Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 Who's old and dying? I'm older and decidedly not dying any time soon, thank you very much. And who said anything about dumping her or dying alone. Dyingf isn't even on the radar and realistically, if i did "dump" her then in time I'd die alone too, right? You appear hung up on ego, Ariadne. That is not an issue. Let's look at this realistically: If she views the past that she lied to me about as perfect and the present pales by comparison I see little hope in the future. That's all! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 I won't do anything drastic and will leave no stone unturned to try to make this work. If it does, so much the better. If it doesn't then at least I can forever after look back, cherish the good memories, of which there are many, and honestly say, "No regrets!" Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Ariadne, do you really think it's all about ego to be disturbed by your spouse telling you that the best times of their life were before they met you? I always say that my life didn't even BEGIN until I met my H. I'd be bothered by that too. Besides, from what I can see here, there are other fundamental differences in how they view this marriage. Curm (rightly so) puts the marriage first and Curm's W puts family first. Curm's W lives in the past, while he lives in the present and plans for the future. These are pretty important differences. I'm not seeing the "ego" angle here at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 Besides, from what I can see here, there are other fundamental differences in how they view this marriage. Curm (rightly so) puts the marriage first and Curm's W puts family first. Curm's W lives in the past, while he lives in the present and plans for the future. These are pretty important differences. I'm not seeing the "ego" angle here at all. Thanks for understanding perfectly. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Well, she is depressed and unhappy and if she, as she volunteered yesterday, sees her pre-me time as having been perfect, then you tell me! Oh, come on. She wants to be a gorgeous, young, healthy, long haired hippie with not a worry in the world. Who wouldn't want to be that? If that's something you lived before? When you are getting old and dying. Yes, yes, a well balanced person will say, the present is the best years of my life. But she is not like that, she is bipolar and has all these problems, she's holding onto the past. If she is unhappy try and find out why, and not find the solution of dumping her to die alone because she remembers being a happy hippie in her younger years. That's you being more childish than she is. But, if you get over your ego Curm, you'll understand. Ariadne no need for personal attacks ari- he's here for support and help - not criticism. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Thanks for understanding perfectly. You don't have to thank me, Curm. I've always seen your side of this. And not because I like you and respect you (which you know I do)...you're just right. I know what it takes now to have a good marriage. And so do you. I see certain ingredients missing. And so do you. It's not too late though. You both have an excellent foundation -not a shaky one - on which to build this marriage back up. It's not by any means a lost cause. Smooches back! Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Hi, Ariadne, do you really think it's all about ego to be disturbed by your spouse telling you that the best times of their life were before they met you? No, not coming from Curm's wife. She is not normal, she's fkd up. It makes total sense to me that she'd be clinging to the past. In fact, many people that lived that era think of it with nostalgy and consider that a heavenly time. He is all hung up in his ego because he is not understanding, he is is offended and wants her to pay for it. He wants to be first. He probably is first, but she is having some crisis of her own. I really thing Curm is being stressed with his new job and taking it on his wife, and she's ecaping via the worryless past. The most important time to "have" a partner is at an old age (they are getting there). It'd be the dumbest thing to break up now. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 I think it's time for scroll and ignore! :rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 is it possible she doesn't like the idea of the move that is impending a few years away - and is trying to sabotage it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 is it possible she doesn't like the idea of the move that is impending a few years away - and is trying to sabotage it? The harder she clings to the past the more time and attention she spends on what she appears to consider her family; that being herself, her two daughters and her grandchildren. My absence from that grouping is conspicuous. I certainly can't fault her for that. She spent 16 years as a single mother struggling to raise her girls with no support of any kind from their father. The girls, both adults by then, and her oldest grandchild were living with her when we started dating. Up until then, in a way it was them against the world so the bond was, and remains, exceptioally strong. She knows that I am moving from California when I retire, no matter what. I made that very clear before we married. She's always expressed her willingness to follow but lately, has grown increasingly closer to her family. It may very well be making a significant difference. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 i would say hang tough for the moment and wait to see if she settles down a bit... Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Curm, I'm so sad to hear this news. I thought of you yesterday for some reason as I was on the freeway... Do you think your new "this is it!" thinking has anything to do with your promotion? Are you using this promotion as a reason to step away from what has been...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 Curm, I'm so sad to hear this news. I thought of you yesterday for some reason as I was on the freeway... Do you think your new "this is it!" thinking has anything to do with your promotion? Are you using this promotion as a reason to step away from what has been...? And thanks, SG. Musta been those vibes I'm sure were emanating from me. As for the rest, the thought never occurred to me. In fact, quite the opposite. I looked upon it as bettering our lives and certainly adding even more security to what I've always seen and referred to as our retirement. I think it's just a matter of unfortunate timing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 I will. There's no rush! