I don't think it will work!

[Curmudgeon]

How ironic that the "truth" finally emerges on THANKSgiving; our 11th together.

 

We knew we were polar opposites in many ways when we got together -- original 60s hippie vs Vietnam vet and former narcotics agent -- original bra-burning feminist (60s again) vs traditionalist -- self-proclaimed left-wing, bleeding-heart, hope-to-die-liberal Democrat vs far more right-leaning fiscally conservative Republican. After all, improbable as it sounds, we'd been very effective coworkers and friends for five years in the political arena.

 

Over time we both moved towards the center, politically, and settled for being social moderates and fiscal conservatives while jointly shunning any political party membership.

 

We thought our differences was one of our strengths and we both wanted the same thing from a marriage. Now, I think we were wrong. I think she misses the freedom and lack of commitment that typified the 60s-70s era while I remain the old-fashioned type.

 

I think the New Year is going to be just that. Time to cut our losses! I’ll be doing her a kindness by freeing her to pursue whatever lifestyle she wants, unfettered and unrestrained by the burden of a real marriage and commitment. She'll be true to herself by leaving and going back to what she's always perceived as her real family; herself, her two daughters and her grandchildren.

 

I like to believe we can remain friends but to remain spouses will likely be devastating to both.

[Citizen Erased]

Oh C-Lion, it can't be!

[Curmudgeon]

Regrettably, yes it can.

 

That's not to say it is but the possibility certainly exists. A conversation today was most revealing.

 

Better now than after 25 years like the last one.

[Ariadne]

Nah,

 

I don't think you'll get divorced. You are just fantasizing with the idea and feeling good to think you'll be freeing her.

 

I believe you both will be miserable, and the idea is just dumb at that age.

 

You love each other a great deal, hope you work it out.

 

Ariadne

[Curmudgeon]

Nah,

 

I don't think you'll get divorced. You are just fantasizing with the idea and feeling good to think you'll be freeing her.

 

I believe you both will be miserable, and the idea is just dumb at that age.

 

You love each other a great deal, hope you work it out.

 

Ariadne

 

LOL! It's no fantasy, Ariadne. Trust me, I can think of far better ones than that.

 

Loving one another doesn't mean we can remain together. We could just love one another enough to do each other the kindness of calling it quits.

[Ariadne]

No,

 

We could just love one another enough to do each other the kindness of calling it quits.

 

That's no kindness.

 

Leaving her to be alone without a partner at an old age (gettin close) is no kindness. She already lived her hippy days well.

 

You've been through harder times I'm sure, you'll work this one out.

 

Ariadne

[Touche]

Holidays are always fraught with emotions and can be very stressful...dealing with family drama, etc. Is now really a good time to make such life-changing decisions? Was alcohol involved in these discussions?

 

I could be wrong of course, just throwing out my two cents.

[Curmudgeon]

Leaving her to be alone without a partner at an old age (gettin close) is no kindness. She already lived her hippy days well.

 

...today when we were discussing "us" she said that not just the best of times but the "perfect" time in her life ended 20 years ago when she left midwifery, the hippie lifestyle and was 'forced" to become more mainstream and establishment. That means it's all been down hill from there. We've been married 11 years. You do the math.

 

I can't compete with that and the people it represents to her, including men, nor should I have to.

 

I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't believe any longer that she's capable of true love and commitment. Either that or she doesn't really want it and finds it limiting and stiffling.

[AHIWON]

Holidays are always fraught with emotions and can be very stressful...dealing with family drama, etc. Is now really a good time to make such life-changing decisions? Was alcohol involved in these discussions?

 

I could be wrong of course, just throwing out my two cents.

 

I wanted to say the same thing, just I am not as good with words as you are.

 

perhaps a related joke might lighten the mood:

 

Thanksgiving Divorce A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

 

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[Curmudgeon]

Was alcohol involved in these discussions?

 

But of course. It always is of late. That's part of what we were discussing. Some of it can be chalked-up to her bipolar disorder but it has gone way beyond that.

 

In two weeks I'm being promoted and leaving the political arena where I've been for the past 16 years. It's a major career shift and I don't need to be coming home t0 someone who is either unwilling to or incapable of sharing all facets of my life; especially not someone who yearns for a past that didn't include me.

 

My bad! I've reached my limit!

[Lizzie60]

I am not really surprised, people who spends so much time on boards like this one, cannot be happy in a committed relationship... it's just not possible...

 

I am truly sorry though.

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

"perfect" time in her life ended 20 years ago when she left midwifery, the hippie lifestyle and was 'forced" to become more mainstream and establishment.

 

Everyone is like that.

 

We all want to be wild and free at some point and remember those times fondly.

 

I just got a job, and I remember the best times of my life as these past three years that I did nothing but stay at home with my son.

 

You look fondly at times gone, maybe you have some of those too to look back.

 

I agree again with Touche that the holidays add some stress to it all.

 

I'm positive she adores you Curmudgeon, and would be the most miserable woman without you.

 

Ariadne

[Trialbyfire]

This is terrible, C. I'm so sorry. I really hope the two of you sit down a few more times and have some heart-to-heart discussions about why this has happened and the possibility of working it out. You love each other a lot. Can't there be some compromise?

