"

 

I can't help you get this girl but I can tell you about your desperate need for work on your feelings about yourself. If you don't think you're worthy of a great girl, why should she??? Go do something about this NOW!!!

[flower]

Self-confidence is very important to attract a great girl...a definite must! You have vast room for improvement in this area..get going.

[cozmonort]

I agree, I was the shy guy once and lost on a lot of relationships because of it and to be honest I still am shy but know I actally talk. If you never get over that first push you will be very lonely. You just got to push those worsds out of your mouth, I know they get stuck at the back of your throught and I know everytime you go to talk to her you turn away because you can't. BUT YOU MUST or you will be going round in circles and not with just her and don't go over the top or your confidence might get a real brusing just go there to talk at first and find out if shes interested in you you'll probably realise it straght away. If not at least you got over that first step and tried

 

 

coz

[soulquest]

But I have serious problems with talking to people, not just girls. I always run out of topics to talk about. This irritates me a lot cos I hate this awkward situation. How can I start a good conversation? And how can I keep it up?

[cozmonort]

Find something your interested or take seriously when it comes to people you talk to in general for instance your talking to me right now aren't you ? I also find that talking in groups help especially when theres a chatter box there since in groups other people can fill the gaps.

 

As for this girl your interested in has she got any interests, if she has talk about them, talk about here, ask how her days been (even if you already know), the only problem is if your both shy (and if she likes you) you will reach a point were you both run out of things to say. If she does like you and your shore of it this silence is what kissing is made four.

 

Whatever you do when talking to people try to look at them when talking to them (this does not mean at there feet or chest ) make eye contact remember to move your mouth when talking, dont mumble and don't turn away while your saying something, this makes it hard for people to talk to you, people start to think your shy or rood, ad makes you look like a victem (people will start to pick on you) and people will start to avoid talking to you.

 

The bottom line is when it comes to making friends/girlfriends it's all about confidence in YOURSELF.

 

Hope my advice is helpful, I've been through all of this myself and I still mumble when in a stressful situation but instead of turning away when I'm talking to people I've realised I've started to grab the back of my neck sometimes (this also helps releave stress because your supporting your head).

 

Tell me how it goes for you or if you need more advice. Whetever you do avoid self hurt.

 

 

coz

[Clancy]

SoulGuest, if your self esteem wasn't at rock bottom before I'm sure it is now that Tony's message has laid waste to whatever positive feelings you may have had for yourself.

 

Lots of people are in the position you are in. And being in love with a girl you can't have is part of high school for plenty of guys. The question is what are you going to do about.

 

I'll be blunt and tell you that it's not likely that you'll be able to improve yourself fast enough to get this girl this year or even next year. But trust me there will be other girls you fall for like this and do you want to go through the rest of your life afraid and shy...and losing out all of the time?

 

It's time to put yourself on a program of self improvement. You need to learn , through books, like Tony suggested, or by finding self-help groups in your area. Look for books at a large book store that promise to "awaken the giant within", "build self-confidence", "become all you can be" and so on.

 

Buy one of those books that seems intersesting and readable to you and study it like the rest of your life depends on it which, in a way it does. If that book doesn't turn out to be what you hoped for throw it away and buy another one until you find the one you need.

 

Basically, what you are feeling is that you are not good enough and you've got to get over that. Yopu've got to turn lousy feelings into powerful positive feelings.

 

You've got a journey to start now. If you start learning now, how to be a strong person inside; confident and at peace with yourself then you'll find yourself talking to and having relationships with lots of wonderful girls. Get that book today.

[soulquest]

Thanks for all your advice, especially cozmonort and clancy. I'll do my best to improve myself.

[kitari]

I'm a bit like that you except maybe worst... i have no problem socialising with guys... especially my old friends...

 

but recently i changed classes... and whenever i go to school all goes to hell... i really miss the good days i spent with my pals in my old class... perhaps coz i come from a non co-ed school... i dunno... i have no idea how i would fare... maybe real badly in the eyes of a girl?... oh yeah by the way if they say girls dun really care abt looks? bull****... they do... in the end its the personality counts... yes that MAY be the case... and it MAY NOT be the case as well... so screw those lies...

[dudesomewhere]

"Comparing me with those guys, I'm nothing. They are smart, funny, rich and popular. I just wanted a friendship with her, but I fear that I'm not good enough for her and the whole thing might end out as a disappointment. Can anyone offer any help?"

 

 

 

Now, I'm not smart, funny, rich or popular. I'm not good enough either. However!!! Do you have a big schlong? If so, tell her you're hung like a horse and whip it out. Chics dig that.