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 ah curm, I'm deeply sorrowed to hear this news ... and am hoping that before y'all get to a definite "it's over" state, that she'll seriously re-evaluate what she's got going with you in this marriage. hugs, quank Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Sorry to hear about this...I do hope that things work out for the best...for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 Curm, sorry to hear of all your difficulties. I am like some...you seemed to have it all together in your marriage. Yet here you have had all of this for the past few months. You have my support...as best as can be done in a virtual world. Ariadne, I actually understand what you mean that since Curmudgeon is "getting older" he should stay, but I think like you I am thinking as a person who is 40ish. When I think of myself as compared to someone in their 20s, I don't think that my life is much farther along than theirs. Fact is...they think of me as "getting older" as well. I know that when I am in my late 50s, I will feel no different as far as age. It kinda goes along with that thought, "What! My parents never had sex!" But my point is...no matter how old we are, we still have time to be happy. So if divorce will make someone happier (and I am in no way for simply divorcing), then it doesn't matter if one is 21 or 81. As long as there is life, there is hope. And where there is hope, there is an opportunity for happiness. To stay in an unhappy situation simply because one is at the end of life is really not a good reason. Curmudgeon, keep us updated. Things may still change back to your good relationship you once had. Or letting her go may bring her back. You are an optimistic realist it seems. This is an excellent attitude in times of difficulty. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 I will. There's no rush! Curmudgeon, sorry to hear this. you are the happy couple that I always look up to. anyway can you make a sacrifice to move closer to her family? maybe your sacrifice attitude will remind her how much you love her? maybe when she get this age, she misses her children, that is normal Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 Two factors may be coming into play here: 1. She is picking a fight with you because she can't follow through with her promise to move away from the rest of her family. This is a way to get out of it without going back on her promise. 2. You're jumping the gun when you say this has nothing to do with her bipolar. In some ways, everything is about her bipolar because it affects her mood and thought processes all of the time. It is very difficult for her to analyze her situation accurately when her mood is altered. Even when her meds are working, they are not going to reduce her mood swings to zero. I almost wonder if these nostalgic feelings are coming out of a mild mania or the onset of mania. If she is idealizing the days of bra burning and free love... Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 My wife is bipolar. I diagnosed her about four years after we married. The diagnosis was confirmed and she's been in treatment ever since. It's an issue, with all its ups and downs, we've worked with and through our entire marriage. While it's decidedly a factor in terms of depressions, periods of self-medicating, et al, her clinging to the past and favorable comparison of that to what she sees as a less satisfying present cannot be attributed to the disorder. It's also, clearly, nothing I can turn around. I guess I just came along too late.While we don't know where the disorder stops and real faults begin, in your wife's case something is really weird. Everybody got out of the hippie phase and joined the mainstream mentality. There is no hippie movement anymore. Is she going to do drugs and sleep with different guys every night? Many people do that and it's manistream also; but it's low life. How about if you give her some time and let her bring back her common sense before making any decisions hastily? Women tend to say things they don't mean when they are depressed. I think she doesn't want to leave her kids and grandkids and is going through a crisis, so she is taking it out on you. You said you were happy for 11 years; it can't be true that you lived in a lie the whole time, can it? What every woman needs in life is romance. Try to be super-romantic for a few weeks and see the magic work for ya. She'll follow you to the Moon and back. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 Can't she be a midwife and still be with you? Maybe she is missi ng that aspect of her life and not trying to blame her unhappiness on you. I am usually one to tell a man to drop her but I wouldn't jump the gun with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 Curm, Really sorry (and surprised I must admit) to hear you are going through a rough patch in your marriage. I have always looked up to your advice and respected your views so I am sure that you will do what is best for the both of you. Eleven happy years are not discarded so easily. I think both you and your wife have a strong basis from which to work on this temporary set back. It indeed could be another manifestation of her BP or an age related crisis. We all dream of reverting to the good ol' hippie days but of course that is just an illusion. It can't be done. Those days are gone for good except in our memories and hearts. I am sure she knows this. Be patient and gentle. You will get through this too! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 ...today when we were discussing "us" she said that not just the best of times but the "perfect" time in her life ended 20 years ago when she left midwifery, the hippie lifestyle and was 'forced" to become more mainstream and establishment. That means it's all been down hill from there. We've been married 11 years. You do the math. I can't compete with that and the people it represents to her, including men, nor should I have to. I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't believe any longer that she's capable of true love and commitment. Either that or she doesn't really want it and finds it limiting and stiffling. I'm kind of surprised that one 'landed' on you, Curm. I'd have written off a comment like that as "nostalgia" myself. Are you sure you're not just too far up each other's butts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 24, 2007 Author Share Posted November 24, 2007 Listen to you! It actually makes perfectly good sense. I knew she missed midwifery when I married her and suggested she return to it as I could provide the stable income and retirement plans freeing her to follow her "dream" once again. Obviously, she hasn't done so. She's toying with the idea of some involvement but doesn't weant to return to the 24/7 on-call lifestyle that's a midwife's. Interestingly enough, the area we're looking at back east for retirement is where she began her apprenticeship as a midwife. Perhaps that will make a difference. Time will tell! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 24, 2007 Author Share Posted November 24, 2007 There is no hippie movement anymore. Is she going to do drugs and sleep with different guys every night? Many people do that and it's manistream also; but it's low life. It may not be a movement but you ought to meet some of her long-term girlfriends. I've met a number of them and it's like a return to the 60s in many ways. The same applies to many of the currently practicing midwives. Original Hippiedom is alive and well although with reduced drug involvement and "free love." None of that is anything she wants to really return to. I think she misses the freedom and "naturalness" philosophically while at the same time, valuing the lifestyle, stability and future security marriage to me offers. If you boil it all down to basics, I'm not such a bad "catch" at our ages and was certainly a good one at 50 for a woman of 48. Link to post Share on other sites
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