[Curmudgeon]

I am not really surprised, people who spends so much time on boards like this one, cannot be happy in a committed relationship... it's just not possible...

 

I am truly sorry though.

 

But that's OK and thanks for the latter thought. I don't like television while my wife has some favority shows. Nothing threatening or unusual there. She watches, I spend equivalent time on boards. It works and is not, nor has it been, an issue.

 

However, I'll give you this. The happiness has diminished of late on both our parts despite the fact that we travel, explore, get out and do things together which provides for quality time. Speaking for myself only, the commitment has never been an issue.

 

Thaks for your thoughts on this!

[Touche]

Lizzie, what an asinine and ridiculous generalization!

 

Curm, why not sit down again when there's no drinking involved? What she said was kind of insensitive, I agree. But we all sometimes say insensitive things to our spouses from time to time...doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

[dgiirl]

...today when we were discussing "us" she said that not just the best of times but the "perfect" time in her life ended 20 years ago when she left midwifery, the hippie lifestyle and was 'forced" to become more mainstream and establishment. That means it's all been down hill from there. We've been married 11 years. You do the math.

 

C, I'm sad to hear this news. However, having gone through a divorce myself, I understand that a lot of the unhappiness in a marriage is due to one not taking responsibility for one's own happiness and expecting the OTHER to make them happy. It sounds like your wife is reminiscing about the past because she's stopped making herself happy. It's a sign of depression and the first assumption we often make is "if we can only get rid of our spouse, THEN we'd be happy". But as she'll soon find out, that's only a temporary bandage to cover her pain. Once she goes through all the initial shock and upheaval of divorce, and the dust settles, she'll soon realize she's still unhappy and then she'll be forced to look internally.

 

If you can try to remain level headed (because she clearly is not in the mindset), you both might be able to save this marriage.

[AHIWON]

Curmudgeon, you mentioned your wife has BPD. Could it be possibly one of her low periods right now?

 

I just reunited with a very good HS friend of mine on facebook. Haven't seen her in 20 years. She has BPD as well and the mood swings can be a bit unsettling at times. I know it's the BPD causing it and ignore the bad. Tomorrow is a new day.

[Curmudgeon]

I think she loves me to the extent she is capable. The conversation took place this morning with no drinking involved which is why I brought up the subject of happiness, or lack thereof. I wouldn't have done so had she not been fully cognitive.

 

I told her that I didn't think she was happy and she admitted it. I also told her that of late, I had not been happy either and that some things needed to change or we were not going to survive.

 

I spent the last half of my former marriage unhappy. I won't waste the time like that again and freely expressed that to her. She agreed.

 

I'm not confident that there will be any great difference for any sustained period, given her clinging to her past. In not, that's fine. If the former lifestyle is truly what made her happy and a return to it will do so again, then she should do it and I won't begrudge her.

 

I want her to be happy. I always have, going back to when we were just friends. I don't want to stand in her way in that regard. If it means parting then so be it.

[Curmudgeon]

My wife is bipolar. I diagnosed her about four years after we married. The diagnosis was confirmed and she's been in treatment ever since. It's an issue, with all its ups and downs, we've worked with and through our entire marriage.

 

While it's decidedly a factor in terms of depressions, periods of self-medicating, et al, her clinging to the past and favorable comparison of that to what she sees as a less satisfying present cannot be attributed to the disorder. It's also, clearly, nothing I can turn around. I guess I just came along too late.

[Curmudgeon]

Everyone is like that.

 

We all want to be wild and free at some point and remember those times fondly.

 

I just got a job, and I remember the best times of my life as these past three years that I did nothing but stay at home with my son.

 

You look fondly at times gone, maybe you have some of those too to look back.

 

Of course we all have fond memories. I think the difference is that when, after over 20 years, one still compares them to the present and the present is found lacking because it requires responsibility and commitment which the past did not, the present pales in comparison, as do those who inhabit it unless they, too, were a part of that "perfect" past.

 

I wasn't. I can't compete. I shouldn't have to!

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

I wasn't. I can't compete. I shouldn't have to!

 

It's just a escape for her. And that's your ego speaking.

 

But talking always helps, it's better this way. Going through all these things, bringing feelings to surface, and closeness.

 

Congrats on your promotion.

 

Ariadne

[Touche]

Of course you shouldn't have to compete with that. The happiest years of her life should be the ones she has spent with YOU. Is she angry with you about something?

[JosieMcCoy]

OH Curmy baby I am so sorry!!!

Maybe things will turn around!!! You are my special little guy (though not little at all!)

You got may friends here that can be your support!!!

 

 

Cheers!

[Curmudgeon]

Of course you shouldn't have to compete with that. The happiest years of her life should be the ones she has spent with YOU. Is she angry with you about something?

 

Quite the opposite. But clearly where my sights are and always have been set forward intending to make our time together the best years of our lives,, hers have always been set back and what was trumps what will ever be. I can't compete in an arena or on a battlefield in/on which I've never set foot.

 

There's no rancor, anger or resentment involved. Only sadness. We just made a mistake. I can't fault her for who she is nor can she fault me for who I am. We love and admire one another greatly.

 

Sometimes that's just not enough!

[Curmudgeon]

Who loves ya, Baby!