 

Me, yeah...I'm not hung, but I am opposite of all those things. So...if she likes a dumb, boring, poor and unpopular guy well I have everyone beat! Top that world!

 

[Wireframe]

I've been shy forever, too. But here's what I've been doing:

 

Start out by just saying hello to people that don't intimidate you. Just "Hey, what's up?" People never snap on people for saying hello unless there's something wrong with them. Then, as you get more comfortable, keep moving up the ladder. This boosts your confidence step by step. It's working for me, but I still have some stuff to learn. Hope it helps you, too.

[SnowWhite]

Originally posted by dudesomewhere

Now, I'm not smart, funny, rich or popular. I'm not good enough either. However!!! Do you have a big schlong? If so, tell her you're hung like a horse and whip it out. Chics dig that.

 

 

Good one, dudesomewhere

[gringatica]

Dear Soulquest,

 

In case you are still checking this thread, I just wanted to put my two cents in. I understand where you are coming from with the shyness. I am the shy-girl. When I was in high school, I had everything going for me like good grades, I was involved and successful in lots of stuff and well liked by teachers and almost everyone in school even if I didn't have a lot of close friends. But I had very low confidence in myself and was extremely shy when it came to boys. Now I'm in college and though it's gotten better, the opposite sex still makes me very nervous and it costs me a lot in relationships. There was one "perfect guy" who I was in love with but I never spoke to him beyond hello or any conversation longer than 30 seconds. To this day, I still think about him and he barely knows I'm alive, and it's all because I was too shy to say anything. Even if he had shot me down, it would have been better because I would have gotten over it and moved on. These things get better with practice, so I would suggest just going on some dates, not with girls who particulary drive you wild, just girls who don't make you quite as nervous so you can get used to it. Let your friends set you up on blind dates or even try internet dating sites and meet people once in a while that way. It takes work, but shyness can be overcome. It's an ongoing, lifelong process, at least for me.

 

Good luck,

gringatica

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by soulquest

But I have serious problems with talking to people, not just girls. I always run out of topics to talk about. This irritates me a lot cos I hate this awkward situation. How can I start a good conversation? And how can I keep it up?

 

If you run out of things to say then limit your conversation, at first, so you don't have gaps.. When getting to know someone you start slow and build. Say hello and ask them how things are going. Conversation is a two-way street. They need to help you too. As you converse you will have more to say when you see her. You also don't just want friendship with her. You need to be honest with yourself and admit you like her. There is no shame in liking someone. Keep your head up and feel you are just as good as they and it will show in your attitude.

 

Shyness is a social curse that can be conquered but takes work. Don't think you will just start being confident overnight. Keep at it and you will see results.

You need to get over your fear of rejsetion. This is what is holding you back with this gal. If she says no it's really not a big deal. She is 1 of many attractive women

that you will think is "perfect". The more you ask the easier it becomes to handle. Just don't take everything personally and you will suceed.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Marshbear

Shyness is a social curse that can be conquered but takes work. Don't think you will just start being confident overnight. Keep at it and you will see results.

You need to get over your fear of rejsetion. This is what is holding you back with this gal. If she says no it's really not a big deal. She is 1 of many attractive women

that you will think is "perfect". The more you ask the easier it becomes to handle. Just don't take everything personally and you will suceed.

Yes M.B.....you are right and also wise beyond your years

 

Practice makes perfect as does age and experience. I know people (myself included) who were painlfully shy in high school and now are the most outgoing people.

 

Rembember that your youth will most likely be the hardest part of your entire life. For most folks things get easier and better as they age.

[nuckinfutz213]

SoulQuest, I know how you feel man. I am kinda shy and in a situation almost exactly like that. You've gotta get the idea out of your head that she's perfect. If you think this...your going to think you have to be perfect too. Just try to think of her as any other girl instead of some sort of goddess or something and it will make it easier for you to talk to her. It can be hard to get her to notice you if she is very popular and a lot of other guys like her but you don't necessarily have to be smart, funny, rich or popular. Think of positive things about yourself. She might like you if you're friendly or share some interest with her. Some confidence would also help though. Becoming friends with her is fine but if you want more I say go for it. The fear of rejection is probably one of the harder things to overcome but there's nothing more I can say than you just have to take a chance and go for it.

 

Just start by introducing yourself or talking to her about school or anything she is interested in. You don't have to be smart, funny or anything like that to say hi and talk to her. Start with small conversations at first until your more comfortable. Hopefully you'll gain some confidence in yourself. Also remember that a major part of communication is non-verbal. Make eye contact, smile, etc...

 

good luck